Dumbledore Eulogy

By Jordan Teicher

Written 8/16/05

Spoken by Cornelius Fudge at Dumbledore's funeral

Witches and Wizards, Trolls and Goblins, Ghosts and Ghouls, and Hagrid. As a new age of the Wizarding World begins, the life of our dear friend Albus Dumbledore ends.

It's like I can still imagine him right now in his office, stroking his beard and eating those lemon drops. Oh boy, did we have some good times together…Sorry, I swore to myself I wasn't going to cry. Those lazy summer days, long walks on the beach, staying up all night talking by the fire…. He had such a good outlook on life, ya know? Good ol' Albus always used to say "Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!" Truer words have never been spoken. I want each and every one of you right now to think of one happy memory you have of Dumbledore in your minds. That's what he would have wanted. I know that I shall never forget Albus so neither should you!

Albus died the other night at the hands of evil. Those hands are named tyranny and oppression. One hand washes the other, and Albus was the unfortunate blob of soap that was squashed and smeared. Today we gather to rinse him off and send him down the sink drain to heaven. Every day, we must strive to keep these dirty hands clean, otherwise germs and bacteria shall spread across the land and we will all become dreadfully ill.

For you see, they cannot stand what we stand for. They do not want peace, or liberty, or justice, or freedom. They are killing killers who kill. And that's bad. I don't like that. And we've got to do something about it.

We must protect our society and secure democracy for all. Our way of life, however, is in jeopardy. Lord Voldemort, The Death Eaters, and Snape, The League of Wickedness, that's what I like to call it, love to hate, and hate loving people like us. In five years time, they'll become more evil than ever before. In 25 years, they'll have enough followers to attack us. And they will win, and we will die, every last one of us. We've got to do something about it.

Many ideas are "on the desk" right now. Some people have proposed using more dark magic. Others want to try killing more bad guys. I, personally, am open to any and all suggestions. And ya know, it's hard work. Working hard, every day…fighting evil.

Oh, I can't take it anymore! Why did you have to go Dumbledore? My world is a barren wasteland without you! I loved your little glasses and your bushy eyebrows. What I would give to see your smiling face one last time! One last dance, one last kiss under the mistletoe! Stop your sniggering Mr.Weasley!

Dear friend, loving teacher, admired administrator. You were a man of few words and yet you were a man of many words. Some things in this world are too good to be true; Albus was truly good. Every morning when I wake up, I shall think of Dumbledore and when I think of Dumbledore I shall laugh, and when I laugh I shall cry, and when I cry I shall make my bed, brush my teeth, and take a shower. I shall take a shower! Look out world, I'm coming to take a shower! For liberty, I shall rinse, for freedom, I shall lather, and for Dumbledore, I shall repeat! And you know, when my filth and those soapy suds blend together and go down the drain, they will become love, and this love will reach Dumbledore in heaven - and he will laugh.