We, The Alpacas in a Blender, own nothing. BlondeRebel14 only wishes she owned Ron.

Napoleon Dynamite Goes to Hogwarts

Chapter One: What the Heck...?

It was September the first. As usual, the Hogwarts Express had just left from platform nine-and-three-quarters. Harry, Ron, and Hermoine had managed to find a compartment to themselves, and were just sitting down to catch up with each other, when the compartment door opened. They were speechless as some lost-looking white guy with an afro walked in and sat down.

Harry and Ron looked at each other and started to snicker at the stranger's funny-looking glasses and frizzy hair.

Hermoine shot them both a disapproving glance, then looked over at the stranger. "Hello," she said, smiling politely. "I'm Hermoine. And these are my friends, Harry and Ron."

"Hi. I'm Napoleon," replied the afro person. He looked at Ron and said, "Dude... you have some pretty sweet hair."

"Uhh... thanks, I guess," replied Ron with some shyness. Ron looked away from Napoleon and noticed that Hermione and Harry were snickering. He stuck out his tongue and turned towards the window.

"Hey, guys," Napoleon said. "Have any of you seen my friend Pedro?"

Harry, Ron, and Hermoine looked at each other. "Who's Pedro?" Harry asked.

"He's most probably like my best friend or something," Napoleon said. "Have you seen him?"

"No, sorry..." Hermoine replied. "I don't think we've seen--"

The compartment door opened again, and Neville walked in, followed by a lost-looking Hispanic guy with black hair.

"Hey, look," Napoleon said. "It's my friend Pedro."

The Hispanic guy, Pedro, walked over and sat down next to Napoleon. "Hey Napoleon," he said.

Neville sat down next to Harry, Ron, and Hermoine. "Who are those guys?" he asked, in a whisper.

"I dunno," Ron said. "Pretty weird, though, aren't they?"

"Ron!" Hermoine exclaimed. "Just because they're different, that doesn't make them weird."

"Did you see the white guy's afro!"

"Hey... What is that Napoleon guy doing?" Harry asked, looking over at Napoleon.

Napoleon had taken a small action figure out of his pocket, and was now tying a piece of string around it while Pedro watched with interest. Napoleon looked over at Harry, Ron, Hermoine, and Neville. "Hey, dudes..." he said. "Do these windows like, open?"

Harry and his friends all looked at each other. "Yeah... They open... Why?" Harry said.

"Thanks." Napoleon turned away, and started working on the window. He struggled with it clumsily for a while, getting no results. "GOSH!" he exclaimed in frustration. "Why are these retarded windows so freakin hardto open!"

Hermoine sighed, rolling her eyes. "Here," she said, standing up and walking over to their window. "Let me help you." She took out her wand, and the window magically sprang open. "I don't know why you want the window open, anyway."

"None of your business! Gosh!" Napoleon exclaimed, turning away again. He took the action figure and chucked it out the open window, holding onto the string.

"Hey, sweet," Pedro said. "That's pretty cool, Napoleon."

Harry and Ron looked at each other, but had to look away again to keep from bursting out laughing.

"Who is that guy?" Ron asked Hermoine. "And why haven't we ever seen him before?"

"I don't know," Hermoine replied, shaking her head. "Why don't you ask him?"

"No way!" Ron said.

Hermoine looked at Harry.

He shook his head. "You ask him."

Hermoine sighed, exasperated. "Oh, you two are so pathetic!" She stood up and walked over to Napoleon and Pedro. "Hello," she said.

"Oh hi," Napoleon replied.

"Um, I was just wondering... Well, we haven't seen you two around here before. Are you new to Hogwarts?"

"Yeah, something like that."

"Did you transfer from somewhere?"

"Yeah."

"Where?"

"From high school."

"High school? Like a Muggle school?"

"What?" Napoleon shot at her. "Muggle? What the freakin heck is a Muggle?"

"Oh... Well, a Muggle is our name for non-wizards. People who don't do magic..." Hermoine explained. "I was asking if your school taught magic."

"No!"

"They teach us stuff like biology," Pedro said. "We get to do some pretty sweet dissections. Like frogs and things."

"Yeah," Napolean agreed. "Pretty sweet. Except for one time when this one girl got frog guts in her hair and then she puked all over the place. It was pretty gross."

"So do you two even have your proper school supplies? Like robes and wands and things?"

"Of course!" Napoleon shot. "I'm not a freakin idiot!"

"Okay," Hermoine said. "I'm sorry, I was just wondering..."

"It's okay," Pedro said.

Hermoine walked back over to sit with Ron, Harry, and Neville. "I wonder what year they'll be in," she mused. "They're much too old to be put with the first years... Yet, they apparently have no experience with magic..."

"I wonder why they're just starting now," Harry said.

Ron shrugged.

The compartment door opened for a third time, and Draco Malfoy stepped in, followed by his two cronies, Crabbe and Goyle. "Hello, Potter," Malfoy said, sneering, and looking around the compartment. He spotted Napoleon and Pedro. "Hey, Potter, who are these freaks? You haven't been performing illegal spells on flobberworms, have you?"

"Shut up, Malfoy," Harry said, standing.

Malfoy snickered. "Look at the freak's hair," he said. "Kind of like yours, Granger, is he a relative?"

"That's not funny!" Hermoine shouted.

"And what about that dark-haired one? Your mum didn't become an Animagus, did she, Weasley?"

Ron's ears went red. "GET OUT, MALFOY!" he shouted, drawing his wand.

Malfoy just laughed. Crabbe and Goyle laughed, too, as usual, stupidly following Malfoy's lead.

"Shut up!" Napoleon said.

Malfoy's laughter immediately stopped. He turned to face Napoleon. "What did you say to me, freak?"

"I said shut up! Gosh!"

Malfoy glared at Napoleon, and was just about to draw his wand, when the compartment door opened and the lunch cart came in. Malfoy gave Napoleon one last murderous glare, then left, muttering, "I'll deal with you creeps later!"

"Freakin idiot," Napoleon said to Malfoy's back.