Authoress' Notes: Well, here's this year's installment. Of course, this is more of an abridged version, so no griping over inaccuracies, shortness, or overall nonsense. This is just a short, sweet, and funny parody of "A Christmas Carol" (If you haven't guessed) and will hopefully provide you with some holiday laughs.
Merry Freakin' Christmas!
Chapter 3: A (Slightly Disturbing) Christmas Carol!
Well, well, well! It seems that it's Christmas time once again! Snow was on the ground, winter was in the air, and everybody was shaking their groove thing like there was no tomorrow, which would suck, 'cause tomorrow was Christmas Day!
As Chuigi watched all of Pikario's stupid ass friends dance to oddly appropriate Christmas techno music in a nearby club place thingy, he realized he just wasn't in the mood for dancing. And why would he turn down such a crazy, inviting offer to dance his ass to epilepsy-causing lights, loud, deafening musics, and smelly, beer-drenched people? ...Er, could it be because Pikario was dead?
Dead?! DEAD?! Doth mine ears deceive me?! Pikario's actually kicked the bucket?! Uh, yeah. As a matter of fact, he has! Pikario Of course, Chuigi was sentenced to watching the house, so he was perfectly fine. The funeral costs were murder, but the insurance company took care of that. So, his little bro decided to stay home for the holidays, as he'd already kicked all the strippers from earlier out, due to the fact he was tired. Plus, Santa was on his way! As strange as it sounded
Chuigi lay sleeping in bed, trying not to wake up, in fear of Santa passing him by, when all of a sudden...
"Chuigi!"
He opened an eye. "...What?"
"Chuigi!"
"What?!"
"CHUIGI!"
"WHAT?!"
Pikario appeared out of nowhere as a ghost! "It's me, that's what! And you better listen up, or else?"
His brother turned away. "Yeah, and why should I? We both know this is either an hallucination, a dream, or some kind of crazy, messed up combination of both."
The Pikachu scoffed. "You wish. Anyway, tonight, you'll be visited by 3 ghosts, and you better listen to them, or you'll end up like meeeeeeeee!"
"Well, technically, everybody'll end up like you at one point, so..."
"Shut up! I'd come back from the grave to haunt you if I could, but it's Christmas, and it just wouldn't be right if I did..."
"So... They celebrate Christmas in the afterlife?"
"Uh, duh. Damn, you're stupid. I hope those ghosts give you what for!" he scwoled as he disappeared into thin air.
Chuigi waved it off, yawned, and went back to bed. "Stupid early hangover/dream/hallucinations..."
But before he could get back to bed, he found himself hoisted up by a giant claw pulling on his ear! Looking a lot like Bowser, he introduced himself!
"Bwahahahaha! I am the ghost of Christmas Past! Fear me and the fact that I am a Ghost, fool! Now rise, and face your doom! Mwahahahaha!"
Chuigi raised an eyebrow. "Really now? You look more like Bowser in a cheap 3-D, see-through effort they use in crappy movies with low budgets."
The ghost, who I shall now refer to as 'GCP', rolled his eyes. "Ugh, everybody says that, and it drives me nuts! I'm not Bowser, I'm the ghost of Christmas Past! And I have come to uh... show you the past!"
"...Delightful," muttered the Pichu.
"SHUT UP! Your bitchin' outta stop once you see... YOUR PAST! BWAHAHAHA!"
And so, they went to the past! How? THEY JUST DID! You actually think I'm gonna sit here and try and explain how they transcended time and space to arrive in the past?! NO!"So, now what?"
GCP shook his fist in his face. "Look and see! It's you when you were a little Pichu!"
"I'm still a Pichu..."
"I said a little Pichu!"
"...What exactly does 8 inches mean to you in that little empty head of yours?"
"Just shut up and watch!"
"I don't have to. Just went on a thrilling expedition with my stupid brother and our baby forms. Trust me, if I never see our baby selves again, it'll be too soon."
GCP sweatdropped. "You were never a happy guy, were you?"
"If I was, I'd be a Raichu by now... and famous!"
"Well, just 'cause you had a sucky childhood doesn't mean the future's gonna be any worse."
He scoffed. "Who're you trying to kid? There pretty much is no future. We're just going putting off our inevitable fate that will one day, if not sooner, consume us and wipe out all life in one, big explosion of nitrogen and cheese."
GCP frowned. "Cheese?"
"What? It's more lethal than you think it is!"
"...Dude, you've got some serious issues."
"'Issues' is just 'tissues' without the 'T', no one ever said having those are a bad thing..."
"BLARGH! I can't deal with this!" he grabbed Chuigi. "Since you refuse to look back into the past, and you don't believe in the future, there's nothing I can do to help you! I mean, not like I would, anyway! You're wierd, man! Too weird! WAY too weird!"
"And that's a probelm because...?"
"It's a problem because I don't deal with the crackpots, just those mislead losers who can't ever remember where they came from! That sure ain't the case for you, so back to your pitiful existnace you go!"
And with that, he hurled Chuigi, er... somewhere! That's right! Somewhere! Perhaps back to his house? Yeah, that sounds about right...
Chuigi sat straight up in his bed, rubbing his head! Hey, that rhymes, lol!
"That was obviously just the 'sugarplums dancing in my head', no doubt..." he sighed. "Stupid hallucinations. Why must you torment me so?! Why can't I just have a normal Christmas for once?!"
"You can and you will!" giggled a female's voice.
Chuigi blinked. "Oh, great. More hallucinations. Can't a guy get some rest around here?! I'm trying to wait for Santa, and he'll never come if you weirdos keep waking me up!"
After another giggle, a Raichu, who strangely looked like Peach appeared. "Silly Chuigi! You still believe in Santa Claus?"
"...And you still believe you have a brain?"
"Nope! Kicked the habit about a week ago! Oh, and by the way, I'm the ghost of Christmas present! HAVE SOME UNWRAPPED BOXES CHOCK FULL OF NOTHING!"
"Um, yay?"
"Yes, yes! But don't open 'em now, cause we gotta go and show you the meaning of Halloween!"
"...Christmas."
"Christmas! That's what I said!"
Taking Chuigi by the paw and turning him into a ghost, GCPR whisked him away to see just what he missing out on!"Okay, there's a house, there's some grass, ooh, the moon, and there's a tree! Ooh! OOH! LOOK! A CYNDAQUIL! HI, CYNDAQUIL!"
Her companion frowned. "Uh, aren't you supposed to be showing me my so-called friends having Christmas?"
"Oh! Yeah! Well, uh... look over there! At that house!"
Chuigi groaned, knowing where this was going. "Oh no! Not one of those sappy, poor yahoos who eat fruitcake for Christmas. Oh, joy."
"Aw, come on! They're a super happy family, with lots of super happy treats and fruitcake!"
"Nah, I'll pass. Fruitcake gives me gas, and slap-happy people make me sick."
"But they're, like, happy and stuff 'cause it's Christmas, and that's what Christmas is all about! Don'tcha see?"
"Look, lady. All I care about is going home, going to bed, and waiting for Santa to bring me that AK-47! Hopefully so I gun down losers like this Christmas Day!"
GCPR frowned. "Aw, now that's not nice! You should be shooting at them with bullets of happiness, not hate!"
Chuigi rolled his eyes. "Bleh..."
"Hmm, I did my best, but you're not gonna listen to me, I guess the next guy'll have to try his luck! Oh, well! That's means I can go home now and eat some eggnog pudding! YAYSIES!" And with a wave of her paw, everything went black!
POOF! Chuigi sat up in his bed, quite frankly pissed off!
"All right! That's it!" he growled, throwing off the covers and stomping across the room. "No more stupid ghosts are gonna come in here and try to tell me what I should do for Christmas! When I get that AK-47, they're dead! ...Uh, again!"
He reached the closet and was about rummage through for a missile launcher or something when he noticed a Dialga blocking the way!
He scowled. "Hey! Move it, you crooked, 4-legged abomination from the depths of Hades!"
Dialga snarled. "WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME?!"
Chuigi crossed his arms as he repeated himself. "A crooked, 4-legged abomination from the depths of Hades! Now, outta the way!"
"Oh..." The dragon frowned. "That hurt my feelings..."
"CHUIGI THE PICHU!" bellowed Palkia, who somehow appeared out of the closet, despite the fact Dialga could barely fit in there! "YOU HAVE BEEN VERY NAUGHTY FOR EVERY SINGLE CHRISTMAS THAT HAS COME AND GONE!"
Chuigi raised an eyebrow. "So?"
Palkia growled. "So... we're here to teach you a lesson about Christmas, seeing as the other Ghosts have failed horribly! Quake in fear, mortal, for you are in the presence of the Ghosts of Christmas to Come! Mwahahahahaha!"
"WTF? You can't both be the Ghost of Christmas Future!"
Dialga groaned. "First off, it's 'The Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come'!"
"Second, yes we can! We both own freakin' time and space! And that makes us liable to do whatever we want, okay?!"
Chuigi shrugged. "Whatever. It's not like I care..."
Palkia grabbed him. "Oh, you'll be caring in a minute!"
"Yeah!" added Dialga! "When we get through with you!"
"Fuck off! I just said that!" growled Palkia.
Dialga flipped her off! ...Somehow. "Screw you! I sounded a lot scarier!"
"Listen!" said Chuigi. "You both suck, okay? You're horrible at this, you stink as legends, and Rayquaza can pwn you guys any day. I don't need this! I just wanna go back to bed before Santa shows up!"
The blue guy was outraged! "The crap?! Didja hear what this little rat just said?!"
"I'm not as deaf as you are stupid, dumbass," grumbled Palkia.
"SHUT UP!"
"Anyways," Palkia randomly threw Chuigi into a graveyard, as they were there now. "Christmas has nothing to do with being with your family and spending time with your loved ones!"
Chuigi sweatdropped. "Uh, don't you have that backwards?"
"Oh, yeah?! Well, it's not like you care about your family or friends!"
"Because they all blow ass."
Dialga thumped him on the head. "Silence! Even if they do suck, you're still supposed to spend time with them so you can get their presents! That's the real meaning of Christmas, duh!"
Palkia shrugged. "In a nutshell, pretty much."
"I JUST SAID THAT!"
"WELL, YOU SUCK, SO LET SOMEONE'LL HE'LL ACTUALLY LISTEN TO SAY IT!"
Chuigi walked off as the two began fighting. "Forget this! I'm going back home to wait for Santa! I worked too hard this year not to get what I've been waiting for!"
He kept walking until he ran into a tombstone. He was ready to kick it over when he noticed it had his name on it! OMG!
"'Here Lies Chuigi'," he read, "'The Gayest Guy in the History of Gaydom'?! WTF?"
"You see?" Palkia said, flying over. "If you don't straighten up and start acting good for Christmas, Santa won't just give you an AK-47, he'll kill you with it!"
"Really?"
"Yeah!" laughed Dialga. "Now roll around, crying and screaming how it all can't be true, and that you don't wanna die and--"
The Pichu scoffed. "Screw this! I'm not gonna go out like my loser brother did! I'm going to slightly change my ways so that I just barely meet the requirement for not dying young! BOOYAH!"
"But that's not--! I mean, you're supposed to--! You can't just--!" sputtered Dialga.
"Whatever. Don't care. Take me home now, for I've somewhat learned my lesson."
Palkia frowned. "Aw, but come on! You're no fun! You're supposed to be learning a life lesson from this sorta thing! What, you think we traveled millions of light years for you to get absolutely nothing outta this?!"
"Who cares? You did your job, Christmas is 'saved', and Pikario's still dead! Everybody's happy, woop-dee-doo."
Dialga snorted. "All right, fine! But remember, you'll pay for this!"
Chuigi rolled his eyes. "Yeah, yeah. Get on with it already! Send me home now!"
"What do we do now? That little brat didn't learn a single thing!"
Diagla smirked evilly. "Don't worry; I've got an idea..."
Back home, Chuigi punched his pillow, pretty steamed at the fact he'd missed Christmas!
"Damn it!" he growled. "It's already was morning and Santa didn't even land on the roof! Damn! It's all those stupid ghosts' fault! Damn! I bet Pikario was the head of this! Damn! If I ever see 'em again, I'll--"
"You'll what?"
"The crap?" In horror, he looked up to see brother standing before him, undead! And when I say "undead", I mean he was alive! "Pikario, you're supposed to be dead!"
He growled. "Yeah, well, you obviously don't know when to listen to me, so Dialga and Palkia sent me back to whip you into shape!"
"WTF? Since when can they do that?"
"They both own freakin' time and space! That makes 'em liable to do whatever they want!"
He sweatdropped. "Yeah, where've I heard that before?"
"You little bastard, you didn't do one thing I told you to, did you?! You're supposed to listen to ghostly spirits, otherwise, what's the point in being ghosts?!"
"Yeah, so what're you gonna do about it? It's Christmas, and I've already been screwed in more ways than one! ...In the bad way..."
"Hmph, you don't desrve it, but here." He handed him his Christmas present; an AK-47! "Enjoy it now, 'cause in exactly 18 hours, your ass is going down!"
"Dude! Freaking sweet! Not only did I get what I want, but I also saved Christmas!"
Pikario frowned. "No, you didn't."
"Well, I kinda did. Unlike you, whose ass has been dead for the last 2 months, and should've stayed that way."
Before Chuigi knew it, he was substituting the snowman's head outside, feeling pretty silly about his new body! But that didn't bother him too much, as Pikario was nice enough to jam his present in there with him, making it appear as if the snowman was ready to blow someone's brains out! Not one passerby gawked at this disturbing sight in the front yard, for they knew it was Christmas, and there were a lot worse ways a guy could be spending it. As far Chuigi was concerned, this was probably the best one ever.
Authoress' Notes: Sorry if it wasn't up to snuff, but I was a little pressed for time... Merry Christmas!