(Too Much Information)
a Weiss Kreuz drabble by laila
Legalese: Weiss Kreuz, it's characters, indices and everything else belong to the tag team of Takehito Koyasu, Kyoko Tsuchiya and Project Weiss and a list of companies as long as my arm, including TV Tokyo, Movic and whoever it was dubbed the series in the US and should be goddamned ashamed for Youji's dialogue and the dub cast's utter inability to pronounce the name'Hidaka'. I don't have any right to this series at all. In mitigation I'm doing this for fun not profit and if anyone ever does make any money off the back of this drabble you can be double damn sure it won't be me.
Author's Notes: Written for a fic challenge community I couldn't keep up with, this drabble owes its existence to the theme 'underwear'. Being the insane fangirl that I am, this immediately made me think of an exchange in Kapitel episode 3, 'Paradies', in which Maki finds out Youji's name by reading it in the waistband of his briefs. At first I thought well, he lives with three other guys, it's not surprising. Then I got this theme challenge and decided, what if it isn't? What if it's just 100 percent natural insanity? And, in that case, what would the others think if they found out? Et voila – one drabble. First-person Ken, just in case it wasn't obvious.
Youji Kudou writes his name in his underpants.
I found this out for one reason and one reason only; the guy left his washing in the machine, again. I needed to use it, again. So I dragged all his stuff out, shoved it in one of the washing baskets and left it on the side. Again. Which was when I found it out. Well, what was I supposed to do, shove my stuff in on top of his? Wait for him to show up and unload it himself? It's not my fault I need to wash my clothes.
One of his pairs of briefs had turned inside out and I noticed it had stuff written inside it. I'm curious, so sue me. But come on, nobody can tell me that's not just a bit weird. I don't write things in my underwear. Who does?
Which makes me wonder, why does Youji write his name in his underwear? I mean it's not like he's still in grade school, what does he want with name tags in his boxers? Does he think one of us is going to steal them or something? Does he think someone else is going to steal them? Is there some kind of market for second-hand underwear out there? The more I think about this, the weirder it becomes. Youji's, what, twenty-one? Twenty-one year old guys do not write their names on their clothes. Well? okay, so maybe Aya would, but...
No, not their clothes. Okay, I admit it, when I discovered he had his name in his briefs I checked the rest of his stuff. There wasn't a lot of it. I guess he has to get most of his clothes dry cleaned, the vain bastard, and he didn't have his name in his pants or his shirts or anything. Nope. Just his underpants.
Which kind of screws my first theory about why he's got his name written all over his underwear. I thought maybe he had OCD. Maybe he labeled everything... though that seems more like Aya's kind of problem if you ask me, OCD. If I'd discovered Aya had his name in his underpants I wouldn't have been surprised for more than about three point five seconds. But Youji? Youji 'I'm-so-cool-I'm-about-two-seconds-away-from-freezing-to-death' Kudou?
My new theory is maybe he's just nuts.
Scary thing is, the reason behind it's probably even weirder than anything I could dream up. Bet there's no way I could dream up an excuse for this that's even half as bizarre as the actual explanation behind it. Truth is stranger than fiction and so on. Funny, I used to think people just said that.
Which leaves me with a dilemma. I wouldn't be me if I wasn't curious about this. I want to know, shit, I need to know what in the freaking Hell Youji writes his name in his underwear for. Logically that means I go ask him. Too bad I can imagine how he'd react if I asked him why he's bothered doing that. I can just hear him asking something stupid like, why were you looking at my underwear, Ken? And he'd grin like I'd done it deliberately. He'd treat me like I was some kind of freaking underwear-fixated pervert for needing to get my clothes washed, God damn it. It's not like I wanted it to be muddy out there, is it?
I guess I'll never know why he does it. I can't ask him. I can't even imagine asking him, for all I can imagine how he'd react. Why does it feel like I've accidentally discovered some little perversion of Youji's? It feels kind of like I've stumbled on one of his dirty little secrets. Really, I would have been happier to discover his porn stash, or some kind of leather Dom outfit stashed among his washing. Or to discover that he wore ladies' underwear or something. I mean that'd be pretty weird, but it'd be understandably weird. This, though... this is more your classic weird weird of the 'Holy shit that's just plain wrong' school, and that's really not good.
I'm never going to be able to see that guy the same way again. How am I supposed to be able to look at Youji lounging round in the store, trying to be deeply languid and cool, with that fan club of his fawning all over him, without remembering that he's wandering around the place with his goddamn name written all over his underpants...
I can't do it. I'll go red, or start laughing, or both.
Worse, like it could get worse, that's just Youji in the shop. Youji's a grown-up assassin. Hell, he is an assassin, period. Youji Kudou goes out killing people with his name written in his—
Oh my God.
Really. Oh my God.
There are no words to describe how wrong this is.
Youji – Youji, for God's sake – has his name in his underwear. On little labels reading 'Youji Kudou'. Like the name plates kids stick in books, or a personalized pencil, or a sports kit. That was the last bit of clothing I had my name in. Okay. On. My soccer kit. And that at least makes sense, sewing your name in sports kit. Everyone's sports kit looks the same, well pretty much, but underwear? Youji must sit there every time he gets a new pair of briefs or whatever and sew the labels in and Mary Mother of God. I do not want to think about this any more. There are some things a guy should never have to see. Ever.
Youji has his name in his underwear.
I really don't need to know these things.
-ende-