Notes – Charms 6th year
S – Hey Prongs!
J - ….
S – Prongs?
J - ….
S – Prongsy? Come on, give Paddy-Waddy a smile.
J – Sod off, git.
S – What's your problem?
J – Besides you?
S – Why don't you -
R – Padfoot, be nice. Prongs just found out about "Coffee Man."
S – Oh! You mean that seemingly irresistibly attractive guy that Lily saw at the Three Broomsticks and now she can't stop thinking about him?
J – You know about him too!
S – Of course. Merlin, Prongs. Where have you been?
J – How long have you known?
S – Ever since our last visit to Hogsmeade. I overheard Lily, Alice and that other girl talking about him.
R – We've had classes with her for almost 6 years and you STILL don't know her name?
S – Sarah?
R – No.
S – Karen?
R – Still no.
S – Henrietta?
R – A huge, resounding no.
S – I give up.
R – May.
S – May what?
R – No, that's her name. Her name is May.
S – Oh. That's a pretty name.
R – Yes it is.
S – I was going somewhere with this…
R – Coffee Man.
S – Yes! Right. Well…actually…no, I think I was finished. Prongs just asked me how I knew about him, then you started scolding me for not knowing that girl's name, and now…here we are!
J – So, what did they say about him?
S – Well, Lily kept going on and on and on about how beautiful he was…you know, tall, blond hair, big blue eyes, nice sense of style –
J – Thanks Padfoot! I get it! What did the others say?
S – Well, Alice said that he was cute but his nose was a little on the large side, then Mary –
R – May.
S – Close enough. Anyway, she started giggling and said that he had a huge nose and could probably smell things a mile away. She also said he was too skinny.
J – So what I've gathered from this is that Lily is attracted to tall, skinny guys with blond hair, blue eyes, big noses and a good sense of style.
S – Well, you got the nose thing going for you!
R – Must you be so insensitive?
S – You're also kind of on the scrawny side…
R – You've gotten a lot taller this year.
S – And you don't have a bad sense of style…no where near as perfect as mine of course…
R – So you see? 4 out of 6 is good!
J – But blond hair? Blue eyes?
S – Blond hair? Whatever. Every woman wants a man who's tall, dark, and handsome.
R – Except Lily.
J – Moony, isn't Padfoot the one who's supposed to make me feel lousy?
R – Sorry Prongs.
J – It's okay. It's not your fault.
(Bell rings)
S - "Wow, that was a short class."
R - "Not really. You slept through over half of it."
S - "That's right. I'm really hungry."
R – "Good thing it's time for lunch, then."
S – "Can't disagree with you there, mate."
R – "Now Prongs, I – Prongs?"
S – "Where did he go?"
R – "I'm…not sure."
(Remus and Sirius run out into the hall to see James disappearing behind a corner.)
S – "Prongs!"
(Remus and Sirius catch up to James.)
S – "Where do you think you're going? The great hall is that way."
J – "I'm going to Hogsmeade."
R – "Prongs…?"
S – "Why are y – Wait a minute…You're going to hex that Coffee Man, aren't you?"
J – "I'm not going to hex him. I'm merely going to observe him from a distance to see what is so great about him then pick out his flaws and present them to Lily in a mature, dignified manner."
S – "Then you're going to hex him."
J – "It's just something I have to do."
(10 minutes later in the Three Broomsticks.)
S – "Wow! No crowd! I think I'll order a Butterbeer…or five."
J – "No! Focus! Remember what our mission is."
S – "Hexing the Coffee Man."
J – "Exactly."
S – "Come on, just one little Butterbeer?"
J – "No! You'll spoil your lunch."
S – "We won't make it back for lunch, you git. You owe me a trip to Honeydukes."
J – "Fine. Just shut up and don't make it obvious that we're looking for this guy."
R – "I see him…at least…I think that's him…he fits the description…"
J – "That's him!"
S – "Wow Prongs, I think someone beat you to the hexing!"
J – "Look at those nostrils! I've never seen anything like it!"
R – "Do you feel better about yourself Prongs?"
J – "You bet I do. Wow, looks like our work here has been done for us…comes on mates. Let's get back to school before we miss lunch."
Later that day…
Transfiguration
J – OK…we've got to write a note to Lily.
S – We? You mean you want US to talk to her?
J – Yes. I need your help. You know the harshest insults in the book, especially when it comes to looks.
S – I'm good.
J – And Lily is actually friends with Moony, so if Moony makes fun of him, she's got to see the light!
R – I don't necessarily see the logic in that…
J – Just go with it Moony.
R – Right.
J – Why hello Evans.
L – Are you trying to land me in detention, Potter?
J – Why would I want to do that?
L – I don't know…but passing notes in McGonagall's class seems to be a pretty efficient way to do so.
J – Point taken. I just wanted to tell you now hard feelings.
L – I beg your pardon?
J – Oh you know…how you went and fell in love with that toucan who works at the Three Broomsticks.
L – Who told you?
J – You know how gossip spreads at this school.
L – Indeed.
J – You know, I can't help but wonder, what does he have I haven't got?
L - A conscience.
S - Ooooh…ouch.
L – Black, why are YOU involved in this conversation?
S – You know, moral support in case you once again break Jamsie's heart and I have to let him cry on my shoulder and then pass him Peter's handkerchief.
L – Peter has a handkerchief?
S – So it would appear.
L – Huh.
J – Sirius, how do you ALWAYS manage to steer conversations away from the original topic?
S – It's a gift, mate.
J – Anyway, Evans, I think Padfoot has something that he'd like to tell you.
S – Yes. James has fluffy pink bunny slippers and sleeps with a fat stuffed panda named Mikey.
J – I meant the OTHER thing you need to tell her.
S –I would like to tell you that the Wizard known as "Coffee Man" is the proud owner of a rather large nasal bone.
J – Can't you say it in a more…to the point way?
S – His nose is bloody HUGE.
J – Better.
L – And how would you know this? You've never even seen him.
J – Don't be so hasty to assume that, my dear.
L – What does that mean Potter?
J – It just so happens…I have seen him. Sirius and Remus as well.
L –
Oh no…you hexed him, didn't you?
J – Well, you see I
was going to…
S – But when we got there, we didn't see the need!
L – You two are horrible!
J – Evans, all we're trying to say is that he looked like he had jumped in front of a rather powerful Engorgement Charm, that's all.
L – Remus, help me out here.
J – I'm afraid dear Remus has sided with us on this one, Evans.
L – Remus?
R – I regret to have to tell you this Lily, but I too found his nose to be…slightly larger than the average nose.
S – Face it Lils. The man has a beak.
J – Caw! Caw! I'm Coffee Man! Caw!
L – I hate all of you. Even you, Remus.
J – What about me?
L – Especially you, Potter.
S – So, you hate me less than James but more than Remus?
L – Exactly.
S – I can live with that.
L – Though Potter, I would like to ask you something.
J – Evans, you don't even have to ask. Yes, I'll marry you.
L – Not quite. Do you really have bunny slippers and a stuffed panda?
S – Named Mikey!
J – Would it turn you on if I said yes?
L – Not in the least.
J – Then no.
S – He's a liar. It's so true.
J – No it's NOT Sirius…
S – Is too.
J – Fine…would you care for me to tell the world of what you've got hidden under your bed?
S – Do your worst!
J – Well…I actually don't know what you've got hidden under your bed…I haven't looked since third year and something growled at me from underneath…
S – What?
J – You didn't know that something was living under your bed!
S – NO!
J – Oh…well…huh…
S - You've let me sleep on that bed for the past 3 years knowing that some monster was LIVING under it? Jeez! What kind of a friend are you?
J – Well, none of us are dead yet, so that's a good sign!
R – It's probably been living off of all the junk food you have stashed around the dorm.
S – I don't want to sleep in my bed tonight. James, you and I are switching beds.
J – No way. You think I want to sleep on your nasty mattress?
S – What's wrong with my mattress?
J – I've seen you when sleep. You drool all over the place.
L – Gross!
S – And would you mind telling me WHY you've watched me sleeping?
J – Well, once I was going to bleach your hair, because just as I had reached your bed and pulled back the curtains, I realized that I was out of bleach.
S – And you didn't just conjure up some more because…?
J – I was a little second year and it was 1:30 in the morning.
S – Understandable.
Bell.