Authors note
No... Way. It has been a year. A whole fricken year. It's my birthday yesterday. You no what? I am going to write it now anyway. I've no excuses. I'm just really lazy. Hear we go!
ONWARD!
Devil May Grow up at Some point Dammit 8?
Dante gazed fixedly down the scope of the BB gun at a small child outside his window.
His face, a mask of concentration was flat to the rifle.
Gently, his practiced finger curled around the trigger.
Bang!
The gun snapped in half.
Dante grinned cheerily, only to become the receiver of a shoe, thrown at him with high speed.
He fell from the windowsill with a bump and turned to look at his brother.
"What?" he stated. He was far from angry, as flinging shoes was Virgil's usual method of communication.
Virgil wordlessly hung out a toy catalogue.
Dante's eyes widened. There, in front of him, was the coolest bike he had ever seen. In the picture, a boy and girl were riding them.
The boy and girl looked happy.
"Wow!" He breathed.
"We gotta have one each." said Virgil, sharing things was barely done in the Sparda household and usually culminated in the tragic destruction/death/or toilet flushed of the poor object.
"Yeah..." said Dante, reading the add. "Look, it says it comes with everything in the picture... He stroked the picture of the girl.
"I am going to do you gooooooood..." he purred.
Virgil hit him.
"Dante, you no very well that they're..."
"Yeah" said Dante gazing sadly at the picture. "Girls is diseased... A boy can dream though. A boy can dream."
Virgil, who had already had money from the previous chapter, still needed $11.99 for the bikes.
They sat disappointedly outside.
"It'll take us forever to get that much money" whined Dante. "We can't use dads credit card again or "I'm grounded mister"
Virgil leaped to his feet.
"I know" he said delightedly "We'll sell lemonade!"
They set up a small stall outside their house.
Soon after, their uncle jogged by.
"Gee" he said cheerily "I'd sure love some lemonade!"
"Its 11.99 each" said Dante.
"Dante!" scolded Virgil "You can't sell it like that. It's to expensive"
"75 cents cup" stated Virgil.
The man paid and picked up a cup.
"You see, this is why you're never going to be a successful business man" said Dante.
"I always have to do all the work" he continued. I made the stall, I made the sign, and I put the salt in the lemon juice I made..."
"You mean lemonade" said Virgil.
"No." said Dante. "Lemon juice"
They both glanced up to see the jogger throw back the glass and down it in one.
His face promptly turned inside out. He fell to the floor rasping.
"See?" chirped Dante massaging the man's throat to help him swallow "It's good huh?" He was putting slightly too much pressure on the jogger's windpipe.
"I... Gotta... Heart... Condition... Need... HOS-PIT-AL.
"Have-some-more?" said Dante "Sure that'll be 75 cents. And you thought I did it wrong." chortled Dante at Virgil. He Fished Out the man's wallet and took $11.99.
"Here" said a proud Dante pouring the remaining lemon juice into the poor mans mouth.
The man shuddered and then lay still.
Dante realized something was amiss. His eyes filled with tears.
"Did... I... Do... Some... Thing... Wrong?" he whimpered.
"No... No... No" said Virgil trying not to panic. "We have the money and that's the important thing"
They dragged him to the sand box.
"Dig!" he screamed.
Dante and Virgil dug feverishly.
After several minutes they stepped back to admire their handy work.
The man's entire ankle was now submerged in sand.
"The perfect crime" said Virgil evilly "No-one will ever know!"
Eva returned from getting her groceries and spied the two boys digging furiously in the sand box.
Having memories of previous sand wars, she moved cautiously towards them.
"What are you doing?" she enquired.
"Just... Playing" said Dante innocently.
Eva smiled.
She was so totally delighted at her to boys finally getting along, she said: "Wonderful" and returned to the house, completely failing to realise a dead man with his foot covered lightly with sand was accompanying the two boys in their play.
Dante and Virgil were left alone.
"Ok" said Virgil in a voice of forced calm "Dante: We tell no-one, no-one"
"Ok..." said Dante.
They stood there fearfully, realization flooding through them. They had committed mur-
"Let's go get our bikes!" said Dante
The jogger was forgotten.
They turned up at the store, feeling very proud.
They had: $800 and they needed $795. They had $5 extra.
Dante turned to the man at the door who held the door.
"Thank you boy" he said tossing the man 10 dollars.
Virgil punched the man and took back the 10 dollars.
Dante sniffled.
They walked towards the bike area.
Dante convinced Virgil to let him buy some sweets.
Eventually they returned to the counter, haling the bikes with them.
"That'll be $795" said a pimply teenage clerk with braces.
Virgil handed over the money.
"I'm thorry thith doethn't appear to be the right amount."
"What!" said Virgil, shocked
"Dith ith only $794" he said, enjoying the sense of power refusing the boys their purchase.
"Dante!" said Virgil in a voice of forced calm. "Exactly how much did you spend on the sweets?"
"$6 dollars" said Dante thoughtfully "So if I take that away from $800 then... Then..."
"Yes!?" said Virgil livid.
"Then we have now... Two thous- Hey we got an increase!"
Virgil decided to destroy Dante at a later date
"Listen... Sir" Virgil said furiously "Either you give me these bikes or I'll-"
"Do wath?" said the clerk nastily "Watths a thix year old going tho do with a theenadyur?"
Virgil shot him twice.
"Let's go" he said to Dante.
Dante and Virgil wheeled their newly acquired bikes home.
At dinner they told their parents that they had won the bikes in a competition.
Dante had wanted to tell them the truth, and had just been about to, when Virgil pointed out a nearby urinal cake in order to distract him.
While Dante munched on the tantalising treat, Virgil explained his winning nuclear physics projects until he had said sufficient big words which were unknown to his parents, to bore the hell out of them both and the matter was therefore dismissed.
They strapped on their helmets and stood proudly beside their bikes before fellow amazed children.
Several girls were forced to leave via a passing garbage truck.
Two boys marched up to them. They were fat, and big, ugly and freckly.
"Those bikes are cool. To cool for you" one said.
"No I believe that I am adequately funky in order to operate this vehicle" said Virgil proudly.
"Eh yeeaaahh" said Dante slowly "ANY-hoo whats it mean to you bee-atch?
"Ya wanna race for em?" said the second boy equally astounded at Virgil's large vocabulary and lack of coolness.
"Eh no" said Virgil "Why the hell should we do that. We wouldn't get anything for winning, and your both twice our height, would make better speed, and you have nothing to loose. We have good bikes which I will not risk for anything. Besides I bought them both. So Dante wouldn't either. You tell 'em Dante!"
"A race" said Dante "Yes, tomorrow at 5 o clock! See ya tomorrow losers!"
When they left Virgil decided not to kill Dante until after the race.
"I guess it's time to practice!" he said cheerfully.
They set up camp at the edge of a lane.
They both placed their feet on their pedals, pretended to rev engines, and...
Virgil and his bike fell over into the dust.
Dante and his bike promptly did a U-Turn into a nearby ditch.
A small voice came from a particularly nasty briar patch.
"Virgil?"
"Yeah?"
"Do you know how to ride a bike?"
"No."
"Oh. Damn.
"Yeah."
Listen this one was reeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaallllllyyyyyyy short but part two is coming soon!
Meow!
GromitMcHugh