Title: What is Love?
Author: Gillian Taylor
Characters: Ninth Doctor, Rose, Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart,
Ian Chesterton, Barbara Wright, Leela, Tegan Jovanka, Peri, Ace, and
Charley Pollard
Rating: PG-13
Summary: The Doctor searches for the meaning of the word 'love.'
Spoilers: Dalek.
Notes: I blame part of this fic on my enjoyment of padawanpooh's wonderful 'Facets' story. So, I tip my hat to her. Thanks, as always, to my wonderful beta nnwest.
Chapter OneWhat use are emotions if you will not save the woman you love?
The TARDIS' hum was muted, the lights dimmed for the sake of the human inhabitant who slumbered within her walls. It was night on the timeship, yet the Doctor's mind would not rest. He sat on the floor, leaning against one of the pillars in the console room. His arms encircled his knees as he stared into the distance, playing the Dalek's words in his mind over and over again.
Save.
He wanted to protect her, keep her safe, keep her alive. The Time Lord had begun to recognise that there was little that he would not do for Rose Tyler if only to see her smile or to see her laugh. He would willingly, unhestitatingly, unerringly give his life for her. He would give his lives for her. He would have done that for any of his companions. Any one of them.
Woman.
There had been many women that had travelled with him over the years. Eventually they had all left him to seek out lives of their own, to marry, or to explore the universe. He had grieved their departure, yet why did his hearts pound in fear at the thought of Rose leaving him? Of Rose on the arm of another man, wearing his ring?
Love.
Once, long ago, he had convinced himself that giving in to emotions was a mistake. It was a petty human failing to fall in love, to make love, to bind oneself to one person always. His love, he had resolutely decided, was for the universe. Then why did his mind race with thoughts of her? Why did his breath catch every time she walked into a room? Why did he pine for her? If it was not love, what could it be? Was the Dalek right? Could he be in love with Rose Tyler?
What use are emotions if you will not save the woman you love?
What label could he give this feeling but love? He longed to talk to someone, anyone, about the turbulent emotions that collided in his mind yet he could not tell Rose. His expression grew determined as he stood, climbed the ramp to the console and deftly set the coordinates. While Rose slept, he would find his answers.
With a grinding moan, the TARDIS took flight.
The light filtered through the drawn blinds in long beams, etching patterns of shadows and light on the mahogany desk. Late afternoon was always his favorite time of day, not because it the only time that the sun entered his office but because of what it held. Late afternoon was full of promise; full of something that he could not quantify or explain. It promised release to the weary, time for rest and relaxation before the morning began the cycle anew.
The Brigadier pushed away from the desk with a drained sigh. Though he had formally retired from active duty some time ago, he still found himself called into service when something untoward happened in the world. He stood and approached the window, lifting the shades to look out on Doris' gardens. The view normally soothed him, but he felt something fundamental had changed in the universe. He did not start when he heard the cleared throat behind him, instead smiling as he turned. "Hello, Doctor."
The tall leather clad man looked startled when he named him, as if he were not expecting to be recognised. "You know it's me?"
"Of course I know it's you." Alistair held out his hand, shaking the Time Lord's hand warmly. "It doesn't matter how many times you change your skin, the eyes give you away. Well, that and the blue police box parked by my rhododendrons."
The Doctor grinned. "There is that. It's good to see you again, Brigadier. Though, do me a favour and don't tell me that I was by. Time gets a little finicky if I end up with foreknowledge of what's to come."
"Quite right. Can I offer you some tea? I'm sure Doris has some on the stove if...Oh, have I introduced you to Doris?" He recalled that he had yet to introduce him to his wife.
"Actually you have, just not yet. It'd be best if I don't meet her now, though if you understand. And no tea for me, thanks."
"Hmmm...good point." He knew better than to try and wrap his mind around the peculiarities of time travel. It tended to give him a headache. The Brigadier gestured towards one of the chairs, sitting back in his desk chair with a soft squeak. "What can I do for you, Doctor?"
He dropped his eyes for a moment, as if now that he was there he had no idea how to begin. The Doctor sighed softly as he began, "I was wondering if I could ask you a question."
"Of course." The response was immediate and heart felt. There was something bothering his old friend - something that he suspected was quite important.
"What's love?"
The former UNIT commander rocked back in his chair, his full attention now trained on the Time Lord. For the Doctor to ask that question...what could it mean? "I'm not quite sure I follow. Love in the general sense, or the romantic one?"
"Yes." There was a hint of the emotion in his eyes, an inkling of the love he was asking about.
"You know what love is, Doctor. Every time you help save this planet, every time you defeat evil, you do that out of love. It is your strongest gift, your great capacity, your love of the universe. It is the desire to protect and to cherish others. You embody love in that aspect."
That was not it. That was not what he was searching for, for that did not even begin to equate with how he felt about Rose. The Doctor's attention was drawn back to the Brigadier as he continued speaking.
"When it comes to romantic love, I can only draw on my experiences with Doris. When you meet the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with, there's nothing quite like it. For a moment, you can feel the spin of the Earth, you know that you're tumbling through space secured to this planet only by the thinest of threads that begins and ends with her. It's when you live for her and her happiness. Love is when you know that you had lived a half life without her. That's what love is, at least to me, though I'm no expert by any means."
The Time Lord shook his head. "You are an expert, Brigadier. A soldier with the soul of a poet."
"Did I answer your question?"
"In part. I need to get going. Planets to save and all that." He stood with a creak of leather, holding out his hand for the UNIT officer to take. "I'll be seeing you, Alistair."
The Brigadier took the hand and held it firmly, seeking and catching his eyes. "Doctor, if you love her you have to tell her."
"I never said..." he protested.
"You don't have to. When someone knows you as well as I do, there's little you can hide from me."
The Doctor offered him a shadow of a smile and quietly withdrew, all without confirming or denying his guess.
When the familiar wheezing groan echoed through the gardens, the Brigadier watched the TARDIS disappear into the vortex. Whoever she was, he knew that she had to be quite special to capture the hearts of his old friend. "Tell her," he repeated his words from earlier, sending the thought on temporal winds. However, he knew that there was little chance that he would ever find if the Time Lord had followed his advice.