Turks Party
by: Zeng Li

Author's notes on some of the characters appearing in this fic:
This fic uses some of the Turks characters as seen in the FF7 cell phone game, "Before Crisis".
1 Lené is the other blond haired Turk. Officially, according to Square, she really is Elena's older sister.
2 Klaus is the Turk with two-tone black/gray hair that carries 2 hand guns.
3 Rodney is the auburn-haired Turk that uses the same rod weapon that Reno does. The name of "Rod" is often given to him by FF7 fans and is the only "generally accepted" name given to the otherwise nameless Before Crisis Turks.
4 Adrian is the 4th male Before Crisis character. He's from Gongaga, uses a katana for a weapon, and wears glasses. He also has a large jagged scar from below his left eye to his jaw.

WARNING: This fic contains some harsh, "dirty", and mildly provocative language and is intended for mature-minded audiences 16 and over. There are NO occurrences of intimacy in this fic. Verbal sexual language and displays of comical drunkenness do occur.

"Tseng, wait up!" a voice echoed through the concrete-walled parking garage behind the Turks field commander.

Tseng's black sports car's lights blinked and an audible chirp sounded as he deactivated the anti-theft system. "What's up, Reeve?" Tseng asked, turning his head as the urban development executive jogged up to his car.

"You going to that thing over at Reno's?" Reeve asked, trying to keep from losing his breath. He got a funny look from the Turk commander as if puzzled that Reno would invite someone like him to a party. "My car's in the shop...again. If you were going..."

Tseng shrugged. "I don't know how long I'm staying, but you can ride there with me if you want."

"Thanks!" Reeve pulled the passenger door handle, and both men took off their suit jackets before getting into the car. Once seated, Reeve shot a sideways glance at the driver. Tseng's hand was on the gear shifter but paused, noticing his company's unspoken feelings.

"Are you worried about my reputation?" Tseng asked.

"As a driver? I...guess I trust you," Reeve had the sound of worry in his throat. Instinctually, he leaned his head back against the headrest as it awaiting sudden acceleration.

Tseng put the car in gear and eased off the clutch, accelerating gently.

Reeve loosened his tense muscles. "Very funny... Or did someone finally teach you how to drive?"

The black Corvette merged easily into traffic without incident. "Part of my profession demands extreme vehicle-handling competency. If it helps, I scored 398 on my precision driving rating."

"Out of...?"

"...Four-hundred possible points." As if cued, Tseng downshifted to a passing gear and took to the far left lane, blowing away traffic going the speed limit as the 'Vette roared past. Reeve's hand locked down on the side-panel arm rest, his feet bracing against the floor to limit inertial effect for when they had to take a curve. Tseng eased off the throttle and laughed. "You're white as a ghost, Reeve! Oh, the blackmail pictures I could take of you now... Oh, but don't worry..." The Turk reached over his shoulder and grabbed a loose belt attached to the seat. "If I were doing anything death-defying, I'd have the 5-point harness on. There's one on the passenger's seat too if you ever want to take a hell-raising ride with me."

"I should..." Reeve replied. "Just to show you I'm not afraid."

"Afraid? You want afraid, just wait 'til we get to Reno's place. It'll make my driving seem tame. I don't know how much you've ever hung out with him after hours."

Reeve tried to relax, looking out the window at scenery that was no longer rushing by so fast. "A few times, and I survived. But that was a while ago."

They pulled up to Reno's end-unit apartment in the middle of the Sector 3 plate. Reno was one of the few Turks who had a place outside of the tenant quarters at the Shinra building. While he used it to throw parties or entertain one-night-stands, Tseng's rented studio was little more than a quiet place to get away and relax. Reno's fire to Tseng's ice was that he rented a whole 2-story unit and for various favors would let any of the other Turks use it if they wanted.

Loud music was audible from the parking lot, making Reeve seriously reconsider the invitation he'd gotten from the Turk via email. In ways, he felt that Reno had sent it to him by accident. He'd already shown too much cowardice tonight, though, and was not about to add to a misleading reputation by backing out of attending the party. After all, it was only a little loud music.

Reno greeted them at the door, grinning ear to ear. "Hi ya', boss!" he said, already smelling a little of booze. "I see you brought the virgin."

"Mind your own business, Reno..." Tseng pushed past him.

"Hey, hey, hey..." Reno followed his senior officer, not letting Reeve go far either. "We're playing a game tonight. You'll need one of these." He held out a draw-string velvet dice bag. Tseng eyed him suspiciously, to which the younger Turk just sighed. "Come on...there's nothing alive in there."

To both their surprise, Reeve reached his hand into the bag first. He pulled out a rubber high-bounce ball decorated like a billiard ball, the type kids could get out of grocery store vending machines for a quarter-gil. He looked to Tseng as if wanting an explanation. He turned it over in his hand and found that it was the orange 5 ball.

"That's your number for the night," said Reno. "Come on boss...you too!" He shoved the bag at Tseng. The Turk leader reached in and realized there was only one rubber ball left. He pulled it out and saw that it was the solid red 3 ball. "No conspiracy theories if you lose, Tseng," Reno said, tossing the empty bag onto the coffee table as he walked by.

"This isn't a strip-party game, is it?" Tseng asked behind him, but either the music was too loud or Reno chose to ignore him...or both.

"Uh..." Reeve took a step back.

"Oh, don't worry," said Tseng, pocketing the numbered bouncy ball. "If it is, he usually rigs it so that he wins...err, loses, or whatever. Some times I wonder why he makes a game of it instead of just taking all his clothes off and getting it over with. So for that, most of his strip games aren't so bad, and playing along is usually fairly safe. With him, it's actually the door prize you want to avoid if at all possible."

Just when Reeve was feeling better about the night's prospects, Tseng had to go on and add that bit! "The door prize is worse than his adult party games? Why is that?" the urban designer asked, losing another shade of color.

"Well, let's just say that last time, the 'door prize' was a cream pie in the face."

Reeve started to sweat as Tseng looked away. "You, uh...didn't win it that time, did you?"

"Technically, yes," said Tseng. "However, I dodged it at the last second and he got it all over Rude instead."

"Oh..." Reeve said, but paused as memories of the past month came back to him. "Is that how Reno REALLY ended up with a broken nose and two black eyes a few weeks ago?"

"Shhh," Tseng leaned in closer to Reeve's ear. "Yeah, but we don't want the truth getting around, okay? The rest of the company thinks it happened to him on-the-job."

Reeve just nodded understandingly. As one of Shinra's highest ranking executives, he was accustomed to keeping secrets much deeper than that.

Reno turned the music down so to make an announcement. "Now that everyone is here, it's time to explain the rules of tonight's game and draw for the door prize!"

Half the gathered guests in unison buried their heads in their arms, particularly the vice president and sisters Elena and Lené. Indignantly, Reno crossed his arms over his chest.

"I promise no pies this time," the red-haired Turk said, his hand unconsciously reaching up to touch the bridge of his nose, reaffirming that it had healed completely since the last party. He lifted another velvet bag from under the coffee table which contained duplicate rubber balls to those he'd distributed to the other party guests. He reached in and drew a random ball and held it up. "Red three!! Who's got that one?" He looked around the room, having seen it recently, eyes quickly homing in on Reeve and Tseng.

"No conspiracies?" Tseng asked suspiciously, head cocked to one side.

Reno turned the bag upside down and let all the other balls roll out into his palm. "All nine are in here, Tseng. Just luck of the draw. And don't worry..." He replaced the novelty billiard balls back into the velvet dice bag. "Tonight's prize is a harmless tiara, okay?" He walked up to Tseng, and the senior Turk mildly protested. Before his boss could put up a fight, Reno reached up and put the door prize on top of Tseng's head.

Tseng took a step back, hand immediately reaching up to take off what ever Reno had put on him. The other party guests' laughter told Tseng it was NOT a tiara. "Reno, this isn't a tiara...it's a jock strap!!"

"Yes, but for tonight I'm calling it a tiara. Use your imagination, Tseng!"

The Turk commander tossed the article to the floor.

"Now the rules of tonight's game," Reno continued. "Everybody...except nose-breaker over there...has a numbered ball. Throughout the party, I'll be randomly drawing two balls at once, and who ever has the numbers that got drawn have to take off a piece of clothing. The cue ball was supposed to be Rude's, but well...since Rude doesn't want to play tonight, and I'm not about to make him...the cue ball getting drawn means that EVERYONE playing has to take something off. If the cue ball is drawn, who ever's number was drawn along with it has to take off TWO pieces of clothing. Everyone got that!?"

There were groans and mumbles throughout the room despite thoughts from prior experiences that Reno usually rigged his strip party games so that he was the first one naked. Tseng's cheeks turned a little red. Reeve clapped a hand on the Wutanese man's shoulder.

"Hey, we're all friends here, and those are your people. If you lose, so what? They've still got your back out in the field, right?" Reeve asked.

Tseng just shook his head. "Well, at least Heidegger isn't here in that case."

Behind them, the front door flew open as if slammed into by a heavy object. In fact it was, and the heavy object was the burly and rotund commander of Shinra's military, General Heidegger. Behind him, the half-anorexic Scarlett trotted in like a tag-along.

"Gyaaah haa haa haa!" Heidegger's voice boomed as if to put the stereo's sub-woofers to shame. "Having a party and not inviting your commanding officer? Shame on all of you."

"Kyaa haa haa!! Hey, Heidegger, darling...should I slap them for being so selfish?" Scarlett asked, chugging down a bottle of booze she'd brought along with her.

Across the room, Rude put his billiard stick down and stood in front of Rufus to protect him. Rufus turned sideways behind the strong Turk, his hand sneaking out to change the position of one of his billiard balls so to line it up with the corner pocket better for his next shot.

Junior Turks operative, Rodney, grit his teeth and reached for his concealed weapon which currently housed a level 1 Barrier materia orb.

Tseng turned to Heidegger, cutting between him and Scarlett. "Sir, if it's okay with you, the Turks have been working hard on the situation we had all week long. Now that it's over, we'd really like to kick back and have a good time. It would be good for morale."

"Are you saying that the Turks have a morale problem!?" Heidegger growled back.

Tseng turned his palms upward and took a step back. "Not exactly, sir. Leaving us be to have a carefree party would prevent..." He felt someone tap on his shoulder. Like a sucker, he turned around only to be slapped on the cheek by Scarlett's open hand. The room around him echoed from every side with laughter, including Heidegger's.

"Gyaaaah haa haa!! You see, there's no morale problem here. Come on, Scarlett...let's go upstairs and raid Reno's porno movie collection..." He took her hand and lead the way upstairs.

Tseng rubbed the stinging sensation out of his cheek from Scarlett's slap. "Ah, ignore her, boss man!" Reno said, sliding up along side Tseng. "Tell ya what...to make it up to you, I'll let you draw the first two balls for tonight's game." Reno undid the fly on his trousers and looked up at Tseng to receive the look of disapproval he knew would be waiting for him. "Okay, okay...just kidding. Here!" He loosened the tie on the velvet dice bag and held it up for Tseng to reach into.

The Turk leader pulled two out, one of which was solid red and the other was yellow with a white stripe. Reno's hand immediately collected them up and held them for the other guests to see.

"Three and nine!!" he announced. "Oops...hey, isn't three..." He turned to face his commanding officer, and Tseng just stood there with his arms folded across his chest and cheeks glowing red. "Jackets, please!" Reno held out both hands to accept the shed clothing from the two unfortunate winners of this round. Rodney, whose numbered ball was the yellow striped nine, gave his up without much fuss. Tseng on the other hand...

"Play the damn game, Tseng!" said Elena, who was hanging out with her older sister Lené by the men playing billiards.

If just to save harrassment later, Tseng stripped off his blazer and handed it to Reno. "Just don't go tossing it in the fireplace this time," he said as Reno walked away with the two articles of clothing.

"Not exactly relaxing, is it?" Adrian asked, sliding up after Reno departed and handed Tseng a drink.

Tseng hadn't seen much of the senior Western Continent operative lately. It had only been the grueling situation in Midgar recently that made him call up the extra help from overseas. "I'm sorry you're here seeing Reno at his worst," Tseng apologized to his fellow Turk, accepting the drink.

Adrian just grinned. "It's an experience, sir. That's for sure. Elena said that when Reno gets really drunk he sometimes insists there's some guy living in his freezer."

Tseng made a hand gesture. "That's nothing. It gets worse, trust me."

As if taking another cue, Scarlett staggered down the stairs, nearly falling over the bottom. "Reno!! You're out of Vodka!!" she slurred, holding a clear glass bottle upside down and letting the last drop fall onto the floor.

Klaus grabbed the bottle out of her hand before the inevitable happened and she dropped it. "Damn it, lady. We wouldn't be out of Vodka if you didn't drink it all yourself!" he said, taking his leave of her and walking to the kitchen to throw the empty bottle into recycle. Along the way, he passed Reno whose eyes went wide and snatched the bottle from Klaus before he realized it.

"Hey, we can play Spin the Bottle! Good thing we got Scarlett around to empty all these bottles into her stomach. Who's game!?" Reno asked, holding the bottle high.

All the guys in the room except Reeve folded their arms, turned away, or otherwise indicated disinterest.

"Aw, come on!" Reno griped somewhat playfully. "Hey, Tseng...Elena wants to play. Come on, this could be your chance!"

"Reno, if I wanted to kiss Elena, I would not do so at one of your sick parties."

Reno's hands covered his heart as if clutching it. "Ooooh, rejected!!" he said then looked over at Elena who just returned a look of disapproval. "All right, all right...you people are no fun. I know, let's play Tseng's favorite game in the world...Monopoly!"

"What makes you think it's my favorite game, Reno? And why is it pick-on-me night?" the Turk leader asked, sitting down on the larger sofa next to Adrian.

Reno ran his hand through his hair. "Well, it's for you intellectual types I guess...and it's not pick-on-you night, although that would make a very interesting party theme now that you mention it. For that, let's draw some more numbers." He put the empty Vodka bottle down and picked up the dice bag the night's numbers were kept it. "Okay, who wants to take a turn grabbing my balls!!"

Tseng just groaned and slapped his palm against his forehead. Adrian put a hand on the Turk leader's shoulder in vain hopes of quelling the man's stress level.

Reno grinned knowing he'd gotten his boss' attention. "Fine, I'll grab them myself. Wouldn't you like to see that?"

"Allow me..." Scarlett said, recovering from an undignified stumble, her clawed hand outstretched.

"Oh, very well..." Reno loosened the drawstring aroung the opening of the dice bag and held it out for her. Ignoring the dice bag, Scarlett lurched forward and grabbed Reno in the part of his body he'd only been joking about before. "Dammit, lady!!" Reno yelled, kicking out with his foot and sending the drunken weapons developer flying across the room and into the banister.

Tseng stifled a laugh, wanting instead to cry. Reno, teeth clenched and half snarling, drew two numbers out of the bag himself. His demeanor changed upon seeing that one of the balls had his assigned number on it. His irritation changed instantly to smug satisfaction that he nearly forgot to inform the holder of the number 6 that they had to take something off too.

Six, it turned out, was Rufus Shinra. The young vice president jerked his head back and stood in front of the blond haired sisters while unbuttoning his white trench coat, trying to somewhat dance to the music blaring behind him while trying to tantalize the girls as if he were a stripper. He handed his jacket to them as if they'd been adoring fans then turned and glared at Reno.

Not to be out done, Reno undid his belt and the zipper on his trousers. He kicked off his shoes and removed his pants. "You know, I never said there was any particular order to which the clothes have to come off." As if to prove a point, he stepped out of his boxers and tossed them on the growing pile of discarded clothes in the corner.

Rodney laughed, turning away from as many other guests as he could as his cheeks lit up bright red. Tseng grimaced and spanned his hand across his eyebrows so the rest of his fingers shielded his eyes from the sight of Reno half naked.

"Give me a break!" Reno said, stepping back into his trousers. "Much as I'd like to cheat, I merely decided that my underwear was the first piece of clothing I'd lose." He zipped his trousers back up, careful that the zipper didn't catch on anything he wouldn't want it to. He then stepped back into his shoes.

Tseng eyed his drink, half tempted not to finish it just to keep himself from becoming drunk and vulnerable to the crazy ways of his subordinate.

"I'm beginning to see your point," Adrian said next to him, removing his glasses to wipe fictitious dust off of the lenses just to avoid having clear vision of the spectacle happening in front of him.

"Okay, well...shall we play a game then?" Reno clapped his hands together and smirked like a fox about to devour everyone's meals. His demeanor switched instantly to one as if he hadn't just embarrassed half the people in the room. He pulled several board games out from the lower tier of the coffee table. "I got Monopoly... Parcheesi... for some reason Candy Land... and of course the Erotic edition of Scrabble."

"There's no such thing as an 'erotic' edition of Scrabble!" Elena protested.

"There is in my house," Reno countered. "I swiped an extra X out of somebody else's set." He looked over at Rude, but the bald Turk was too engrossed in the serious game of billiards he was playing against Rufus...who wasn't playing seriously. "Anyway, what makes it erotic isn't having an extra X to spell potentially naughty words with. There'll be a theme that all words we build must conform to. Obviously in this case, that'll be Reeve's favorite topic...sex!"

Across the room, Reeve blushed like a virgin. Rodney slid up in front of Reeve to take some of the attention away from the embarrassed executive. "You know, Reno..." the auburn haired Turk said, "...just once why can't the theme be something clever like, I don't know...building implosions?"

Reno looked at Rod like he'd grown a cabbage on his head. "What's so fun about that?" He opened the box and dumped the contents onto the coffee table, nearly knocking over someone's beer bottle in the process. "Okay...the deal will be that words relating to human anatomy automatically count as double, and words relating to virginity counts as triple. On a similar line for that matter, spelling 'Reeve' will also count as triple in accordance to the theme."

"All right... I'm game," said Adrian, changing his seating position so to be even with one side of the game board. Reno sat on the floor, and Tseng reluctantly settled in on one of the sides as well.

"Hey Reeve, since tonight's Scrabble theme is all about you, why don't you play along?" Reno asked the still-blushing man.

Reeve waved him off. "No thanks. You know I wouldn't know half the dirty words that you do."

"So you say..."

Rodney took the last seat around the 4-player board.

"Now remember you can trade letters with other players if you need them to spell fun words, and of course build off the board and onto the table if your word runs out of spaces, but those letters count as single values only," Reno said as he and the other volunteer players grabbed their starting 7 tiles.

Adrian had half his tiles drawn when he shot Tseng a questioning glance. "I know...just go with it, okay?" Tseng said. "Ironically, it's more fun to play this game this way."

"Good thing I added more K tiles to my set too. I can start the game with everyone's favorite dirty word!" Reno declared, placing four simple yet effective letters in the center of the game board. "I can never get through a single game of Scrabble without spelling this word. Trust me, it's worth holding onto a K tile all game until you can amass the F, U, and C to go along with it. Fuck is such a universal word too that it can fit into just about any possible theme, including building implosions, Tseng."

Tseng knotted his brow. "What does 'fuck' have anything to do with building implosions?" He thought for sure he had Reno on that one.

Reno shrugged. "Simple. It's usually the first word out of the contractor's mouth the instant they hit the switch and nothing happens." Across the table, Tseng just sighed. "This calls for celebration. Who wants to finger my balls?" he asked, holding up the dice bag.

"Reno, that joke is already old and it's only the second time you've said it," Tseng leaned his arms on the table lazily.

"Fine, fine... I just don't want to hear any complaints if the boss' number comes up again." Reno plunged his own hand into the velvet bag and palmed two rubber orbs. His hand raised two colored spheres, one of them numbered 8 and the other... "Three!! Ha ha ha!"

"It IS a fucking conspiracy!" Tseng growled.

"Speaking of which..." Elena leaned over Tseng's shoulder and grabbed the I, N, and G tiles off his holder and added them to the end of the word Reno had started the game with. When the Turk captain shot her a glare, she simply stated that 'fuck' on its own was fairly high scoring and adding the extra letters got Tseng off to a good start.

Reno quickly noted Tseng's score on paper but certainly didn't forget the man's obligation to the party game. "Your choice, Tseng," said Reno, holding out a hand anticipating some article of clothing to be handed to him. "Shirt and tie, shoes and socks, pants, or underwear... Remember you can strip things off in any order you want, even if it's not logical."

"Hell...you can have my shoes and socks then, in hopes that the odds will be in my favor for a while after this."

Reno waggled his finger at the other raven-haired man seated at the Scrabble game. "And isn't 8 your number...?"

Adrian folded his arms across his chest as if doing so would prevent having to remove something. "If you say so..." He removed his glasses and tried to hand them to Reno.

Reno refused to take them. "Oh no, Mr. Four-Eyes. Glasses don't count!"

Imitating Tseng, who was on his second item-removal, Adrian yanked off his shoes and socks, handing them to Reno. The party host took them and tossed them into the corner of the room with Tseng's then reminded the older Turk that it was his turn at the board.

Adrian added R, A, and P beneath the C in 'fucking'. Reno's nose wrinkled. "What the fuck is erotic about Crap!?" he barked. "Don't you know how to play this game, or are you a virgin like Reeve over there!? Or you know what...I don't even want to know!" He scribbled the word's score down and let Rodney take his turn.

"Well, I was gonna spell 'piss'," the young Turk admitted. "But if anyone has an N that I can use, I can score double points on my next word..." Reno, having a feeling he knew the word Rod wanted to spell, gladly offered up the N in his tile selection in exchange for the extra S that Rod had. Then sure enough, to his delight, the first anatomical word of the night graced the Scrabble board.

"You see? That's more like it!" Reno celebrated. "For that, you can reach in my bag and...never mind, just pull out two more numbers..." He held the velvet bag full of numbered orbs for Rod.

"Reno, you're NOT going to draw numbers every time someone puts a funny, dirty, or themed word up on the board!" Tseng argued.

There was of course no stopping the party host from doing what ever he wanted. Rod had the next two numbers drawn anyway. "Five and two!" Reno called, eyes turning to Elena who he'd remembered had the 2 ball. "No!!" he stopped her as she went right for her shoes. "Four-eyes over here is new to my sick games, but the rule with strip games around here is that the jacket always goes first! Give up the blazer, Elena. You too, Reeve!" They didn't bother handing their blazers to Reno and instead piled them in the discarded clothing corner themselves.

"Reno, baby..." a screechy voice interrupted the red-head's next move. "You're...out...of Vodka..." Scarlett keeled over and hit the floor just outside the kitchen with a thud.

Reno raised one hand and snapped his fingers. "Rude! Party-goer disposal time!"

Rude leaned his cue stick against the wall and walked over to where Scarlett was collapsed on the floor. Rufus eyed the room to be sure no one was looking and grabbed one of his striped billiard balls and placed it in a corner pocket.

Rude lifted Scarlet over his shoulder and brought her to the second floor balcony where he threw her over and into the shrubbery below.

"Whoo-hoo! The bitch is gone! This calls for celebration! Let's draw two more numbers!" Reno grabbed up his precious little dice bag.

Tseng reached over and grabbed his wrist firmly. "You JUST did that. Give it a rest, will ya!?"

"Yeah, yeah..." Reno slumped slightly, placing the bag on the floor next to him. "I need two L's , and an A for that matter. Anyone got stuff to trade?"

"Why don't you just place letters on the board to spell your dirty little words instead of trying to make a game out of it?" Elena asked as players traded Reno tiles for the ones he needed.

"What do you mean? This IS a game?" Reno said, placing B, A, and two L's on the board so if read downwards diagonally from right to left, it spelled BALLS. "See? I consider that an anatomical word, so I get double points for it."

"This isn't a word-search puzzle, Reno!" Tseng snarled in protest. "You can't spell words diagonally or backwards?"

"Fuck the rules, Tseng! That's how we always play. If you don't like my version of Scrabble, you can go play pin-the-tail-on-the-jackass. It's a pretty easy game as Heideggar's ass is a huge target, and he probably wouldn't notice a few pins jabbed into that cushion of flab he sits on."

The Scrabble tiles continued piling up on the board in all directions, players sometimes needing to dismantle existing words on the board in order to make even funnier words. Already, the tiles were crawing off the board and onto the table.

Every time Reno's turn came around, he had two more numbers drawn for the strip game. A few turns later, he'd lost his blazer, Elena and her sister each lost an article of clothing, and Reeve, Rodney, and the Turks materia-gunner, Klaus, had to lose something as well. Reno's turn came up again, and he let Elena draw the next set.

Tseng and Rufus were the unlucky ones of the round. Tseng verbalized a few threats that amused Reno more than they frightened him, though as a result, no one noticed that Rufus failed to go along with taking any clothing items off.

Tseng gave up his shirt and tie amidst much grumbling and cussing. "I swear, Reno...if I end up losing at this stupid little game of yours, I will make the next week of your life a total living hell. You got that!?"

"Yeah, yeah...what ever..." Reno said, worrying more about the dwindling supply of letter tiles and what sexually-themed word he was gonna put down next than Tseng's likely empty threats. "I'm pretty hard to humiliate, you know."

As the game wore on, no one noticed that Elena was on her fifth beer and was more than just a little tipsy. She leaned her hands on Tseng's bare shoulder and passed out, slumping forward, over his shoulder, and onto the coffee table. Reno snagged his beer bottle out of the way of her falling body, but he could not save the game board.

Tseng and Rodney lifted her unconscious body from the table. The Scrabble tiles were scattered all over the place, and one of them was stuck to her cheek when they lifted her.

"Damn it, Elena!!" Reno yelled, but she was out.

"Fine, I was getting sick of Scrabble Anarchy anyway," Tseng pushed his tiles and tile holder onto the board and fetched himself a glass of wine.

"She wants to be a poor sport and not hold her booze..." Reno rifled through the dice bag and pulled out the number 2 bouncy ball and threw it across the room and into the kitchen where it struck and apparently shattered something made of glass. "She won't be allowed to play if she's not conscious enough to enjoy it."

Tseng cocked an eyebrow. "Oh, and here I was trying to stay sober. So if I pass out, I'll be exempt from having to strip as well?"

Reno held his beer in one hand, pointing his pinky out at his boss. "No, if you pass out, I'll strip the rest of your clothes off, sit on your bare ass and ride you for a photo opportunity...the pictures of which might just appear in Shinra's next company news letter."

Tseng gently narrowed his eyes at the drink in his hands. Though he craved another taste of the deep red wine, he handed his glass off to Reeve. "Enjoy... I'm the designated driver tonight."

Reno picked himself off the floor, his legs a little stiff under him from having sat there for so long. "All right, then... I guess we can draw more numbers. Gods know that I need some more entertainment in my evening. Yo, Rufus! You wanna stop cheating at billiards for two seconds and pull a number?"

"I don't cheat," said the young and defiant vice president, obviously forgetting that he still hadn't removed a piece of clothing since his number was called a second time. He reached into Reno's bag and pulled out one ball then returned to his billiards game before Rude took an opportunity to cheat while the VP's back was turned.

"Yeah...whatever. You were supposed to pull out two, but hell, this number looks familiar..." Reno held the rubber ball up for all to see.

Tseng's face turned as red as the ball. "I still think this game is rigged."

"It's totally random!" Reno insisted. "Besides, don't be mad at me...be mad at the little twit who drew your number. If anyone deserves a week from hell, it would be him."

"Rufus is my superior," said Tseng, reluctantly stepping out of his pants. "Making his life a living hell would not be...appropriate."

Reno just grinned at the sight of seeing Tseng in nothing but light blue boxers. "You know, boss, you should really wear something a little more...revealing. You won't get the ladies if you keep hiding the goods behind those baggy shorts."

Tseng sat on the soft and pulled a throw pillow onto his lap. "At least I HAVE something to hide..."

Reno cocked his head and shook his hand from the wrist. "Oh, puh-leeze! The old my-penis-is-bigger-than-your-penis slam. Get a life."

Tseng just sighed, rolling his head back into the sofa cushions.

"All right, we need another number. Hey, baldy...errrr...Rude! You wanna do the honors since there's nothing in here that could cause you any undue stress, harm, or humiliation." His hand reached out towards the tall Turk, the velvet bag resting in his palm.

"Nothing that can hurt me?" Rude asked.

"Good grief, Rude! They're just rubber bouncy balls I got out of a vending machine, all colorful and numbered just like the ones on the pool table you and Rufus have spent the entire night huddled around. It's not like anything in here is a personal attack on you or anyone." He shook the bag lightly as if to entice the man to come to it.

Rude walked over to him and stuck his large hand into the velvet bag and pulled out a ball.

"Nothing that's a personal attack?" the bald Turk asked, holding up the plain white ball.

Reno's eyes looked at the ball, Rude's shiny bald head, then back at the ball again. "Oh..." he said, swallowing a lump in his throat, his nose already throbbing as if Rude had already punched him and broken it again. The tall man towering over him was ominous, but Reno's eyes kept going back to the plain white ball. "Oh!!" Reno exclaimed, finally locking onto the significance of the drawn ball. He snatched it out of Rude's hand. "The cue ball has been drawn! That means everyone has to take off an item of clothing!! That also means that if it results in someone being completely nude, then we have the big winner of the night!" His eyes, of course, fell onto the sitting form of his raven-haired boss.

Tseng just glared back, his face turning a comical bright red.

Reno's grin could've lit up a runway in Junon. "Come on, you big winner, you! Don't be shy!" he said. "Yo, Rude. We might have to force another glass of wine into him, but I think we can get him to do it."

Tseng scowled. "I'm not taking my shorts off, Reno!"

"Now, now. We've all played this game fair up until now, give or take a vice president or two. I'm sure if it were any of the rest of us, we'd be good sports about it, even that shy pansy, Reeve. Come on, Tseng. You've seen ME do it enough times."

"Unless of course there's something to be ashamed of..." Rufus said, grinning as he stood next to Reno like a hungry wolf.

"Yes," said Reno. "Perhaps your dong ain't as big as you say it is. Or, perhaps it's so big it'll put the one between my legs to shame, who knows, right? Besides, if you were stripped naked and had to fight to save your own life and the lives of your fellow Turks, you're supposed to do so without being distracted by your own..."

Before Reno finished his tought, Tseng stood up and stepped out of his boxer shorts and tossed them onto the pile in the corner. "Happy, Reno? Well, you should be. That is, until this coming Monday when your week-from-hell begins."

Elena woke up briefly and locked her blurry vision onto Tseng. She squeaked a little yelp, eyes going from totally wide in disbelief to completely closed as she dropped unconscious again.

"All right, fine!" snorted Tseng. "You successfully got me naked. Now, can I have my clothes back?"

"Be a sport, Boss," said Reno, his crooked grin engulfing almost his entire cheek.

"What the hell is this!!" boomed an unexpected voice behind them.

Everyone turned and saw Heidegger coming down the stairs. Jaws dropped, and Tseng immediately crossed his arms across his privates. A deep, disapproving glare came from the fat military commander's eyes.

"Tseng!! What on earth are you doing, you pervert!"

Tseng visibly shook, horrified that his direct superior would see him this way. "I lost playing one of Reno's retarded strip party games! It's all his fault. Don't worry, I intend to make his life absolutely miserable for this."

"And I'll make both of yours miserable! Now, where's Scarlett?"

"She, uh...stepped outside," said Rufus. "By way of the upstairs balcony. I imagine by now she's making love to the thorn bush, somehow mistaking it for your hairy body or something."

"WHAT!? Scarlett!? Darling...!?" Heidegger lumbered outside to look for his bimbo companion.

Reno winced, handing Tseng back his clothing. "Ugh...sorry 'bout that, boss-meister," he replied soberly. " We all sort of forgot about him, huh? Talk about bad timing..."

"Yeah..." Tseng grabbed his clothes and redressed quickly, any potential humor of the moment gone completely.

"Shit. I suppose there's no avoiding a week from hell now..." Reno sat down next to Tseng on the sofa and put his arm across his shoulders. His other hand came up to his face. "Just have mercy on my nose. Anything but my nose..."

Tseng snorted a laugh. "It wasn't all that humiliating until Black Beard showed up. I know I'm gonna be pulled into his office and raked across the coals for this. Sorry to say, my misery WILL trickle down to become YOUR misery..."

Reno squeezed his arm around Tseng's neck, drawing him closer and kissing his cheek hard. "Right... So be it..." he leaned hard on his boss's shoulder to push himself up to his feet.

Tseng shook his head to get rid of the after-effects of Reno's joshing kiss. A week from hell...? Oh yeah...

The End

An original story based on characters from Final Fantasy VII © 1997 Squaresoft Ltd. This work of fiction is intended for mature audiences only. Original rendition (c) 2000 by Zeng Li. Rewrite as presented here is (c) 2007 by Zeng Li.

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