Notes – Charms 6th year

S – Hey Prongs!

J - ….

S – Prongs?

J - ….

S – Prongsy? Come on, give Paddy-Waddy a smile.

J – Sod off, git.

S – What's your problem?

J – Besides you?

S – Why don't you -

R – Padfoot, be nice. Prongs just found out about "Coffee Man."

S – Oh! You mean that seemingly irresistibly attractive guy that Lily saw at the Three Broomsticks and now she can't stop thinking about him?

J – You know about him too!

S – Of course. Merlin, Prongs. Where have you been?

J – How long have you known?

S – Ever since our last visit to Hogsmeade. I overheard Lily, Alice and that other girl talking about him.

R – We've had classes with her for almost 6 years and you STILL don't know her name?

S – Sarah?

R – No.

S – Karen?

R – Still no.

S – Henrietta?

R – A huge, resounding no.

S – I give up.

R – May.

S – May what?

R – No, that's her name. Her name is May.

S – Oh. That's a pretty name.

R – Yes it is.

S – I was going somewhere with this…

R – Coffee Man.

S – Yes! Right. Well…actually…no, I think I was finished. Prongs just asked me how I knew about him, then you started scolding me for not knowing that girl's name, and now…here we are!

J – So, what did they say about him?

S – Well, Lily kept going on and on and on about how beautiful he was…you know, tall, blond hair, big blue eyes, nice sense of style –

J – Thanks Padfoot! I get it! What did the others say?

S – Well, Alice said that he was cute but his nose was a little on the large side, then Mary –

R – May.

S – Close enough. Anyway, she started giggling and said that he had a huge nose and could probably smell things a mile away. She also said he was too skinny.

J – So what I've gathered from this is that Lily is attracted to tall, skinny guys with blond hair, blue eyes, big noses and a good sense of style.

S – Well, you got the nose thing going for you!

R – Must you be so insensitive?

S – You're also kind of on the scrawny side…

R – You've gotten a lot taller this year.

S – And you don't have a bad sense of style…no where near as perfect as mine of course…

R – So you see? 4 out of 6 is good!

J – But blond hair? Blue eyes?

S – Blond hair? Whatever. Every woman wants a man who's tall, dark, and handsome.

R – Except Lily.

J – Moony, isn't Padfoot the one who's supposed to make me feel lousy?

R – Sorry Prongs.

J – It's okay. It's not your fault.

(Bell rings)

S - "Wow, that was a short class."

R - "Not really. You slept through over half of it."

S - "That's right. I'm really hungry."

R – "Good thing it's time for lunch, then."

S – "Can't disagree with you there, mate."

R – "Now Prongs, I – Prongs?"

S – "Where did he go?"

R – "I'm…not sure."

(Remus and Sirius run out into the hall to see James disappearing behind a corner.)

S – "Prongs!"

(Remus and Sirius catch up to James.)

S – "Where do you think you're going? The great hall is that way."

J – "I'm going to Hogsmeade."

R – "Prongs…?"

S – "Why are y – Wait a minute…You're going to hex that Coffee Man, aren't you?"

J – "I'm not going to hex him. I'm merely going to observe him from a distance to see what is so great about him then pick out his flaws and present them to Lily in a mature, dignified manner."

S – "Then you're going to hex him."

J – "It's just something I have to do."

(10 minutes later in the Three Broomsticks.)

S – "Wow! No crowd! I think I'll order a Butterbeer…or five."

J – "No! Focus! Remember what our mission is."

S – "Hexing the Coffee Man."

J – "Exactly."

S – "Come on, just one little Butterbeer?"

J – "No! You'll spoil your lunch."

S – "We won't make it back for lunch, you git. You owe me a trip to Honeydukes."

J – "Fine. Just shut up and don't make it obvious that we're looking for this guy."

R – "I see him…at least…I think that's him…he fits the description…"

J – "That's him!"

S – "Wow Prongs, I think someone beat you to the hexing!"

J – "Look at those nostrils! I've never seen anything like it!"

R – "Do you feel better about yourself Prongs?"

J – "You bet I do. Wow, looks like our work here has been done for us…comes on mates. Let's get back to school before we miss lunch."

Later that day…

Transfiguration

J – OK…we've got to write a note to Lily.

S – We? You mean you want US to talk to her?

J – Yes. I need your help. You know the harshest insults in the book, especially when it comes to looks.

S – I'm good.

J – And Lily is actually friends with Moony, so if Moony makes fun of him, she's got to see the light!

R – I don't necessarily see the logic in that…

J – Just go with it Moony.

R – Right.

J – Why hello Evans.

L – Are you trying to land me in detention, Potter?

J – Why would I want to do that?

L – I don't know…but passing notes in McGonagall's class seems to be a pretty efficient way to do so.

J – Point taken. I just wanted to tell you now hard feelings.

L – I beg your pardon?

J – Oh you know…how you went and fell in love with that toucan who works at the Three Broomsticks.

L – Who told you?

J – You know how gossip spreads at this school.

L – Indeed.

J – You know, I can't help but wonder, what does he have I haven't got?

L - A conscience.

S - Ooooh…ouch.

L – Black, why are YOU involved in this conversation?

S – You know, moral support in case you once again break Jamsie's heart and I have to let him cry on my shoulder and then pass him Peter's handkerchief.

L – Peter has a handkerchief?

S – So it would appear.

L – Huh.

J – Sirius, how do you ALWAYS manage to steer conversations away from the original topic?

S – It's a gift, mate.

J – Anyway, Evans, I think Padfoot has something that he'd like to tell you.

S – Yes. James has fluffy pink bunny slippers and sleeps with a fat stuffed panda named Mikey.

J – I meant the OTHER thing you need to tell her.

S –I would like to tell you that the Wizard known as "Coffee Man" is the proud owner of a rather large nasal bone.

J – Can't you say it in a more…to the point way?

S – His nose is bloody HUGE.

J – Better.

L – And how would you know this? You've never even seen him.

J – Don't be so hasty to assume that, my dear.

L – What does that mean Potter?

J – It just so happens…I have seen him. Sirius and Remus as well.

L – Oh no…you hexed him, didn't you?
J – Well, you see I was going to…

S – But when we got there, we didn't see the need!

L – You two are horrible!

J – Evans, all we're trying to say is that he looked like he had jumped in front of a rather powerful Engorgement Charm, that's all.

L – Remus, help me out here.

J – I'm afraid dear Remus has sided with us on this one, Evans.

L – Remus?

R – I regret to have to tell you this Lily, but I too found his nose to be…slightly larger than the average nose.

S – Face it Lils. The man has a beak.

J – Caw! Caw! I'm Coffee Man! Caw!

L – I hate all of you. Even you, Remus.

J – What about me?

L – Especially you, Potter.

S – So, you hate me less than James but more than Remus?

L – Exactly.

S – I can live with that.

L – Though Potter, I would like to ask you something.

J – Evans, you don't even have to ask. Yes, I'll marry you.

L – Not quite. Do you really have bunny slippers and a stuffed panda?

S – Named Mikey!

J – Would it turn you on if I said yes?

L – Not in the least.

J – Then no.

S – He's a liar. It's so true.

J – No it's NOT Sirius…

S – Is too.

J – Fine…would you care for me to tell the world of what you've got hidden under your bed?

S – Do your worst!

J – Well…I actually don't know what you've got hidden under your bed…I haven't looked since third year and something growled at me from underneath…

S – What?

J – You didn't know that something was living under your bed!

S – NO!

J – Oh…well…huh…

S - You've let me sleep on that bed for the past 3 years knowing that some monster was LIVING under it? Jeez! What kind of a friend are you?

J – Well, none of us are dead yet, so that's a good sign!

R – It's probably been living off of all the junk food you have stashed around the dorm.

S – I don't want to sleep in my bed tonight. James, you and I are switching beds.

J – No way. You think I want to sleep on your nasty mattress?

S – What's wrong with my mattress?

J – I've seen you when sleep. You drool all over the place.

L – Gross!

S – And would you mind telling me WHY you've watched me sleeping?

J – Well, once I was going to bleach your hair, because just as I had reached your bed and pulled back the curtains, I realized that I was out of bleach.

S – And you didn't just conjure up some more because…?

J – I was a little second year and it was 1:30 in the morning.

S – Understandable.

Bell.