Title: Out of Jealousy

Rating: PG... may go to PG-13 in later chapters gasp!

Warnings: some language, extreme denial of slashy thoughts...

Disclaimer: It's that awesomely rich lady's.

Eh... this isjust a little sum'n sum'nI wrote a while agowhilst having writers block on my other, far more angsty S/R story 'To Be'(shameless plug)I dunno. It seems to have the potential to get rather interesting. I guess we'll see. On a completely unrelated note, anyone want to beta for this story?

Reviews make me extremely jubilant. And they motivate me to write. Please?

Out of Jealousy

Sirius and James. Sirius and James have always been best friends. They're always the two that all the girls are after. They're always the ones getting in trouble together. They're always the ones who pull pranks by themselves, sometimes not even bothering to tell me. Peter and I are just their fan club, it seems like. Their loyal sidekicks. After all, it's always Sirius and James who are always together, always sharing everything. Peter and I just take what we can get, soak up the moments when they're separated and we finally get our chances to have a second-rate sense of belonging.

Sirius and James. Always best friends. Peter and I aren't. In truth, I don't even know how he became part of what once was our trio. I remember in first year, Sirius and James were just about ready to kill him, he got on their nerves so bad. He just kind of latched on to James and wouldn't let go. Everything James did, Peter did. He even tried out for Quidditch with James. Of course, Peter didn't make it, and still hasn't made it yet, despite his yearly efforts. I guess what happened with Peter is that James finally got used to being worshipped. It hasn't been until recently that he's began to thirst for it. And I guess somewhere along the way Sirius got used to Peter always stealing his best friend's attentions.

I worry that I'm the same as Peter. I know it's stupid and girlish of me, but I can't help it. I can't help feeling that, over the years, Sirius and James learned to tolerate me, their other doting adorer. But, I mean, what else am I supposed to think? I can't help feeling left out all the time by those two, especially when it's always Sirius and James who're writing notes in class, Sirius and James who sportingly go after the same girl, Sirius and James who, in the end, don't give a shit about anyone but eachother. It's not right. It's not right that I feel so wonderful and important when Sirius decides to hang out with me for the day when he's mad at James. I hate that I know it's probably something stupid and trivial and won't last. And I hate that right now, just by being alone with Sirius, all my jealousy and feelings of being left out have completely vanished.

My attention is suddenly diverted from my bitter musings by Sirius, who has just let out an impatient groan as he flops backwards onto the cool grass.

"What?"

"I'm bored," he whines.

"Sorry." I attempt to read again. I had been catching up on History of Magic reading from last full moon, but I kept getting distracted. I guess it's because I'm so, I don't know, infatuated, I guess, with Sirius. No. Not infatuated. Definitely not infatuated. I just... I'm just jealous is all. Of James. How close they are. Their friendship. I want so badly to be that close to someone. Well, not just someone. I guess just Sirius. Shit. I suppose that makes me for Sirius what Peter is for James. An adoring shadow.

That isn't really so, though. I'm not like Peter in that I don't want to be Sirius. I just want to be with him. With him like James is, of course. Not with him with him. That's awkward and not at all what I meant. I hate how I always stick my foot in my mouth, even just in my own thoughts.

I sneak a glance at Sirius, snatching it away as his eyes catch mine. The reading isn't going too well. I fold down the corner of my page, shutting the book.

"Done being boring?"

I laugh, probably more than is due, "Yeah." I flop down beside him. "What're you looking at?"

"Nothing anymore," he says. "Sun's bloody blinded me. All I can see are these damn spots," he waves his hands in front of his face, laughing.

I laugh again, staring up at the vivid, clear, blue sky in hopes that it would blind me too.

I feel a strange burst of nerves as he turns over to face me, propping himself up on his elbow. The sun is shining brilliantly on his deep black hair, which has fallen into his face, covering one of his strikingly blue eyes. His thick lips are slightly parted as he looks at me with his one visible, piercing eye. The overall effect is more than slightly seductive. That is, if I were a girl or something. Just taking note that it would, in fact, look seductive to one that would be susceptible to that type of thing, which I, of course, am not. Just a black and white observation.

Sirius continues to look at me, to study me. His lips keep moving slightly, almost trembling, as if he's trying to word whatever conclusion he had come to from his short study of my face. The whole while, my eyes are also glued to his, like we're both trying to figure out what that same something is behind the other's gaze. Suddenly, the corners of his mouth twitch up. It isn't long before he's completely cracking up, laying on his back again, his delicate hands covering his face, which is alive with mirth.

Although plagued by more than a tinge of embarassment, I can't help but follow suit. I hadn't even realized how incredibly awkward the situation was until he started laughing. I mean, him lying there gazing at me. Me lying there gazing right back. Who knows what he was thinking? And as for what I was thinking... we won't even go there. Just.. the sun. On his face. He's an aesthetically pleasing young man. I'm secure enough to recognize that.

"Ughh," he groans loudly, stretching his arms out above his head, his long fingers piecing through the cool grass. He sits up, "Let's do something... Go for a walk or something."

"Sure," I reply, sitting up as well.

We both stand up, brushing the grass off ourselves. "Sorry if I'm being weird."

I shake my head. I have, of course, no idea what he's talking about and certainly haven't noticed any weirdness in his demeanor as of late. I give him a puzzled glance as we begin walking, arbitrarily setting out in the direction of the lake, "Weird how?"

"I dunno... James's being an arse..."

I feel a stab of jealousy. "Sorry." I sigh, squinting at the severely bright day around me, "What'd he do?"

"He's just... being an arse. As usual." He shakes his head disapprovingly, "Lily, you know."

I nod.

"It's just ridiculous how much time they spend together. I mean, I know he really likes her and all but... I dunno. It's not like they're going to get married or anything. So she's his first 'real' girlfriend. So what? These things never last."

"Yeah."

"And... and I dunno. Of course, he's off with her today. Snuck off to Hogsmeade together."

"Yeah, he told me all about his 'grand plan' at breakfast."

"He's being an arse is what he's doing. You know, maybe it never occurred to him that we might've wanted to do something today. It's prime pranking season and he's off wooing some girl who only just recently decided not to hate him."

"Yeah, well..."

"It's just so stupid..."

"Well, look at it this way. Even if he keeps on like this, we only have two more weeks till school's out."

"Yeah."

"If he's just going to be an arse and ditch us all the time, at least you won't have to be around him. And she won't be able to be around him either—"

"No, no. See, that's just it."

"Just what?"

"My grievance against him this day."

"What?" I laugh a little at his formal wording.

Sirius shakes his head, trying to keep his tone casual, "Well, you know how I stayed with him last summer and all..."

"Yeah?"

"Apparently this summer I can't because he wants to be able to 'spend time with Lily'. Meet her family and all that..."

"Hrm," I don't know what I'm supposed to say to that, "Well, that sucks."

"Yeah. It really, really does," his voice grows mildly frantic, somewhat unhinged, "I mean, I've been asking him all year if I can stay with him, and all year he's said yes, but now, suddenly, two weeks beforehand, he says no."

We're walking along the edge of the lake, now. I stare off into the water, the rare weakness in Sirius's voice making me feel somewhat uncomfortable. What makes me feel more uncomfortable, though, is that I'm not really sure why it's there. I mean, I know he hates his family and all, but that's hardly uncommon. Maybe he's just upset at James turning it around on him like that all of the sudden.

His voice breaks as he shoves the words out, "And he knows how important it was to me!"

I look at him, frowning slightly. I've never seen him quite like this.

Sirius bends down, picking up a smooth rock from the lakeside, studying it as he rolls it around in his hand, "He just doesn't even care. All he cares about is Lily," he says bitterly. "Well, fuck her."

"Padfoot..."

"You don't understand." He grasps the rock hard in his hand, readying to throw it into the lake. "But he does. He knows, and he doesn't fucking care." The rock sinks into the water with an anticlimactic 'plop'.

We both stand there for a moment watching the small ripples fade, an uncomfortable silence growing steadily. The bright, hot day seems momentarily dim and dreary.

After a while, Sirius sighs, shrugging defeatedly, "Oh well. Nothing I can do about it."

"Why does it matter so much?" I ask delicately. "Why do you have to stay at his house?"

"I dunno. I just... like to," he shrugs again, stuffing his hands into his pockets.

"That's it?"

"My family's hell."

"I know that, but..."

"No. You don't understand. James does, though, which makes not letting me stay the most completely terrible thing a so-called 'friend' could do."

"Well... will you tell me?" At this point, I'm feeling incredibly jealous of James, that James knows this part of Sirius that I've never seen before, that he knows all about something that's apparently such a closely guarded secret.

"Eh," he thinks it over for a minute. "I dunno. They just... They've never liked me," he laughs offhandedly, pausing for a moment before continuing, "So they like to get mad at me a lot, over stupid stuff, really. It—It's stupid. It's nothing, really..."

I look at him, obviously not believing that it's nothing, "What do you mean?"

"I dunno. I don't want to talk about it."

"Alright..." I still feel jealous that he won't tell me. And ashamed. I feel ashamed that my intentions in wanting to know about Sirius's home life are so selfish.

"Let's just go back to the castle. Hopefully James'll be off somewhere snogging with Lily, and we won't have to run into them."

"Okay..."

After a long, awkward walk back up to the castle, we finally arrive in the common room. I'm sort of stuck. I really, really want to ask Sirius more, to find out what exactly is going on with him, but I really don't feel that it's my place. It's his business and he'll tell me if and when he wants to. I just have to suffer my suspense until then.

I can tell he's glad for the distraction of the walk, though. The whole way back, neither one of us said a word. I just walked along feeling rather awkward. He must've been thinking hard, because he really didn't seem very aware of his surroundings. He took a wrong turn and, had I not steered him in the right direction, would probably be wandering around the dungeons about now.

Presently, we're sitting in our usual chairs in the otherwise abandoned common room. It tends to get like this on clear, warm days. Everyone's outside being carefree and full of youthful glee, and as usual, I, for some reason, am not. I'm sitting here brooding over Sirius in the comparatively dark, cold, uninviting common room. Now, don't get me wrong, here. I'm not a brooding type of person, usually. I mean, I'd say I have more to brood over than most people, but it's inevitably the stupid, small things that get me the most worked up. But despite the fact that my cup runneth over with potential brooding topics, I don't really dwell on any of it too much. Except, of course, like I said, those stupid, small things that will probably have no effect on the big picture of my life. Like being so jealous of James. And always worrying that I'm just as wanted as Peter. It's all just in my head. And it's all completely ridiculous and trivial.

As my thoughts continue to meander, I slowly become aware that Sirius is, in fact, being weird. For starters, he's sitting in the cold, dark, uninviting common room on a beautiful, warm day when he would usually be out running amok. It's not just that, though. We've been sitting here for a few minutes now and he still hasn't said a word since he plopped down on the couch. I try to discreetly study his features in the grayish light. His eyes are closed and he's frowning slightly. His eyes flutter open. He kind of jerks in shock as his eye catches mine, "What!" he exclaims in surprise.

I laugh at his reaction, though I look away, embarrassed to be caught looking at him. I don't want him to get the wrong impression.

"That's creepy!" he laughs too as he jokingly covers his face.

"You looked like you were being angsty," the laughter continues.

"So?"

"I had to make sure."

Sirius starts laughing again.

"Well?"

"Well what?"

"Why the angst?"

Sirius looks around rather unnecessarily to make sure the common room is still empty. "Okay," he begins in a low whisper, sitting up straight, leaning forward toward me with his hands on his knees. "Here's the deal. James," he takes another insecure look around, "must be taught a lesson."

"Okay..." I can't help but grin at his air of conspiracy.

"So until he stops being an arse and realizes that I'm more important to him than some random girl, there's nothing between us!" he swoops his arm in a dramatic gesture.

I laugh. "'Us' being... you and James, right?"

"Right. So I'm just... not going to hang out with him until he re-invites me over for the summer," he sits back, folding his arms over his chest. He adds, "That twat."

"Sirius, just come stay with me for the summer. We'd have so much fun and then you could tell me everything you always tell James about, and it would be completely awesome." I, of course, don't say that. What I actually say is, "Err... Okay."

Sirius grins, "So, what do you want to do on this lovely Saturday afternoon, best friend?"

"Erm," I feel slightly dirty and used, but that still doesn't change the fact that Sirius is choosing me over James, even if it is just a stupid third-year-girl-esque ploy to make James jealous. "Isn't that kind of stupid?"

"What?"

"To hand out meaningless titles like that just to make James jealous?"

"Well, yeah. I dunno. He's just... He must be taught a lesson!"

"What's he done besides get a girlfriend and change his mind about the summer thing?" Why am I defending him? I guess that despite my desperation, I don't want to be anyone's, not even Sirius's, fake best friend.

"Erm... I guess that's just about it, really. But the summer thing... that's a big deal."

"Why?"

"It just is."

"Why do you have to stay with him?"

"I just do."

"No, I mean, why him? Couldn't you stay with me or Peter or someone?"

He pauses, considering for a moment before nodding slightly. "That's true... But it's different. James knows stuff, you know? Other people would involve too much explaining."

"What's there to know?" I feel that stabbing jealousy again.

"Nothing, really. Just... stuff. I mean, he knows me better than anyone else."

"What do you mean?"

"I can... just be myself around him." Sirius pushes his black hair out of his face, "Eh... Not really, though, I guess. With James I always have to be all cool and fun. He never lets me be boring," he laughs. "It's like, if I stop amusing him for even a minute he'll run off and find something else to do. Or someone to do, in this case—"

I laugh.

"—But he does know how things are with me, so he understands, even if he doesn't really show it."

I nod.

There's an awkward silence during which I struggle to find my confidence.

"I won't get distracted if you're boring." I kind of laugh to make it seem more offhand.

"I know. That's the good thing about you."

"What?"

"You don't require impressing."

"Hey," I laugh, "that sounded like it might not have been entirely complimentary..."

Sirius laughs too, "No, no. It was. It's just... I don't know how to say it. You're not the kind of person who'd just... You like people for who they are as a person –not... how much they amuse you. I dunno. I'm not saying that James is like that, though."

"I guess..."

"You're more of the 'true friend' type."

"And James isn't?"

"No, no, that's not what I'm saying. At all. It's just... I dunno. With you, it's like you really—"

"It's okay, Padfoot," I cut him off hastily, waving him off and laughing a little, "You don't have to get all mooshy on me." I'm not entirely sure why I did that. I guess I don't want him to feel awkward. That, and I tend to get kind of freaked out when Sirius talks about his feelings because I, then, feel the need to reciprocate by talking about my feelings. And my feelings are too... They're just one of those things that I don't bother with. I just don't ask myself questions. It really helps with brooding prevention.

Sirius joins in my awkward laughter. "Yeah. But that's what I was trying to say. I can be mushy without you thinking less of me... But now you've gone and proved me wrong," he laughs again.

I laugh again, "Well, you can go on if you want. I just... I thought maybe you... I dunno. I'm an arse."

"No," Sirius laughs, "that's James." He gasps, as if suddenly reminded of his situation. His face is overcome with a look of bitter vehemence, "I can't believe he'd do that to me..."

"I—" I stop myself, but then decide to go for it. "I still don't get it. Why's it such a big deal?"

Sirius shakes his head and his hair falls into his face. "It's just... my family. I don't like to talk about it."

I look at him, frowning slightly as I anticipate his elaboration. When it doesn't come, I nod slightly. "Okay—"

"I—" Sirius starts. We grin at having spoken at the same time. "You go."

"No, I was just... That was it. You go."

"Okay," Sirius laughs. "Well... Let's see... You know my little brother, right? Gnarly, greasy little git?"

I nod.

"Okay, well, you know how, er... I'm not trying to be mean, but just—honest... You know how no one really likes him?"

"I see him with his little Slytherin gang..."

"Yeah. No one normal likes him."

"Yeah."

"Well, at home..." Sirius pauses. "At home, it's like it's the other way around."

"What do you mean?"

"The reasons why everyone thinks he's weird here. He's a mean, arrogant, greasy little snot. And he's going to end up in bad trouble one day. See, my family likes that sort of thing."

"Weird. You've told us about that before."

"Yeah, but it's—it's worse than you know. They always--They're just bad people. And I—They just don't like me."

"I'm really sorry," I furrow my brow, "but how is that something only James knows?"

"I--I don't know," Sirius's face becomes blank for a moment.

There's another awkward silence. I sit, waiting for Sirius to continue, to give me shocking new tales of the horrors of the Black home. He sits staring ahead blankly.

I quickly try to think of things I could possibly say to end the awkwardness. Nothing comes to mind. I'm completely blank. God, I'm boring. I can't even think of one stupid thing to say and Sirius is just sitting there lost in his own world. I want him to be interested in me. Wait, no. Not 'interested'. Just... I don't know. I hate the way it sounds in my head. It makes me sound like I'm... I dunno. I just want him to treat me like I would treat him if I had the nerve. Like he couldn't get enough of me, like he wanted to always be around me, to look at me, to talk to me, to touch me, to know everything about me. Not to touch. No. That'd be unusual. And this is just... usual. I just want him to be my friend is all. I know he's already my friend, it's just that I want more than that. God. I can't say it without sounding weird. It's really not weird. It's regular.

Suddenly, the portrait-hole swings open and in step James and Lily. Lily's looking less put-off than I've ever seen her.

"Oh, hey," James calls, waving as he walks toward us.

Sirius shoots him a nasty glare before getting up and hastily making his way toward the dormitory stairway.

James looks at his retreating figure with a mixture of confusion, annoyance, and distress. He waits a few seconds before he starts in a low voice, "What's up with him today?"

I shrug.

Lily taps her foot. For some reason this catches my attention.

"Wha—I mean, he's been acting odd all day! I don't get it!" he kept his voice quiet despite his vehemence.

"I dunno."

James shook his head, "Right, well, if he comes down anytime soon, tell him I'm sorry for... for who-knows-what."

I smile and nod, picking my book up off the table and flipping it open.

"Right." He turns his attention back to Lily, "You ready to go down to lunch?"

"Sure," she answers as she starts off toward the portrait-hole.

"Later," James calls as he follows her.

Once they're gone, I frown. My heart is pounding. I feel incredibly jealous and slightly outdone. If I were James, I'd do more to set it right. I should go up to him. I can feel my body shake with each rapid beat of my heart. I sit for a moment, my eyes flickering around the room, before getting up and heading up the spiral staircase after Sirius.

I hesitate for a moment, tentatively placing my hand on the door handle before pushing it open. Sirius is sitting on his bed facing the wall, cradling one of his hands. He turns around to look at me.

"Hey," I say, walking over to him. As I get closer, I notice that his knuckles are busted and bleeding. "Ugh, what happened?" I sit down next to him, nodding at his hand.

He laughs a little, "Punched the wall..."

Right now, I kind of want to scoot away from him a little. Physical aggression frightens me. Me of all people.

"I guess I didn't really think it would actually hurt..."

I do my best to make my face exude concerned empathy.

He strokes the back of his fingers with his other hand, "Stings..."

I say nothing.

"Well?"

"Well what?"

"What'd he have to say for himself?"

"Err... nothing, really. He said he didn't know what he did."

"Did you tell him?" Sirius asks urgently. I honestly can't tell what his preferred answer would be.

"No." I look to him for reassurance. "I didn't think it was my place."

He nods.

There's an uneasy silence. By now, I've got over my initial repulsion at Sirius's violent outburst. "Here, let me see your hand." I'm not really sure what I'm going to do with it.

Sirius holds out his hand.

I take his hand lightly in mine, holding it up even with my eyes. His hands are warm. "God, Padfoot, how hard did you punch that wall?" All four of his knuckles are scuffed, raw, and bleeding.

"I dunno," he laughs. "Pretty hard, I guess."

I keep holding his hand in front of my face, studying it unnecessarily. "Err, do you wanna go to the Hospital Wing or something? I bet they could heal it up for you..." I look over at him, extremely aware that his fingers were pressing against the back of my hand, but unwilling to acknowledge it.

"Not really. I'll be okay." Now he's looking back at me. This is definitely awkward. I wish he'd pull his hand away.

"Okay..." I look back to his hand to make it seem like there's a practical reason for it still being held up to my face.

There's a very long pause in which Sirius looks around the room. "God..."

I suddenly release his hand.

He pulls it back safely into his lap. "I can't believe we only have two weeks..."

Just writing that makes me feel awkward x.x;;

It seems like this could progress a number of different ways. What do you guys think? Is it okay? Does it suck royal ass? Please review and let me know, either way!