Warning: This is the sequel to the monstrosity known as Heroes' Anonymous. Be warned.

Disclaimer: We are a group of psychotic college girls with no apparent lives. Therefore we do not have the ability to own any of the following: The Wheel of Time, Harry Potter, the Chronicles of Narnia, Star Wars, Animorphs, Lord of the Rings, A Series of Unfortunate Events, Treasure Island, His Dark Materials, Ender's Game (or any other Orson Scott Card novels), Zelda, The Never-Ending Story, The Last Unicorn, The Princess Bride, Cowboy Bebop, the Edge Chronicles, or anything else that might pop up without warning. We also claim no liability for anything that happens. Read at your own risk. We do not accept responsibility for any of the following side affects that may or may not accompany reading (because they could just as easily be blamed for something else you have done): nausea, insomnia, sexual side effects, death, high blood pressure pressure, llama bites, or hair loss.

All things considered, it was fairly okay day for a wedding. The seats were packed. Anticipation and cheesy hymn music filled the air. Bishop Dursley, Harry's uncle, nervously flipped through his speech. He only recently became bishop. Oh how he regretted the day he had let those Mormon missionaries off his doorstep and into his house! Now he had to perform a civil ceremony for two odd friends of Harry Potter. That boy just couldn't stay away long enough. The water from the ocean was getting precariously close to the wedding backdrop. They had better get this thing going, Vernon thought. Or the newly weds would be down a few hundred dollars later just replacing their ruined backdrop. Salt water was bad on silk. Peach silk looked especially bad wet. Of course, the unsightly combination of Hermione's wedding colors would probably look better wet—it was matched with fuchsia and lime green.

Colin Creevy was snapping photographs while Rita Skeeter was writing the perfect story for the Weekly World Witch News. Both of their work would be appearing in this week's cover story. After all, Harry was doing his first stint as best man. Rita began wondering if she could work the angle of secret love affair between Hermione and Rand al'Thor. Her more rational mind admitted that Rand's current ladies would never allow such a thing, but it still made for some juicy reading and good sales.

The audience was getting restless. Hermione was no doubt spending hours doing her hair and make-up and all those other horribly girly things. The Baudelaire orphans, who were using the wedding ceremony as another hiding place, were already declaring that in five minutes they would set the whole place aflame and take off. Still, it was an impressive list of guests. All of the Hero's Anonymous therapy group was there: Frodo and Susan (as a couple), Jim Hawkins, Ender Wiggins, Jake the Bunny, Edmund, Rand, Luke—with his date Lucinda the Cop. Dorcas the Childlike Empress was there with Yoda, along with the new therapist Aragorn. And he had dragged along the newest group member, Will Parry (this young lad was suffering from delusions of parallel worlds). The sidekicks were there as well, ready to support their own champion sidekick couple.

Somewhere in the background someone had already begun to sob. The wedding hadn't even started yet and already Ron's mother was bawling. As well was Moraine.

"My little girl is getting married!" she wailed.

That shut Molly up. "Your little girl? I thought she belonged to those nice dentists over there."

Moraine blushed. "Well, she is mine. It's a long story." She waved and winked seductively at Mr. Granger, who then shook his head and left to get Hermione.

Tom, who had been performing the wedding music, gasped and broke one of the strings on his harp. "Moraine? You've been out with someone besides me? I thought all you tower wenches were alone and lonely. I thought that's why I had a chance!"

"Loneliness and good vodka are not good combinations," Moraine replied with a shrug.

Tom ran off crying into the ocean where he was subsequently eaten by a rabid sea urchin.

"Hooray!" Vice Principal Nero said, running up with his violin. "Now I can perform the wedding music."

"You had better!" Ron said, already red in the face, about to pass out, and still rather hung over from the bachelor party. "Hermione demanded music at the wedding! She won't marry me without music."

Nero began to play. Constant practicing and six-hour recitals had still done nothing for talent.

Jake the Bunny rolled over and twitched violently.

Susan was furious. "This sort of music would never be allowed in Narnia! Not when I was Queen, anyway! And definitely not at my wedding! Remember that, Frodo!"

Frodo gulped and nodded. "Yes."

"Yes what?" Susan replied with a glare.

"Yes, my darling sweetiekins, empress of my heart."

Harry coughed. Ron bit his lip. "I don't think she'll marry me with that music, anyway. Does anyone know how to play an instrument besides this wonderful gentleman?"

Vice Principal Nero wasn't a wonderful gentleman much longer. Jim Hawkins lost all control and began firing a musket into Nero's vital organs. At least the blood was washed away in the incoming tide.

Unfortunately for Perin, the bullet ricocheted off Nero's ribs and went straight for Faile's brain. She gave the gentlest of screams, muttering, "Lord Luke, I will never forget you!" and proceeded to die.

"Dang it!" Ron cried. "Really, we need a new musician!"

Saruman, wearing one of those eyeglasses-and-nose disguises and looking remarkably like Dumbledore (but obviously couldn't be as Dumbledore was dead), stood up. "I've been known to play a merry tune on the organ in my time. But of course I will need an organ."

"How about that one?" Harry said, pointing at a nearby organ slowly sinking into the sand.

"That would be perfect," said Saruman, strolling over to the half-visible organ. "What a pity Albus Dumbledore isn't here to play! But he's dead. Yes, definitely dead. But he was very skilled at the organ." But Dumble—we mean, Saruman, sat down at the organ and began to play.

And finally the wedding ceremony began. Ed, the spunky child genius of bouty hunter legend, was the flower girl and thus skipped down the path of pearls and diamonds between the guests, throwing matches every which way.

"No!" screamed Jadis the White Witch. "I did not get thrown out of power by bratty British children time and time again and finally give in to the power of goodness just to see flowers not being scattered at a wedding!" She jumped into Ed's path and shoved a basket of daisies into the surprised girl's arms.

Ender checked his watch.

Ed and Jadis fought for a while, and Luna Lovegood, determined to keep the wedding peaceful, broke up the fight. "This is not the way of things!"

"No!" Dorcas cried, leaping to her feet. "We do not judge! All things, good and evil, are equal and worthy!"

"Were you ever an evil dictator?" Jadis picked the Childlike Empress as a new victim. "I didn't think so!"

"I can be downright evil!" Dorcas cried, knocking the White Witch into the silk backdrop.

Luna once again threw herself between them. "Stop! I beg of you!"

The backdrop fell on Blaise Zabini and killed him.

Everyone rejoiced.

Bishop Dursley sighed. This wasn't worth it. Four deaths in one wedding, and Hermione hadn't even appeared yet. "That's it!" He flung down his speech and walked off.

Ron was about ready to cry. Hermione would appear any moment and there was no one to perform the ceremony!

Petunia was relieved. She left her lone spot and ran into her lover, Snape's arms.

Harry was not enjoying this wedding. Why oh why did he always have to be the one to save the day? "Is anyone here allowed to perform civil marriages?"

"I am!" a voice announced. A man in clerical robes stood up. "My name is Reverend Putinesta, and I can perform civil weddings."

The crowd rejoiced once more. Except for the Baudelaire orphans, who only sighed in exasperation. "He has a VFD tattoo on his ankle!"

"How do you know?" Aragorn asked. "You can't see his ankle."

The Baudelaire Orphans muttered some apologies and sat back down. But Reverend Putinesta burst into tears. "All right! I admit it! I really am Count Olaf! And I loved you orphans all this time but I really didn't know how to show it! All the horrible disasters you've been through have only separated us that much longer, but they have made us grow strong as individuals! Can you ever forgive me! Will you just let me adopt you?"

Molly and Moraine began to cry all over again. It was all so beautiful.

Violet, Klaus, and Sunny also began to cry. They ran to Count Olaf, and all four participated in one warm group hug. Then they ran off to do wicked and despicable things.

This wedding was not going well.

A sailing ship appeared offshore. It was the Dread Pirate Roberts. Wesley and Buttercup waved from the deck. "You can borrow our priest!" they said.

Ron and Harry exchanged looks. That would work.

So Buttercup and Wesley tossed their priest overboard.

Saruman began to play the wedding march.

Ed repeated her flower girl romp down the aisle, tossing sporks this time. Then came Maugin, the Maid of Honor, looking extremely bitter. How come she had to be a bridesmaid? What was that all about? Everyone else in the world fell in love and got married except her. Everyone else had decent men who would return to them! But when she had a guy, did he stick around and attempt to rescue her from a mystical land of no escape. No, he did not. Men sucked. That's all there was to it.

Next came Fred and George carrying the ring. Actually it was Sally Peep carrying the ring. Fred and George were just staying as close as they could and holding onto her arms. All three had stupid grins on their faces. Maugin pouted. "When was the last time a man looked at me that way? And how does she deserve two? What makes her so special?" Mean while, Twig looked under the seats in the back row. "Maugin, are you there? I hear you, but I just can't find you."

Then Hermione appeared and a hush fell over the crowd. A banderbear sighed next to Twig. Hermione's sparkley dress with its own built in breeze made everyone gasp. As she drifted down the aisle everyone could smell the perfume she bought on discount at Tiffany's. She managed to pick up a gaudy diamond necklace and enormous pearl earrings as well. In fact, Hermione had picked up a lot of things at Tiffany's. It didn't matter. Ron was paying for everything because he loved her.

As she traipsed up the aisle, all of the women began to bawl. "Oh, she's so beautiful! I wish that were me!" Maugin was the only one not caught in the magic of the moment. All she could think was that she would never get the chance to be in her place. Her man was never going to come back to her.

Hermione took her place next to Ron. Her father took his place next to her mother, Moraine, and glared at Ron. The priest began his speech.

"Marwige, that is what bwings us togever today. Marwige, that bwessed awangement, that dweem wifin a dweem. Speaking of bwessed awangements, who was in charwge of dis one? Cause man, I'm tellin' my sista never to go to them!"

"Hey, did your accent just change?" Jim screamed at the priest.

"No, of cowse not."

"Yes it did, I heard it!"

"Shut up you stupid kid! Nobody asked you!"

Continuing on, the priest asked "Have you the wing?"

"Well, I was saving it for later, but yeah, here it is." Ron produced a chicken wing form his pocket.

The priest looked at it, his stomach grumbling. "Wong wing." He took it from Ron. "I'll just take this so it doesn't mess up your suit. I meant the ring. You know with the diamond, and the gold, and it's circular."

Thankfully, Hermione was blissfully unaware of this because her dress had the magical affect of stopping her from noticing anything bad. Ron had finally figured out how to plan ahead. Actually, he finally figured out how to listen to Harry. Every now and then Harry did come up with good ideas. Actually it was Susan's idea. Harry just claimed it and was the one who told Ron about it.

Sally handed the ring, still in the box, to Ron. Hermione started with the vows.

"Today is our wedding day, the happiest moment of our existence. Ron, you are my sun, my moon, my starlit sky. I dwell in darkness without you. You are my friend, my confidant. You complete me. You had me from hello. I look forward to waking up each and every morning with you by my side. And I look forward to your huge paycheck that you get as a broom salesman. And I know that any flaws that you have in character, I can fix with magic, so I know you are perfect for me. You are my match in every way. I love you, and I give you my hand, forever."

Ron looked at her blankly. Vows. What vows? I thought that all I had to say was "I do".

What will Hermione think of Ron's vows, if he even has any? Will anyone else die? What will become of the silk backdrop? Find out next time!