For those of you who don't know them, here are the hot guys that will be in today's episode:
Jordan Taylor Hanson: More commonly known as Taylor Hanson. Part of the band Hanson, which consists of himself and two of his brothers. Super sexy in his leather pants. Yes, you heard me, he has been known to wear leather pants.
Chad Michael Murray: He's been in everything, from One Tree Hill (where he has appeared naked) to A Cinderella Story with Hilary Duff
Daniel Jacob Radcliffe: He plays Harry Potter in the movies, and has recently been cast in the lead role as a really hot naked guy with an erotic fixation on horses in the play Equus. COMING TO BROADWAY SOON!!!
Channing Tatum: He was in She's The Man (funniest damn movie ever) with Amanda Bynes and was also in Step Up. He's got nice abs.
Brad Pitt: If you don't know who Brad Pitt is, you're not allowed to read this fanfic because you are clearly the stupidest person ever. Seriously. Unless you live in some weird foreign country where no one has ever heard of stuff like Brangelina and Jennifer Aniston. Then you can go ahead and read.
David Krumholtz: Y'all know him. He's in the Santa Clause movies as the chief elf Bernard, and plays super genius hottie Charlie on the show NUMB3RS.
Teddy Geiger: The fabulous singing sensation. His best-known songs are For You I Will (Confidence) and These Walls. Needless to say, he's really hot.
Authoress's Note: Normally I find Speedos positively repulsive, but I think anyone can make an exception for these guys.
Perhaps not – but whatever.
Sorry if you don't like some of them – I happen to think all of them are HOT.
But unfortunately I own none of them.
So let's start this damn chapter!
Chapter Ten : As The Potato Turns, or THE RETURN OF JGPS
[ba-ba-buuuuum
(Speedos Not Included)
Sahra: OHMIGOD! I JUST HAD A FLASH OF BRILLIANTOSITY!!!!
Ryou: (sighs) Stop using the suffixes, please.
Sahra: (ignores him) OHMIGODLINESS! THIS WHOLE CHAPTER IS GOING TO BE SOOOOO COOL!!!!
Keiichiro: (dryly) That could be debatable. Are we getting my Pixi Stix back?
Ichigo: What kind of question is that?
Sahra: Keiichiro, I thought you were smarter than Ichigo – hell, I thought EVERYONE was smarter than Ichigo. But apparently, I was wrong. She bested you in a test of logic.
Ichigo: I… was RIGHT?
Masaya-ghost: Yay Ichigo!
They attempt to high-five, but Ichigo falls through him and gets a concussion and is rendered unconscious.
Masaya-ghost: Hey! I can't lift her up! Help!!!
Sahra: (ignores them) So, yeah, no, we're not getting them. This chapter is an amusing interlude that sets it apart from all other amusing interludes!!!
Pai: You mean, like, the entire story?
Sahra: (brightly) Exactly!
Lettuce: What exactly makes this so special?
Sahra: We're going to use my TIME MACHINE OF FABULOUSNESS!!!!!
Keiichiro: You have one? Great! We can go back in time and see who stole my—
Sahra: (smacks him over the head with a giant cartoon hammer before he can say another word)
Keiichiro: (is lying next to Ichigo with a matching concussion)
Masaya-ghost: WE NEED AN AMBULANCE OVER HERE!
Sahra: (ignores them again) Yeah, so we're going to go back in time to –
Pudding: Meet Houdini?
Sahra: No. Did you know he's supposedly not really dead?
Tart: Meet Willy Wonka?
Sahra: Doesn't exist, dude.
Tart: YES HE DOES! PUDDING WOULDN'T LIE TO ME!!!
Pudding: Ah heh heh…
Sahra: Anyway, no.
Zakuro: Drink beer and be merry with your Irish relatives from Ye Olden Days?
Sahra: NO – Oh, wait, you got it right. Yeah. We're goin' to Ireland, me laddies!
Lettuce: Damn.
Kish: How come we never go anywhere fun?
Mint: Or anywhere with, like, indoor plumbing?
Sahra: Aw, c'mon, don't you want to witness the potato famine firsthand?
All: NO.
Sahra: Well, pack your potato chips, 'cause here we go! (presses a magically-appeared-out-of-thin-air red button)
Zakuro: Oh God.
Lettuce: What—
FX: KASHAWHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!!!!! (bright flash of light)
Setting: Whenever the Potato Famine Was. In a house. With, y'know, windows 'n' stuff.
Random Girl: Like, ach! Who are you lads and lassies?
Ryou: Sahra, are you sure we're not in Scotland?
Sahra: Well, the only fly in the ointment is that I really don't know how the Irish speak. But I'm part Scottish anyways, so who cares! We're in Scots-Ireland for the moment, even thought they hate each other!
Random Girl: (sighs) Okay, one more time: LIKE, ACH! Who are you lads and lassies?
Zakuro: Imaginary folk from a comic book. You shouldn't be seeing us.
Pudding: YES….. WE'RE PART OF YOUR DREAMS…..
Tart: (waves arms meaningfully)
Random Girl: (blinks) Oh. Okay.
Sahra: What's your name?
Random Girl: Milly O'Farris.
Sahra: Coolio.
Random Manly Voice: MILLY! WHERE ART THOU??
Kish: Great. So we're in medieval Scots-Ireland during the potato famine, even though NONE of these things happened at the same time.
Sahra: (beams) It's a fabulous meld of centuries in one visit!
Milly: (gasps) Achmigod! It's O'Learey! Figments of my imagination, hide!
Sahra: Why?
Milly: He's my fiancée, but I don't love him!
Short(ish) Summary of the Last Few Episodes of "As The Potato Turns"
Milly O'Farris is engaged to Michael O'Learey because of her social status – her parents want them to be married. However, Milly not only dislikes him, she hates him with burning "Passions". Milly is having an affair with her longtime friend, Cail O'Donahue. "The Young and the Restless" have spent many nights planning to run away. One night they attempted to, but Michael caught them and beat Cail up severely. Thankfully the "General Hospital" was open, and Cail still has "One Life To Live", thank God. However, since this incident, Michael never lets Milly out of his sight. The only time Milly ever sees Cail is if she's in the marketplace and Cail happens to "accidentally" roll a wormy potato by her. [Except now there are no potatoes. Now "The Guiding Light" has shown Cail the way, and he's out for revenge against Michael O'Learey!
Milly: (finishing) …so I don't know if I'll ever see Cail again, even though I love him!
Sahra: Wow.
Lettuce: Do you realize that that story took all of two seconds? Michael still hasn't come in.
Milly: ACHMIGOD! Figments of my imagination that I've confided my tragic tale of woe to, hide!
Cast: (hides behind abnormally large armchair that did not exist in this time period prior to the authoress making it up and adding yet another century to the mix)
Michael: (enters) (looks really hot… IDK picture your ideal hot buff guy in his place, like a hotter and buffer version of Channing Tatum, if such a thing was possible) MILLY! I swear I heard you talking to that scurvy cur Cail O'Donahue!
Mint: (whispering) So, like, is he a pirate or what?
Sahra: (whispers) No, I really just felt like making him say that. (shrugs)
Mint: (sighs) (seems to realize something and opens her eyes wide) Hey. We left Ichigo, Keiichiro and Masaya-ghost behind, didn't we?
Sahra: (nods happily) (rubs hands together in the manner of an evil genius) Yessss… now there is no one to interfere with my fun…
Milly: (kicks abnormally large armchair) No, Michael! I swear! Cail hasn't seen the inside of this house for many moons now!
Ryou: (whispering) Sahra, WTF is happening now?
Sahra: (whispering) She's speaking like a Native American now…. Or, y'know, like they did in the really crap John Wayne movies. But I dunno why. It's just fun messing with this stuff.
Milly: (kicks abnormally large armchair really hard so it flies back against the wall)
Cast: (SQUISHED!)
Sahra: Hay, tis int s'psed ta hapon! Nly I cn sksh peepl[Translation: Hey, this isn't supposed to happen! Only I can squish people! (crampily waves her magic spork)
Armchair: (ricochets off against the opposite wall and settles back in its proper place)
Sahra: (sighs comfortably) There.
Michael: AIYEE! This place be haunted! Milly, come fly with me on my magic dragon-horse and we can get away from this here potato-less place, foshizzle!
TMM Characters: (all look at Sahra) WHAT??
Sahra: (beams) How cool! Michael is a psychotic ghetto maniac! With a dragon-horse!
Milly: No, Michael, this house isn't haunted!
Michael: (raises eyebrows) Did you not just see the flying chair?
Milly: Well, um, it flew, see, 'cause—
Sahra: (leaps out from behind abnormally large armchair) BECAUSE OF ME AND MY FABULOUS MAGIC SPORK! (laughs maniacally)
Michael: (aghast) Suddenly this all makes sense! Why you haven't been seeing Cail and all that jazz! It's because you're gay, isn't it?!
Everyone Including the TMM Cast That Has Just Popped Up From Behind The Abnormally Large Armchair: WHAT???
Milly & Sahra: Um, no. (look at each other) Ew.
Sahra: Although I must compliment you on your very lovely earrings.
Milly: Thanks! I love your hair.
Sahra: Thank you!
Michael: (screaming) WHAT IN THE NAME OF GOOD QUEEN MARKO IS GOING ON????
Ryou: There's a Good Queen Marko?
Michael: Aye.
Ryou: (turns to Sahra) What is this, an alternate universe?
Sahra: Worse. You're in my mind.
All: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!
Sahra: (ponders) Where's Mel Gibson when I need him?
Mint: Mel who?
Sahra: Gibson! You know – (puts on crap accent) "They can tak our lives, but they cannae tak our freedom!"
All: (blank stare)
Sahra: (sigh) Clearly you do not know the strange wonderful beauty of being a psychotic American.
Zakuro: (to herself) Thank God…
Sahra: (singing with a glazed look) Oh Danny boy, something about pipes something something something, Danny boy, or something!
Michael: CAN SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!!!!
Kish: (shakes Sahra) Sahra! Snap out of it!
Sahra: (snaps out of it) Ah yes. Ahem. Well, I don't really know.
All: (glare)
Sahra: What? I can change this story by force of whim alone! For instance… (waves magic spork)
FX: POOF! (large cloud of sparkly poofy dust)
The large cloud of sparkly poofy dust clears, and…
Ryou: JGPS! OHMYGOD!
For indeed, the JGPS is sitting in the middle of a tiny house, even though it's like totally huge and I really don't know how that works out but whatever. The house it tiny, the strange mechanical shark is huge.
Milly & Michael: (freaked out)
Sahra: (giggles) And now for the piece de resistance--! (waves spork)
FX: POOF! (large pink poofy dust cloud) (large pink poofy dust cloud clears)
Ryou: (is dressed in a leopard-print bikini and sarong and is actually wearing blue eyeshadow and has long fake nails painted pink) Like, ohmigod! Sahra, this is like totally bitchin'!
Kish: OHMYGOD! SAHRA, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?
Sahra: (coos) Aren't they so cute together? (beams)
Kish: Sahra, if I ever do anything to offend you ever again, I am so sorry. (bows to her)
Sahra: (waves hand) I don't think Mint will approve of you groveling to me.
Mint: KISHYPOO! WTF ARE YOU DOING?
Kish: (still groveling, but yells back to Mint) DO YOU SERIOUSLY WANT TO SEE ME END UP LIKE RYOU?? A GAY TRANSVESTITE WITH SOME RANDOM ANIMAL FOR A BOYFRIEND???
Sahra: (glowers) I like Ryou that way. You've pissed me off. (waves magic spork)
Kish: NO!
FX: POOF! (pink sparkly poofy cloud)
Mint: NO! KISHYPOO!
Sahra: (rubs hands together) This is gonna be good.
The pink sparkly poofy cloud disappears and reveals… Kish as a woman with huge boobs! Wearing a pink paisley bikini! Painting his – er, her – nails! Kissing a fluffy little white dog! Wearing huge sunglasses! With fake blonde hair!
Mint: K… Kish?
Strange Kishy Person: (looks down at her through sunglasses) Like, I'm sorry, lady, that you seem to be so confused. My name was Kish – my name now is Paris.
Mint: (dies of shock and disgustedness)
Kish/Paris: (ignores the dead girl and continues painting her nails) Ry-Ry! D'you want to listen to some music?
Ryou: (is suddenly wearing false eyelashes) Like, totally!
Sahra: (smoothly) Allow me, ladies.
Out of a random Boombox In The Sky comes the unmistakable sound of the smash hit single –
Avril Lavigne: HEY HEY YOU YOU! I DON'T LIKE YOUR GIRLFRIEND!
Ryou & K/P: (squeals) Like ohmigod! I love this song!
Avril: YOU'RE SO FINE I WANT YOU MINE YOU'RE SO DELISHUS!
Ryou & K/P: (do awesomely freaky dance routine with a little Thriller thrown in)
Milly: (raises hand) Um, guys? You're still in Ireland.
Sahra: Oh my damn, I totally forgot. (waves magic spork)
Time: (stops)
Sahra: (slowly eats Sloppy Joe)
Sloppy Joe: NO! Why must I be eaten?
Sahra: (doesn't answer and continues eating)
French Guy's Voice That Narrates On Spongebob: 2 HOURS LATERSahra: (waves magic spork-wand)
Everyone: (can move again)
Zakuro: (seems to know what just happened) (dryly) Hungry?
Sahra: (chirpily) Grab a Snickers!!!! (can totally do the commercials)
Milly: Oo
Michael: OO
Sahra: (wipes hands on napkin) Well, I guess now we can get on with the story. (whistles)
Random Hot-Sounding Voice: TRA-LA-LAAAAA!!!!
Milly: (gasps) I know that voice!
Michael: (growls) As do I!
Sahra: (clasps hands together) As does every teenage girl in America! And possibly in Finland.
Out of nowhere, Cail Donahue swings into this strange scene on a vine, wearing nothing but a loincloth!
Sahra: (gasps in pretend shock) (eyes as wide as humanly possible) OH MY GOD! HE'S TOTALLY A TAYLOR HANSON LOOK-ALIKE!
K/P: IN A LOINCLOTH!!!
Ryou: AND, LIKE, TOTALLY IRISHLY HOT!
Sahra: (slaps Ryou) Has Taylor Hanson ever appeared in a way that's less than stellar?
Ryou: Nope.
Sahra: So everyone gets that he's hot without you pointing it out.
Ryou: But I said he's Irishly hot. Do you know if he's Irish or not?
Sahra: …no.
Ryou: (attempts to flick hair over shoulder, but fails) Hmph.
Sahra: But I know someone who does!!! (whips out cell phone) My friend Jamie is an expert on everything Hanson related!
Jamie: (answers the phone) Hey!
Sahra: FLIPPER!!!!!!!! (points to a whale jumping out of a random lake outside the house – except whales don't live in lakes, but whatever)
Jamie: WHAT?
Sahra: Oops, sorry, Jamie. That wasn't for you. Anyway, d'you know if Tay is Irish?
Jamie: Hm….
Sahra: (puts phone on speakermode)
Everyone: (can hear Jamie typing away on her computer)
Jamie: AHA! Jordan Taylor Hanson—
Tart: (screaming) TSUNAMI!!!!!!!!!!!!
Large Wall of Water: (crashes into the house)
Sahra: (has her tsunamiproof cell phone in a death grip)
Everyone: (is washed up on some random beach)
Zakuro: What. The. Fuck. WHERE IS THERE A BEACH NEAR IRELAND??? (is totally spazzing because of all the randomness)
Lettuce: The tsunami was the lake that the whale jumped in.
Pai: The splashback.
Ryou: (points) OHMYGOD! THE TAYLOR DUDE LOST HIS LOINCLOTH!
K/P: OHMYGOD!!!!!
No, my not-so-innocent little fangirls, Cail is not naked. He is now in a Speedo.
Pai: …which doesn't exist in this time period.
Sahra: Aw, who gives a crap what century we're in? We've got a hot guy in a Speedo!
Jamie: HELLO? IS ANYONE THERE?
Sahra: Oh, Jamie, hi. Sorry, I got caught in a tsunami. You were saying?
Jamie: That you are the weirdest person ever.
Sahra: No, about Tay.
Jamie: Oh. Jordan Taylor Hanson –
K/P: OHMYGOD! IT'S CHAD MICHAEL MURRAY AND DAN RADCLIFFE!!!!
The Guys: (are also wearing Speedos)
Sahra: (nearly faints) It's like heaven or something.
Jamie: (annoyed) Can I finish my sentence now?
Sahra: If there aren't any more interruptions.
Jamie: Okay. Jordan Taylor Hanson –
Ryou: (points) EHMIGOD! IT'S CHANNING TATUM AND BRAD PITT!!!
These fabulous hotties also happen to be sporting Speedos.
All The Girls [and K/P and Ryou: (MAJOR STARING)
Sahra: I think I might swoon…
K/P: OHMYGOD! IT'S TOTALLY TEDDY GEIGER IN A SPEEDO!
Sahra: (stares) You'd think someone with skin as fair as his would burn.
Jamie: (screaming into the phone) OHMYGOD CAN I PLEASE FINISH MY GODDAMN SENTENCE WITHOUT YOUR FRIGGIN' RANDOMNESS GETTING IN THE WAY??
Sahra: (rubs ear) Fine, sheesh, go ahead.
Jamie: Thank you. Jordan Taylor Hanson –
Sahra: (cheerfully) – brought sexy back?
Jamie: No, sexy never left him. And I am seriously going to hang up this phone if you don't shut up.
Sahra: Fine.
Jamie: Ahem. Jordan Taylor Hanson is not Irish. He is, in fact, very hot and Dutch.
Sahra: Damn. (hands Ryou five bucks)
Jamie: Why'd you want to know?
Sahra: Just 'cause. Thanks, Jam. Talk to you later chickie love ya byeas! (hangs up phone)
Jamie: (hears dial tone) Screw you, using my fabulous knowledge of Hanson to your advantage. (hangs up) (does not appear in the rest of the chapter)
Sahra: (singing) Hey there Delilah, what's it like in New York City, I'm a thousand miles away but tonight you look so pretty, yes you do, Times Square can't shine as bright as you, I swear it's true
Milly: What's that you're singing?
Sahra: Huh? Oh, 'Hey There Delilah' by The Plain Whit T's.
Milly: Huh.
Sahra: Hey, y'all wanna know my personal saying at the moment?
Tart: Not really, but go ahead.
Sahra: Harry Potter has gotten hotter, so save a broomstick – ride a seeker. (smiles brightly)
Pai: (buries face in hands) Why, God, why?
Sahra: (nods seriously) Keiichiro asked that very same question. (pauses) But I really need to change that, because at the moment I'm in love with both Sevy and Harry.
Pudding: "Sevy"?
Sahra: Yeah, you know, Severus Snape.
Zakuro: Whatever. Can we please finish this chapter now? This humidity is bad for my hair.
Interestingly, by now Zak-chan has acquired this really unattractive afro-type thing on her head. Who knew her model-ness was affected by things like the weather? NOT ME, THAT'S FOR SURE.
Sahra: Sure… wait, wait, one more random outburst, okay?
Zakuro: (sighs) ONE more.
Sahra: 'Kay…. LOOK, A JEWISH ELF! (points at David Krumholtz)
David Krumholtz: (annoyed) I am not a Jewish elf!
Sahra: (wide-eyed) Suuure… that's what they all say. (stage-whispering to K/P and Ryou) He's Jewish, but he's an elf that works for Santa. How weird is that?
Ryou: Like, totally.
K/P: (eyes him) But totally allowed. Dude's hot.
Sahra: Duh. Like there are any non-hot people in my head.
Ryou: (admiringly) So true.
David Krumholtz: (sighs) (walks away)
Zakuro: (annoyed) You just had a whole random conversation, not just one random outburst. Get on with it.
Sahra: Fine, fine, fine. (to Cail) All right, go on, do your thing.
Cail: MILLY! Run away with me, my darling!
Milly: (gasps in delight) Oh, Cail! (looks at him with adoring eyes) Of course, my darling!
They Both: (do that clichéd running-through-the-meadow crap that's always in the commercials)
There Is: (romantic happy music playing in the background)
Michael: (totally shoots Cail with a gun that does not yet exist)
Cail: (falls down)
Happy Music: (comes to a screeching halt)
Everyone Except Pai, Tart and Michael: OH MY GOD! HE JUST TOTALLY SHOT THE HOTTEST GUY EVER! WHAT THE HELL????
Lettuce: (actually yelling at Sahra) YOU SAID YOU COULD CONTROL YOUR MIND!!!!
Sahra: (totally yelling back) I WAS LYING! DO YOU THINK I WANT THIS DUDE TO GET SHOT? HUH? DO YOU? (to everyone) SHE THINKS I WANT AN INTERNATIONAL POP STAR'S DEATH ON MY HANDS!!! (tearfully) HE SANG SO BEAUTIFULLY, AND HELPED THOSE POOR KIDS IN AFRICA, AND WHATNOT!!! (gasps) Jamie's gonna kill me.
K/P & Mint: QUICK! (drag Sahra into her all-powerful time machine that conveniently washed up on the beach with them)
Time Machine: (goes back in time)
Time: (slow-motion)
Bullet: (is traveling very slowly towards Cail)
K/P: NOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooo… (dives in front of Cail)
Mint: NOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooo… (dives in front of K/P and Cail)
Bullet: (totally kills K/P and Mint, but not Cail)
Time: (is normal again)
Sahra: (steps over dead bodies) Phew. Good thing I brought them along to take the bullet.
Milly and Cail: (run off into the sunset)
Michael: (accidentally shoots self in the foot)
Zakuro: (falls in love with him)
They Both: (make out)
The Rest of the Cast: WTF NOW ALL WE HAVE ARE US, A GHOST, A FREAK AND A SCREWBALL CAT! And some guy with anger management issues we barely know, but whatever…
Sahra: (cheerfully) So on to the next chapter!
All: (are transported to normal time)
A Moogle: (jumps in front of the screen)
-END OF CHAPTER-
Authoress: Sorry to all you Mint and Kish fans.
It was a whim. (sighs)
A whim that gave me a fab idea for the ending of the Caper!
It may be too late in the proceedings for you to tell what's going on, but let's just say that in the next chapter, a few more characters will meet their untimely ends. (laughs mirthlessly) MWAHAHAHA!!!!
Hope you enjoyed!