Accidents Will Happen

By Rurouni Star

Summary: Ed is paranoid. Roy is in a good position to find out absolutely nothing. Hughes is still mystified.

Chapter 12:

It was two in the morning.

"I think I'm going crazy," Ed was mumbling from the couch in his office. "You think I'm crazy?"

Roy resisted the urge to haul Ed up to check his arm lengths again, just to assure himself that he wasn't crazy.

"I think being short is a kind of lunacy," Roy said bluntly, still waiting for the axe to fall.

There was a short silence, filled with the mind-numbing sound of too many crickets, during which time he wondered whether Ed had finally lost it and was going to attack him while no one was around to play witness. Well, at least he'd die feeling better about the whole situation.

"…so I am crazy?" Ed muttered. "I thought so."

Panic button. Break glass in case of emergency. Screw that, take a hammer to it – ring, ring, ring, ring, ring!

"Yes," Roy blurted quickly. "Because you're very short. As short as a bean, Ed. A little, tiny lima bean."

"I don't like beans," Ed said. "Or milk. Milk is disgustingly pretty. Er – pretty disgusting. That first one's Armstrong."

If there was a test for determining Ed-ness, that had been it. Apparently, Ed was… not Ed. Perhaps he was from Ishbal. They'd finally figured out that they were being spied on and sent one back.

"Short as a little ant," Roy continued desperately. "Short as a flea on an ant. A germ on a flea on an ant."

Ed laughed.

"I really did break you," Roy mumbled, shaking his head. "She's going to shoot me. Straight between the eyes."

The paperwork he'd gone to get sat in front of him, undone, while he tapped his pen on it as though it were going to get done. There was only one other person in the room, who currently wouldn't even notice if Black Hayate decided to turn him into a target, but appearances had to be kept up.

Roy sat where he was for a moment, trying to think of some way to shock Ed back to working order.

Tap. Tap.

Nothing. The only thoughts that seemed to come immediately to mind were "I'm tired" and "They've probably started a betting pool on Fullmetal's survival. Or mine."

Snore.

He glanced over at Ed again. He had cured his boredom by once again falling asleep.

You know, I think I'm technically supposed to keep him awake-

The phone rang.

Roy jumped – then, because Roy Mustang never jumped, he calmed himself, took a quick look around to see the place was still deserted, then waited a few rings. Then picked it up.

"It's two in the morning," he said.

"Actually, it's two-o-six," Hughes' voice told him, from over the line. "How is Ed?"

Roy looked at the sleeping figure on the couch. He returned his attention to the phone. "He's drooling."

"Do you think that's healthy? Does that mean something, I mean, medically…"

"I doubt it."

There was a pause.

"Was there another reason you called?" he said into the phone.

He had the impression that Hughes was scratching at his head. "Well… sort of. You remember that whole business before the concussion…"

"You solved it?" Roy asked, impressed in spite of himself.

"Oh. Ah, not so much. But I looked into Aquroya a little more, and I traced some records – the duel he was involved in was with an escaped alchemical criminal, pseudonym Psiren. Apparently, he was the one that first put her away, but she escaped on the same day…"

"I hadn't been aware of her escape. His report did mention he'd jailed her, though. You said he failed that duel."

"Right. It was right about the time she unzipped her-"

"Yes. You said."

There was another pause, while he tried to find some reasoning in this information. It didn't really seem to have much connection to Ed's current state.

"There were some rumors going around before he visited again," Hughes added. "A couple of alchemical artifacts, and some research notes were stolen…"

Roy's frown deepened. Tap tap tap.

"You think she was making something?"

"Maybe."

Tap. Tap. Tap tap.

"Would you cut it out?" Ed's slurred voice muttered. "Some of us are trying to sleep around here."

"By the way, Alicia was really excited about the time she spent with you – she said she'd like to visit again-"

Roy slammed the phone down quickly, pale in the face and hyperventilating. There were some things even State Alchemists found terrifying.

"Stop with the pen. It's not like you're going to do any paperwork anyway."

Tap. Twitch. "Make me. Shorty."

"Have it your way." Ed rolled over and closed his eyes. Roy began to desperately wonder when Hawkeye was going to get back.