A/N - I don't own Foaly. I don't own any Artemis Fowl character. But I love them, so I decided to write this. Enjoy, rate, print it off and burn it, I don't really mind as long as you read it.

The Secret Diary of Foaly the Centaur - Part One: Memorials, Hoof-Moisturiser and Pure Evil.

Wednesday 3rd May 2006

I wasn't going into work today; instead, I took a taxi to the memorial centre. The place was literally bustling with fairies. Well, it was obvious why… today is exactly a year after the death of the greatest ever LEP Commander - Julius Root.

I found my way to his memorial stone, and knelt beside it. I fought back the urge to cry, and muttered some barely coherent sentences to the headstone. In the distance, people watched me with sorrow in their eyes.

"Hi again, commander." I waited, staring at the ground and taking breath. "Shame you couldn't be here today... Sool's such an idiot, you'd grind him under your boot like you would one of your mucky cigars." I chuckled, whilst reminiscing about some of Julius's moments. "I miss you Sir, but, I'll see you again in a couple of hundred years... b-bye for now, sir..." I grimaced, and muttered some final words, "over and out."

Military stereotypes and their catchphrases. I chuckled again and walked away; staring at the dying shadows the sun strips were creating.

Thursday 4th May 2006

My department's budget came in today. I was not happy.

Fortunately, Sool was yet to enter the office, so I sabotaged his light switch, coated his office floor in my hoof cream and hid behind Trouble Kelp's desk. I couldn't stifle my laughter as he entered the room, and I got an odd look as I told him I had dropped my pencil sharpener. Moments after he had shut the door, he slipped and fell. I barricaded his office door shut with Grub Kelp's desk and went back to my office.

I received several thumbs up over the next hour… until Sool crashed through his office window, breathing heavily and coated from head to toe in white hoof-moisturiser, shouting "I'll kill him! I'll kill that bloody pony!"

Needless to say, I locked my door and put the blackout windows on.

Friday 5th May 2006

I was late for work this morning, to find a sticky note on my office door saying "My office. Now."

I knocked on Sool's door, and after 20 seconds, he gave a melodramatic grunt, which I presumed was an invitation to enter. He asked me if I had "breached protocol" by "testing dangerous substances" in his office. I told him I was writing a book called 'How to annoy your pet gorilla, Sool' and used him as a test subject, he proceeded to shout at me for about fifteen minutes, but it was worth it for the look on his face. He turned his back for a drink of water, and when he turned once again to look at me, he gave a disappointed sigh and said "you may leave."

I couldn't stop laughing for a full fifteen minutes as I imagined his face when he stood up to find his butt covered in my hoof-cream.

Saturday 6th May 2006

I totally wasted today. I went into the office, but it was basically empty. There were only a few LEP officers in the building. The rest were either out patrolling or at home with their families.

I switched Grub and Trouble Kelp's desks around, and totally emptied Sool's office. I put all of his belongings in the store cupboard. I left a note on the floor saying:

Your desk, chair and plants have been kidnapped. If you ever want to see them again, you must increase Foaly's budget by at least two digits, or else your belongings will be recycled and used to construct a ten-foot tall statue of Grub Kelp, which will then be super glued to your head.

Yours sincerely,

Loafy the Taurcen

P.S. Beware of the hoof cream… the cream!

I then walked the short distance to Sool's home, with a nice idea forming in my mind.

Sunday 7th May 2006

I don't have to write things in this on a Sunday, do I?

Ok.

I slept.

You happy?

Monday 8th May 2006

I wrote the prologue to my novel, "How to annoy your pet gorilla, Sool." What? You didn't think I was serious? I also began to create the look of the front cover. I had put half of Sool's face, which merged into a gorilla's face. The title was above, and below the picture read "Anatomy of a dull-brained moron." I really must get Artemis Fowl to write a forward for it, he's almost as good as insulting people as I am.

Sool entered his office late this morning, saying someone had filled his vehicle's tires with hoof cream - it was at this point he gave me a lengthy glare - and said that he had had to walk to work.

After his briefing, he approached me. "I'll be retrieving some papers from my office, and then I'll be filing a report on you, pony-boy." He turned on his heels, and walked away. He only managed a few steps before a coffee cup hit him in the back of the head. He stopped, shuddered, and then kept walking. Trouble Kelp gave me a small grin, and got up to go to the coffee machine.

Seconds after Sool had entered his office, he emerged once again, shouting. "Loaf- I mean Foaly, get your hooves in here now!"

Tuesday 9th May 2006

According to Sool, I'm "treading on thin ice." How much ice you can get near the centre of the Earth is beyond me, but I know that if I step out of line once more, he's going to go to the council. Whether or not they'll actually fire me, I don't know, but I figured it's worth the risk.

Let's just say that gives me a huge reason to do it. I began working up plans to humiliate Sool into resignation.

Wednesday 10th May 2006

I showed my plans to Trouble this morning. He looked me up and down for a few minutes, before saying "so much evil in such a small centaur." He paused for a moment, "If you pull this off, I'll eat a tub of your hoof moisturiser."

"Deal." I replied.