Dealing – Chapter 15
Disclaimer: Now that Josh isn't using them anymore, he really should officially give them to us. But no, I still don't own anything.
AN: I decided that another rewrite would drive me completely nuts, so I am posting this as it is despite the fact that it's still not right. Almost two years is already far, far too much time in between updates.
Super-special thanks to beachtree for going above and beyond the call of duty for beta-readers. I changed a lot after her great input, so assume that the good stuff was her idea and don't blame her for the rest.
Crossed Wires
"Talk to me Ryan, please."
Kirsten really shouldn't be allowed to look at him like that, as if her life depended on him giving in to her demand. He had known, when he had agreed to let her come pick him up, that she would want to talk, probably as long as they were sitting in the car.
But despite knowing how persistent she could be when she wanted to, he had deluded himself enough to believe that he might get away with non-committal answers, at least as long as it took him to find an answer that would satisfy Kirsten and the other Cohens waiting at home. But now, he couldn't help but remember his talk with Kirsten in the pool house.
Had it really been just this morning? She hadn't let him avoid her questions then, had somehow managed to make him actually tell her some of the things he had promised himself never to bother her with. And looking back, he realized that telling her about Julie had been the right thing to do.
No matter how much he hated having caused a rift between her and Sandy, having caused yet another fight between the couple who, before he had come to Newport, had had the most stable and loving relationship he had ever seen, no matter how much that hurt, she had been right when she said that she deserved to know what the woman she thought of as a friend had done.
He just really wished his confession hadn't meant that she lost that friend, when he knew she desperately needed her. The last thing he wanted to do was make her ongoing battle with her alcoholism any harder than it had to be. Which was why he had to get her to understand how much better she-all of them- would be off without him. Because while Sandy keeping the truth from her might have been wrong, it would never have even been an issue without him, simply because Julie wouldn't have had to take those desperate measures.
Unfortunately, it didn't seem as if Kirsten would be willing to accept his reasoning. She had guessed at his guilt over causing the fight between her and Sandy, but she had refused to let him take responsibility. And now she had apparently realized that the blame he had to take for all the things that had gone wrong in the Cohen family was the reason he needed to leave. And she wanted him to tell her about it, talk to her about everything he had done wrong and caused to happen to her and the people she loved.
Apart from really not wanting to talk about it all, he had no idea where to begin. There was too much, a seemingly endless string of bad decisions on his part, of moments in which he should have acted differently then he did, should have protected them better than he did. He didn't know if he would be able to face her after she finally realized just how much damage he had done to her beloved family.
He wasn't sure what would be worse, Kirsten realizing that they would be better off without him and sending him away, or Kirsten trying to convince him that he was wrong, out of some misplaced sense of obligation.
The first- knowing it for himself was one thing, and it made him sick whenever he thought about it to much. But looking in Kirsten's eyes, seeing her come to the realisation that coming after him had been a mistake, that the best thing she could possibly do for her family was to kick him out as soon as possible- he wasn't sure if he had the strength to actually watch that.
And the second option- Kirsten and Sandy were probably the most honourable people he had ever met, and he could very well imagine them refusing to send him away, even if they realized it would be better for them, simply because they had promised him a place to stay and would not renege on that promise. They might try once more to make him fit in with their family, and when he failed again, he would invariably end up causing even more damage. He might not be able to imagine how, but the thought of once more hurting the people to whom he owed so much was unbearable. (After all, that was his reason for leaving in the first place.) And it was a likely possibility.
Kirsten had done it just this morning when he had explained why he was to blame for what Trey had done to Marissa, and then again just now when he had tried to make her understand how horrible it was to be responsible for a fight between her and Sandy.
He wasn't sure exactly when it had happened, but somehow she had apparently decided to no longer allow him to take responsibility for his actions. It was a jarring change from the time before she had gone to Suriak, and a small part of his mind that wasn't occupied by other thoughts wondered what the people there had told her that had warped her sense of reality so badly that she couldn't accept what was clearly obvious to anyone who bothered to look.
In all honesty, he had expected the opposite when she returned. Weeks of intense therapy should have made it clear to her that all the things that had driven her to the bottle had been caused by him in one way or another. He had dreaded her return from the clinic for that very reason, not sure if he would be able to face her recriminations after everything else that had happened that summer. But instead of the confrontation he had tried to prepare himself for, she had hugged him. And started cooking. As if everything else hadn't already been strange enough.
"What else do you think is your fault?"
She had wanted to know, and no matter how badly he did not want to deal with the results this conversation would have, he owed her an honest answer.
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Kirsten could see the struggle in his eyes, read his hesitancy to answer in the clench of his jaw and the slight fidgeting of his hands. This was incredibly difficult for him, that much was obvious. But as much as she didn't want him to suffer, she needed him to answer her question. She felt as if they were finally getting somewhere, as if she had finally gotten to the bottom of what had motivated this scared little boy (and no matter if he liked to pretend otherwise, that was what he was at the moment) to run away from home and from his family.
She had been so scared at first that it had been something she had said or done, that she might have accidentally hurt him during their talk in the pool house without realizing it.
She should have known better. When Ryan got hurt, he didn't run away. He accepted the pain and went on pretending that nothing had happened. Apart from the basic self-protection and violence caused by hurt and betrayal that went so deep it was impossible to bury in his mind, Ryan hardly ever acted for his own sake, instead always putting himself in the line of fire to do what he thought was necessary to protect others. And she knew that.
It might have taken her a while to come to the realisation, probably a lot longer than necessary, but she had had a lot of time at Suriak to talk about her family and the problems they had- and more importantly the ones they hadn't – dealt with.
After Ryan had left to help Theresa in Chino, so many things had changed for them. She had become so angry, and only during her talks with her therapist had she come to understand that her anger at her two sons had come from two completely different angles.
She admitted, at least to herself, that a part of her still hadn't forgiven Seth for his temper-tantrum, for leaving her after she had just been forced to let Ryan go, and for somehow making Sandy take the hippy-parent approach.
It had taken longer for her to understand why she had been mad at Ryan at all, when all was doing was taking responsibility and helping out a girl who had been an important part of his life long before they ever got to know him. The realisation that Theresa's pregnancy had brought back issues she had never dealt with, brought complicated feelings that had come with her decision to have an abortion to the surface after years of trying to pretend nothing had ever happened was a painful one.
Coming to terms with the fact that she had somehow projected her anger over her own helplessness onto Ryan had been even worse. Seeing the boy, who was younger than she had been at the time, take responsibility the way he had, dedicating himself to making the best out of an awful situation had brought back all the doubts she had had when it had been her choice to make.
The time at Suriak had helped her to actually come to terms with her past, and letting go of her misplaced feelings towards Ryan had happened with barely any conscious thought. With that process had come a better understanding of why Ryan had done what he did. But after coming back to Newport, she had allowed herself to once more get caught up in the every day drama, and her resolution to spent more time with her son, to let him know how proud she was of him had been pushed to the side by his expulsion and her own insecurity.
And Ryan continued to make decisions about his live based on what he thought was best for others. Just like he had left for Chino to help Theresa, like he had decided not to leave on that boat out of his misplaced sense of obligation to Marissa to make up for his brothers crimes, he had run away this morning because he had thought himself to be the reason for trouble between herself and her husband and had apparently believed that the only way to fix it would be to remove himself from the equation.
And given his reaction to her question, she was now almost sure that more of that completely misplaced blame he seemed to be struggling with might have been the reason why he had wanted to leave in the first place.
She was baffled that she hadn't thought of it before. Given how strongly responsible Ryan felt for what had happened to Marissa and his constant need to take care of her, there really was no way that he would have wanted to leave Newport for himself, to escape from the situation and his then seemingly hopeless future, as she and Sandy had thought he had.
Not that the wish to escape everything hadn't played into it as well, but a wish for some time alone would have never been enough to motivate Ryan to leave behind what he thought was his to take care of. For him to go to those lengths there had to be something else, something he thought he was doing for others. And nothing was a stronger motivator for a person with a sense of responsibility as over-developed as his than guilt. How had she not realized this before?
"Ryan?"
She hated pressuring him, but if they were to ever make it through this mess, if their family was to make it out of this more or less in one piece, she needed to understand what else Ryan thought was his fault. Then maybe, with help from Sandy and Seth, she would be able to convince him that he was wrong.
And, even more important than that, together they might be able to make him understand that, even if he screwed up and something actually was his fault, that did not mean that he had to leave them. She didn't want him to ever leave again.
"Ryan, please. I want to help you, but I need you to talk to me. I promise to listen. What else do you think is your fault?"
The boy sitting by her side drew a shuddering breath, wearily closed his eyes for a second and then began to speak, his voice oddly monotone and emotionless.
"I just really think that I haven't been very good for your family."
She fought down the urge to interrupt right then and there. It was hard for him to talk about this, and she had promised to hear him out. She would have time to tell him how wrong he was later.
"I mean, I know that Seth didn't really have a lot of friends before I came to Newport and he didn't have Summer, but other than that…I didn't mean to do it, but I caused so much trouble."
He was looking at her now, apparently expecting an answer. She wasn't even sure where to start.
"All kids cause trouble sometimes. And you're a kid, even if you tend to act more responsibly than a lot of adults I know. So, some problems every now and then are expected. But right now, I honestly don't know what you are talking about. Because none of the problems you have had since you came into our family have been bad for us, for our family. It seems to me that you only ever got yourself into difficult situations- and if remember correctly, most of the time you did so trying to help or protect others."
Based on his startled expression, it was obvious he had not expected her to say that. Did he think she didn't recognize what a good friend and brother he had been over the course of the past two years?
Of course he didn't, she answered her own question. After all, it wasn't as if they had ever actually talked about any of it, since she had allowed her insecurities to keep her from taking a more active role in his life and she had instead left most of the parenting up to her husband. Her husband who, judging on everything she had learned since her return to Newport, didn't really know how to help the boy any more than she did.
"I really don't know what you mean when you say you haven't been good for our family. What do you think you did that was so horrible you had to leave?"
He was still so hesitant to speak, his trouble at the mere thought of opening up to her obvious in the way he averted her gaze, focusing instead on the hand fidgeting with the hem of his pocket. This wasn't working.
And why should it? She asked herself. Her asking for answers might be enough to make him feel obligated, but sometimes a sense of duty wasn't enough. Much more importantly, she didn't want him to talk to her merely because he thought he had to, to tell her what he thought she wanted to hear instead of what he was really thinking and feeling.
She of all people knew how difficult sharing like that actually could be. She knew the instinctive need to keep some things to herself, not to make herself vulnerable by opening up to those around her. If she wanted him to allow her insight into what was going on in his mind, the least she could do was offer him the same in return.
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"You know, you remind me a lot of myself some of the time."
Where had that come from? He had expected her to get impatient with his lack of talking, to pressure him or loose interest or…something. Definitely not this non sequitur. And he reminded Kirsten of herself? What on earth did a Chino-juvenile-delinquent have in common with a Newport born-and-raised perfect society-lady?
"Really, you do." She must have seen the scepticism in his face. "We obviously come from very different backgrounds, but I do believe that there are some things we share. I think you and I are both very protective of our families and the people we love. We are both pretty good listeners. Or well, I can be a good listener when I let myself. We're both good at balancing out the more…talkative parts of our family."
His grin at that was met with her own. She surely knew as well as he did that "talkative" was the understatement of the century when describing Sandy and Seth. Only when she turned her eyes away again did he realize that he had not protest her talking about the two Cohen-men as part of "their" family. He did consider all the Cohen's part of his, but somehow, having her include him as well was still different. Protecting the Cohens was the least he could do to repay them for everything they had done for him. But having Kirsten include him, yet again, as a part of the family …he didn't think he would ever get used to that. People like him didn't have families like the Cohens
"Unfortunately, we seem to share some of the less positive habits as well. I used to think that it was better to keep a lot of things to myself. Sometimes because I didn't think it was anyone's business, sometimes because I didn't want to burden people. I think most of the time, it was fear of what people would do with the information I gave them. Opening up- it makes you very vulnerable. Nobody wants to be hurt.
It's a little strange, that we should share that trait when our childhoods were so different. I don't know nearly as much as I should about the way you grew up, about what your family was like before things got so bad that your mother couldn't take care of you anymore. And I have no illusions about the fact that her leaving you must have hurt you beyond anything I could ever imagine.
So, I am not saying all this to belittle what you went trough by comparing us. I just think that maybe, if you understand why I sometimes kept myself so closed of, it might make it easier for you to forgive me for that, and for both of us to move forward it a healthier way."
He wanted to interrupt her here, tell her that she had done nothing that needed to be forgiven, but it was obvious that telling him whatever she had to say was important to her, so the least he could do was listen.
"My father- Caleb was not a very nurturing man. My mom tried to balance him out, but she didn't always succeed. And she never told him to change the way he treated us. I guess I kind of followed her example. I was so focused on making him love me that I let him get away with far too much. And I'm not only talking about the way he treated me.
He never accepted Sandy, Seth was never good enough for him…and I was too afraid of fighting with the only parent I had left to call him on it. And when you joined our family … I don't think I will ever fully understand why he was so hostile towards you. I think a part of it was the fact that you came from comparable backgrounds. But where he became ruthless, you stayed the loving, caring boy that you are. Maybe he couldn't take that. I'll never know. What I do know…Ryan?"
Her questioning tone was impossible to ignore, but he didn't know what to say. She must have noticed the way he tensed at the mention of her inability to ever talk to her father again, to settle whatever issues they had had. She would want to know what had caused the reaction.
"Ryan? What's wrong? Why…Does it bother you? Talking about my dad?"
No use lying. He might be good at omitting facts, but outright lying to peoples faces? He had never been good at that.
"I just… I am really sorry, about everything that happened with your father. You know that, right?" She had to. At least that much, she had to know.
"I am not sure I understand. I mean, I know that you felt sorry for my loss when my father died, but I somehow get the feeling that's not what you mean. Ryan?"
He should just try to get this over with. She might not be as comfortable with words as her husband and son, but she shared their persistency. Now that she had obviously realised how the topic was bothering him, there was no way she would let it go until she understood why.
Maybe it was better to talk about it. It would be painful, facing her after she remembered the amount of damage he had caused, but he deserved it. Better him than the Cohens getting hurt again because of something he did. When she was done making him talk, she might be willing to forget about bringing him back to Newport and concede to drop him of at the next rest stop instead.
After all, she had said herself that the need to protect the Cohen family from anything that might harm it was something they had in common. If she let him go, he wouldn't have to feel bad about leaving, because he had actually managed what everyone else in his family hadn't and given an explanation instead of simply taking off. And she could go home to her husband and son, to a family no longer burdened by him and all of his issues.
"I meant I am sorry about you loosing your father because of me. I never would have yelled at him if I had known- really, I never should have yelled at him at all. It was not my place. I am just really, really sorry."