Title: To Not Be
Fandom: Bleach
Pairing: HitsuHina, sorta...
Rating: Uh...PG to be safe? There's no strong language or anything...
Warnings: Major spoilers for SS arc. And angsty.
Summary: Hinamori's thoughts as she recovers in the 4th division
Disclaimer: I am not Kubo Tite, thus I do not own Bleach. I do not own these characters. I am only borrowing them for my ownenjoyment.
She did not want to be anymore. It hurt too much. To be was to think. To think was to remember. To remember was to feel once more.
To feel once more...the strangely hot steel sliding too easily through flesh that gave way so readily to the intruder. It seemed her body was all too eager to accommodate him, just as she'd spent her years doing all she could for him.
Oh, but that wasn't the worst part. No, the blade was nothing compared to the pain of his betrayal. If any other person had been behind that sword, it would not have stung as much. That he could hurt her killed her slowly every time she remembered.
To be was to remember, and all Hinamori wanted was to forget.
To forget his betrayal. Forget how he'd strived, and succeeded, to turn her against the one that had never hurt her. The one that had done all he could to protect her. And Aizen had succeeded in turning her blade to her childhood friend.
To forget his betrayal. To forget her own.
To be was to remember the shock in icy eyes as hatred poured off her very being. In those moments she'd hated Hitsugaya, Aizen's murderer. Hated her childhood friend. Hated him for hurting Aizen...and hurting her. She couldn't operate after her captain died. She felt lost without Aizen...
...she was even more lost now.
To be...was too hard. To not be was to be free of all pain, the twisted emotions that coiled too tightly within her, filled her too full. Made every fiber of her being want to collapse down into itself. She'd never wanted to stand out, had yearned to take up as little space as possible. Now more than ever she wanted to disappear. To not be.
To be was to resent those that would not let her slip away. Every member of fourth division that came to check on her was met with the brief, ineffectual glare of resentment from brown eyes that could not shake their sadness.
Her world was in shambles around her. Her captain had betrayed them all, had joined the ranks of the Hollows and left Sereitei in a mass of confusion.
She'd fought her best friend for the sake of avenging the feigned murder of a traitor.
Her heart wrenched and fell and her eyes ran rivers of tears as that one thought refused to leave her.
To be was to hurt, and Hinamori didn't want to hurt anymore.
She wanted to not be. She wanted to fade from this and every world, to cease the painful thinking that inevitably led to even more pain. She wanted to be separate from herself. She couldn't bear her own pain.
She died a little every time she saw his pain.
Every time he came to see her--
--at least twice a day--
--and she saw the pain in his eyes, and knew that she'd put that pain there, she knew she could not bear to see it again.
And yet, every day--
--he came to see her. And she could see he was trying to ice over his pain, trying to save her from it. Knowing that, even after hurting him as she did, he still tried so hard to protect her from his pain, made it hurt even more.
To be was to know how much pain she'd caused him. To know was to hurt. To hurt...was sheer, slow agony.
She wanted to not be.