Author's Note: After the bombardment of reviews/emails telling me to get off my butt and finish this thing, here it is – the last chapter! I have so enjoyed writing this and you are all so kind with your reviews. It ended far differently than I anticipate –this is the second draft of this same chapter. I had very specific intentions, and then decided that maybe this was a better way to end things. I hope you have enjoyed reading it as much as I have enjoyed writing it! If everyone wants to keep his or her fingers crossed that I get a job next year, that would be super fantastic!

PS – all the lyrics are from "In Spite of the World" by the Ataris

XOXO

Lori (fawkes21)

Christ Nick, what did you do to yourself?

If I am being completely honest with you (and that is apparently part of the "healing process" that everyone keeps telling me about), I am still angry with you. I am angry with you for not telling me what was going on in your life. You should have told me what was going on. I thought we were friends. No matter how angry you were with me, I thought you would have come to me. I'm angry with you for not telling me what that bitch Dr. Stanley was saying to you. Oh, but you would be happy to know that Ecklie went to bat for you. He got her canned, and her license is under review. I hope to hell they revoke it. If she hadn't gotten in your ear like that maybe you wouldn't have…you know. Anyways, I am angry at your for leaving us like this. Catherine has barely stopped crying and Sara is walking around like a zombie. I am angry with you for hurting us like this. I feel like I can't move on because I can't let go. That's why I'm writing this. The department shrink says that writing you a letter is a really good way of saying all the things that I was never able to say to you in person. But God, no matter how angry I am at you, I wish you were here so that I could say things to your face. This feels so hollow, so empty. How am I ever supposed to move on?

You know, much as I'm angry with you, I'm angrier with me. I'm angry that I didn't notice how hard things had been going for you. I wasn't a really good friend, and if I ever got the chance, I know that I would be a better one. Guess it's a little late for that now. I'm angry that I spent so much time caught up in my guilt that it was you, not me in that damn box that I couldn't see how much you were hurting. I put myself before you and I am really sorry about that. Not that it does me much good to apologize now. But I think the thing that I am angriest about is the fact that my last words to you were "Damn you! Feel something! Feel anything!". What I wouldn't give to have said something else, anything else to you since then. Instead that is what I left you with. Hurtful words and a slap to the face. I didn't deserve your friendship. Maybe I got what I deserved – loneliness and regret for all the things I should have said when I had the chance.

But the shrink tells me to end the letter with something positive, so how about what I learned from this disaster? Ok. I learned that not everything is about me. Sometimes you need to look beyond yourself and see what's going on in the world around you. Maybe if I had known that then you would still be here. I've learned that what's done is done and there's no going back. I can't change how things happened, but I think I will spend every day wondering how it might have ended differently. This isn't very positive is it? I guess I'm just having a hard time finding something good in all this. Alright, let me end it this way then: I'm sorry. I know it doesn't do you a whole lot of good now, and really, its just words on paper, but I mean it. I am sorry for every mean word, for every missed opportunity and for every chance that passed me by. I'm sorry that I'm here and you're not and I'm sorry that I wasn't the person I should have been. You were a better friend to me then I ever deserved and I am so sorry that you're gone. I miss you.

Warrick

I hate that I have to write you this crummy letter. I hate that I can't just pick up the phone and call you. Instead, I am supposed to write this stupid thing so I can say all the things that have been haunting me since that day. Apparently, this is supposed to make me "feel better" (the words of the dept. shrink, not me – that's the kind of insight he offers me for a hundred bucks an hour, or whatever the hell it is that he is getting paid). Sorry, this is turning into a rant and I really don't mean it to. I just don't know what I am supposed to say.

I guess I can start with how much I miss you. Why'd you have to leave us Nicky? And why'd you have to leave like that? I wish you could have stayed. I don't know – I feel like I have been walking around in this fog since that day and I can't find my way out anymore. I try not to think about that fateful day because it hurts too much and it makes everything too real. You were so important to all of us (even if we didn't show it really well) and now that you're gone, it's like this ugly black cloud has settled over us and our days pass by in this gloomy way. We've been trying to move ahead but then something will happen to remind us about you – like hearing a country song on the radio –and it's like we move back three steps again. We can't seem to let you go, even though everyone else knows that we have to. But I think we all think that if we can hang on just a little tighter, maybe you'll walk through that door again one day. I know its crazy but it gives us the strength to get through another day.

The shrink says it will get easier with time. I don't buy it. He didn't know you – how can he presume that we can move so easily? I resent it when he tells me that I need to try and learn to accept the fact that you're gone. Why should I? If I accept that you aren't coming back, then that means I need to accept that the last time we spoke, the words were angry and vicious and things that never should have been said. I won't accept that the last memory you had of me was the person who lashed out at you when you really needed someone to help you. Maybe it's my own selfish need to not be remembered in that light, but I just hate to think that that is how you last saw me. So let me say to you now what I should have said to you then.

Above anything else, I valued your friendship. Yeah, you gave me a hard time sometimes but when push came to shove, I knew you had my back. You supported me and treated me like an equal, even when I wasn't. I won't forget your kindness and your giving nature. I admired your resilience. You survived things that other people could not even imagine. I don't know how you held on as long as you did. I guess you finally came to the obstacle that you couldn't overcome but God knows you tried. If I had been a better friend, maybe you could have gotten past that too. Now we'll never know.

Things should never have turned out this way and I know that I am partly to blame for the fact that they did. If I could say anything else to you, it would be that in that instant when I found you in the bathroom, I saw myself for who I really am: a person who was too afraid to be there for a friend when they needed me most. Even in your most vulnerable moment you were teaching me something. I learned from that awful night that I need to find a strength that I'm not sure I have in order to help the people I love. I'm so sorry it came to this, and I promise that I will make sure that I live every day so that I can make you proud.

Greg

I should have said this before, and I wish I did not have to say it now, like this. I realize you were hurting for all those months since the night Walter Gordon abducted you. I knew you must have been hurting, I could see it in your eyes so many times. Every time you came into my office I knew you were reaching out to me, hoping that I would hear what you didn't know how to say. And I stayed silent. I hid behind my desk and my books, and behind my malevolent exterior. Please don't ever think that I didn't know how much you must have been suffering. Although I suppose you must not have thought I knew, or I would not have to right this.

So why then, if I knew how much pain you were in, did I not so something? Why did I sit idly by watching you self-destruct? I suppose it was a case of bystander apathy. I figured that everyone else could see the problem and that someone else would therefore deal with it. I was so obviously wrong in this regard, but I am by no means blaming anyone else for what has transpired. You should know that everyone else here blames themselves in some way, despite repeated reassurances from me that I am the one most at fault. I didn't help you when I knew you needed it. That not only makes me a poor boss, but it makes me a poor person. No one should have had to go through what you did, and I made you feel as if you were alone in the matter. What's worse, I gave you the impression that you disappointed me by feeling the way you did.

Nicky, you never once disappointed me. I pushed you because I only wanted you to be as good as I knew you were capable of. I wanted you to far surpass anyone's expectations, including my own, but I misguided you into believing that you could never please me. You impressed me every day that you came into work and the person that you were was something that we all ought to aspire to. My greatest regret is not that I didn't help you when I should have, but that I made you feel as if you were never good enough. You never needed to prove yourself to me, but I must have made you feel that way. I wish I could express how deeply sorry I am that I ever made you question yourself.

I wish things had turned out differently. I am sorry for the role I played in this disaster, and I hope forgiveness will find me somewhere down the road.

Grissom

I was touched to receive your letters; they mean so much to me. It is great to be back in Texas, but I miss my life (or at least parts of it) in Vegas. My parents are wonderful and I am seeing a really good therapist here. I am progressing slowly in my therapy but every day I can feel myself getting stronger and happier.

I wish I had written you sooner, but these last few weeks have been both painful and hectic. I left for Texas so fast that I know a lot was left unsaid. And considering the circumstances around the time that I left, I know that everyone must be feeling mixed up. I don't remember what I told anyone when I left, so let me try and clear it up for everyone now.

I never planned on killing myself. I know that the note implied otherwise, but that's not what I meant. Now, in hindsight, I realize how easily it would have been misinterpreted. What I meant was that I was getting ready to leave Vegas. I had made the decision that I couldn't stay anymore. There were just too many ugly memories. I needed to get away for a while. I chose to run away than to tell any of you what was going on. I had spoken to my parents and scheduled my flight out of town when everything went so wrong. All I ever meant to do was take off, to run away and never look back.

That being said, I was definitely having thoughts in those last days about ending it all. It's so hard to write that, because I never thought I would get to a point this low. I never consciously wanted to kill myself. What happened in that bathroom was an accident. I hit the mirror, and when the glass shattered, it sliced my wrist. I must have been woozy from the blood loss, because that, combined with the pain of the last few days made me do something incredibly dangerous. I'd like to say it was an unintentional suicide attempt, but I think I may be lying to myself. I really didn't have a conscious awareness of trying to end my life though at that moment. That last week was a jumble of emotions and everything came to a head in a very scary way. Once I woke up in the hospital, I knew that I really had to leave. I know I made the right decision by leaving as abruptly as I did, though I am sorry that I never got to see any of you personally before I left.

After reading your letters I thought my heart would break. I hate that you guys feel so much guilt over this. The blame cannot be placed on any one person's shoulders – we all have a part in what happened. First, let me say that I don't blame any one of you, nor am I angry. I learned (the hard way) that life is too short to spend being angry about the past. I think there are still a lot of hurt feelings and issues to work through, but I accept all apologies, as I hope you will accept mine.

Warrick – I understand and appreciate your anger. You and I shared some harsh words but I know that underneath it all you were saying those things because you care. Let go of the guilt – I don't hold any of it against you. I stopped being angry with you and now you need to stop being angry with yourself (and I wouldn't mind if you stopped being angry at me too!). We can repair the damage to our friendship. I'm sorry for turning away from you and for every mean-spirited, hurtful thing that I may have said to you. It'll take more than this to break our friendship apart.

Greg – I wish I could come back, but right now this is the best thing for everyone. There are a lot of wounds that need healing and I think that some time and space is the best remedy. You talk about my resilience, but I always admired yours! On some of my darkest days I would think to myself "Greg almost got blown up – if he won't lay down and quit, what right do I have to do that?". Your strength got me through so much, even if I never told you. As for our fight that last week, you told me things that no one else was brave enough to tell me. As much as it hurt, I see the truth in what you said and I appreciate your honesty. There is always room for you to come out here and see me – I'll make a cowboy out of you yet!

Grissom – Thank you. Your letter meant more to me than words can say. You continue to surprise and amaze me.

I guess that's about it for now. They say time heals all wounds, so maybe that means one day I will come back to Vegas. I want you to know that even though this was the most painful experience of my life, I will value all I learned during it. No matter how rocky the road of life may get, if you stick to your path, the destination is worth everything.

Much love,

Nick