Authoress' Notes: YES! It's finally Christmas again, my favorite time of the year! And with it comes this special Christmas story! IN PIKARIO FROM! Just consider this a little something to keep you tied over until "P&C2" comes out! And if you're annoyed by all the rhyming, try to ignore it. I wanted to be original for once! So shoot me!
Merry Freakin' Christmas!
Chapter 1: Be Jolly, Dammit!
Now, gather 'round my friends, old and new, as I shall share this special story with you. It's about Christmas and laughter, friends and brotherhood... Or at least, it should...
It was finally Christmastime in the Shroomish Kingdom and everyone was jolly! Because now that was nearing Christmas, they could act even MORE overly jolly! And the fact that they were just that much more holly made them even more—unfortunately for most of us—JOLLY!
But there was one person, or Koopa, to be exact... no, wait a minute! He's actually a Blastoise! Ah, I keep forgetting about that!
...But anyway, this Koopa/Blastoise person guy was not happy about the Holidays, as he confirms this with a sneer! Mostly cause he never gets any presents, since he's been bad all year!
"Kammy, damn it, it's not fair! Look at all those bumbling idiots down there!" Bowser shouted, looking at all the louts who, um, LOUTED!
"My lord, whatever are you talking about? They're just dancing about!" said the hag, who herself, was pretty much a lout.
"Dancing about they may be, but that's never been pleasing to me! Especially now that it's Christmas again and probably not gonna get any presents... AGAIN!"
"Well," Kammy advised. "It's no big surprise! All year, you lie, steal, and cheat! You're mean, rude, and even make the troops clean your feet!"
"SILENCE!" Bowser roared, quite angry at that. "I know I've been bad! I'm the KING! I'm supposed to do that! It's that bastard Santa who's the cause of all this trouble, so I think I'll pay him a little visit and, for once, burst his bubble!"
Kammy was shocked! "My lord! That's impossible! ...I mean the visiting Santa part, not the bubble... You can't just go to the North Pole! It doesn't exist here, at least, that's what I've been told..."
"That's it!" Bowser shouted, enjoying his gloating. "Santa Claus must live in the world of creative accounting! No one knows where that is or what that means, so it must be where he's hiding!"
"I guess anything at this point would work..." Kammy finished, adding in a sneaky smirk.
So, Bowser and Kammy went to the world of creative accounting and since no one knows where that is or how to get there, they were very prompt in succeeding! It wasn't long before Bowser found the workshop of Santa Claus, the most awesomest guy in the world, with all the FREE OF CHARGE present-bringing he does for all the boys and girls!
"Halt!" Bowser busted in! "Stop the toy-making and throw 'em all into the bin! They're going home with me to keep, so do it now and make it a clean sweep!"
"What now? What's the story?" yelled Santa Claus, who was a Delibird because this is a POKéMON story!
Bowser pulled out a bad-ass Bazooka Bill, the kind of Bullet Bill that isn't really run-of-the-mill! "Cut the jolly crap, asshole! Just gimme the stuff and I'll go!"
"OH, MY GOD! HE'S GONNA SHOOT! HIT THE DECK!" cried one of Santa's non-elf Snorunts! LOL! What the heck?
Bowser laughed and fired at the wall, blowing it away and all! "Stopping I will not do, at least not until I've taken every single last gift from you!"
Santa let loose his Stantlers! "Quick, use Hypnosis to silence that brute! And then, use Earthquake to give him the boot! Why can't I ever have a peaceful Christmas? One without some lunatic trying to ruin it's--"
He was suddenly cut off as Bowser blew apart his Stantlers one by one! "Die Dasher, die Dancer, die Prancer, and Vixen! Die Comet, die Cupid, die Donner and Blitzen!"
Snorunt #540 sweatdropped! "Holy shit! This guy's serious!"
Santa jumped out the hole in wall! "RUN AWAY, ELSE HE'LL KILL US!"
"BWA HA HA!" Bowser took t3h Big Bag 0f Gifts and threw it at Kammy. "Christmas is mine and that's not a lie! Merry Christmas to all! Now, you're all gonna die!"
Uh oh! This doesn't look good! Let's go back to the Shroomish Kingdom and into Pikario's neighborhood! Well, whaddya know? IT'S SNOWING! WOOHOO! And Peach is there, too? Especially after she just finished inviting the Magnificent Seven over for eggnog? MAZEL TOV!
Pikario got down from decorating the Christmas Tree, topping it all off with a Nintendo DS for all to see! "There! Now that's better! See, I told you that'd work better than a stinky, old sweater! ...Wait a minute... Why am I rhyming? That's for nerds! And I'm doing it in perfect timing! CURSE YOU... um... YOU BIRDS!"
"It's just some stupid Christmas gag," Chuigi sighed.
"You'll get used to it!" Peach called, coming in from outside!
"So, what time is everyone coming? I'm getting bored!" Chuigi grumbled, drinking the rest of his eggnog and going to get some more.
"Very soon!" Peach chimed. "I only called them at noon!"
Very randomly, Pikario sat up, spilling his eggnog into Chuigi's Articuno-themed cup! "Sweet! And when they get here that means..."
Peach bounced up. "They can help us deck the halls with Poké Balls and light the tree with Christmas lights that shine and gleam?"
"NO! We go outside and spread the joy of YELLOW SNOW!" Chuigi answered, going outside and writing, 'mY b1g br0TH3r eAt$ P00!' What a strange and funny thing to do!
Then, the Magnificent Seven came up, all wrapped up in sweaters and stuff!
Pikella was in a wonder, surprised at the Pichu's behavior. "Chuigi... what are you doing?"
"Marking my territory!" he replied. "Not to mention giving the yard a little trimming!"
Ms. Rwatt sweatdropped. "Okay..." And they went on their way!
Getting to the door, Pikella knocked and Peach promptly answered with a gasp of happy shock! "Hi, Pikella! You look great! Won't you come in and have these Legendary Pokémon cookies on a plate?"
"Thanks, Peach! Don't mind if I do!" she took a cookie. "And the Kyogre-shaped ones are my absolute favorite, too!"
"'sup, Pikella? I thought you said you'd kill me if you saw me again," Pikario reminded Pikella of her dastardly plan.
"It's Christmas, a time of joy and brotherhood, so I'm not allowed, even though I really should..." Pikella huffed, dropped a shitload of gifts and stuff.
Pikario pushed her over! "In that case, Merry Christmas and shut the hell up!"
"It's Christmas! Hi, everybody! I love you SO much!" Vivian busted in, all bisexual and stuff!
"Do you have to say that every time we walk into someone's house?" Crusher muttered, looking outside at the still-peeing mouse!
Bobbery walked in, followed by Flurrie, Ms. Rwatt and Squirt. Wow, everyone's here! This party of 10 just might work!
Peach was happy! "Okay! Now that everyone's here, what should we do to bring in Christmas happiness and cheer?"
"I thought it was called X-mas," Crusher said, eating a cookie that looked a lot like Moltres!
"Let's sing some songs!" Ms. Rwatt suggested.
And so they did!
On the First Day of Christmas, a Koopa gave to me: an Authoress with too much spare time on her hands!
On the Second Day of Christmas, a Koopa gave to me:
2 Courage Shells
And an Authoress with too much spare time on her hands!
On the Third Day of Christmas, a Koopa gave to me:
3 Shadow Sirens
2 Courage Shells
And an Authoress with too much spare time on her hands!
And it went and on and on like that until...!
On the Twelfth Day of Christmas, a Koopa gave to me:
12 Hordes of Smorgs
11 Spiky Goombas
10 Jelly Ultras
9 Elite X-Nauts
8 Boss Battles
7 Crystal Stars
6 Pianta Tokens
5 BORING CHAPTERS
4 Whacka Bumps
3 Shadow Sirens
2 Courage Shells
And an Authoress with too much spare time on her hands!
"Well, that was fun," Squirt coughed awkwardly. "what do we do now, rock around the Christmas Tree?"
Chuigi disagreed. "Naw, that's already been bested."
"...By playing in the snow!" Peach interrupted, jumping out the window!
Squirt said, "Let's open the presents!"
Vivian said, "We can't do that! Even though we brought some for you, Santa hasn't been here yet!
Crusher rolled his eyes! "What a bunch of lies! Santa doesn't exist, you ho!"
Pikella scolded him. "Don't call her that, or you'll be headfirst out there in the snow! You know the rules: Until Christmas is over, no name-calling, arguments, violence, or deceitful tricks and plotting! Anyone people who cause trouble on Christmas are a bunch of fools!"
"...If anyone needs me, I'll be in the snow..." Chuigi said, using this as an excuse to go!
Outside, Peach waved her paws to and fro, hoping again that it would snow! "Come on, Pikario! It's so much fun! Come out here and show everyone how snowy funtime is done!"
"Oh, please!" Pikario shouted crossly. "If I go out there I'll freeze! I think I'm better off in the house; for I'm not a real 'outside' kind of mouse!"
Chuigi flipped off the Pikachu! "Fine! Then we'll just have fun without you! It shouldn't too hard, especially with all this snow in the yard! You're really missing out, Pikario, and that ain't a lie! Why, there's so much snow out here, I could just die!"
"Then take a hint and why don't you?" Pikario retorted, sticking his rear end out the window for his brother to view!
Flurries scoffed. "Pikario, that was quite rude..."
Bobbery added, "And it wasn't a very nice thing to do..."
Then, Shroomsworth and some Shroomishes ran in! "Mario! Mario! It's quite awful, you know! It seems someone has stolen all presents, making Christmas this year a no-go!"
"What the fuck?" said Pikario, with anger, he was quite struck. "Now, who'd do something retarded like that?"
"Maybe a tree!" said a Shroomish.
"Or a Stantler!" said another.
"Or a baseball bat!" said yet, another who decided to be the other!
Crusher sweatdropped. "...Yeah... Well, anyway... What do we do now? We'll never find those presents no how!"
Then, one Shroomish said, "He probably took them from the world of creative accounting! It's not like we actually know how we got those presents in the morning!"
"Okay, so how do we get there?" Squirt asked, because he was so totally square!
"Loser! No one knows where it is or how to get there! You just go!" Pikario shouted, pushing him out into the snow!
WE'RE OFF YET AGAIN TO SAVE CHRISTMAS! Isn't that original...? Aside from that, everyone arrived at the world of creative accounting in no time at all.
Upon walking into the conveniently-placed workshop, Pikario was shocked! "What the hell? It's Santa Claus!"
"What's he doing here?" Ms. Rwatt asked. "Isn't it against copyright laws?"
Chuigi nodded in understanding, then went on to rambling: "Not really, since almost everyone loves Christmas so damn much. It's got kinda... you know, the magic touch."
Santa the Delibird said, "Pikario, it seems Bowser's stolen all my presents, as you can see! And without those gifts, Christmas can't continue annually!"
Pikario pointed out the window and into the snow! "Then, off to Bowser's we will go! Because I want the most perfect present of all!"
"Hopefully, it'll be something small," Chuigi remarked, not caring about Pikario's intentions at all!
Off they went to Bowser's castle, so dark and gloomy it seemed to be. That's the way he lives his life, I guess. IT'S JUST THE WAY THINGS ARE MEANT TO BE!
Bowser laughed. "Bwa ha ha! You'll never get these gifts from me! You'll die a horrible death today, Pikario! That you'll soon see!"
"Yeah!" Kammy included. "Before Lord Bowser's done, I won't have anything to do, because you'll be dead!"
"Aw, I sense hostility! Somebody needs a huggy-wuggy, don't they?" Vivian swooned, because he was, dare I say it?
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...Gay. THERE I SAID IT! HAPPY NOW? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Vivian bounced over to Bowser. "Tra la-la la-la!"
Bowser sweatdropped. "What the hell are you doing?"
Pikario also sweatdropped. "I think she has the Christmas spirit..."
Chuigi squinted! "...OH! Now, I see it!"
"Eww!" Crusher grimaced. "I'm getting sick of all this swooning!"
Kammy backed away. Something was the matter! "Um, is this thing a guy or gal, because if it's the latter..."
"Here! I give up! You win!" Bowser dropped t3h Big Bag 0f Gifts on the floor. "Just get him... uh, her... uh, IT away from me!"
"That was a little easier than I thought," Pikella once again, thought!
Vivian looked depressed. "Once again, my yearnings for love, peace, and happiness have to be suppressed!"
Pikario threw Pikella's sweater at the Shadow Siren. "Give it a rest and get your mind outta the dirty bin!"
Sometime later, which really wasn't too much later...
Chuigi's mouth dropped. "Whaddya mean you can't go, you big flop? We got your freakin' presents, so it's time to freakin' go, not stop!"
Santa sighed. "Well, when Bowser stole my gifts, my Stantler...um... 'fainted' while trying to fight him, that big misfit! So, now I can't deliver the presents one way or another... Maybe that 'Christmas in July' thing'll let me do it this summer..."
"You know, if you told me that earlier, that's another plot of Bowser's I could've fumbled!" Pikario mumbled.
"Ooh, I have an idea that just might work! We can deliver the presents for you!" Peach said, with a smirk.
"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" Crusher said.
Flurrie nodded. "It's crazy, mad, and most of all, quite absurd!"
"Plus, we don't have any mode of transportation! Oh, the abomination!" Vivian added. "I guess this means Santa's through! Christmas has had it!"
"Not if I have anything to say about it!" Pikario pouted. "Fine, I'll do it, but if hafta do this shit, then everyone's coming with me and that's it!"
"Oh no!" Squirt hid in his shell. "I can't do that! I don't handle air travel very well!"
"Too bad! You're going!" Pikario commanded, kicking him in the groin!
"But we still need a way to travel the skies!" Crusher reminded the others, forgetting that he was able to fly!
All of a sudden, a sparkle appeared in the sky! It was Bluetail, Blacktail, and even Bonetail! What a surprise! They landed with a thump and, expecting a fight, everyone prepared to give them lumps!
But then Bluetail said, "What are you doing? We're trying to help! Better take off your fighting gloves, you wussy, little whelps!"
"Help us?" Pikella inquired. "But you're the bad guys! You probably just want to set us on fire!"
And Blacktail said, "That's a lie! Until Christmas is over, we're on your side! It's in the rules, you know. Why else would we come here through all that sleet and snow?"
Vivian scratched his head. "To watch the aurora borealis? It's quite pretty, you know."
Blacktail roared, "NO! We're gonna help pull Santa's sleigh and bring everyone presents so they'll be happy on Christmas Day!"
"AROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" said the zombified Bonetail! Apparently, he was ready to help, too!
Santa sighed a sigh of relief. "Well, that's great to hear! I think I know of 3 good little Salamences who are going to receive a big, rotting carcass for Christmas this year!"
Pikario sweatdropped! "Now THAT... I didn't need to hear..."
BANZAI! And so, Bluetail, Blacktail, and Bonetail got hitched up and carried the sleigh! Hey, if you're gonna do something right, you might as well do it the cool way!
Pikario, Chuigi, Peach, Pikella, Squirt, Flurrie, Crusher, Vivian, Bobbery and Ms. Rwatt rode in the sleigh, dropping off presents, singing Christmas carols, and getting strung out on eggnog all along the way!
You better look out,
You better not cry,
You better not snitch; We're tellin' you why,
Cause we might be bombin' your town!
Squirt puked on it twice,
Santa made us a list,
Now, we don't know who's been naughty or nice,
So, we might be bombin' your town!
We know if you're still sleeping,
We know just where you are,
So, you better leave us cookies,
Cause our guns aren't off too far!
Oh! You better look out,
You better not cry,
You better not snitch; We're tellin' you why,
Cause we might be bombin' your town!
We know if you've been real nice,
We know if you've been naughty,
All the bad kids better watch their ass,
Cause Pikella knows karate!
Oh! You better look out,
You better not cry,
You better not snitch; We're tellin' you why,
Cause we might be bombin' your town!
Don't think we're being ruthless,
Don't think we're being mean,
But if you don't like Pokémon,
A disaster your house will see!
So! You better look out,
You better not cry,
You better not snitch; We're tellin' you why,
Cause we might be bombin' your town!
On through the night they went, dropping gifts and packages all over the universe! From Kanto to Johto, to Dreamland and beyond they traversed! From the Shroomish Kingdom, to the Hoogivezahkrap Kingdom, and even to the REAL Mushroom Kingdom! They even went to the Almighty Authoress' house! Isn't that sweet? They left me a copy of "Mario & Luigi: Partners in Time" underneath the Christmas Tree!
From 7:00 in the evening in to 7:00 that morning, they spread the joys of Christmas crap for everyone to be praising! They went back to Santa's house and got themselves quite a praising! They had eggnog, beer, cookies, and played video games ease! The round of fun broke up when Bluetail, Bonetail, and Blacktail said they had to leave!
"We have to go back home, you see," Bluetail explained. "Cause come tomorrow, we're gonna be back to being your enemies!"
Pikario gave Bonetail a high-five! "Oh, well, it was fun while it lasted! And tomorrow, prepare to be blasted!"
The 3 Salamences flew up, up, and away, not to be heard about again until later that Christmas Day! Then, surprise, surprise! Who's at the door? Why, it's none other than Bowser, looking even more annoyed than before!
"A lump of coal, Pikario? What the hell? As long as I'm here, I might as well cook your tail!"
Then Santa came up, "Bowser, I don't understand why you're all in a huff! It's your own fault that you've naughty and not nice. Why, you're lucky I didn't leave you any explosive ice!"
"Now, lookie here, you!" Kammy was pissed! "You better give His Highness at least one gift!"
Boswer got all teary-eyed! "I just want one! Please? It's hard to be the good guy when you can be bad with so much ease!"
Santa rolled his eyes. "Well, I guess that's true..." he pulled out a present. "But I'm only doing this for the law of Christmas, NOT YOU! From now on, you have to be nice on Christmas, no matter how much you want to kick Pikario's ass!"
The king was surprised. "You mean, that's why I kept getting lumps of coals as my Christmas surprise? Because I wasn't nice to that bastard, Pikario? OH! IF ONLY I'D KNOWN!"
Kammy cleared her throat. "Yes, well... as his right-hand henchwoman, I think I deserve something, too... it's only the right thing to do..."
"Fine," Santa shoved a present to the old hag. "Now, get off my property, before I call security and have you dragged!" He slammed the door and they were heard no more!
"...Well," Pikario yawned. "That was fun, but it's nearly dawn. We need to go home and open our presents!"
"Oh, yeah. Forgot about that," Santa mused. "Well, have a Merry Christmas and never chew bubble gum after it's been used!"
With a sweatdrop, everyone nodded and ran out the door! Leaving Santa and his Snorunts to clean up the Stantler guts spewed all over the floor!
Back Home...
Pikario ripped open his present with glee, only to see... an AK-47! And a contract for his next high-grossing game, 'Pikario & Chuigi: Bozos in Time!' SWEET!
Chuigi got a new computer! What a shame! If he's lacking in presence, it's the online porn to blame!
Peach received a bed of water! Just the kind of thing she and Pikario could use when they have, um, 'sleepovers'!
Pikella got herself... a sexy male Pikachu with a Couple's Cake! A 2-for-1 deal! Now, she can finally get off Pikario's back and let her 'wounded' heart of love heal!
Squirt got himself some Courage Shells! Well, this ain't the Wizard of Oz or nothin', so let's say he's a lot more 'protected' now! ...Wait... What the hell...?
Flurrie got herself one of those skin-tight bikini things you see at the beach on sexy girls! OMG! COVER YOUR EYES BEFORE SHE PUTS IT ON! I THINK I'M GONNA HURL!
Crusher received a year's supply of brass knuckles! That he did enjoy! Looks like he's gonna be taking some wrestler names, boys!
Vivian, the most eccentric of them all, got, wouldn't you know it? 10 pairs of pantyhose, tight leather clothes, a whip, and that red thing you strap to your mouth that looks like a ball!
Bobbery obtained blasting powder, a ship, and sailors and pirates along with it! Now he can watch them on the high seas, with their cannons and ammo, go at it!
Ms. Rwatt got a, lemme guess... A badge? YES! The 'I'm Going to Break the Rules and You Can't Do Anything About It' badge! Too bad she didn't find it earlier. That could've helped Pikario's journey go a lot faster!
Bowser went home and opened his present, only to get... a brand-new baby Chain Chomp! How cute! Just look at it frolic! Watch how it flops!
Kammy, on the other hand, got a 2 years' supply of free treatment to a fancy-ass mud bath spa! I knew that's what old people liked! A-HA!
Everywhere, Christmas was celebrated, as you will soon see...
Tony and Vinny gave Da Don a new limousine! Complete with pimps, prostitutes, a pool, a DVD system, and the TV was wide-screen! For that, Da Don gave them the day off... with triple the pay of course!
Francesca gave Frankie a present he could NEVER send back! And to make it even worse, it was a 'present' he gave her about 9 months back! Now, he's up to his sunglasses in baby Lotads! Well, they may be a lot of good things about being Da Don, but this is one of the bad!
In PeachyKeenburg, Squirtley gave Koopie Koo a document that allowed her to change her name to Squirty Squirt! Wow... when Squirt gets back, that's really gonna hurt!
Chini and Chituni gave each other Mushrooms, dried and fresh! Too bad Chituni always wound up with the dried and Chituni always got the fresh!
Jolene gave Rawk Hawk some clean underwear! And in return, he gave her... back the underwear! He didn't like it; that was no doubt! Because of that, Jolene made him wear them inside out! And when I say that, I mean in a bad way... ouch...
Doopliss and the Boos sat down and had a nice, undead Christmas dinner with all sorts of zombies, ghouls, ghosts, and goblins! Strangely, there was less scaring than there was gobbling!
Cortez and the other 4,389,483,902 Shroomishes and Bob-ombs had a fun Christmas that you'd just have to applaud! Expect, if said 'Merry Christmas', you'd be beheaded! It was supposed to be 'Felis Navidad'!
The Excess Sex Express stopped running, since it was Christmas and all. The Engineer invited the staff over for dinner at his house, hordes of Smorgs and all!
Pussy Heights did celebrate Christmas, that I can say, but because they're so rich and famous, they celebrated it for 25 days!
The Bob-ombs at Fahr-OuwtpostMann commemorated the Holidays by blasting off presents their big-ass gun! Then, going out to see where they landed seemed to be the most fun!
In the Place of Shadowy Shadowness That is Very Shadowy Just Because It Is, the Shadow Queen was still dormant in her grave! Until, Vivian, being the sweetheart she is, left her the Crystal Stars as a Christmas present, but only if she promised when she came back and took over the world, she'd behave! Ha ha! That's so cute... Oh, wait! SHIT, WE'RE SO SCREWED!
Bluetail, Blacktail, and Bonetail all got the stinky, rotting carcasses they wanted! And they even got together and for Pikario's death, they plotted!
Back on Da Moon, the X-Nauts got together and gave TEC AOL 9.0! The best thing ever! Now, he can take over the universe and their moons much faster!
The little X –guys also got Grodius another dress! But because he was still a head, he couldn't wear it! What a mess! Instead, he uses it as a polisher! He'll be the shiniest basketball ever!
And last (and probably least), came Lord Crump, who got a Transformer Armada toy set! Because of his failed robot plan, it was probably the best thing he could get.
So, that's the end of a story that had less to do with the morals of Christmas than a badly portrayed soap opera on TV... Has anyone learned anything? ...Not me... Oh, well. I guess it goes to show that fizzy non-diet soda gives you crazy ideas... Not to mention lack of common sense and reasoning. Wait... that didn't rhyme. ...No more rhymes? No more rhymes! NO MORE RHYMES! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I'M FREE! I'M FREE! LOOK! PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME WITH A BASEBALL BAT! IT DOESN'T RHYME! HOLY CRAP, THIS IS A MERRY CHRISTMAS AFTER ALL! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Authoress' Notes: Yay! That was fun... and a little different... Ah, well. I was thinking of naming P&C2 some thing like "A Time to be Pwn3d" or "A Time of Pwnage", and once even considered, "Losers in Time". But thanks to Lord Luffy for suggesting "Bozos in Time", which I thought was very ironic and funny! I hope this made everyone laugh and get ready for the next real Pikario adventure, coming out... SOMETIME IN JANUARY, MAYBE! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAhahahahaha... Okay, I'm done. Merry Christmas, everyone. :) (Ack! Rhyme! It burns!)