Part 2: Wrapping It All Up
"Who cares how it happened!" said Roy, "The point is that the cookies are gone…"
"It seems clear to me," said Greed, putting on a Sherlock Holmes hat and getting out a pipe, "that the criminal is right here in this room."
Everyone was confused. "If you're trying to pin this on my imaginary goldfish, Spanky, I can assure you he's on a diet of low-fat imaginary guitars!"
"So that's what happened to mine…you owe me, buster!" Greed yelled at the empty fish bowl. "But anyway, I believe the one responsible is actually one of us."
"How do you figure that?" asked Ed.
Greed turned to face him. "Well don't you think it's a little suspicious that we all just happen to be here at Roy's at exactly the same time? You know they always say that the criminal always returns to the scene of the crime!"
"What do you mean?" yelled Envy. "Roy just called us over and we all came TOGETHER!"
Greed's eyes settled on Envy. "You sound a little nervous, Envy…a little like someone afraid that I've just stumbled upon the TRUTH!"
"You've gotta be kidding me…" mumbled Envy.
"Look Greed," said Lust, "how do you propose we find out just exactly who stole the cookies from the cookie jar?"
"Easy," he replied. "WRATH STOLE THE COOKIES FROM THE COOKIE JAR!"
"Who me?" asked Wrath.
"Yes you!" yelled Greed.
"Couldn't be!"
"Then who?" they all yelled.
"…Pride stole the cookies from the cookie jar?" said Wrath, unsure of himself.
"Who me?" asked Pride.
"Yes you!" yelled the others.
"Duh…" said Envy.
"Couldn't be!" Pride insisted.
"Then who?" yelled the others.
"IDIOTS!" screamed Lust. "This is ridiculous – we're never going to find out this way!"
Greed didn't waste a second. "SHE'S JUST AFRAID OF GETTING CAUGHT!"
"Lust stole the cookies from the cookie jar!" said Pride.
"GET HER!"
They all tackled Lust, demanding to know what she had done with the cookies.
"Umm, look behind you!" she yelled.
"WHERE?" they all looked.
Lust couldn't believe how stupid they all were. No wait, yes she could.
"She's right!" said Edward, pointing to some mysteriously clear footprints leading away from the kitchen counter where Roy had probably last left the cookies. "But then again maybe they're just Roy's…"
"I don't think so – they're the prints of high heels, stupid!" said Wrath.
"But I wear-" Roy snapped out of it. "I mean, yeah!"
So they all decided that the only way to settle this was to follow the footprints. They lead on and on and on – through shopping malls, through swimming pools (yeah, those sure were cool shoes) and finally into a helicopter.
"Damn…the prints have stopped! What do we do now?" asked Roy.
"There's only one plausible explanation…judging by the way these prints have stopped, I'd say whoever it was drove this baby all the way to the North Pole…" said Envy.
"I agree," said Greed.
"I'm not even going to bother asking," said Lust.
So they flew all the way to the North Pole, telling Pride to keep an Ultimate eye out for where the footprints picked up again. He tried to explain that since it was snowing the footprints would have already have been covered up anyway, but there was no convincing them.
"Let's just stop there to ask for directions," said Edward, pointing to a little workshop-looking workshop.
Lust was getting angry. "Directions to what? Footprints?"
"GREAT IDEA!" said Edward. "I was going to ask for directions to the nearest public toilet…"
They landed outside the workshop, which had a big sign reading "Santa's Workshop."
"I wonder who this place belongs to…" said Wrath.
"We don't have time to figure that out – lets just get inside," said Roy.
Then the door swung open. "SURPRISE!" yelled Winry. "You guys are just in time."
"Where are my cookies?" asked Roy.
"Right over there," she said, pointing to the jar, which was sitting on a table.
"Stop talking in riddles, woman! Just tell me where the cookies are!" he yelled.
Edward said what everyone was thinking. "Winry, what the hell is going on?"
Greed said what he thought everyone was thinking. "This place smells like elves."
"Well," said Winry, "I stole the cookies and left really obvious clues to secretly lead you all here to share in my discovery!"
"You could have just phoned," said Envy.
"But this is how I get my kicks. ANYWAY! It's Christmas Eve, right?"
"It's Christmas Eve?" said Greed.
"Listen, if Santa has to have all the presents delivered by the time everyone wakes up then he needs to leave early so I figured that at about this time we'd be able to break into his workshop!" said Winry.
"I don't like that Santa guy…seriously – if he knows when I'm sleeping and knows when I'm awake and even knows if I've been bad or good then he's either a perverted stalker or that hidden camera Sloth installed in my bedroom." said Roy.
"YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT?" asked Sloth.
"Anyway," said Winry, "I figured out Santa's secret! Ever wonder where he gets all the elves? Ever wonder why he brings naughty children coal? How he got all those flying reindeer?"
"No," said Ed.
"Well there's one simple answer! He gives children coal to shovel into his sleigh to make it go – there are no reindeer! He kidnaps a bunch of kids, it doesn't matter which ones because ALL children are bad, and forces them to work for him as his 'elves' all year!"
"Umm…that's great but we're just here for the cookies."
"DON'T YOU GET IT? We're in Santa's workshop – we can have all the toys we want!"
"I want an Ed plushie!" yelled Envy.
Ed gulped. "…why?"
"VOO-DOO!"
"Oh, that's a relief," said Ed.
"So the rest of you can't think of anything you want?" asked Winry. The others stared blankly. "Fine – lets go home."
"Not so fast…" the door flew open and there stood…
"It's Santa!" cried Wrath.
"It's Hohenheim!" cried Envy.
"Yeah, so I just call myself Ho-ho-ho-papa! It saves time!" he said.
"That was really lame," said Edward, sweatdropping.
"Shouldn't you kids all be asleep?" he asked.
"…Kids?" Lust, Pride, Roy, Greed and Sloth looked at each other. Envy just went along with it.
"There's a bit of a problem though…" said Greed, "I may or may not have crashed the helicopter and it may or may not be smashed up beyond repair…"
Hohenheim stroked his beard. "So since you said there's a problem I guess you DID crash and disfigure the helicopter then?"
"Damn he's good," said Greed.
Hohenheim sighed. "There's still time – hop in my sleigh everyone!"
Over the hills they went – and over the oceans and over the cities and the silhouette of the sleigh could be seen in the moon – which was like a winter toenail, freshly clipped from the foot of justice.
"I guess this Christmas wasn't so bad…" said Roy, "at least we got the cookies back and figured out who Santa really is."
"And I got called a kid!" said Envy, feeling very proud of himself.
"That reminds me," said Hohenheim, "we're slowing down – hurry up with that coal, Wrath!" he yelled, getting his whip out.
"…I hate Christmas," Wrath muttered.
Merry Christmas everyone! This was pretty rushed since I actually had a deadline this time...it is only at this exact moment that I realise thatit will not beChristmas for most of youforseveral morehours...-passes out- Well, just for the record, I am posting this at exactly midnight where I am (I'd better hurry up - two minutes left!) so yeah! Happy Holidays and please review!