Hello!

Well, here I am. Part of you is probably surprised to see me, and part of you is not, I think. The part of you that is surprised is thinking, "Why is she doing two fics at the same time? Won't that be hard?"

To answer your question, I say, "yes, it will be hard. But fear not, good citizens, for I have a plan." (And both will be updated frequently, even if one is more frequently than the other. I've been working on this one for longer and have more chapters of this one already written.)

The part of you that is not at all surprised to see me says, "Well, I am not at all surprised. She's so obsessed with musicals, it was only a matter of time before she put one up!"

And to that I say, "yes, well, you've got me there. But this is more than just a few songs thrown together. This is HOUSE: THE MUSICAL! It is not what you expect (hence the summary.) Also, obsessed is a highly overused word. I much prefer, "a strong liking towards them." I mean, I don't worship Cole Porter or anything.

This story, like Vacation, starts out with Cuddy beckoning the ducklings and the mother into her office. I just need some traction to start the story out on, and that gives me the traction I need. So don't bitch at me about it, even though I know you weren't even dreaming of doing that : )

Anyways, enjoy!

…And on with the show…

Dr. Lisa Cuddy scrambled down the hallway, trying to keep her footing. Now, if you know Dr. Cuddy, you know she does NOT scramble. She just doesn't. She's always very poised and collected. But the janitor had just mopped the floor and the water was all over the place, and of course, he had forgotten to put up the Watch Your Step signs. So, let me tell you, Lisa Cuddy had not watched her step.

Dr. Robert Chase was, however, enjoying a café latte in the break room, and reading a rather interesting and rather graphing piece in a medicine journal about breast cancer. He took a sip of his coffee and saw Lisa Cuddy on the other side of the break room window/wall, slip in her three-inch heels and fall on her butt with a little gasp. He suppressed a laugh and rushed to the door, being wary of the hallway, because he had seen seven other people fall on their ass that day on that hallway in the last hour and he was convinced it was cursed.

"Dr. Cuddy?"

"Help me up!"

"Oh," he said, sidestepping out in the hallway, avoiding the soapy puddles. Chase grasped both of Cuddy's hands and pulled her up. He noticed he was at a perfect angel to see up her dress, because he was in front of her and her knees were curled up to her chest. But did he?

Yes.

But only for a second, because he knew she'd notice.

Chase pulled as hard as he could and pulled Cuddy to her feet- and beyond. She fell against him, and Chase noticed he was at the perfect angel to see down her blouse. And did he? Of course.

Boy, was he going to have a lot to tell Foreman and Cameron. Well, just Foreman probably, Cameron would just make vomiting noises through the whole thing and ruin it.

Chase pushed Cuddy back up to the upright position. Cuddy laughed and said, "Alright, that's enough. I was just dropping by to tell you that I need you in Conference Room A." She looked around her feet at the floor. "Although, apparently, I don't see how were going to move without breaking every single bone in our bodies."

Just then, Cameron rounded the corner behind Chase. Chase made a little wave at Cameron, and she nodded in acknowledgement. "Chase."

Then, she saw Cuddy. "Dr. Cuddy? Why are you two standing so close together? Are you…."

Cuddy glanced at Chase. "Us? No! Cameron!" She exclaimed, frowning. "I just wanted to ask Dr. Chase, and you, that I need you in an emergency meeting in Conference Room A."

Cameron breathed in relief. "Oh! Oh, thank god. Alright," she started walking over to them.

"No!" They both shouted, but it was too late. Cameron had just enough momentum to make her slide, and it was a rather amazing domino effect to anyone who may have been watching. Cuddy, who was now on the floor for the second time, huffed a little and closed her knees. She was going to be late. And she hated being late.

(I just found out recently that the line across the page doesn't show up on the web.)

Fifteen minutes later, Conference Room A's door opened and Cuddy stalked in, followed by Cameron and Chase who both entered very modestly.

"Where have you guys been?" House asked. Cuddy just stalked over to where her binder lay and flipped through pages while Chase and Cuddy sat down in the swivel chairs.

Chase nodded over at Cuddy and looked at House. "She's a little pissed about being late," he whispered.

House nodded over at Cuddy and looked at Chase, mockingly. "Thanks, Sherlock. But where were you."

"Long story."

"Ooh, kinky." House said, leaning back in his chair. Cameron made a 'tut' sound with a disgusted look on her face and Chase just blushed and looked over at Foreman, who was resisting the urge to spin around in his chair.

"Cuddy, can we please get on with this?" Whined House. "My show's on in twenty minutes, and I just don't know what I'll do if Greenlee dies."

"You changed soaps?" Cameron said, perking up.

"Oh, I still watch General," House said, scratching his chin. "But the women are much less slutty on All My Kids." House thought for a minute. "On second though, maybe that's not such a good thing."

Cuddy, who had stood up, raised her hand like a traffic officer to stop them. "Enough," she said. House guessed she had given up on using her indoor-voice today.

She winced as she planned her words. "Now, this is going to seem…odd," she began. Good opening, she thought to herself.

"…And that's because it is. I mean, when I first read the memo, I thought the receptionist had gone crazy." Cuddy laughed a bit at herself, egging them on to laugh with her, but all she got was deer-in-headlights. Except for House, who was trying really hard to pull a Karate-Kid and stab a fly with a pencil.

Cuddy glared at him, but moved on. "…But I spoke with them and this was true. See, when Vogler was still with us- may he burn in hell- he decided that a good way to raise money for research was to…put on a little show. A play, if you will." She moved from the foot of the table to the dry-erase board mounted on the wall, winced again and uncapped a marker. "For kids, mainly. All of the sick children. It's a benefit, I guess." Cuddy stopped to take a breath. She was so not ready to tell them what she had to tell them, and she knew they were so not ready and wanting to hear it.

"So, this show. Play. Thing," she corrected herself. "All of the different sections of the hospital have different tasks in putting up this…thing. Cancer is doing set, nurses are properties and scenery, Radiology is lights and sound, and so forth…."

"So what do we get to do?" Cameron asked. She was mildly excited about this. After all, she had never worked in anything dramatic before.

Cuddy laughed nervously. "Yes, well, that's what I'm trying to tell you here." Wince. "Vogler…he kinda, sorta…he…well, you know he and House were having issues," wince. …and…hemadeyouallthedramatists!" Very big wince.

Dead silence in the peanut gallery. She guessed they hadn't heard what she had said.

"You're the dramatists," she explained, putting emphasis on the word. "Dramatists. You know, the actors?"

House leaped up, and then sat back down because leaping and crippled legs didn't mix well. "What?

"Hell no!" Chase shouted.

"I don't think…" Foreman trailed off, but Cameron remained silent.

"Hush!" Cuddy shouted above all of them. "You have NO CHOICE. It wasn't my idea, I told you. And I tried to switch you, I really did, but…"

"Couldn't Cancer have dramatists?" Yelled House. "I mean, they're the ones this benefit is really for. We don't need any money!"

"It's for the children!" Cuddy practically screamed. "Now, everyone shut up. Shutupshutupshutup. I just slipped in a puddle of water and I was late for the meeting and I have a meeting with some very important producing people for the show in thirty minutes that I'm going to be late to as well if everyone does not shut up!"

House leaned over to Cameron and whispered to her. "If she fell in water, how come she didn't melt?"

"I heard that," Cuddy said. But she didn't take the bait. Instead, took a deep, cleansing breath. "Now, what my information about this fails too specify is what play. So, I'm guessing we have to pick it ourselves." Cuddy capped and uncapped the marker with her thumb and forefinger several times before finally deciding on a different color. "Any ideas?"

No one said anything.

"Alright, I'll just…call on someone." She felt like a 5th Grade teacher. "Foreman! Foreman, do you have any ideas?"

He raised his eyebrows and shook his head. "No."

"Foreman, I know you you've heard of a play or musical before."

"You mean, besides The Wiz?"

Cuddy blinked at him for a second. "'Kay, good point. Chase, what about you?"

"The Boy From Oz," he replied.

"Smart-ass," she shot back. "But only if you're willing to be the main character," she said maliciously.

"Who's the main character in that?"

"Oh, forget it," the Aussi said, blushing.

"Cam, it's your turn," Cuddy said, ready to actually write something down. "Ideas? Please?"

"My Fair Lady?"

Cuddy clapped excitedly. "Good, good! But..."

"What?" Cameron said, hurt. "I thought it was a good idea!"

"It is! But they all have accents. Can you guys fake an English accent?"

Everybody looked at Chase, who sheepishly raised his hand. Cuddy smiled with her lips pursed and looked down. "Well, nice try. It was a good idea, really. Next idea? C'mon, we were on a roll there!"

"RENT!" House suggested. Cuddy coughed.

"Of course, House, you would want RENT. And it's a great musical yes," Cuddy said, flipping through the index in her book that contained potential shows. "So, let's see…Chase could be Mark, Foreman could be Roger…we'd have to teach him to play guitar…Oh, no, House would have to be Roger, AZT boy wonder, and Foreman could be Collins…and Chase would be Angel…" She looked up, smiling. "I hope you guys know how to stage kiss. Chase, Foreman, it says here that you're both gay, and Angle is a transsexual with HIV…As for Cameron, she's got a choice…she could ither be Maureen, the bisexual diva, Joanne, Maureen's lover, or Mimi, the junkie who falls in love with…House. Roger. Ither one. So, you guys still want to do RENT?"

"What about Into The Woods?" House suggested. House had thrown the possibility of RENT out of his head when he heard the word "stage kiss" and "Foreman and Chase."

"Ah, see, now we're getting somewhere! You're brainstorming!" Cuddy said, turning to the I's in her index. "Let's see…it says here that the cast is 27…so you guys are out-numbered by, like, 21."

"We could double up on roles," Cameron said.

"Hmm…" Cuddy said. "No, that won't work, the whole cast comes out in Finale: Act II."

"We could cut out the chorus," said Chase.

"There is no chorus."

"Oh."

"Next!"

"Oh, Hairspray," Cameron said, partly to herself. "I love that musical."

Cuddy didn't even have to look it up in her book. She just put her hands on her hips and said, "Sure! Allison, if you're up to wearing a fat suit and House is up to wearing to dressing in drag."

"A Christmas Carol," Chase said, narrowing his eyes and looking at House. "We've already got our Scrooge."

"It premiers in January, Chase," Cuddy said, annoyed.

"I've heard of that new play…musical…Wicked?" Foreman said. "What about that?"

"Oh, a classic in the making. But we're outnumbered girls to boys…it's pretty sucky how there's only one woman in your whole damned ward. Unless Allison wants to play Elphaba and Chase wants to play Glinda, the Good witch." She looked at Chase with a loving seem. "You have the hair, love."

"No, no, no," House interjected. "Now, if I'm going to act, I'm going to act with flare and style. Main character. But, no one should suggest Chicago because if you make me sing a song with the words 'razzle dazzle' in it, I'll take a hostage."

"Oh, House," Cameron said, sadly. "It's about murder. And you have so much experience with that." 'Ahah!' Cameron thought. 'Allison: 1, Greg: 0.'

Cuddy suddenly had a look on her face like she'd had an epiphany. "The Wizard of Oz!" She exclaimed. "Duh!"

"Brilliant!" Chase said.

"So, are we agreed?" Cuddy said, flushing. She would absolutely kill anyone who didn't agree. "Great! Then…Cameron, obviously, you're Dorothy. Chase…you look like a 'Cowardly Lion' to me."

Chase looked confused. "What's "The Wizard of Oz"?"

They all looked at him, horrified by what he had just asked.

"I'm sorry," House said, tugging on his ear, as if he was trying to shake whatever was in it out. "Did you just say you don't know what The Wizard of Oz is?"

Chase nodded. More horrified stares.

"Well, I know it's about Oz, I mean, I read the book." Chase looked at Cuddy with a pleading, get-me-out-of-here look. "The Emerald City, right?"

"Cripes," whispered House. He really DIDN'T know what it was about.

Cuddy shook her head hastily. "Oh, that's not a problem. We'll teach- I mean, you'll learn as we go. Rent the movie." Cuddy circled The Wizard of Oz with a red dry-erace marker. "Now, that leaves Foreman and House. Foreman, I'm assigning you the part of the Scarecrow. House, that means you're the…"

"No!" House sat bolt upright. "Don't you dare suggest…"

"It's the only part we have left," Cuddy explained.

"No! Nononono, I refuse. Make me Dorothy, make me a flying monkey, make me a munchkin, but you cannot make me the Scarecrow."

"House, just…"

"Want to know why? Because in every script or movie or book you've ever seen, Dorothy, the Lion, the Tin Man and the Scarecrow all skip down The Yellow Brick Road. Now, am I or am I not, a man who could skip?"

Everyone's eyes fell to the cane he had in his hand.

"He does make a good point," Cameron pointed out, but everyone glared at her for sticking up for House, so she shrank back into her chair.

"Yep, he's right," Cuddy announced, deflated, after she had skimmed through the index's scripts. "It says so here, in print. Damn."

House's eyes lit up. "So, does that mean I'm out of it?"

Cuddy laughed. "Ha! Hell no, buddy, no such luck. I'm making you The Wizard." Then, she smiled evilly, which meant she had something up her sleeve. "And Glinda."

"Aw, Cuddy!"

"You have to, House. If we had another girl, we'd dye her platinum blonde and call her Glinda…"

"She'd already BE platinum blond," House corrected.

Cuddy scowled. "Well, you're Glinda. A quick costume change in two places, a wig and voila! You'll be the best Glinda ever."

"I think its Ga-Linda," Cameron inquired.

"Whatever. It sounds like Glenda. We're calling her Glinda…you can call her Galinda if you want to, Allison."

"Thank you," Cameron replied. "Well, wait, then, if I'm Dorothy, who's the Wicked Witch?"

"Of the West?" Chase asked. "I've heard of her! Is she the lady with the slippers and the house?" He turned to House. "No offence, like she'd ever date you."

"None taken," House sneered. "If you've ever read the book, it mentions that she had all of her slaves in bondage."

"Children!" Cuddy yelled. "Please, could we stop with the idle chatter? We need to figure out what to do about the Witch. Cameron, could we double cast you?"

Cameron shook her head. "No, see, we're in a scene together. We just cannot double cast the Wicked Witch, it's going to be hard enough with the costume changes, let alone the make-up."

Cuddy smiled. "Cameron, if you don't mind, I'd like to direct this, thanks." She turned to Chase and House, who were still arguing. "As Cameron said, we can't double cast the witch. It'll be hard enough to switch the costumes, let alone makeup…"

Foreman piped up. "She's not green in the book." But Cuddy ignored him.

"I know!" House said. He had an idea! "Cuddy, YOU could be the witch!"

Suddenly, Cuddy felt she had been cornered, and it was suddenly very hard to breathe. "Me?"

"Did I stutter?" House asked. "You're perfect. You've got the personality down pat."

"And the hair!" Chase said, chiming in. "You've got the hair, luv," he mocked.

"Now all you have to do is work on the melting thing, and we've got ourselves a deal," House said, hi-fiving Chase.

"No, I'm the director, I have to…"

"Aw, c'mon Lisa," House said, smirking. He felt so risqué, using her first name. "Think of the children!"

Cuddy took a breath. "Now, you can't go putting words in my mouth."

"No, they fell out," House said. "I just replaced them."

Cuddy looked from Cameron, to Chase, to Foreman, to Cameron, to Foreman, and then finally at House before she cracked. "Alright! Alright. I'll be the Witch. But I'm not getting painted."

House just muttered, "like hell you aren't."

"…But we still need a Scarecrow!" Cameron said.

A smile slowly formed on House's lips. "I know a Tin Man…"

A/N: And, thus begins the new journey to a new division of House. Who can sing? Who cant? Who is the Tin Man? Will a love story unfold (durh…it's House/Cameron!)? Tune in for the next segment of HOUSE: THE MUSICAL!

Comments/ridicule are always welcome. I'm expecting some flames, so, you know, hit me with your best shot and all that.