Sarutobi sighed. "Asuma... there is a test you must undergo, before you can sign the Summoning Contract for the Primate Clan."

"I can do it, pops," Asuma said.

The old Hokage studied his wayward son for a moment, expression declaring doubt, before shrugging.

"Eh, if you fail, you can go bug Jiraiya. SUMMONING!"

A cloud of smoke later, a large, hairy, red and slightly black figure appeared, a huge scroll under one long arm and a massive, slightly foxed book under the other.

"Ook?"

"Right, I want to sign the monkey contract!"

"EEK!"

Five minutes later, Hiruzen calmly lit his pipe. "You failed the test. That was an ape, NOT a monkey. People might call it the monkey summon, but it's primates."

Naruto sat on top of a fence, watching the world go by. It was a bit boring, but way less boring than holding buckets of water in the hallway, or being used as a taijutsu demonstration dummy in the Academy yard.

Hey! Something interesting was coming! Naruto turned his head, squinting to look into the distance. It was a heavy-set woman in some sort of chair with a roof, being carried by... a couple of cows?

Well, it took all sorts to make a world. Even weird people (of which Naruto opined that there was a very large amount indeed. /He/ was the normal one!)

As the woman and her entourage passed, a small brown creature raced out of her arms and would have shot off to freedom, if Naruto hadn't flipped himself down and caught it, upside down with his knees kinked around the top of the fence. He flipped over, then walked through the fence's gate.

"Hey, ma'am, is this yours?" Naruto asked loudly.

"My cute little Tora!" the woman shrieked. "Thank you!"

Naruto obligingly passed the little kitten to the affectionate woman - overly affectionate, as it turned out, as she squeezed it far too hard and it began squirming again.

"Oi, ou-jou-sama, not so hard, they don't like being held too hard," Naruto piped up.

The older Lady Shijimi, wife to the Daimyo of Fire Country, was perfectly happy to be called a 'young princess', in defiance of her physical age, and it gained Naruto a brief audience. "What do you mean?"

"Like this," Naruto said, taking Tora back and holding the cat gently. "See? I'm not pressing on it, and it's content to stay here. Cats don't like being held too tightly, like flowers."

"Oh!" Lady Shijimi said. "Thank you!"

"They also like being scratched gently behind their ears, like this," Naruto said, demonstrating. Tora began to purr in the Lady's arms (probably for the first time, ever.)

"Thank you! But I must get going!"

"Not a problem," Naruto said. "Erk! Here's Iruka-sensei! I need to run!"

Five years later, the Konoha Council's civilian element tried to get the Fire Lord to sign laws severely limiting the freedom and rights of jinchuuriki within Fire Country.

The notoriously fickle Fire Lord instead gave more power to Hiruzen Sarutobi when his lady wife found out who the only jinchuuriki in Fire Country was, and threatened him with no bedroom rights for a month.

A/N:

A couple of fics have the last scene of two paragraphs as excuses to initiate Exiled!Naruto fics, and the obligatory Catching Tora mission, kinda sparked an idea.

Naruto puzzled something over in his mind. There was a lot of people coming to see the Third Phase of the Chuunin Exams.

Lots of potential clients.

If there was one thing he'd learnt in his short life, it was that, with the right influence, you could do anything. Up to and including punching someone so hard they lost all their permanent teeth, and no one else doing a thing.

It seemed to him that if all your clients said that Naruto was the best ninja you had, you didn't really have much of a choice in the matter as far as ranking went, unless you didn't like the idea of receiving money.

So Naruto decided to draw on his experience with getting reactions. He knew that Komura-san's brother's band would want the exposure...

The big Tournament began with a bang. The stadium darkened, despite the sunny day, as non-ninja from the Red Blossom Bath House cast genjutsu to provide a suitably dramatic backdrop. (When you were being paid to get the likes of Hatake Kakashi off, you needed a little extra... oomph.)

Hard hitting music began to play, as Nodachi (the most recent band playing Konoha's more seedy bars) rocked hard.

Neji looked around, increasingly paranoid, as formless, faceless shadow clones swept past him, one hit per clone, driving up tension, until eventually he was sent up into the air, arriving on the ground unconscious.

Uzumaki Naruto appeared in the centre of the stadium's sands, slowly turning as he bowed to all present. "Ladies and Gentlemen, Daimyo and Kage, Uzumaki Naruto! Defeater of the pride of the Hyuuga! Ask for me by name!"

"Another one?"

The three man council (made up of Shimura Danzo, Mitokado Homura, and Utatane Koharu) had just walked into the Hokage's office and spotted a (sadly) familiar document.

Sarutobi sighed, deeply. "Yes. With two familiars, this time."

The problem was not new. Problem was the wrong word for it, actually - calling a child a problem was a sore spot for Sarutobi, who felt like half of Naruto's life had been spent calling people on doing the same thing.

"If he wanted to learn all the jutsu in the world, why for the love of little kunai could your student Orochimaru NOT learn even a simple contraception technique?" Koharu snapped, with the earthy forthrightness of an old woman.

"Well, at least the villagers are not turning on them," Homura said. "Not with the mothers there."

This time, Sarutobi snorted. "And didn't THEY get a surprise."

The women Orochimaru had had unprotected sex with had gotten a very different reception to what they had expected, when they told the impending father the 'good news'. The Sannin had bluntly told them that the collection of growing cells were not his problem, and had used that language.

The mothers of the two eldest reported that he'd then asked if they wanted to have sexual intercourse with him again (in those words). He'd evidently learnt from their responses, as the five mothers of the other children had not reported any other interactions after informing Orochimaru.

"Speaking of which, how are the children integrating?" Sarutobi asked. He didn't get as much chance as the other three of walking the streets and socialising, due to his greater workload.

"Surprisingly well," Koharu said. "They're very quick, all of them, and considering their tendency towards wiriness, surprisingly strong. Not a great deal of social tendencies, but I think their female parents are tempering that, both with genetics and with upbringing."

"The four with snake familiars are more welcome among the shinobi clans," Danzo added. Orochimaru's more... kinky couplings had involved mating snakes at the same time, and the resulting summons offspring seemed to be linked strongly to the resulting human offspring. "We may have the beginnings of a new bloodline, similar to the Inuzuka."

I'm not sure WHERE this idea came from. The bones of it is that while Jiraiya peeps on any remotely attractive woman, Orochimaru tends towards "hell with peeping from afar, I'm going to pick them up and do what nature's hormones want me to do with them."