The customary A/N and foreword: I've rewritten this fic (I really wondered how many times I could edit this) just because I thought I made a really lousy (understatement of the year) version the first time. Changed the point of view, too, in an attempt to be consistent and unbiased. My writing style had somewhat changed (in my opinion), and it is another excuse for me to remake the plot and develop the characters better and to make this fic more personal. Will be using more familiar names from now on and will limit the use of Japanese terms. People have complained, and lately, I complained about them myself when I read my first draft again. LOL I sincerely thank those who have reviewed and waited for updates of this fic. And it took me...more than TWO YEARS to repost! O.o I couldn't continue the old version because-you've guessed it right-I have also forgotten how I should end it. LOL Now, enjoy, people. And, yeah, disclaimers apply.
Chapter 1: I was told that the calm season is over
(Autumn)
The slight shuffle echoed in that relatively empty room as the only moving form shifted to the right then to the left of the futon for the umpteenth time that night. The heavy blanket had already been tossed to the side in her exasperation, a tangled heap that had momentarily coiled with the right long sleeve of her yukata. And on the floor was a mass of mess, a miserable clutter that ironically reflected the disarray of brittle emotions in her solitary world. A few minutes later, the figure gracelessly rolled off the mattress, and at the action the long, inky tresses that spilled on the white pillows caught a trickle of the full moon's light which managed to pierce through the only window in that room.
Like a bleak warning the digital clock on the floor announced the time in bright red and glaring numbers. Two in the morning, it said.
There were no sounds that could be heard in this dead night, not even the rhythm of shallow breathing, except perhaps that dull pulse, that steady quake of a distant drum in Daidōji Tomoyo's ears.
"Mō!" The word escaped her restless thoughts and slightly parted lips faster than she could stop herself from voicing her irritation.
What am I doing? Am I already giving up? Is this as far as I can go? Her thoughts went on miserably as her mood plummeted further like lead plunging deeper in a bare, dark well. The dimly lit room wasn't enough to stimulate her to sleep, and this frustration over her current state that plagued her thoughts and skirted at the seams of consciousness during the day was keeping her wide awake tonight. Fatigue couldn't find its way to the edges of slumber yet even when it was wearing her out.
But choosing this has been my decision. I shouldn't be complaining. I should be used to this. This was what I asked for.
And it had only been two months since that fateful day. What she was going through now was nothing compared to that dreadful life.
Wasn't it?
Tomoyo never knew this freedom could taste so sweet and bitter at the same time. The darkness was closing in on her, suffocating, and threatening to consume her whole. Things were confusing her further in these inescapable shadows.
A weak breeze faintly fluttered the gauzy curtains as this young woman looked on. Despite the biting chill she couldn't be bothered with the cold. She was either too weary to even make a movement or just apathetic to do so.
"Will I ever be alright?" She asked herself out loud, and again she surprised herself with this impulsive outburst.
The girl hadn't noticed she had started crying until a tear traced her face and slid to the corner of her mouth, the taste of saline lingering there for a moment and mixing with the flavor of her misery. Not a second later, Tomoyo, frustrated with herself all over again, was angrily rubbing her face with the back of her hand. Her face stung from that vigorous friction by her hand, and it matched the ache in her chest only for a bit. Yet with this bitterness she knew she couldn't afford self-pity nor regret. Not this time when what remained of her pride wouldn't permit it.
It's a weakness! It's stupid! I can't allow this—
"Daijōbu desu ka."
A startled gasp passed her lips as the question cut off her train of thoughts, the unlikely question pulling her out of her private conflicts.
However, the surprise dissolved somewhat quickly, and the girl's unfocused gaze lazily fell by the door where a lanky figure of a man was rooted.
She had expected to see the old dorm manager, Wei, but that deep baritone only belonged to the person who lived right across her room.
"Daijōbu desu ka Daidōji-san."
The voice was more pronounced now, and it hinted of something that Tomoyo couldn't place her finger on. Concern? She didn't think the man was capable of that emotion. Not when that stoic face of his would always mirror his general boredom and shrouded disdain.
She didn't feel obliged to answer and was tempted to feign sleep, but the indispensable courtesy won over. Though his words barely touched her, Hiiragizawa Eriol's unmoving silhouette was oddly comforting.
"Did I wake you, Hiiragizawa-san?" She finally said, realizing her mistake when she sat up. Her wispy voice would betray her disposition if she wasn't cautious enough, so she resolved to a low whisper. "Sumimasen. It was inconsiderate of me."
Somehow this young man seemed to carefully consider what to say next as he stood there frozen in the same spot for a few painful seconds. Both of them realized she hadn't answered his question.
Despite the shadows that painted the visitor's outline, Tomoyo could feel Eriol's unyielding stare, and how it almost bore holes on her head at the intensity of it. But why he stubbornly lingered there was really the least of her worries. She wished he just left her to herself.
"Nai nai. I...have been awake," came his reply, his low voice resonating in her head like flowing stream that marginally calmed the agitated monsters in her head.
Either person didn't make any more unnecessary movements even if they allowed this conversation to thrive a little.
"Sō ka," the girl allowed the comment to pass just to fill the silence. She didn't mean to sound a little grave (or maybe she did), but the air surrounding them had shifted, and the mounting awkwardness was not helping them at all. Tomoyo unconsciously started blaming Eriol about the situation. He knew nothing of her life, and this man really didn't have to barge in on her like this, not in a time when she needed saving from herself anyway.
"Forgive me, Daidōji-san. It was very rude of me to have disturbed you." Eriol executed an awkward bow and turned away just as immediately.
Tomoyo picked up on his words and why he chose to say you instead of your sleep.
"I am perfectly alright," the girl murmured to herself, stopping him from sliding the rice paper door into its place. She was convincing herself alone of course, and predictably the young man would not mention that if he had noticed it at all.
"Yokatta," he couldn't help but say, sounding reassured at some point.
"Jaa. Oyasumi nasai Hiiragizawa-san." Resolved to dismiss the man Tomoyo had abruptly rolled to the opposite side again. Her vision danced for a moment and whole body ached at the sudden effort, yet she was still able to drag the mattress back to her body. This action of trying to hide and protect herself from this intruder was not lost on Eriol.
It was already fifteen minutes past two o'clock. She had to wake up again in three hours, and just thinking that the exhausted Daidōji Tomoyo rapidly lost all feeling in her limbs and began to drift off to sleep. The curious man on her doorway and his unlikely question were easily forgotten.
"Oyasumi Daidōji-san."
She didn't hear him of course. For the first time since she left that house she hadn't dreamed about unkind hands that grabbed at her and sunless closets that kept her in for days.
Quick notes:
futon - bed made up of mattress and blanket with mat underneath; usually set on the floor
yukata - resembles a kimono, but worn as a sundress
mō - expression of exasperation
daijōbu desu ka - "Are you alright?" (I've noticed most questions in Japanese in Romaji form don't usually end with a question mark.)
-san- suffix that denotes Mr./Mrs./Ms.
sumimasen - "Pardon me." or "Excuse me."
nai - expresses negation, can be taken as "No."
sō ka - "Is that so?"
gomen nasai - "I'm sorry."
yokatta- "I'm glad."
jaa - expresses end of a topic or indication of changing a topic
oyasumi nasai - "Good night."
kisetsu wa odayaka ni owari wo tsugeta ne - "The season has ended so quietly."