I own no part of Eerie Queerie/Ghost, and all characters, situations, and locations are taken without permission.

There's something about your first time. It's unforgettable - you can't breathe, you can't think... It's never the same, not after that; no matter how long it is, it'll never feel as exhilaratingly frightening as it was then.

Sometimes, I'd see her face in my dreams; she'd smile, and I feel that unusual surge of warmth that I'd always felt when I saw her happy. I couldn't remember the sound of her voice, not anymore - not even in my dreams. I barely even remembered how she'd phrased it when she told me about how lonely I must've been, and her smile, her expression, as she'd greeted me at the door was hazy, like I was loosing it in a fog.

Like every good nightmare, my dreams of her were growing dim, going dark - before I woke, they always did. Kiyomi was gone, the world was gone, and I would stare down at myself, just sitting there in a void, doing nothing. I told myself over and over again to get up, to do something; to go find her, to go save her...

Go find her so she can save me again!

"I don't want to be lonely anymore!"

I found myself upright in my bed, hands fisted in my sheets as my chest heaved; strong arms gathered me back, pulling me close and held my tight.

"Shh." Hasunuma's chin rested protectively over the crown of my head, and he whispered, "Wake up, Mitsuo; you're not alone."

I curled close to his chest, taking one shuddering breath as I pulled the blankets up around us. "I..." I took another deep breath, clenching my eyes shut. "I wish she hadn't died."

For a second he didn't speak, then I felt him take a deep breath - sturdy, not at all like mine. "Kiyomi." I nodded, and he exhaled. "If she hadn't died, you wouldn't have met her at all."

"I know," I whispered. "But she'd be alive and able to experience... everything."

"But we wouldn't be here right now." I felt his lips press gently to the top of my head; he added softly, "I wouldn't trade that."

"Not even for her life?"

Hasunuma didn't answer, but that was okay - he didn't want me to know that his answer was yes. He wouldn't trade us for anyone's life, not even for five more minutes of his own. In truth, I was glad he never said anything, because as long as he kept silent about it, then I could forgive and forget in silence, and pretend that we were even. As long as he didn't tell me, then I didn't have to tell him that if not for Kiyomi's desires, I wouldn't have looked at him once, let alone twice. I didn't have to say that I didn't believe in Fate, even after all that had happened to me, to us - I didn't think we were Fated to meet and fall in love. We had benefited from a tragedy that I would have undone if given the power.

It wasn't the most romantic thing to say to the man I cared about, the man who loved me.

I twisted in his arms, leaning up to kiss him softly - to reassure myself that this slice of life was worth it, worth knowing that someone had to die to give it to me.

"She'd be happy for you," he breathed under my lips, fingering the buttons of my pajama top. "She'd be proud."

"I wanted to kiss him so bad, but the joy you get from that is only when you experience it with your own body."

"I know," I responded, kissing him fiercer, hands slipping down to the waist of his pants.

I wasn't reassured.

-end-

notes/
First EQ fic, and only; I wrote it November '04, and I think at the time lacked an EQ category -- now, a year later, I thought to look again, and voila!

Hopefully the characterization wasn't too off - seems possible, but I could only imagine the trauma of being possessed, let alone caring about the person who possessed you. I imagined that'd have a deep impact on Mitsuo, especially since without Kiyomi, none of the series would have happened - and even Mitsuo can have doubts in the middle of the night?

Anyway... yeah... I also keep seeing Mitsuo with this weird brand of realism; he doesn't strike me as a Fate sort of guy. Hasunuma, on the other hand, makes it pretty clear by his actions in the first book that he's much more open to the idea of mysticism and stuff, which I think - if you put the ghost stuff aside, lmao - would be an interesting conflict in their relationship.