Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist.

A/N: This randomly popped into my head one day… Woot, Hooker Ed! -cackles-

Warnings: Implied shounen-ai and out-of-characterness.

Of Leather and Fishnet

There's nothing worse than being embarrassed out of your frickin' mind, especially when there are so many people there to witness the horrid spectacle of you making a fool of yourself. And then to top it all off, that bastard is sitting in the corner of the room smirking a smug grin from ear-to-ear, extremely self-satisfied with being the cause of your humility.

The only thing worse than that is standing on a street corner at night, wearing hooker clothes. I suppose I'll start off by telling how I got myself into this predicament.

-

"Nii-san!" Al pleaded. Ugh, he and I were invited to some sort of costume party that Mustang was holding at the military HQ. Al was really excited about it, but I most definitely wasn't. Especially after seeing the outfit that Mustang had picked out for me. You see, the bastard made us draw names out of a hat. Whoever you pulled out, you had to decide on what outfit he or she had to wear. Lieutenant Hawkeye and the rest of the military women there were very relieved that it was I who Mustang had drawn from the hat and not them. They're so lucky.

"No, Al. I refuse to wear that," I told him bluntly.

"But Nii-san! Everyone else has to wear costumes! You have to, too!"

"Those idiots can make fools of themselves all they want, but I'm not and that's final." I turned away from him to plop down on the couch, ready to resume reading a book I was currently hooked to.

"You're… you're… You're so boring, Nii-san!" And with that, he chucked a nearby vase at my head and stormed out of the apartment.

Lucky for me, he has horrible aim. The vase slammed into the wall and shattered into thousands of tiny pieces. And guess who's going to have to clean it up? Yep. Me. Damn it all to hell.

I sighed and ignored the mess. I wanted to finish my book by the end of the night if possible, so the mess had to wait. The time ticked slowly by. Before I knew it, it was 8:30. The party should be starting by now, I thought. I glanced over to the left, the place where my costume was, neatly folded on top of the armchair. No, I told myself. I am not going to that stupid party.

But maybe Al was right. It's just a party, so there's no harm in looking a little goofy, right? You'll be more than a little goofy-looking if you actually wear that, a voice in my head pointed out.

Al said I was boring. I don't want that to be true! I argued.

Better to seem boring than to look a fool, countered the voice. Now let's go back to reading the book. I want to know what happens next.

"Screw the book!" I exclaimed as I threw the book at the wall, watching it fall to the ground where the itty bitty glass vase pieces were. "I'm going to the party. I have to do something fun once in a while."

Are you stupid! Mustang planned this! He wants you to wear that outfit! Who knows what he's going to do to you if you show up there in that!

"Good point, but I'm still going," I replied as I stood up to gather the outfit. "It's actually not that bad, y'know. I'm sure there will be people there who have to wear worse. I mean, remember the outfit Lieutenant Hawkeye picked out for the Fuhrer?"

Your outfit is much worse though. You should put this foolish idea out of your head and sit down to finish reading the book like a normal person would do.

"A normal person would want to go out and have fun," I pointed out. "And that's exactly what I'm going to do."

Ignoring the voice in my head, I picked the outfit up and walked into my room. As I dropped the various clothing articles onto the bed I began pondering how to put it on. I mentally ticked off what was there: fishnet, leather, straps -- what kind of outfit is this? I decided to try to put the shorts on first. Yes, shorts. Shorts in the middle of November. I'm going to freeze my ass off…

Whipping off my belt and getting out of my pants, I wondered if I could even fit into the shorts. They seem so… short.

Wait, the voice said.

I sighed in exasperation. "What is it now?

I think you should put the fishnet on first. That is, if you want to look right.

"Ah, yes… I suppose that would be right." I browsed through the clothing and picked out the fishnet tights.

Also, I don't think you'll be able to wear the tights or the shorts while wearing your boxers…

"Shit, you're right… Dammit."

The voice snickered. I'm sure that thong right there will work nicely though.

"What!" Lo and behold, there was the black thong lying on the pillow. "I'm… I'm not wearing that!"

Oh, goodie. I'm guessing you're not going to the party then?

I had no choice after that. I had to wear it. I couldn't let that annoying, pesky voice get the best of me. So, after slipping out of my boxers, I slipped into the thong.

Now don't you look like a fine, little whore. I can't believe you're actually doing this.

"Shut up," I mumbled as I pulled the fishnet tights up. Next, I had to wiggle into the very tight and very short black, jean shorts. After I had pulled both my shirts off, I looked through the clothes once more. I finally noticed the shirt Mustang had picked out for me, if you can even call it that.

Wow, isn't that just a wonderful looking top! You'll look so fine in it!

"I told you to shut up!" I growled. The top looked very confusing. I had no idea how to put it on first. The thing was nothing but leather straps.

Slip your arms into the holes first, dumb ass.

"Oh, of course…" I pulled the top over my head and did what the voice in my head told me to do. "Hmm…," I hmm-ed as I glanced over myself in the mirror. My chest was completely bare. The only thing that partially covered it were four leather straps that formed an 'x', meeting in the middle, and a metal circle connected the four straps. Thankfully some parts were covered, such as my shoulders and back. The "shirt" was made of a thick, black leather and was somewhat collared at the top.

Whore.

I ignored the voice again. Next came the other stuff. I slid two studded black armbands past my elbows on each arm. I then slid several silver bracelets onto my wrists. I grabbed a chocker off my bed and buckled that onto my neck. The last things I put on were the dark blue hobo-gloves, by hobo-gloves I mean gloves that have the finger part cut off, and a ring on my index finger on my right hand.

Lovely, dear. Very lovely.

I growled. That voice was getting really irritating.

Don't forget your boots and earrings.

Ugh, earrings. I hate those. Yes, my ears are pierced. Don't ask me why. I'm still trying to forget it. I put on the silver stud earrings and slid my feet into the boots. One final touch was left. I pulled off my red hair tie and let my hair fall loose around my shoulders. After brushing out the tangles, I looked into the mirror once more. My hair was a bit wavy on account of the braid but otherwise fine. The rest of me made my face blush crimson. How the hell was I supposed to leave my apartment dressed like this?

Put on your red jacket, slut, and go to the party.

"I'm not a slut!" I shouted.

Then why are you dressed as one?

I had no reply to that, so instead of answering, I put on my red jacket and left the place. Time to go to the party. I was thrilled. Not.

-

"Nii-san! You made it!" Al cheered.

I smiled sheepishly as I walked into HQ. "Yeah… Where is everyone?"

"Um, they're all in the rec. room down the hall. C'mon, let's go." I followed him but we were stopped by Mustang at the door.

"Ah, Fullmetal. Glad you could make it. Alphonse here said you weren't coming," he said.

"I changed my mind," I replied.

"Good, good. Go ahead in Alphonse, I want to have a brief chat with Edward." Al nodded and went inside. Mustang watched him go then turned to me.

"Did you wear the outfit, Fullmetal?" he asked.

"Yes…," I said grudgingly.

"Excellent. Here, let me take your jacket for you," he ordered. Why is he being so nice…? Reluctantly, I took my jacket off and gave it to him. His eyes lit up and he grinned widely. "I'll go and put your jacket in the closet. You can go inside now."

"Okay…," I replied. He walked off, snickering, and I went inside. I was ready to have a good time for once but as soon as I looked at the others I stopped dead in my tracks. They weren't wearing costumes. Everyone was dressed in normal clothing. Everyone. But me. I was the one in hooker clothes… And they were all staring… I am going to kill Mustang!

Someone's hand clapped down on my shoulder. I slowly looked up at him. It was Mustang. Mustang!

"Oh? Did I forget to tell you, Edward? We decided against wearing costumes. Only you and the Fuhrer didn't hear about it." At the mention of the Fuhrer I glanced around for him and saw him in the corner, dressed in a pink bunny suit, chatting with his secretary. 'The hell?

I gritted my teeth. "Why did you give me the outfit then?"

"Because I didn't think you'd actually wear it," he snickered softly. Everyone who was there, which was the majority of the military, had their eyes glued to me. Blood started rushing to my face.

"Nii-san! Don't worry! I'm wearing a costume, too!"

I turned my attention on him. "You are? But you don't look any different…"

"That's because I'm a robot!"

I was furious. Mustang didn't tell me about this on purpose! He wanted me to be the laughing stock of the military! Goddamn that bastard!

I immediately turned on my heel and left the building.

-

And so, this brings me to where I am now. I forgot my jacket back at HQ since Mustang had taken it from me, leaving me huddling on a street corner. I couldn't get on a bus because the driver refused to allow a hooker on board. I was pissed.

I toldja you shouldn't have went.

"Shut the hell up!" I screech, causing a few people to look my way. I start walking down the sidewalk. Maybe, if I'm lucky, I'll die of hypothermia before I reach my apartment. Then I won't have to live with this embarrassment.

"Is that you, O'Chibi-san?" I nearly stopped breathing. Of all the people to see me like this is just has to be him.

I looked over to my left at the road to see a car stopped beside me with a bewildered Envy inside.

"Leave me alone," I say as I start walking again, cheeks flushed red.

"But Chibi-san… You're alone at night on a street corner dressed in fishnet and leather, I think you ought to get in the car," he says. As if on after thought, he grins. "I'll pay you nicely."

I had no choice. I got into the car.

-

A/N: Hehe, poor Edo. I have no idea what kind of clothes a man-hooker wears so I based Ed's outfit on a fan art picture I've seen of Envy. Please review this strange, little fic of mine.