Disclaimer: Rurouni Kenshin and subsequent characters belong to Nobuhiro Watsuki
Notes: Kaoru thinks that nobody notices, but Megumi is a female too, and she's a kitsune, occasionally.
Timeline: Undecided, probably somewhere after Kyoto-arch and before the Jinchuu-arc
Kitsune Notices
Ken-san and Sano out of the way, check. Yahiko safely out of range, check. Nobody else in the vicinity, check. Time to corner the raccoon-girl, check.
Megumi tiptoed her way over to the girl currently sitting beside the river gazing out at a rather spectacular purple reflection of the evening sky, doing her best to keep quiet. She wanted to surprise the other girl into finally talking, and while Megumi could only see Kaoru's back, she seemed to be quite absorbed by the view--still, best be careful. Kaoru might not be at the level of Ken-san or the tori-atama, but she still was a kenjutsu instructor, after all.
"Is there something you want, Megumi-san?"
She froze mid-step. Caught, and she had been so quiet, too! With a huff, she stalked forward and elegantly dropped to her knees beside the younger girl. Kaoru didn't look at her, uncharacteristically quiet, seemingly content to ignore her.
With a rising irritation, Megumi huffed and turned her gaze to the river. "I just want to know, raccoon girl, about what's bothering you." Ken-san and the tori-atama had gave her a way to live again, but in the end it still was Kaoru's compassion that set her on her way--Kaoru who had recommended her as Dr. Genzai's apprentice, Kaoru who had taught her the meaning of respecting someone else's hard work, Kaoru who had appreciated her expertise and her advices and with enough kindness to not rub the fact that Ken-san would rather be with her instead.
Yes, Megumi owed Kaoru as much as she owes Ken-san and Sano. So when she noticed that slight glass in the younger girl's eyes, she could not leave it alone. Kaoru was normally as cheerful as sunflower, and it was only when Megumi looked closely that she noticed the bright eyes screened pieces of glass.
Even in the moments that drew a smile to Ken-san lips, her eyes hid the glass sheen of loneliness. It concerned Megumi as much as it puzzled her.
Lonely and happy doesn't normally go hand in hand. Sano, Ken-san and Yahiko were all happy enough, it seemed, to be deceived, but Megumi was not going to settle for it. Men, she thought a little exasperatedly, dislike complication. Well, let them be happy in their ignorance.
Let's see… if she had tried to make subtle insinuation Kaoru could always pretend misunderstanding. The only way to ask this girl question was to do so directly--God knows how the younger girl could actually be so good at deflecting inquiries.
"I'm wondering, Raccoon, why do you always look so lonely when you're laughing." In fact, when she's laughing maybe the time she looks the loneliest at all.
"You noticed," there was a faint hint of surprise, and Megumi took a couple of seconds to be smug over it before realizing that she was actually right, and that was not a good thing.
She schooled her voice into nonchalance, pretending merely mild curiosity instead of the rapidly growing worry. Megumi might only be educated in the physical health of the body, but she knew enough about the health of the soul to be concerned.
"Why?"
Kaoru sighed, and leaned forward to put her chin on the heels of her hands. "Loneliness isn't necessarily physical, Megumi-san. You can be in a middle of a crowd and still be alone," she paused, "perhaps, you're most alone when you're in the crowd."
The doctor waved a fine hand impatiently, "Yes, but why are you lonely? I mean, you've got Ken-san, and that Rooster-head, and Yahiko--"
"Megumi-san," Kaoru interrupted. "Who am I? Other than a tanuki-girl, and the person they leech off of?"
That stopped her mind in its track. "You are... Ken-san's girl, of course." She finished lamely, betting on the one thing that might have been the problem.
But Kaoru only shook her head, and when she looked at Megumi, with the loneliness clear in her eyes and an old, old smile on her lips, Megumi found that she could not be more wrong.
"I am the Shihandai of Kamiya Kasshin Ryuu. A kenshi without reputation, mediocre skill, and more determination than talent. Nevertheless, I am, a kenshi," she paused, "when I made up my mind to inherit my father's school of sword, I gave up being a woman in the eye of society, and I didn't care. I am a kenshi." She returned her gaze to the purple reflection of the sky, and Megumi found that she had been holding her breath.
"What does that has to do with being lonely?"
A sigh fell from Kaoru's lips, and a dragonfly buzzed past. A slight breeze sent the grass dancing lightly, playing with their hair and clothing.
"If," the younger girl began, "you talk to the common folks, you'd realize that either they think I'm a little girl playing with her daddy's sword--which is completely unsuitable--or, like Maekawa-sensei, acknowledge my skill, but do not think of me as a woman. They do not understand, you see? I could be one or the other, but I could never be both in their eyes. I decided that their regard of me as a kenshi is more important than the other, so... the only womanly trait I allow myself, I think, is my collection of kimono--and the ties of my obi."
Megumi was now thoroughly confused.
Kaoru glanced back at her and smiled, "Megumi-san, I decided once that I will be a kenshi rather than a woman, but nobody else quite sees me as such. Tae kept telling me that I should spend more time pampering my skin, do you know? And Kenshin," her smile turned slightly bitter. "Kenshin would teach Yahiko, or practice with him. But he would never accord me that respect."
Megumi opened her mouth to protest, and couldn't quite found words to do so. "Kaoru-san,"
"I am not," Kaoru forestalled her, "a weak woman. My skill is mediocre, but like Yahiko, I too, dreamed of the day I can be strong enough that no one needs to save me. I will drive myself into that point come hail or thunder. But nobody else will help me, you know, because to them all I need to do was sit there, quarrel with Yahiko, and entertain them. Kenshin tries to coddle me, Megumi-san, and that perhaps drives me insane as fast as an unsecured cart can roll downhill. I know my limitations, and I will not step into a fight I cannot win if I don't have to--I'm not that stupid, but all that didn't matter to them. Now, Megumi-san, when no one sees me as myself, should I not be lonely?"
The doctor averted her eyes and folded her hands on her lap. "I'm--"
"Don't say you're sorry, Megumi-san, because it's not your fault."
"But, I--" Megumi was feeling very, very guilty for all the time she had made fun of the younger girl's slightly unrefined manners, and never once giving thought to the girl's position and way of life. It had been, in a way, all in the spirit of fun, but she had to admit that in a meanness of spirit she had also done it to make herself look better in the men's eyes. The realization that it could have made things worse for the younger girl really twisted her stomach in a knot.
"You didn't know." She forgave, the doctor thought with a fierce pang, all too easily.
The purple sky had darkened into dark blue dusk, the purple lowering, pushing down the fierce orange of the sunset closer to the horizon. The wind grew slightly colder, but Megumi barely noticed.
Kaoru's hand patted hers, and Megumi studied the calluses on the girl's palm, the same calluses she knew were on Ken-san's hands. For a short few seconds Megumi bitterly despised them for the respect they failed to give to this young girl, the respect that would have banished that glassy loneliness in her blue eyes.
Curiously, Megumi turned to the younger girl and asked, "Has anyone respected who you are before?" her voice was tiny, because she didn't knew what answer to expect, and knew that the answer Kaoru might give just might send her into tears.
"Once upon a time," Kaoru smiled, and this time it was a slow blooming, warm and tender and heartbreaking--Megumi knew that the younger girl had always been pretty, but at that moment she was beautiful beyond anything Megumi had ever seen. "Once upon a time, a man with tiger eyes, a skylark, a jade snake, a beautiful dewdrop. Then the dewdrop died, and the skylark went away. The man with tiger eyes went to his grave, and the jade snake faded into the mist."
All gone, all gone. Megumi thought there was a prickling of tears at the edge of her eyes, and she surreptitiously wiped it away.
"Kazuomi with his tiger eyes understands me more than anyone ever has, more than anyone else ever will." Kaoru continued with that fond, heartbreaking smile and light in her eyes, "He respected my decision, he would cross blade with me, he would let me learn the consequences of my actions--flesh as well as spirit--he would let me fall, but he would make sure I survive it, and be there to help me up and make me learn from my mistakes. Kazuomi who planted the cherry trees in the backyard, Kazuomi who let me fly. We would have been married, you know? I miss him so--his encouraging voice when he taught me how to do things, evenly telling me my mistakes, and the way he calls my name... I could go on with my days because I remember that he exists, and that he would want me to be strong. That he tells me that I'm strong enough to stay in my path and not falter.
"When he died, I thought I was going to go insane--but I refused to let myself fall into depression, even as I mourn him. He respected me and my decisions; in turn I must respect his expectations."
In contrast to Kenshin who would always be trying to hold your hand, as if you're a child. Depressing thought, Megumi bit the inside of her cheek. Oh, Ken-san, adorable Ken-san who Megumi was very tempted to slam a frying pan on to let him know that he had a competition from beyond the grave, a man Kaoru might be far more inclined to be married with, despite him being dead and all. "Nee, Kaoru-san, if Ken-san... If Ken-san proposes to you, would you marry him?"
The light in Kaoru's eyes died, and Megumi bit her lip, silently berating herself for asking. "Megumi-san, I have never made it a secret that I love Kenshin, and most likely, if he ever asks, I couldn't have say no. But we will remain strangers in our marriage till its end, unless he sees me as who I am, rather than this naive little girl, with pure spirit that he has to protect from everything--himself included--and I will continue to be lonely. This is, of course, assuming that he will ever ask. Love makes people foolish, after all, and I have never thought myself to be smart. Our hearts are never ours to rule, ne?"
"No," Megumi conceded with heavy heart. "But you still didn't answer my question, Kaoru-san."
"Ah, that? Happy is easy, Megumi-san. Very easy."
The doctor blinked, "Easy? How can you be happy when you're so lonely?"
"Because I remember, Megumi-san. Love you know is never wasted, after all, even if the ones who gave it to you have passed into the next world." The younger girl smiled. "And it is almost a cycle; people see you as happy, and you see yourself through their eyes. It doesn't work for lonely, but happy is easy."
They turned toward each other, and the utter honesty in those blue eyes, the glazed loneliness and happy azure made a corona of inexplicable beauty that almost brought Megumi into tears again.
"Don't worry so much, Megumi-san. Life is short, try to be happy. Kazu always tells me that the past shouldn't stop a person from living, because while memories might be a tree's bark or its leaves, life goes on."
On impulse, it seemed, because it couldn't have been anything else, Kaoru bent forward, and Megumi felt a brief brush of lips against her own. There was nothing that spoke of romantic love, merely gratitude, coupled with support and encouragement. A kiss a sister might give a sister on the cheeks or on the forehead.
A kiss that was also, despite Kaoru's intention, it seemed, utterly cold and lonely, and spoke only of determination and not at all of hope.
Before Megumi knew it, the younger girl was gone. And as she sat on the riverbank the sky grew dark, the wind grew cold, and finally she had to move and walk briskly home or contract a cold.
Kaoru's mask wasn't a mask after all, merely her determination to be happy overshadowing everything else. No one else had notice, but Megumi was also a woman, and she saw.
She wished, sometimes, she didn't.
A/N: No, it's not new, just beta-ed, (bows to Kaiba-chan; a thousand thanks)
Kenshi—swordsman/swordswoman (one who practices the art of sword)