Title: Asking You - part 3 - Mal and Inara
Author: Krypton288
Summary: Three tenses, three people and three marriage proposals. (3/3)
Rating: PG
Characters: Mal and Inara
Pairing: Mal/Inara; Het
Warning: passing mention of a BDM spoiler
Spoilers/Timeline: Set post-movie, passing mention of the spoiler.
Disclaimer: I don't own Firefly.
Author's Notes: Here's the last part. Hope people have enjoyed this little series. It's amazing how long one piece will hang around, refusing to work and then one day, in the space of a few hours, all fall into place.

Part III - Mal and Inara

You'll want to marry her, but not know how to ask. The relationship won't be easy. It's not that anything in either of your lives ever has been.

Sometimes it'll seem that everything you have now is defined by what you could both manage to give then. On the bad days it'll feel like you're still back at the very beginning when your personalities brushed up against each other, rough and abrasive. It'll still come down that: everything that once was. Old barriers, old insecurities, and old arguments. Some will be surpassed, forgotten or ignored. Others won't be. You won't call her whore unless you're furious at her and she won't call you petty unless she is. Your arguments will be even worse than they were before you were together. They'll be harder and louder and often leave her in tears and you storming about Serenity in such a guilty rage that it'll set the entire crew on edge.

You'll be insecure at times and jealous, though trying not to be. You'll break yourself trying to be what you'll think she wants, and sometimes it'll be trying to be what she won't want, but mostly trying to be both at the same time.

You'll be in love, but that won't mean that either of you will change who you are for the other. She won't stop being a companion. You'll be sorely tempted to demand that she choose between her career and you, but ultimately you won't. To ask her to stop would be to ask her to change the very core of her being, you'll know that. It's what she trained to be for years of her life. It's how she's defined herself. You'll wish she wouldn't have to, but you'll understand. There are parts of your life that you'll need. You'll never be able to give up Serenity for her.

It'll hurt you every time you'll see her take a client to her bed, but it'll hurt her every time she'll watch you go out on a job that you may not come back from, so you'll suppose it's a fair trade. It'll hurt most of all to see her think that being a companion is the only way she has worth.

You'll have been in love with her for so long. Not much will change, but you'll know that you're not just in love anymore. You'll love her as well. There's a difference.

She'll be there beside you and make you feel that life really is worth living after all. You thought you had found home the moment you saw Serenity sitting there on the hill. You never thought you'd find a second home in someone's arms.

The only bed you'll sleep together in is yours. Hers may be larger and more comfortable, but it'll still be the place for her clients and neither of you will really want you there.

Sometimes your upbringing will raise its head and you'll feel a twinge of guilt at having such a relationship. It'll go against many of the morals your mother taught you, but you won't let it bother you. It's not like you haven't had this type of sinful relationship before. Though this time it won't be like that by your choice. You'd marry her if you could.

You'll watch as she plays with the children that Simon and Kaylee had and all you'll be able to think of are the children that Zoe and Wash never got to have and the children that you won't have. She's beautiful all the time, but she'll be especially so when with the children. She'll always have a nurturing spirit. Sometime you'll take her in your arms and let yourself believe for a moment that she's your wife and the child she's holding is yours and everything that's ever stood between you is gone. You'll try to avoid that. All it'll do is make you ache when you remember that it will never be true.

Unfortunately, that won't stop you from wishing. You'll want to get down on your knee and give her one of those rings that they wear in the core like Simon did for Kaylee. Or perhaps take her out for a fancy dinner like Wash and Zoe did. One thing that'll stop you is the thought that her clients - even the poorest of them - would buy her trinkets that you won't be able to afford even if you saved for a year. You'll know that she wouldn't care, but you'll want to measure up anyway.

You finally will ask her, but you won't do it fancy or proper like you'll intend. Instead you'll just breathe the words, Marry me, in her ear as she sits on the bed beside you. She'll give you a small, poignant smile that will mean both 'yes' and 'no' at the same time. Marriage won't be something you'll be able to have with her because it won't be something she'll be able to have at all. Instead, she'll draw you up into her arms and hold you so close that you could be one being for all the distance that will be between you.

Despite the differences between the two of you, you'll both be used to living in a world where you must live with what you have, what you can get and what you can afford to give.

This will have to be enough. And despite the moments when you'll want more, this will be enough.

Fin

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