Disclaimer: I'm not JK Rowling, obviously.
Chapter 1 - Dumbest Idea Ever
"No."
"Severus-"
"Absolutely not, Albus. I refuse."
"Come now, Severus, be reasonable-"
"This is the dumbest idea ever."
"Severus, surely you see this is the only solution-"
"It most certainly is not. And, no, I don't want a lemon drop, so don't bother asking me." Honestly, if Albus thought presenting ultimatums for the girl would compel him into agreeing to go along with this nightmare of a situation, he was going to learn the meaning of rejection.
Dumbledore sighed. This was going to be harder than he'd expected. On the other hand, in some ways it was going better. For example, Severus hadn't walked out of his office the minute Dumbledore had revealed to him the entirety of his plan.
"Severus," he began again, slowly, with an air of great patience, "I can well imagine how distasteful this situation may seem to you. However, there are times when one must sacrifice-"
"I've made more sacrifices than anyone else, old man, and you have due cause to know it, seeing as how you ordered me to make most of them. I refuse to be coerced into making another."
"Would you then have her beaten? Raped? Killed?" the headmaster asked harshly.
"I fail to see the problem."
Dumbledore stared at him a moment, incredulous. Severus allowed himself a smirk. Perhaps if he made Albus angry enough he'd just forget about this entire stupid idea. Or get someone else.
"This is hardly the time for jokes, and your particular sense of humour has always been somewhat lacking."
"Who said I was joking?"
Unfortunately, Albus seemed to be onto him. The headmaster took a deep breath and said, "If you think you can come with a better plan, I am completely willing to hear it. If not, then, we must resign ourselves to this one."
"Why don't we just let her think of a way out? She does put herself out there as the know-it-all queen of Hogwarts," Severus sneered.
"Despite what you may think of her, Miss Granger really is in quite over her head. Even more so, she is not completely aware of the dangers that Mr. Macnair and Messrs. Malfoy present. It is imperative that we stop them from achieving their goals."
"Perhaps Draco has simply become lovesick over the girl. Although, I can't say I understand his taste." Severus figured that if he could continue throwing Albus off track the conversation would eventually turn to something else and be forgotten. Besides, if one though about it, it was quite amusing. Whoever said Severus Snape didn't have a sense of humour was obviously too busy being intimidated to realize the true meaning of the man's smirk. Which, of course, was exactly what he was aiming for.
"Severus, be serious, please. Miss Granger played a vital role last year in the battle against Voldemort." Severus flinched. He hated it when people referred to the Dark Lord by his name in front of him. Dumbledore was probably doing it on purpose. "If you think that the Death Eaters that still roam free are likely to forget this, you are clearly in denial. Add to that the fact that she is a Muggleborn. Come on, Severus. We all know what Macnair is like, and you yourself confirmed Draco Malfoy as being a Death Eater - you of all people should have no trouble imagining what he and his father are capable of! Do you honestly want to leave her to people like that?"
Severus gazed back at him impassively, seemingly not moved in the slightest by the headmaster's speech. "The Dark Lord," he said, putting emphasis on the title, "As you said, is gone. It doesn't matter in the least what happens to Miss Granger. Besides, she's annoying."
"Is annoying you really cause for a death sentence? If it was, there wouldn't be any Hogwarts students left." Dumbledore resisted the urge to do a parody of Severus's smirk.
Severus had no time for Albus' failed attempts at humour. "I am forced to deal with her incessant chatter and brainy displays during classes. I refuse to come home to it as well. Undoubtedly it becomes worse at close quarters, with no one else there to distract her attentions."
"She is turning out to be quite a brilliant mind-"
"If you're about to compel me to think of all the contributions she is capable of making to the wizarding world, you may save your breath. Have her marry Weasley. In a few years we'll have a multitude of red-headed brains roaming the school, acing Transfiguration exams and destroying the furniture." He inwardly shuddered at that thought. He should never have brought that up. Albus would probably set the two up, and Severus would have to deal with said annoyances.
"If you want to think about it that way, she'd breed much more intelligent children with you as the father. Just think, you're being given permission to have an affair with a student—something professors everywhere have been trying to do for hundreds of years."
"If you're trying to appeal to my darker side you're utterly failing. It'd only work if you forbade a relationship between us and we had an illicit affair anyway," he sneered. "Besides, I'm not in the least attracted to her."
"I never knew you to be a vain man."
From anyone else, Severus might have recognized that as an implication that he was considered ugly. From Dumbledore, it was simply a statement. Severus often wondered if the Headmaster was even capable of insulting someone. "I have standards and tastes, you know. And they do not include bushy haired schoolgirls who think they're wiser than their professors."
"Alright, so you don't like her, I think you've made that clear. Think of it this way - you get to finally be the big, strapping hero! And you'll even get credit for doing so!"
"Yes, I'm sure she'll be thanking me on bended knee for saving her," Severus scoffed. "Honestly, Albus, where have you been? The girl doesn't like me one bit - and that's as it should be. I've carefully formulated it so that she hates me as much as I hate her, thereby assuring me peace and quiet."
"I think you'll find that she does indeed afford you a certain amount of respect."
"If that's supposed to make me think she's madly in love with me, you'll have to realize that I am a Slytherin and you a Gryffindor. I am not so easily guiled, and you have never been any good at manipulation." Severus found that most of the time when Albus wanted something from him he could get away with petty insults. Until, of course, Severus gave in, which he was hoping to avoid this time. "I don't like her - that is the end of it."
"But even you must see the need to keep her protected – if not specifically for her, then for simple human decency."
"Then get someone else. I'm sure Lupin would be willing-"
"You are the only one I trust to do this."
"More like I'm the only one you know who you think you can convince." The twinkle in Dumbledore's eyes confirmed this, which only served to cause Severus to resist the plan with even more fervor.
"You know the Malfoys, and Macnair. You know what they might be planning, or at the very least you have the necessary connections to find out. In the meantime, you are far more capable of protecting her from any harmful spells they may try, seeing as how you probably learned them at the same time they did. You're strong and sly and-"
"Flattery will get you nowhere with me."
"Don't be coy, Severus; it doesn't become you."
"Who said I was being coy?" Severus returned, fully aware that he was being ironic. Well, if he was stuck in this horrid situation, he might as well get some amusement out of it - and having a go at Dumbledore's expense was the ultimate in entertainment.
"Severus, you must do this. If you took the time to consider what the situation is instead of dismissing it outright you would see that there is no other option. You not only must do this, you will do it."
There was a tension-ridden pause. Slowly, intimidatingly, Severus stood up. "The Dark Lord is gone now, Albus. The Order of Phoenix is no longer active. I refuse to be ordered around any longer. I'm notmarrying the chit. She'll just have to find a way to get out of her own problems for a change. I'll not be anyone's scapegoat anymore, I won't follow your orders without question, and nor will I continue to do your gruntwork that you can't pass off to anyone else. I still have enough of a life left for it to be ruined, on my own terms, by my own choice."
And with that, he walked out, black robes billowing behind him.
The next day found the door to the headmaster's office slamming open with a force enough to rattle its hinges. Any student who had been there would have sworn it was reminiscent of Potions class, which would then have been reinforced from the black-clad figure stalking into the room.
Severus stormed up to the headmaster's desk and stood there, glaring at the man sitting calmly in front of him in anger, with the look of a man who is cornered and furious with himself for being unable to find a way out.
"Alright, Albus. Give me the damn quill."
This was it. Severus would be signing his life away. And for what? So some annoying brain who knew nothing about the real world didn't get her feelings hurt. If Dumbledore expected Severus to have some sympathy for the girl, he was way off track. Severus had been through worse horrors than what Hermione would've gone through, had Dumbledore not worked this solution. Besides, Severus had no sympathy left.
The quill was snatched from the old wizard's hand, moved furiously over a parchment in a few violent strokes. The parchment rolled itself up and the quill was handed back.
And there was that. He would now be married to the girl - forever. This was the worst situation ever.
Seeing the look of relief, coupled with a knowing glance, pass Dumbledore's face, Severus snapped "Don't look so pleased. If I throttle her in her sleep, it'll be on your conscience, not mine."
He stalked out once more, no less enraged than when he came in. Dumbledore sat at his desk, eyes twinkling, a victorious smile on his face.
AN: Sorry it's so short. I just figured it's a great stopping point. All other chapters will be longer, I promise. Also, if you haven't noticed, HBP and DH is being discounted for this story.
Up Next: Dumbledore (and Snape) explain the situation to Hermione.