ATG fic: You are nothing without me (1/7)
Author notes: Special thanks for my sweetest beta Myr

Chapter 1
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The sensation of not feeling anything seemed so strange; there was no pain, dread, nor anger. Feeling numb and indifferent, he couldn't even sense the surprise or hurt caused by Alexander's words, "You are nothing without me."

The blue-eyed man simply looked straight into Alexander's furious gaze when his lover finished that last sentence and then walked away with no reaction at all.

How tired he was from all the pretence, jealousy and hatred surrounding him; eating his soul and rotting his heart day by day, until he barely remembered the last time he smiled or felt like himself in the company of people calling themselves a friend or lover.

He supposed it began when the love of his life gradually perished from his heart. When Hephaistion himself began to feel so alone and deserted among the crowd, when his king and his lover stood next to him but he couldn't feel love or passion between them.

Sitting on the bed in his tent, Hephaistion looked around and for the first time in many months, what he saw made an impact. He had been living in this tent, working, sleeping, and eating, but he hadn't really looked at his surroundings. The pile on his desk threatened to tilt any moment, documents demanding his attention; important manuscripts that ensured the flow of Alexander's kingdom if only they were dealt with: Plenty of maps and plans for building cities, bridges, roads or supplies of food were spread all around along with loads of mail and orders, which required instructions from their king.

Hephaistion noticed the mirror standing on the floor and went straight towards it. He barely recognized his own reflection and reached out his hand to touch his cold and rigid face. Looking at himself he saw a stranger; a thinner and darker version of who he had been, transformed by many years of traveling and fighting in the eastern land far away. His face was marked by scars and as he touched them, he realized it for the first time in many years.

Rubbing his face roughly with his coarse hand from wielding weapons, he wanted to see himself again as the young man who was full of love and passion, the man who dreamed about adventure and exploring the world that only existed in myth and tales.

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"Where are you going Hephaistion?"

The sound of Ptolemy's voice made the younger man jump from his doing. He had spent many hours trying to get some urgent work done, but now he concentrated on packing personal items for his trip. The rest of his luggage he left to his servants. They usually knew what he needed to bring along and did a better job packing them. He had to get out and make himself useful; keeping his hands and mind busy, his heart shut down. He wanted to avoid self-pitying himself and he definitely did not need to be around the royal camp and take the other officers' – his friends' - jokes of how he was finally kicked out of Alexander's bed; or that he was worthless without Alexander's favor.

That was the general opinion of why Hephaistion was amongst the king's top generals. However, after Alexander's famous words this evening, he would be ridiculed for months to come. There wasn't really any point to stick around.

"Perdiccas was attacked and injured, he needs someone to help him on that bridge. Winter is near and the work must be finished in time," Hephaistion replied as he kept on packing.

"Hephaistion!" Ptolemy pleaded, knowing the real reason behind the younger man's actions.

"Hephaistion, look at me." As he got no reaction, Ptolemy raised his voice. "Would you stop what you're doing and look at me for a second?" Incredulous, Ptolemy then grabbed Hephaistion's arm and forced him to stop walking around the tent like a maniac.

"Look at me, Hephaistion. You need to talk to him. You need to find him and sort this out. You cannot ignore it and leave like nothing happened. It will effect us all eventually."

Hephaistion cocked his face and sighed. "There is nothing to talk about, Ptolemy. I don't need to talk or sort this out. I am fine, my dear friend."

"Hephaistion... Only you do not look 'fine'. I care for you as much as I care for Alexander. You are my friend too and I see that you are hurting, you need to solve this with Alexander. He needs you and he didn't mean what he said. You of all should know he only lashes out like that if he's provoked."

"Exactly - because I do know Ptolemy, I know him more than you think and as I said, there is nothing to be solved between us. I understand him and I'm not angry with him." Looking at the blond man, he continued, "Alexander is the king and he has every right to set rules or punish those who neglect their duty. I am his general and I should know better than create a public scene." He tried to go back to packing, but Ptolemy was relentless in his search for a solution.

"No, Hephaistion. I don't believe that you feel nothing about what happened. You can lie to yourself but you cannot lie to me. Your eyes betray you as well as your face. Your hurt and disappointment radiates from your entire expression and tense behavior. Admit it and talk to him." Ptolemy shook the man, hoping to project some sense to him.

At the end, Hephaistion gave up, simply sat down on the floor, and covered his eyes with his palm.

"I'm tired Ptolemy. I am so tired of all this. I really meant it when I said that I don't feel anything, my old friend. I've felt nothing for so long, I would probably not recognize it if I suddenly did feel something." Pressing the roots of his hands into his eye sockets to prevent the unwelcoming burn, he continued, "What's wrong with me, Ptolemy? If I love him as much as I've been telling myself everyday, why can't I feel at least something when he does this to me?"

Ptolemy swallowed at the sight of Hephaistion denying himself to cry freely and cursed Alexander's temper inwardly, but he said nothing. Hephaistion's temper was not neglectable either. He just turned it inside whereas Alexander was the exact oposite.

"I do not miss his touch any longer or care how many men or women he takes to bed. I don't even think about if he doesn't love me or care for me. I'll just accept it and live with it." Finally, letting his hands fall into his lap, Hephaestion looked at Ptolemy with bright eyes that threatened to spill glossy tears, "There is nothing he does that can hurt me anymore. There is nothing in this empty heart left to be hurt. I'm afraid Ptolemy, I'm frightened that I will lose if I feel again."

Ptolemy stared at his defeated friend. He now saw how much anguish Hephaistion had paid for his life with Alexander, how long he had fought to hide what it did to him. All the pain and suffering had been buried and kept inside him for far too long and he never spoke of the impact to Alexander.

Sighing, Ptolemy sat down next to Hephaistion. "I am not you, Hephaistion. I could never understand what happens between you and Alexander. All I know is that you mean everything to him. Your soul is crumbling and it is important that he knows he's the cause. You must tell him how you feel, and both of you have to find each other again. He must help your find your heart, and if it is buried too deep inside the graveyard he built upon yours, he has to help you find it."

His words triggered the tears to spill, but still Hephaistion kept his gaze clear and direct; at least he was listening to Ptolemy.

The older man said, "I've known you and Alexander ever since you were boys and I saw how much you loved each other already then. I'm convinced that both you and Alexander still hold this love for one another in your heart. Find it, Hephaistion. Help yourself; help Alexander. If you need to rest, then go, and when you are ready, come back and talk to him. Please my good Hephaistion, I can no longer stand seeing you in such pain." Ptolemy drew Hephaistion into his embrace and whispered, "Alexander loves you dearly, and he needs you, Hephaistion, no matter what. Remember that."

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Alexander was restless all night, thinking about what had happened between Hephaistion and himself. Winching, he remembered what he said to him and how his lover reacted. He thought about what caused that fight between Hephaistion and Eumunes; afterwards, Hephaistion went straight to his tent, but Alexander hadn't heard from him since then; and although he had wished to talk to his lover, somehow he sensed it would have been unwise. Hephaistion had seemed angry and so Alexander gave him time to calm down and reason.

The king was uncomfortable having this disharmony between them. He needed to know he could go and see Hephaistion whenever he needed it and now he couldn't. They had to talk as soon as possible. To settle and reconcile matters.

Finally, he arose from his bed, finished his breakfast, and as he headed for Hephaistion's tent, he felt the tension eminating from the soldiers around the camp. Approaching Hephaistion's tent, the strangest reaction came from his soldiers and Generals, and soon he understood why as he found the tent empty stepping inside. There was no sign of his lover or his belongings. His desk was still piled with papers and maps, but most of the chests were gone that usually contained Hephaistion's clothes and personal items.

Alexander stopped breathing in shock, realizing that this could only lead to a single conclusion. Having known Hephaistion all his life, one of the most important things he had come to learn about him, he remembered too late after having hurt his friend beyond words. The only other time in his life where Hephaistion had left him without saying goodbye was when his lover had lost his father Amyntor.

This could only mean that Hephaistion believed he had lost Alexander too.

TBC