Disclaimer: Do you honestly think, that if I own these characters, I'd spend my time writing fanfiction? Yeesh. All characters belong to J.K. Rowling, and I'm not making any money out of this.

Pairing: HG/SS

A.N: While I love HG/SS fics, there are only so many ways that they can get together. This is my little parody on all of them. Five points to your house if you identify the situations used in this chapter (they're gimmies). Bonus points if you can suggest more situations that I can use.

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It was Harry Potter's 7th year at Hogwarts. It was Ron Weasley's 7th year. It was Hermione Granger's 7th year. It was Seamus Finnigan's 7th year. It was Dean…well, you get the point. It was the 7th year of all the Seventh Years at Hogwarts. It was Ginny Weasley's 6th year, by default. Everything was basically the way it always was. Dumbledore still twinkled and offered (stale) lemon drops to everyone who walked into his office (and to those who didn't). McGonagall was still an Animagus. Flitwick was still tiny. Peeves was still the most annoying thing that ever passed through Hogwarts's walls (and considering the list included Draco Malfoy, the Marauders, and Salazar Slytherin himself, this was quite an accomplishment). And Severus Snape was still a right bastard.

Anyway, considering that it was 7th year, everyone was expecting Voldemort to come up with some dastardly plot to take over the world and have a huge confrontation with The Boy Who Lived. I mean, it had to happen. J. K. Rowling couldn't write Harry Potter books forever. So naturally, suspicions and tensions were high. Everyone was giving a wide berth to each other, especially around Harry Potter (he refused to take a shower after Quidditch practice).

All of their expectations were not for naught. Voldemort was, indeed, plotting. In fact, He-Who-Could-Never-Win-But-Wouldn't-Bloody-Die-Either had come up with a nefarious plan. In fact, it was so nefarious he was impressed with himself. He leaned back, steepled his fingers, and chuckled evilly (Scaring Tactic #43 from An Idiot's Guide to Being an Evil Overlord) at the nefariousness of the plan.

"Wormtail!"

"Yes, Master, what would you have me do?" The ratty ex-friend to the Potters asked eagerly.

"You are going to bring me Hermione Granger!" Voldemort bounced in excitement. "And if you succeed in doing so, I might give you a piece of cheese…"

Wormtail paused for a second, looking extremely puzzled. Not only had the Dark Lord just bounced in his seat, he had used exclamation marks in both of his sentences. It could be that Voldemort's mind had been switched to that of a blonde cheerleader by Dr. Drakken's Mind-Swapper, the Licorice Wands were made with something stronger than licorice, or this plan was really good. Going with the last option, Wormtail snapped back to attention and gathered more information. Once the Dark Lord finished, he appeared to immediately forget about Wormtail and pulled out little hand puppets, proceeding to enact out his triumph over Harry Potter, squeaky voices and all. Although he didn't realise it, this sight would've probably have frightened his Death Eaters far more effectively than Scaring Tactic #43 ever would. Wormtail stared, then shook his head. He had really better check those Licorice Wands…

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Hermione Granger dashed down the familiar path that led to Hagrid's cabin. For someone constantly called the brightest witch of her age, she was certainly acting extremely stupid, by not looking where she was going, waving a crumpled Charms test on which she had only gotten a 99.2 instead of her usual 126 in her right hand, and having her wand stowed away in her knapsack. Although to be fair, Hermione Granger had been having a Very Bad Day. First, there was the aforementioned Charms test. Second, Draco Malfoy had been even worse of a prat than he normally was and had caused her to send some highly painful hexes towards the nether regions of his body. That would have been satisfying, had Snape not been walking by them. Fifty deducted points and a week's worth of detentions later (though she could have sworn she saw a smirk tugging at his lips) she arrived in the Gryffindor Common room only to find that Harry still refused to give up his habit of not taking a shower after Quidditch practice. On top of all of this, she was having a bad hair day (most people couldn't tell, but it was there nonetheless).

So she really was to be forgiven for not noticing Wormtail, pathetically useless at strategy, standing directly in front of her. And she couldn't really be blamed for not pulling out her wand even though Wormtail took a couple of minutes to figure out whether she was his intended target by holding a photo up and comparing it to her. It was in her knapsack, after all. The brightest witch of her age can't do anything against a scrawny, mousy, 5'2" man with one hand. So Wormtail Stupefied her.

Damn. This day couldn't get any worse, could it, thought Hermione.

Of course, a statement like that is just dying to be proven wrong, so with a loud crack, a thunderstorm began drenching Hermione, and only Hermione.

"Damn. Stupid properties of stupid magical storms." And with that parting comment, Hermione Granger and Peter Pettigrew disappeared from the grounds of Hogwarts. (And no, I did NOT say Disapparate; all of you fools should know that you can't Disapparate from Hogwarts grounds. Haven't you read Hogwarts, a History?).

X-X-X-X-X

Severus Snape was down in the dungeons, as usual. He liked to fuel the rumours that he was a vampire by spending as little time outside of them as possible. (In case you hadn't figured out, he had a twisted sense of humour). Anyway, he was grading the fourth-years's papers on the effects of ashwinder eggs in aphrodisiacs. This particular batch of papers was making him vow never to let a substitute teach a lesson again. Reading the thoughts of hormonal 14-year-olds on the effects of love and especially lust potions was a creative torture that not even Voldemort would think to put him through. Rereading the last paragraph of Mr. McDonald's essay, he shuddered violently. He really did not need to know about Mr. McDonald's dreams involving his dorm-mate Mr. Balthazar, fur covered handcuffs, and butterscotch syrup….

After going through twenty-five essays, five quills, and three bottles of red ink, Severus was ready to call it a night. He glanced contemptuously at the stack of essays. Not a single one of them was even remotely passable. Sometimes he wished he had a quill that would automatically write insults in the writer's handwriting. Hmm…the idea had merit. Perhaps he would send an anonymous note to Weasley's Wizard Wheezes the next day. But for now, a relaxing bath was what he needed.

Yes, contrary to popular opinion, Severus Snape did take baths. Quite a shocker, I know. Severus was relaxing in a tub of wonderfully hot water when the Dark Mark on his arm burned so badly that a ringing sound echoed in his ears. Wait…that wasn't a ringing sound…was that…was that Beyoncé? Severus was momentarily dumbfounded, then realised that the Dark Lord had been downloading ringtones again. Figures. The git had to enjoy that particular Muggle invention, of all things. Muttering foul curses about always being summoned when he had just gotten into the bath, Severus dragged on his Death Eater robes and mask and with a whip-like crack (he had actually cracked his whip) went to Lord Voldemort's side. (No, not by Disapparating. Haven't you read Hogwarts, a History by now?).

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The meeting was in an appropriately cold, gloomy, lightning-struck place. Right when Severus arrived, in Full-Death-Eater-mode, he saw his bestest buddy in the world, Lucius Malfoy. The man hadn't yet grasped the concept of inconspicuousness, having decorated his silver mask with sparkly green ribbons and wearing some equally detestable ribbons in his hair.

"Severusssss," he purred. "So good to see you here…some of us have been wondering whether you've been playing for the other team."

I have been wondering whether you have been playing for the other team for many, many years now, Lucius, especially because of those ribbons, Severus thought. Aloud, though, he simply sneered evilly (he could make it an art form) and took his place in the circle just as Lord Voldemort brought forward that night's…entertainment.

Severus couldn't believe his eyes. Dragged into the circle wearing her school uniform in an incredibly sexy way was Hermione Granger. Daaaamnn… thought Snape for a moment before he mentally kicked himself. She was a student, and a bloody annoying one too. Never mind that she suddenly had the best hourglass figure in the entire world… For all his self-control, Severus couldn't prevent a whispered "Oh, Hermione…" from passing his lips. Of course, since Voldemort was practically inhuman (and because if he didn't hear it, the plot wouldn't continue) he heard him immediately and whirled to face him.

"Are you…intimately acquainted with this chit, Severus?" he asked in a deadly quiet, silky tone. Severus frowned slightly behind his mask, wondering if he could sue for trademark infringement. Snapping back to the current situation, Severus raced through his options. (option, really). He had to save Hermione, because he was truly working for the Light, and he was brave, and courageous, and noble, and… ahh screw it. More like Dumbledore would stop twinkling long enough to murder him. Afraid to keep Voldemort waiting for very long, he blurted out the first scenario that popped into his head. Unfortunately for Hermione and fortunately for parody-writers everywhere, that scenario happened to be one inspired by her Victoria's Secret-esque fashion statement just then.

"Yes, I am, my Lord. I have been using her for a while now as an assistant both in the Potions classroom as well as in…other rooms," Snape smirked lecherously. Part of him worried that acting lecherous was coming far too easily, but that was the part that he never listened to, anyway. The same one had told him not to join the Death Eaters.

"Well, Severus, then I am certainly not one to deny you your…entertainment. You may take her."

"You are most generous, my Lord." And with that, he pulled Hermione roughly towards himself and started to lower his mouth to hers. He paused just long enough for them to see a spark in each others eyes, then pressed his lips to hers.

A shock jolted Hermione's body. Damn that man, he was wearing wool on a dry night. Hadn't he ever heard of static electricity? Slowly though, she started to warm up. Snape turned out to be a god at kissing (It is a universally known fact that any tall, dark, hook-nosed Potions master must be a Sex God) and Hermione began to feel a slow burning lower down in her body. As the heat increased in intensity, Hermione was amazed that she could feel this much passion from Snape. Wait a sec…that wasn't from Snape…her skirt was on fire!

Hermione sprang apart from Snape, breaking the kiss in the process (well duh). By the time she managed to extinguish the flames, her skirt was no more than a hem, conveniently adding to the sexiness of her overall appearance.

A collective "Awwwww" rose from the gathered members, either as an expression of disappointment or cutesiness.

"Severus! You two are simply mah-vellous together! You should get married! Then you'll satisfy the law, too," Voldemort exclaimed. Severus just stared blankly at Voldemort, wondering if he had been sneaking one too many alcohol-flavoured Every Flavour Beans.

"Ummm…" For once in his life, Severus's famed eloquence failed him. Hermione was equally tongue-tied. "What law is this that you are referring to, Master?"

"Don't you know? It's being called the Law-Designed-To-Get-Snape-and-Granger-Together! All purebloods have to marry a muggleborn and produce at least two children. The Ministry was even considering this because of the increased number of squib births in the Wizarding population. It finally passed, I believe, due to the humongous efforts of a group called When I Kissed The Teacher…" Voldemort explained. Seeing that Snape was still slightly dumbstruck but a look of horror was beginning to creep onto his face, he quickly added, "Oh come on, Severus! It'll be fun!"

Before Severus knew what was happening, a Death Eater who was conveniently qualified to perform a marriage was instructing him to kiss his new bride. Quickly complying, he spouted some fibs of wanting to fulfill his husbandly duties immediately (wait a sec…those weren't lies) and made his escape back to Hogwarts, Hermione in tow.

X-X-X-X-X

Dumbledore's office

Hermione was still in shock. Snape was being nice. Well, to her, anyway. Dumbledore wasn't having such a great time of it, what with Snape yelling and screaming and dancing in front of him. One would think Sirius Black had risen from the dead, instead of him just getting married. Upon hearing a pause and suddenly seeing his complexion switch dramatically from white to red, she decided it was probably a good idea to listen to what had just been said.

"What do you mean, TOM ALWAYS STEALS MY IDEAS!" Severus roared.

"Exactly that. Even in school, he did a potions project that I had done several years earlier. Why, he also bought An Idiot's Guide to Being an Evil Overlord after he saw An Idiot's Guide to Being a Wise Old Mentor on my desk. I wonder if I can sue him for plagiarism…" Dumbledore pondered this serenely for several minutes, only his twinkling eyes betraying that he knew Severus was still in a seething rage sitting in front of him. After seeing Severus's face turn purple, he decided to say something. "Oh, come on, Severus. It's really not that bad. Here, have a wedding present. And Miss Granger, don't worry, we can connect your rooms to Severus's quarters so you can sneak down and have sex with him whenever you want. Have a good day!" With that, the two were dismissed from his office. On the way down, Hermione opened the present.

It was a box of lemon drops.

"BLOODY HELL!"

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A.N: These are my disclaimers for this chapter

Voldemort's puppet show comes from Mugglenet's "104 Ways to Annoy Voldemort" (highly recommended reading, especially for a great laugh)

Dr. Drakken is a character from the TV show Kim Possible. The Mind-Swapping Machine was in one particular episode, I am not sure whether it had a different name or not.

Severus's idea for the insulting quill actually comes from Ramos's story, Unfinished Business. (also highly recommended reading, it's brilliant)

The line about always being called while in the bath is Genie's, from Aladdin.

Lastly, "It is a universally known fact that…" is the opening sentence of Pride and Prejudice. Modified for my purpose, of course.

Reviews are highly appreciated!