Author: Hafthand (Ally)
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Property of FOX and Joss.
Summary: Mal takes a look at his crew and thinks of the war he lost.
A/N: Just a little look into our favourite Captain's head. Written while listening to 'Ashoken Farewell' Greatest piece of music ever. Found in The Civil War. Literary Leming did a Firefly Video to the song and when I heard it had to write this. So thanks to her for reintroducing that piece of music to me.
We lost the war. Plain and simple. Lotta folk died. Some didn't. Why I made it and the men next to me ended up dead ain't about skill. It was luck. Pure and simple. Luck decides whether you live or die in a war. You only get to pick which side. Some would say I was unlucky cause I picked the losing side. I say I am lucky cause I had the choice.
Men fight for lots of reasons: love, hate, revenge, morals, conquest, power. Me, I fought for my beliefs. Don't have much of those now. Got a ship, got a crew and that is enough for me. Don't need to believe in something that isn't there anyway. Preacher done told me the Lord looks after the righteous. Well that would mean the Lord found the Alliance stuffed full of righteousness and well that just don't sit right with the likes of me.
Zoe understands. She was there. She saw. But Zoe has made ties for herself. She went and married Wash against my orders and well…Zoe smiles now. Guess that is something. I'm happy for her. Not many came outta that Valley, and outta those that did, not many found any happiness. Smilin' fits Zoe now, she has shaped herself around it. Wash taught her how to do that. Good man, Wash. Even better pilot.
We walked outta that war with nothing but our lives, be a shame to waste it now when so many others didn't even get that chance. Kaylee sometimes smiles that sweet smile at me and looks at me like she knows I am thinkin' bout the past. I thank the God I stopped believing in that she never seen war, though travelin with us she seen her fair share of death. But death ain't the same as war.
Look at Jayne. Man seen more death than probably any of us, but when the war is brought up, he goes quiet like. He may not have fought on a side, but he's old enough to remember what times were like out on the Rim then. He never saw a battlefield but that man has fought his own share of wars. I gotta respect him for that. He should be dead by all rights. People livin a life like him don't last long. He has lasted longer than most and well we're the same that way, he, Zoe and I. The three of us should be dead. We're not though. Still alive and running while those around us have fallen.
I think Inara has seen war. Not the big one we fought, but that woman gets a look in her eyes when I talk about it that tells me she has scars of her own. Don't know if she'll ever show me them someday, don't know if I really want her to. Would mean I would have to show mine.
Simon ain't ever seen war in his life. Wouldn't know it if it came up and punched that pretty face o'his. But that boy has more courage than some of those I went to battle with. I look at the love he has for that sister of his and I know that there are things worth fightin' for in this life. Even if you lose, you still gotta fight. A man couldn't live with himself if he didn't. I see the doc watchin his sister slowly gettin better and I see the truth on his face. Man gave up everything he had to protect her. Doesn't regret it for a second.
And little River. Well River is why we fought in the gorram war in the first place. What government has the right to cut up a little girl like that? Why should I live under their rules when they don't seem to live by any themselves. Every time I look at the girl I remember why I chose what I did. I know Zoe does as well. And I think Jayne might just see the same things I do when he looks at her, and well that scares him. Scares him into doin stupid stuff, but I know my mercenary well enough to know what makes him tick. I'm thinking that little girl is gonna make Jayne more human. Think she'll make us all more human in the end.
In Serenity Valley we lost a war. In Serenity Valley I lost my faith. But now, on Serenity, I find myself reaching out again. Inviting people into my life. Slowly tearing down walls I built high and thick. Should be interesting to see where I end up. Like I told the Doc, even though we might get shot at, tracked, hunted down, and betrayed, we're still flying. And that, for now, is enough.
A/N: Hmm thoughts?
Love, Ally
'I'll be in Jayne's bunk!'