Shadows of the past

Disclaimer: This is only going to be stated once throughout the story I don't own Teen Titans, or Shadows of the Past by Margaret McDonagh. I do own the plotline, and superfluous characters such as Mitch and Carol, and I also own the 'Fruity Booster!'… so please don't steal them. Thank you.

Summary: Raven's got doubts about love, since her run in with Malchior. But years have passed, and she's getting that feeling again. RaxBB, with StxRo. Angst/Romance/Some mild humour

Dedication: This whole story is dedicated to my good online friend Bluemage14 or Quillmaster14 on Thank you for being fantastic, my twin in so many ways! You've given me so much support, and always been there for a good chat and you're a great laugh! I've enjoyed knowing you…and I bet we'll have lotsa fun times to come, hehe,even tho' I haven't heard from you in ages ):...BUZZ!

"It had been so long since she had allowed herself to feel

anything that this attraction, interest, empathy, whatever

it was that she had about him, alarmed her.

Nervous and wary, she was reluctant to let their association

take even the smallest step onward. Long-buried emotions

threatened to bubble to the surface when she was around

him. It was better by far for her own well being that she

never saw him again.

The painful lessons of past hurt still cast their shadow over

her. She had survived the pain, the betrayal, the humiliation,

and somehow found the strength to go on, hour by hour,

day by day, week by week.

It had become easier with the passing of time – easier to

exist if not to accept – but she still could remember how

it had been. She never wanted to experience anything

like it again.

She knew many people believed that ice ran in her veins

instead of blood. Neither the words nor the speculation

that went on behind her back hurt her any more, not after

all that had happened so many years ago.

She found it difficult to accept his attentiveness at face

value. Whilst she was most likely doing him a disservice,

she had been conditioned too well to ignore her inbuilt

scepticism. In her experience, little was ever as it seemed."

Raven put the book down on her bed, and closed it with a thud. Was it possible that she was reading a book about herself?

She checked the title. 'Shadows of the Past'. Indeed they were…or so she thought.

What could possibly make her inflict that kind of pointless pain on herself again?

She just had to face it – love wasn't part of her life, and never would be. That didn't stop her reading this romance novel though. She closed her eyes with guilt and anger at her decision to read it.

It had all started about a week ago…

As usual, she'd been down to the gothic bookstore she regularly visited in town. Mitch, the guy behind the counter there, nodded at her entrance.

"Hey, Rae," he had nodded, his lip ring twisted up as he gave a small smile. "What's new?"

"Nothing, as usual," Raven had stated, dully. She'd idly picked up a few books covered in a dark sheen with symbols printed on the front.

"Raven…"

The voice had drawn her away from her browsing.

"Hmm?" she'd replied, turning to the counter. Mitch had beckoned her over and handed her this book. She'd looked shocked and surprised at the…light hearted nature of the book, considering where they were.

"Are you sure about this?"

"Trust me on this one, kid. It's…heh, to use the old cliché one of those books that shouldn't be judged by their covers. I know you'll like it. Take it, on the house, eh?"

"On the house…that's a bit—"

"You're my only regular customer!"

And so, Raven had taken the book, out of politeness more than anything – and shoved it to the bottom of her pile, hoping never to look at it.

Yet it intrigued her…it compelled her to read it. Earlier that morning, through sheer boredom and frustration at her curiosity she had picked up the glossy paperback and started to read.

Presently, she let out a solemn sigh, regarding the happy faces of the couple on the cover. Deceptive indeed.

"If you're so like me," whispered Raven to the book. "Then how come it works for you? How can that be possible?"

Her gaze reverted to a glare, as she angrily levitated the book and pushed it under her circular mattress.

It was time for meditation. Time to feel the calm, peaceful feeling that she felt when she let go of everything…

When nothing mattered anymore…

She closed her eyes, raised her legs and began to chant.

"Azarath…Metrion…Zinth—"

"Raven!" came a sudden voice at the door. Instinctively, her hood was pulled up as her feet made contact with the linoleum.

She slid her door open a few inches and gazed out at the bright red colour with was darting around. Raven blinked a few times then identified it as hair.

Starfire.

"Raven, I wish to speak with you…"

"Oh, Starfire…this isn't another one of those 'why is it that words that are spelt the same possess different meanings' type of conversation is it? Because I really don't have—"

"Raven, please," came a pleading, small voice from the gap in the metallic sheet.

Raven's eyes narrowed at the sudden realisation that Starfire didn't seem her usual self. A lone green eye came into view in the split, and met with her own lilac one – and Raven acknowledged that there were tears forming in the corners.

Without another argument, Raven pushed the door open and allowed entry to the Tameranian.

"Starfire," she began, in a gentle voice. "What's the matter?"

The door slid shut behind the Tameranian, and Starfire slid to her knees, and began blubbering helplessly.

Raven's eyes widened completely, and she twitched nervously, not sure what to do.

"Uhh, Star?"

The Tameranian didn't even recognize that the gothic teen had spoken. That was when a motherly instinct began to set in to Raven's usually calm nature.

She crouched down, and pulled the beautiful alien to her feet, then gently guided her to the bed. She sat down next to her, and pulled her hood down.

With a little reservation, she put her hand on Star's shoulder, in a supportive manner.

Starfire didn't flinch, or seem to notice. She stared straight ahead, tears pouring down her delicate face. Raven was at a loss.

"Starfire?" she tried again, gently shaking the shoulder upon which her hand lay.

Star turned to look at Raven, then burst into tears again. Raven sighed, and levitated a box of tissues towards the girl.

"Take one," she prompted, as Star pulled a blue tissue out and blew on it hard. Raven grabbed a couple of spares, and levitated the box away again.

"Let's hear it from the top," sighed Raven, patting the shoulder soothingly.

"I am—I am…"

"…Yes…?"

"I…I—apologise…but…" Star turned to look at Raven again, and the tears began to fall once more. Raven gave a little groan of annoyance at her own pathetic attempts at rectifying the situation, and made an assertive decision.

"Star, come on. We're going out," she confirmed. They were nineteen years old now, and there was no way that Starfire was going to behave like a child…not in Raven's presence anyway.

Dragging the helpless alien downstairs by the arm, she passed Cyborg, who was chomping on some popcorn. He took one look at Starfire and dropped it.

"Hey…is she—"

"We're going out, Cy," replied Raven, giving Cy a look and a raised eyebrow. Cyborg knew what that meant. 'Girl time…do not disturb.'

He bent down and picked up the popcorn. In all the years he'd known and come to know the Azarathian, he'd also come to know that Raven usually knew best and definitely knew what she was doing.

A few minutes later, Raven landed outside her favourite café. She took one look at Starfire, and changed her mind. A depressing café was the last thing a crying teenager needed. Glancing around, she noticed a smoothie bar which was newly opened. She read the sign quickly.

'Fruity Booster!'

'Sounds alright,' she decided, dragging Star in behind her and sitting down at a table. A blonde, skinny waitress sidled up, complete with Barbie-pink outfit and pink bubblegum.

"Can I get'cha anything, dolls?" she drawled, popping her gum noisily.

"Uhm, yeah," replied Raven, glancing over the drinks menu. "I'll take a mango smoothie…what do you want, Star?"

The alien looked up. "I will have a…have a—"

She erupted into tears again. Raven rolled her eyes and emitted the smallest of smiles.

"She'll have the same," she confirmed. The waitress gave an understanding nod. The blonde turned to leave and Raven had a sudden thought.

"Actually…instead of the second smoothie…uhh…this is going to sound weird…but do you have any mustard?"

"Uh…I think we've got a can or two in the back…why?"

"Could we have one? We'll pay for it…"

"You can have one of those on the house, sweetie. Though I'm not sure why…"

"It would scar you for life if you knew," replied Raven sardonically. "If you don't mind, that'd be great."

The pink-clad girl sidled off with a mixed expression of confusion and amusement. Raven turned back to Star, who had calmed down to a sniffle.

"You alright?"

"Yes…I think so…"

"You need another of these?" asked Raven, handing her another blue tissue she'd salvaged earlier. Starfire took it with a smile.

"Thank you, friend. You have been most wonderful…I cannot thank you enough."

"Never mind that, Star," Raven insisted, shaking her hand at the comment, then reverting to her dull tones. "Would you care to tell me something?"

"What?"

"Uhm, maybe why you came into my room, fell on the floor and cried incessantly until about two minutes ago?"

"Oh…yes…that," Starfire chuckled, but there was a tired sound at the end of it, and she shifted her emerald eyes onto the floor.

The waitress returned and put the drinks on the table.

"A mango smoothie for you…and… uh…one pot of mustard…"

Starfire took it without even looking up and muttered:

"Thank you very much…"

The waitress looked dumbfounded, and walked away shaking her head. Starfire pulled the straw out of the dispenser and pushed it into the mustard, sighing heavily.

"He did it again, didn't he?" asked Raven, quietly, looking at her mango smoothie and swirling around the straw.

"Yes," replied Star, her eyes still affixed on that uninteresting spot on the floor. She gave a little gasp of breath and then looked up.

"It's not that I am being stupid about it – I mean, I may be – but he's being stupid as well…he will not say anything – when he does it is merely…words…and I cannot fathom why – it annoys me so…and I wish to do something but I fear I cannot and – it makes me feel…so…"

"Star, calm down," Raven muttered, perplexedly gazing at the tameranian. "You have to speak with breaths and pauses and preferably some kind of punctuation."

"Apologies…I merely cannot order my thoughts at the moment. But I will try."

Taking a deep breath, the princess began once more.

"I do not understand why he feels he must 'run' away from me…from his feelings…from what I hope he feels. I fear that he will never speak to me the way that I want him to…and feel the way that I want him to…and if he does not feel how I do then I do not understand why he behaves in the manner which he often does--"

"That makes four of us," interrupted Raven, giving a small smile. "Starfire, he's crazy about you. We all know it…he, believe it or not, knows it too…"

"Then why does he behave like a flornog wharlnoof!"

"Uhm…good question," replied the gothic teen, raising her eyebrows and taking a sip from her drink. "But you're asking the wrong person. You need to ask Robin."

"That is the reason for which I am crying. I tried to…but he pushed me away. He always pushes me away."

"Robin's scared…of this kind of stuff. He's sort of on my wavelength. Just cause he doesn't say it doesn't mean he doesn't care, Star. Infact…he's probably mad at himself for pushing you away…more than you can imagine."

"I do not want to make him do or feel anything that he does not want to," countered Star, her wisdom flashing behind her green eyes. "But I fear that my heart cannot wait forever. And what if it does not? What if there is another who can make him understand better than I can?"

"Starfire, I…don't know much about this stuff. But if there's one thing I do know…no one speaks to Robin like you can. You and him share an…affinity…you share some kind of unspoken bond. That can't be broken."

"You truly believe this?" asked Starfire, her eyes shining with hope. Raven nodded.

"I truly believe it. Robin's your soulmate. There's someone for everyone, Star. I know that."

"You too shall find that someone Raven…that is what I believe," Starfire interjected, causing Raven to look up. Her eyes narrowed, as she watched the tameranian slurp the mustard.

"That's different. That's…way different…"

"No, it is not. Raven…I know how much you were hurt…but that does not mean that it's the end of your love life…"

"Star, there's a much bigger problem. Even if I want to love, I can't let my barriers down again. There's too much at stake."

"Do you not hear yourself? That is merely an excuse to push the truth away!" Starfire smiled brightly. "I am…in love with Robin…and that is something which I cannot describe to anyone…and if he were to ever forsake me –"

"He wont," cut in Raven, glowering. Starfire glared back defiantly.

"If he were to forsake me, then I am sure I should feel how you do now. But, is it not worth the good side of love, to risk it? I believe that the answer is yes. And I also believe that if you look deep inside yourself you will too."

"If I look deep inside myself, I see what a fool I was in the past. I was kidding myself last time, Star. Love isn't for me."

"You were the happiest you've ever been. Love is for you. Love is for everyone," countered Starfire, frowning. Raven sighed.

"This isn't about me. This is about you and Robin, okay?"

"Do you not think that I know?"

"Of course…you came to me about it and—"

"No, not that! Do you not think that I know what day it is?"

Raven swallowed guiltily, and tried to maintain her cool. She took a deep breath.

"What day would that be?" she asked, icily, trying to maintain her composure.

Starfire rolled her eyes. "You know what day it is better than I do! It is exactly two years ago since the first day with Malchior, correct?"

"Oh…yes. That," replied Raven, looking at the smoothie. "That."

"Yes, indeed. That is what ails you. That is why you are so bitter today, correct?"

"I'm never bitter. I'm never anything like that," shrugged Raven, drinking the mango smoothie and then biting the straw angrily. "I'm just…me."

"We would not want you any other way, friend."

Raven looked up. Starfire was beaming at her. Raven blinked.

"Are you the girl who was blubbering about ten minutes ago?"

"Yes, that was I," answered Starfire, guiltily, shaking her head and blushing. "I apologise. It is just that…when Robin gets cross at me…it makes me cry."

"Hold up…he got cross at you?"

"Yes. He said 'Starfire, you have to accept that I can't talk about this. Can you stop bugging me about it now?'…or something like that," finished Star, obviously reciting it word for word. Every syllable had struck her like a whip and engraved itself in her mind. Raven let her hand wander over her chakra.

'Idiot,' she scalded, mentally cursing the stupidity of the boy. 'What are you doing?'

"I do not think that I make the situation any easier. I get annoyed that he will not share…perhaps I am to hard on him."

"Don't worry, I'm sure it's not that. He's obviously got something on his mind…" Raven replied, thoughtfully.

"Perhaps…" Starfire looked away. Then her eyes lit up. "Maybe you could speak with him?"

"Me? Uhm, Star…I dunno…"

"Please? It would be wondrous for me if you could…you understand his present feelings better that I…and possibly better than him…"

"Okay…okay…" relented the Azarathian, sighing heavily.

'She knew many people believed that ice ran in her veins

instead of blood. Neither the words nor the speculation

that went on behind her back hurt her any more, not after

all that had happened so many years ago.'

Raven shook her head as the words pushed their way into her mind then disappeared again.

"I'll try…but I'm promising nothing, Star!"

"WONDROUS!" shouted Starfire, clapping her hands together. Raven rolled her eyes.

"Glad to see you're feeling better," she muttered, sarcastically. Star blushed violently, and looked at the floor.

"I already apologised…"

"I know…I was being ironic…oh never mind," Raven sighed, giving up. "I am pleased that your better…but next time you feel like that, try not to freak me out by not telling me anything – okay?"

"Agreed," gushed Star, grabbing Raven's hand and shaking it aggressively.

"What are you—"

"Is this not the method which earthlings use to seal a deal?"

"They shake it, not dislocate it," uttered the Azarathian rubbing her sore fingers. "Ow."

Starfire laughed whole heartedly, and slurped the end of her mustard.

"Would you wish to return to the tower?"

"I…um…actually no," admitted Raven, feeling a little guilty. "I don't…"

"You are more upset than you are telling me, Raven."

"I'm not…it's just that…well…I see him everywhere in my room…I can't meditate…"

"Perhaps you should try the park? It is nice this time of day and peaceful. Would I be allowed to meditate with you…?"

"Sure, why not," agreed Raven, giving a half smile and shaking her hair out of her eyes. "I guess we could try the park."

"Raven…I have another question…"

Raven slurped the rest of her smoothie up a little more noisily than intended. She looked up again.

"Hmm?"

"I…wondered whether perhaps your affections lie elsewhere…presently?"

"No," replied Raven, dully. "My affections are non existent both presently and in the time to come. I appreciate what your saying Star, but it's not me. I don't want to do anything like that again…and nothing you can say is going to change that."

"Perhaps you are right. Nothing I can say will change it. But perhaps one day someone will explain it better than I can. Perhaps a person who loves you will explain it…properly."

"Perhaps," nodded Raven, emotionlessly, more to stop Star talking than anything.

She'd lied greatly that day. She was in fact in immense pain at the moment. So immense that she didn't want to think about it.

Malchior, the lies, the betrayal, the pain attacked her like there was no tomorrow. The 'gashes' in her heart were as raw as they were the day he'd put them there. And as much as she wanted to forget, she couldn't.

As much as she wanted to love someone again, she couldn't.

As soon as someone got close, those barriers shot up to protect her. She shut her away inside her shell and pushed all emotions away. She didn't want to feel anything that would remind her of what she'd had and what she'd lost.

Feeling love again would only torment her further. Raven sighed as they walked to the park, and listened to Starfire chirping away about something unimportant.

As they arrived, Raven was pleased for the peace and quiet that meditation brought but it didn't calm her mind in the slightest.

Thanks! Read and Review! Sorry if I got the Malchior time-scale thing wrong...but its a STORY! It doesn't matter. Enjoy.

-.Chibi.-