What is it with me and deranged titles? Honestly...
Well it'll make sense eventually, so don't fret. (sigh) I'm sorry. I know I should be updating Stealth instead of writing this... but again, this idea wouldn't leave me alone. It's already two days late. Sorry again.
My ideas keep running wild on me. This was supposed to be a oneshot, but somehow it blew up into this. I hope nobody minds! I've got so many ideas that my writing can't keep up.
Well, I'll stop yapping and get to it. Thanks to those who have offered their support! This story has both ZoLu and SanUso. I can only hope that those of you who don't particularly enjoy SanUso can either give it a chance this once, or can just skip over the parts where it appears.
For those who enjoy that pairing: I have based my writing of those two on a theory that Sanji's so used to being flirtatious that he doesn't know how else to approach someone. Usopp wants a more genuine kind of affection, and has no problem telling Sanji to bug the heck off when he's being to touchy feelyish. Sanji, not used to being refused like that, wouldn't know what to do with himself until he could get it through to Usopp that he's being serious. At least that's the basic jist of it. I dunno if that's right or not (sigh). If any other SanUso authors have any advice, please let me know! I'd love some constructive criticism.
I hope you enjoy the first chapter! I'm planning three or four depending on how everything fits.
Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece! Stop asking!
It's the Onions
Chapter 1: Brooms are for Witches
"What. Did. You. Do?"
Luffy turned from where he was hunched over the kitchen table, meeting Sanji's appalled expression with a proud grin. "I made some jack-o-lanterns! Aren't they cool?" He held up the onion he was currently working on, turning the face towards the cook.
The crooked, half-finished smile carved into the vegetable's flesh leered at the chef. With the Going Merry's lack of pumpkins, the captain seemed to have chosen the next best option. "Some!"
What had to be almost their entire stock of fruits and vegetables was now settled in tidy rows upon every available surface; each apple, onion, potato, and pear sporting an appearance that conveyed a wide range of emotions.
And wait... was that... A watermelon? He'd been saving that for Nami!
Small bits of food were strewn all over the kitchen: On the floor, the counter, the table, in the sink... even on the walls!
"Luffy," the blonde began in disbelief. "It's everywhere!" Stepping carefully over a large pile of apple cores, his voice broke into a pained laugh. "Are you kidding me?"
The rubber-man cast an unconcerned glance around the kitchen. "Oops..." He reached up to scratch the back of his neck, gifting the cook with a sheepish grin.
"Oops?" Sanji repeated, slowly lifting an improvised jack-o-lantern from the tabletop. He met the potato's blank eyes with a deep scowl. "Oops?" He questioned, whirling on the younger pirate. "You've destroyed my kitchen!"
When clenching his fist around the vegetable had no ill effect, he turned and hurled it against the wall, realizing too late that that would have to be cleaned as well.
Luffy blinked, watching the object rupture against the wood paneling with surprising indifference.
"Hey! That one was mine!"
Startled by the new voice, the cook pivoted again to see Usopp, whom he had failed to notice in his anger, sitting across the table from the captain. "Not you, too!"
The sniper's side of the table laid in stark contrast to Luffy's. His half was completely clear of the debris that positively layered everything else in the room. He had collected his scraps neatly in a bowl, and had five... well, four... little jack-o-lanterns arranged before him.
Now using one arm to gather his remaining projects closer, the marksman attempted to shield them from the chef's wrath.
"Hey! I kept my area clean! Luffy's the one who made the mess!" Frowning, he thrust an accusing finger at said pirate before continuing. "Take it out on his jack-o-lanterns! He's got tons!"
Indeed, there had to be several hundred pairs of precisely carved eyes staring back at him as he took another lengthy check of the galley. He gave a brief, unsteady chuckle before burying his face in his hands.
Usopp tore his livid gaze from Luffy, who had shrugged off the entire conversation in favor of returning his focus to the last of his vegetables. Warily eyeing the chef, he noticed the older man beginning to shake. 'Is he crying?'
The blonde continued to shudder, and eventually his voice could be heard; choked with laughter.
'He... he's laughing!' The sharpshooter slowly inched backwards as the noise became erratic and broken; sounding slightly as if the man had finally snapped. "Sanji?" He called cautiously, raising an eyebrow at his crewmate's behavior.
Hearing his name, the chef dropped his hands and tossed his head back; laughing in a loud, crazed manner towards the ceiling.
Zoro, who had been leaning against the wall in the corner up until now, saw the chef's outburst as his opportunity to escape.
It had been clear after the first minute of his captain's current venture that the boy had no patience to actually hollow out the fruit he was using. All he really wanted to do was carve the faces, so he had enlisted Zoro to do the boring work for him.
Silently setting his knife down upon the counter, the first mate pushed away from the wall and crept towards the still open door. 'I just have to get to the exit...'
Treading as quietly as he could manage, he edged his way towards the door; all the while keeping an eye on the blonde. Losing focus when the cook let out an odd snort, he flinched as he stepped on a discarded piece of onion, announcing his presence with an audible crunch.
Sanji reacted immediately. His laughter abruptly ceased, and when his face jerked downward his eyes, shadowed with irritation, fixed on the swordsman.
Sensing the man's attempt at flight, he rose up on one leg. Swinging in a wide, smooth arch, he gave the door a vicious kick with the back of his heel, sending it slamming closed with a violent crash.
"You!" He pinned his crewmate with a glare. "This is your fault isn't it?"
Where his expression had first appeared trapped, the first mate's tone slipped easily into a defensive growl. "Me? You actually think that I would come up with something like this?" He waved vaguely, indicating the butchered produce laying about the room. "I didn't even realize it was Halloween."
Studying the green haired young man, Sanji's eyes narrowed in suspicion.
"Well, you do spend almost everyday completely comatose, so I guess it's to be expected that you'd have no use for a calendar." Sighing, the cook raked a hand through his hair. "But you're not going anywhere until this room is spotless."
Zoro opened his mouth to protest, but the rubber-man beat him to the punch; alarmed at the mention of cleaning. The younger pirate shot to his feet, raising his hand as if to gain everyone's attention. "I just remembered I have to help Usopp with an experiment!"
The previously mentioned sniper gave the young man a strange look. "I'm right here," he offered flatly.
The captain's answer had been instantaneous and well practiced, as if the boy had prepared that excuse for just such an emergency. And even though his excuse had been quickly rejected, he made a lunge for the door regardless.
Expecting the kid's reaction, Sanji dodged sideways into his path, blocking the only route to freedom. "Nice try."
He stepped backwards until his back met the door, relaxing against it and crossing his arms. "Now, if you don't want to spend the rest of your life stuck in here with rotting food scraps, I suggest you grab a garbage bag and start cleaning. I'm not moving until you do."
The chef lifted his eyes, leveling an unrelenting gaze at the pout Luffy aimed his way. "They're in the cabinet beneath the sink. On the left," he added firmly. "And there's a broom in the closet."
Rooting himself to his spot, the teen huffed in protest; mumbling something that sounded like: "Only witches use brooms on Halloween."
The love cook glowered at him; giving him a look that clearly said: Get. Moving.
With his posture visibly deflating, the smaller pirate heaved an exaggerated sigh. Spinning on the ball of his foot, he turned the seven steps necessary to cross to the sink into a dramatic show of reluctance; dragging his feet and slouching almost to the point of falling over.
Zoro watched his captain grudgingly drop to his knees beside the counter. Was he expected to help too?
Yanking the cupboard door open, the rubber-man's head momentarily disappeared within it's confines as he followed the cook's request.
After a few seconds of rooting around, and having climbed halfway into the cabinet, Luffy muttered something unintelligible to the blonde across the room.
Unable to translate the garbled speech, Sanji cocked an eyebrow at the boy's hunched back. "What?"
With a gasp, the captain tumbled backwards onto the floor. Fanning himself slightly, he spoke absently. "Phew! It's hot in there." Twisting around, he straightened to sit cross-legged on the floor and returned his attention to the chef. "There're none left."
Caught off guard, the love cook blinked. "Oh." He could have sworn he'd seen several bags in there earlier this morning. "Well-"
"I'll go get more from the storage room!" Luffy sprang to his feet and moved towards the door, motioning eagerly for the still surprised man to move.
Obediently shifting out of the way, he stared blankly as the captain all but danced his way through the door and out onto the deck.
An uncomfortable silence settled over the kitchen. Zoro coughed awkwardly from his place beside the table and Sanji dropped his gaze to the dozen or so apples that had congregated next to the faucet, but no one made any effort to begin clearing the room.
The unease dragged on for almost two minutes, until the marksman finally broke the calm by leaning backwards in his seat to glance into the still open cabinet. "What the..."
Sounding shocked, he stood and approached the counter; reaching into the darkened cupboard and producing a handful of plastic bags. "Sanji? Is this what Luffy went to get?" He laughed quietly, shaking his head as he revealed his discovery to his crewmates.
Both the cook and the swordsman were reduced to gaping for a few moments, disbelief written throughout their faces.
Shaking his head in dismay, the blonde groaned. 'Why that little...' He stalked forward, snatching the wad of plastic that the sniper offered him. "Zoro, go find him. I don't care if you have to tie him up, knock him out or whatever, just get his ass back in here."
Visibly startled, the first mate had to fight back a smirk. "Uh... sure." Striding quickly out the door, he only barely stifled the laugh that was threatening to escape his lips. 'Freedom.'
With a dejected groan, Sanji dropped into a kneeling position and shook one of the trash bags open.
"Hey, Sanji?"
Pausing, the cook's eyes rose to acknowledge the sharpshooter. "Yeah?" Usopp had begun moving the jack-o-lanterns into the fridge, and now stopped beside him.
Lowering his head towards the blonde, the sniper's dark curls fell to frame his face, casting his eyes in shadow. "You do know that neither one of them is coming back, right?"
Halfway to reaching for a handful of potatoes, the chef faltered. Shoulders slouching and eyes closed, he lifted his free hand to massage his right temple. "Damn it."
As his crewmate began rifling through his pockets for a cigarette, the marksman tugged another bag free from the small pile now on the table, dropping to the floor at Sanji's knee.
Jumping at the sudden 'whump' beside him, the older pirate looked up to see the long-nose shoveling a mound of onions into his own bag. "Usopp? What are you doing?"
Throwing the blonde a weird look, the younger of the two almost laughed at his baffled expression. "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm helping you."
"I know that, but you don't have to help clean up. You didn't make the mess." Gesturing over his shoulder to the bowl still on the table, he focused back on his current task.
Ignoring the cook's words with a slight frown, the sharpshooter moved on to a small hill of pears. "Neither did you," he countered simply.
Finding himself lacking a response, the older pirate observed his friend intently. When he wasn't spinning some spectacular lie, the younger pirate could be quite direct.
Maybe that was one of the things he found appealing about his comrade. He might have been reluctant when it came to combat, but in a verbal battle, Usopp could match him word for word. The younger pirate stifled himself for no one.
With his lips worrying around the filter of his cigarette, he let his mind drift.
For the past few months, he had noticed that being around the marksman had uncovered strange thoughts, and even stranger emotions stirring within him.
It had taken him a while to discern what those sensations had meant, and then that it wasn't just some fleeting interest. Only just recently had he recognized his feelings for the boy, instead of simply about him.
Even now the memory struck him with a sense of something... not unlike walking into a brick wall. The realization had been abrupt and unexpected.
If he remembered correctly, Luffy had drawn a picture for Usopp, and Sanji had happened upon them just as the rubber-man had presented his gift. The look of complete elation on the sniper's face at such a simple gesture had stopped him in his tracks.
His mind had come completely unhinged.
'Now... what would Nami-san like for lunch? Hm... It's so hot out today, maybe something simple... Now what are those two up to? Ha, trust Usopp to be so happy over a... a stupid... That smile... How can he smile like that? I wished he'd do that more often... I wish he'd smile like that... for me... I want him to smile for me... Because of me... I want... I love that smile. I love... I... love?'
And somehow it all made sense.
He'd felt so shocked, and it had left him so disoriented that he'd felt for a moment that someone may have hit him...
But with this sudden, if not rather aggressive epiphany, came the fact that he was completely at a loss when it came to approaching his companion in... well... that manner.
Women? Sure. No problem. Any woman, any time, any place, and he could pull a witty, charming comment out of the very air around him.
But Usopp, even when Sanji finally managed a flirtatious remark, simply snubbed any such advances from the cook; more often than not with an offended scowl.
And each of the few times he had tried, the rejection had left him completely lost. It was as if all of his normal confidence had abandoned him. The women he encountered were always easily reduced to batting eyelashes and suggestive laughter...
But Usopp...
It was Usopp who kept leaving him flustered and nervous, without more than a disapproving glare. He was always left fumbling over a stuttered apology.
It was so nerve-racking at times; the idea that one day he might cross the line. But the fact that, for now, Usopp would still speak to him without the romantic pretenses, eased his concerns.
Drawn back to reality, Sanji realized that he had been studying the marksman intensely for several minutes; recovering from his stupor a moment too late.
Curious about the heavy silence, the sharpshooter now peered backwards at the blonde to find the man's eyes fixed on himself. His brow slowly creased into a frown, his face flushing in embarrassment. "What?" Usopp snapped uneasily.
Startled, the cook reined in his surprise, trying hard to keep his expression unaffected. "Oh, nothing." Letting his mouth ease into a smirk, he kept his unrelenting gaze locked on the boy.
"I'm just trying to think of the best way to thank you for being so," he paused to search for the right word, his tone instantly slipping into an attractive lilt. "Accomodating."
Catching the evocative nature behind that statement, the long-nose blushed a deeper scarlet, the color reaching his ears.
Growling under his breath, he swiftly turned away. Leaning back over his own span of the mess; he began tossing scraps into his plastic bag with more force in his annoyance.
As he listened to his comrade mutter heatedly, taking note of the way the sniper's shoulders were set with angry tension, the chef's leering smile instantly crumbled. 'There I go again... screwing things up.'
His teasing behavior had become automatic... almost like a defense mechanism... and clearly Usopp did not appreciate it.
Sighing miserably, Sanji resigned himself to his chore; every once in a while stealing a quick glance at the marksman to gauge his mood.
"Damn it!"
Smashing his head for what must have been the third time now, Zoro hunched further down in his hiding spot.
Luffy's devastating blow to their food supply had had one unexpected, though beneficial, aftereffect: empty crates.
And empty crates meant more possible cover to be used in circumstances such as these.
Now ordinarily there was no way he'd even consider hiding from the crap cook, of all people, but he had to agree with Luffy. Only witches used brooms on Halloween. Well, that and he just really didn't feel like cleaning...
So there he sat: In an old, uncomfortable box that smelled distinctly like a fruit salad gone horribly wrong.
The container was tall and narrow so his swords were propped at an odd angle in order for the hiding spot to accommodate their length. He had just barely been able to get the top closed.
Rubbing his rapidly forming bruise, the first mate settled himself within the cramped space. How long should he stay out of sight? "Two or three hours should do it," he mumbled to himself, already beginning to feel drowsy.
Turning, the swordsman tried to fit his shoulder into one corner of the crate. Raising one knee, he barely avoided getting hit in the face when he accidentally kicked one of his blades.
Propping one arm upon his leg, he dropped his forehead against his elevated shoulder, all the while grumbling about the love cook and Halloween traditions. "Damn jack-o-lanterns. Why couldn't Sanji have bought one pumpkin? Just one! All of this shit never would've hap-"
Interrupted by the sound of the storage room door opening, Zoro immediately stilled; clamping his mouth shut as he listened to the footsteps that now padded across the floor.
At first he assumed it was Sanji, looking to drag him back to the galley, but the pace was too light and quick. Having been stuck with the blonde for so long now had led him to the conclusion that Sanji had a very distinct gait.
Honestly, Zoro would have bet money on his theory that the chef, when alone, actually practiced walking.
His steps were too fluid, too even and too deliberate to be natural. He walked as if he'd rehearsed the journey in its entirety; his stride so poised that people couldn't help but marvel at his god damned composure.
One fist clenched reflexively at the thought. It irritated the swordsman to no end that he had picked up on such a trivial quirk. Of Sanji no less...
Now Luffy on the other hand, he'd quickly become accustomed to the lively march of his captain, and he had no doubts that he'd recognize the boy's tread in a heartbeat. That he didn't mind at all.
Listening intently to the footsteps that now neared his crate, the first mate found himself struggling to identify the visitor. They were being far too quiet.
It could have been Usopp... But no, it was definitely Luffy.
Usopp had a tendency to step too heavily on his heel, a result of always wearing those clumsy boots of his, and his stride had a noticeable 'clomp' to it. Come to think of it... sometimes he sounded like a horse...
Luffy's walk... when he walked... The rubber-man hardly ever walked anywhere.
He trotted, moseyed, skipped, scrambled, ran, sprinted, loped, dashed, skittered, ambled, sauntered, danced, tottered, raced, scurried, and paraded.
But he rarely walked. If he was moving, he was moving with personality.
However, when he did walk, he had a surprisingly easy, casual step.
So yes, the intruder was indeed Luffy.
Those footsteps strolled directly over to Zoro's hideaway; not hesitating for an instant. When the noise ceased, it was immediately replaced by the sound of fingers scrabbling against the worn wooden frame of the container; trying to gain a grip on the lid.
Zoro stiffened as the cover was lifted up and away. Dim light, barely enough to make a difference in the dark room, revealed the silhouette of his captain.
"Oh, here you are Zoro." The boy's manner was hushed as he swung one leg over the side of the box, shifting carefully before hefting the rest of himself up and into the crate.
The swordsman was stunned to say the least.
Not only had Luffy known exactly where his first mate had been, but here he was, wheedling in on his hideout!
Only when the boy had lowered himself into the crate and the top had been replaced did Zoro find his voice. Giving the boy a half-hearted nudge, he spoke in a muted tone. "Oi, Luffy. Go find your own hiding place."
In the darkness, the rubber-man shuffled around, situating himself. "This is the only good hiding spot," the teen explained simply. "Besides. If we both hide together, it'll take them longer to find us."
Zoro grunted at a sudden weight on his stomach. "So go hide one crate over. There'll be more room that way."
More shifting. "Why? We fit better like this. Two people in a big box is better than two people in two little boxes."
The first mate heard the jostling of his captain's hat as the boy nodded, and he paused to consider his companion's words. There was something seriously wrong with Luffy's math.
Ah, logic...
Sighing, the older pirate gave up. "Whatever, just don't-" His breath caught painfully as his friend inched onto a tender spot. "Stop, stop, stop!" Voice strained, he silently begged the kid not to budge left. "Hold on, don't move."
Reaching blindly for his captain, the green-haired young man eventually found a hold on the teen's upper arms. Slowly, he guided the boy until he was cradled between his legs, reclining back against the swordsman's broad chest.
With their legs twisted awkwardly to accommodate Zoro's swords, it wasn't a particularly cozy position... But neither one of them was complaining.
"There." Certain that his comrade wasn't going to start moving again, he released his grasp. "Now sit still. We've gotta hide for a while until Sanji either cleans the mess himself, or cons Usopp into doing it for him. One or the other."
The rubber-man's head, now settled in the crook of Zoro's neck, bobbed sluggishly as he chuckled. "Right." Yawning, he squirmed briefly to snuggle closer to his crewmember.
Searching for somewhere to rest his right arm, the first mate found that the only physically comfortable option was to wrap it around his friend. And as appealing as that idea was, Zoro cursed his luck.
He enjoyed feeling the weight of the boy against him. Times when he could be close to his companion, without having to form some excuse, were few and far between.
He was slowly, very slowly, gaining the courage to approach his captain; to see if the affection that he had rapidly developed for the boy was returned.
But for now, the green-haired young man would value the opportunities he was given. Allowing the boy plenty of time to push him away, he moved to drape his arm across the rubber-man's torso.
He was slightly surprised that his comrade didn't try to stop him, but even more so when Luffy actually reached out to catch his wrist, hugging that muscular arm to his own chest.
A content silence fell over them, and Zoro subconsciously tightened his inadvertent embrace. Maybe now was the best time to say something... Here in this crate, where he couldn't back away...
"Hey, Luffy?"
"Mm... Yeah, Zoro?"
The response was delayed, and the first mate could tell his friend was feeling tired. "Well, what would you say if..."
At his hesitation, the rubber-man twisted slightly; his words now ghosting across the older man's collarbone. "What is it, Zoro?"
"Um..." Finding himself stalling, the green-haired young man shook his head gently in regret. No, not yet... "How did you know I was in here?"
The rhythmic breath now hitched against his neck. Humming as he pondered for a moment, he felt rather than saw the drowsy grin that graced his captain's features.
"My 'Zoro Senses' told me you'd be in here."
Snorting, the swordsman quirked an eyebrow. "You're 'Zoro Senses,' huh?"
The teen barely managed to nod through another yawn. "Nyuh-huh," he murmured absently.
"I see." The first mate fought through his own jaw-cracking yawn, trying to blink away his exhaustion. In his fatigue, be failed to notice that his other arm had also stolen its way around the smaller pirate.
Someone gave a loud, satisfied sigh, but they were both so groggy that they couldn't tell who had actually made the noise.
There was another short, pleasant silence before the younger of the two spoke again.
"It's actually pretty comfy in here."
Drawing his captain closer, Zoro tucked the boy's head into the curve where his neck met his shoulder; frowning when the brim of Luffy's straw hat prodded him in the throat.
Distractedly nudging the obstacle out of the way, the first mate gently lowered his face to the boy's soft mop of hair; finally surrendering to the pull of sleep.
"Yeah... it is."
They could tackle Sanji's wrath together... You know... Later. When they were... fully rested.
And there you have it! Chapter one of a oneshot that somehow went careening out of control into THIS! (brandishes eight pages of ideas she has planned for this story) Why? Why me? (sob)I have obligations to think about darn it!Forget school! I have to EAT! And SLEEP! And SHOWER!
Alright, enough of that. In the words of a dear friend of mine... "Cry me a river, build me a bridge, and get over it." ... God I hate that phrase...
Anyway, again, I'm sorry that I keep doing this to you guys. By no means have I lost interest in Stealth. Not by a longshot. My mind's just going in a million different directions. But no worries! I have a two week break coming up, so hopefully I'll be able to get a lot of writing done.
Please review and let me know what you think. I hope I characterized Sanji and Usopp well enough. I'm not used to writing them yet. Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed it!
Next Chapter: Decisions, decisions. What will everyone choose as a costume? Will their's be a night of party going or exploration when they get thrown into the middle of alively festival? Anyone up for a trip into a haunted house? And what is it with those onions?