Author's Note:

For those who are reading this now. I wanted to leave a note to all returning readers and new ones. This story is OLD. Like decades old and its well…not very good. I only keep this story up for nostalgic reasons.

AND

Before you decide to read ahead at the stories I have posted, a warning: I am a very self-indulgent, self-insert author. In fact, 99.9% of my fics include my self-insert and I'm proud of it. So, if you feel like you can endure it, please proceed!

But please remember: this and every other story that I have written was produced out of pure boredom/fun/crack or just because I felt like it. Therefore, it is NOT perfect. I am not a professional. I cannot guarantee that the grammar is spot on or that you'll enjoy it. But if you decide to stick around for the ride? I appreciate it. But I am, (repeat I am) an amateur writer.

I do hope however; I can entertain you for a couple of hours and maybe get a laugh or two outta ya? I really appreciate all the support you all have given me over the years and I'll continue to try and update when I can.

So, thanks! Thanks a bundle!

AND

I do not own any part of Peacemaker Kurogane. Just the characters, Katsuke, Hitomi and Tora.

Much Love.

"If I were a boy I think could understand how it feels to love a girl, I swear I'd be a better man."- If I Were A Boy, Beyonce.

Searching for Paradise

She stepped through the narrow streets with her head held high. She had to now, seeing as her life had completely been turned upside down. Just a few days ago she was a completely different person and now? Things were different, very different. But she was all right with it, she had to be, this was the life she chose after all. She couldn't go back on her promise now, not after all that had happened.

Before today she was an average woman, performing average tasks but now? Had she made the right choice? What little family she had would be left behind so was it worth it? She couldn't think about going back now, it was far too late. She was going to take things day by day now, just living as simply as possible. She had been given the deal of a lifetime; she wasn't going to let it go to waste.

The events from hours before played over and over in her mind. Perhaps it was something that would never leave her.

XoXoX

"I am willing to put my life in danger's way to support and fight for the Shinsengumi guard! Please, Hijikata let me join!"

He wasn't pleased, that was obvious enough. Toshizo Hijikata of the Shinsengumi sat before her with a look she was sure could kill her if she stared too deeply into his eyes. She dipped her head into a deeper bow, her eyes avoiding his at all costs. She had heard from townsfolk that Hijikata was the harshest of any of the three captains; maybe it was the rumor that was putting her off so much?

Her eyes wandered to the right to see the two last captains. They appeared harmless enough, the one named Yamanami sitting a few feet away with a look of confusion and shock on his firm features. Beside the four-eyed male sat the first captain; Kondo held his head tilted to one side with a single brow lifted.

Maybe dressing up as a man and requesting membership to the Shinsengumi was too much?

But how else was she supposed to get in? One had to be a man, right? There was no other way around it! She had to do this; she had a mission after all. She had people she loved depending on this! If she could complete the impossible by joining maybe then she would have the means to save her father.

"Do you really think I buy your performance?" Hijikata's voice rumbled through the young visitor's ears.

She flinched at the sound of the angry captain's voice. For a brief moment, she turned her chin away from the other men and made a second connection with Hijikata. Brows furrowed and lips turned down in a deep frown, he still did not look pleased.

If she didn't want to lose her chance, she would have to lie, "I don't know what you're talking about Hijikata." She lowered her head once again.

"Don't play games with me!" Hijikata was quick to reach up and out toward the 'boy', grabbing at her face and pulling her closer, "You are not who you say you are!" Hijikata's voice lowered to form a deep growl as he continued, "You are a woman."

With a quick snap, Hijikata's arm reached upward and outward toward the 'boy'. Hijikata's hand swooped down before her and snatched off the wig from the visitor's head. The she whimpered in fear as the captain's anger grew.

No! She couldn't be found out, not that easily! The newly discovered female was quick to jump back in shock and let out a pathetic whimper. She threw her hands up in her own defense before coming back at the captain with her explanations. "Please! Forgive me, Hijikata!" She cried out, "I didn't mean to cause any you any harm!"

Hijikata threw the female's wig to the ground with great force powered by his anger. "Then you best explain yourself."

"Hijikata," The girl jumped to her knees and bowed before the demon captain. "I only want to serve the Shinsengumi! Please give me the chance!"

"Absolutely not!" Hijikata shouted as he slammed his fist unto the ground, "Do you play me for a fool? Take your show elsewhere, girl. You are neither wanted nor needed here." Hijikata then closed his eyes and turned away from the pleading woman. "Go to Shimabara, perhaps they'll require your services there."

"No, please!" The girl threw herself on the floor, "Listen to my plea! I need to work here!"

No, this couldn't be the end. Not here, not like this. She had to do something; she had to make this work. Her whole life depended on this; her family's life depended on this. There was no way something as small as gender could get in the way of her father's life!

"And what is that brings you here?" The sound of Yamanami's voice forced the young woman to turn and look in his direction.

Yamanami looked down at the girl with innocent eyes. Did he want to make her feel better? Why else would he look at her like that? With eyes so soft? Perhaps he just didn't want to see a woman cry, either way at least one person was looking out for her. She looked upon the kinder, smiling captain Yamanami. She lifted her balled fists to her eyes and rubbed the tears from her eyes.

"I have nowhere to go," She explained after clearing her throat. "My family, my father has been taken…I believe the Choshu had something to do with it." The girl then gripped the ends of her yukata, "I know they kidnapped him, he was a sword-maker."

The room entered a silence after the girl spoke. Were they thinking over her plea? Could they, they had to! This was her last chance at having her family back!

"Toshi,"

Hijikata turned at the call of his name. The third and most elderly of the three, Kondo had addressed him. Hijikata grunted and closed his eyes at the sound of his name.

"No," Hijikata replied with a grumble, "Absolutely not. No woman is going to join the Shinsengumi."

"Well," Kondo smiled, "You are right about that. No women are allowed to join the Shinsengumi," Kondo paused to look down at the girl and her sad expression. "But,"

"No," Hijikata protested.

"We could use another hand around here." Kondo proudly finished his sentence.

"Like as in a Page?" Yamanami quickly caught on and smiled along with Kondo. "Oh, I'm sure we could use another helping hand around the dojo. I would greatly appreciate having a Page for myself."

"No!" Hijikata snapped as he threw his open fists to the ground.

"Oh but Toshi," Kondo was quick to reply to Hijikata's expression of anger, "You just got yourself a Page didn't you?"

"And I didn't say I was enjoying it by any means." Hijikata snarled as he crossed his muscular arms over his chest.

"Oh please!" The girl's squeaky voice caused the three men to turn her way, "Let me be a Page, oh please! I would be the best, I swear it."

"Stay out of this!" Hijikata snapped back at the girl.

"Please!" Tears flew from the girl's eyes as she once again threw herself in front of Hijikata. "I just need to find out what happened to my family! Then I will leave, I swear."

"I don't see why not?" A large smile grew across Kondo's face as he closed his eyes, content with the idea. "What do you say, Sannan?"

Yamanami closed his eyes before pushing up his glasses on his face. "I believe it's a fine idea. I wouldn't mind having my own Page."

Kondo then looked to Hijikata with a still face, "Toshi?"

Hijikata bit down on his bottom lip. She could feel a fierce 'NO' beating on his lips. But how could he deny the expectation of more help around the Shinsengumi? They had to have needed the help, right? Besides, she was cute! They had to let her in! How could a group as large as the Shinsengumi not need help? Cute help at that!

The look on Hijikata's face settled. He grunted once or twice before shutting his eyes and releasing a long sigh through his nose. Was he giving up?

"Then it's settled!" Kondo clapped his hands together in enjoyment.

Hijikata sneered at Kondo's final decision. He curled his upper lip in disgust before slowly reopening his eyes. His cold stare landed on her, a look that shot a hot spike through her heart. "Do whatever you want with this wench," Hijikata snarled as he turned his back to the two other captains, obviously displeased with the agreement they had come to.

"It looks like you will be Sannan's new Page!" Kondo looked toward the girl with a wide smile. "Welcome."

Were her ears hearing right? Did they just say that she was in? This couldn't be happening, could it?! "Really?" The girl's jaw dropped in amazement, "This is really happening! I'm part of the Shinsengumi!" She cheered as she wrapped her arms around herself in glee.

"This ISN'T happening for you," Hijikata was quick to reply as he swirled around to face the girl. "You ARE NOT part of the Shinsengumi, you are a maid. Nothing more. If you want to parade around pretending to be a male, so be it."

The girl narrowed her eyes at Hijikata and poked out her lower lip, dissatisfied with Hijikata's bitterness. Before she could let her smart mouth get the best of her, the girl turned away from her commander. She couldn't get herself in to trouble just yet.

"Now," Yamanami looked at the girl with a kind smile. "It would be nice if you introduced yourself. What is your name?"

"My name?" The girl said as she gently pressed her index finger against her own chest. "My name is Katsuke Nakamura."

XoXoX

"To think, today is my first day being a…a Page." Katsuke let out a loud sigh as she leaned against Yamanami's thin walls.

Could this be true? Her first day of being a Page? It wasn't like being a member of the Shinsengumi but it was a start and everything has a start, right? She had to make the most of what she had, even if what she had wasn't much. She had things she wanted, needed to work for and nothing was going to get in the way of her goals.

Her father, he needed her and she needed him. She had to save him from whatever horrors he was facing. He had provided her with everything she had; it was the least she could do, to save his life. If she got hurt or even killed in the process? That was fine. But what were the chances she would get hurt? Hell, she was the best swordswoman she knew! She could do this; she could be all she wanted just because she knew she could.

All she had been taught when she was young, it wouldn't go to waste; she could do anything if she believed in it enough. Good things would come.

She had it all planned out in her sneaky little mind. She, Katsuke Nakamura, would dress and act as a man just for the sake of one day being a possible Shinsengumi member. Perhaps if she lived the rest of her life out as a male, her dreams of becoming a member would be closer than she originally planned. Crazy plan, but Katsuke had nothing left to lose now.

"You'll be fine, just try not to get yourself into bad situations." Yamanami reassured his new young Page as he walked deeper into his room, closing the door tightly behind him.

Katsuke looked about the room with child-like curiosity. This was the great Yamanami's bedroom? She was honored to step foot inside his sleeping chambers; although, she was not yet sure why he had led her there. Katsuke did not spend much time thinking of the matter, she was too amazed with her current environment.

Yamanami let out a small mumble to himself as he stepped toward his closet door. He gently opened the door and bent down toward the floor. It was clear that he was searching for something, but Katsuke could care less. She looked at the small trinkets and do-dads that Yamanami had in his living space.

"Ah! Here we go." Yamanami exclaimed after a few moments of searching. "Here you go, Katsuke," Yamanami whirled around to face his new Page with a smile on his face and a yukata in hand.

"What is THAT?" Katsuke replied with disgust as she looked down upon the garment her master had presented her with.

"It seems you will be needing an outfit, yes?" Yamanami closed his eyes and maintained his smile. "You want to look like a man, don't you?"

"Uh," Katsuke paused for a moment before she answered with a dissatisfied, "Yes."

"May I ask you something, Katsuke?" Yamanami spoke with a gentle tone as he approached the female and gently dropped the garment in her open arms. "Why do you want to be treated like a man? As my Page, it isn't necessary."

"I want to be a member." She said plainly. "I need to be a part of the Shinsengumi."

"But-" Yamanami began but was quickly interrupted by the young female.

"I know that I can be a member someday." She gripped down on her yukata with sweaty palms. "I need to be a part of this. I have someone I need to see, someone I need to save."

"Your father?"

"Yes," Katsuke answered her master's question with a still face. "I need to find him."

"Well, all right then." Yamanami smiled once again and placed one firm hand on Katsuke's delicate shoulders. "If you'd like to be treated like a man, I shall treat you like one. I promise I won't tell anyone about your secret."

"Really?!" Katsuke's mouth dropped open with amazement. "Thank you so much Yamanami!" She sniffled as she brought her balled fist to her eyes, wiping away any moisture.

"But I do suggest that you do a few things to assert yourself as a man, Katsuke." He added.

"All right." Katsuke gave her master a firm nod. "But I must tell you something first…"

"Yes, Katsuke?" Yamanami tilted his head to one side as he watched the young girl step closer to him.

Katsuke stood on her tiptoes to reach her master's ear. "I have a problem…keeping secrets."

Yamanami broke out into a loud laughter as she pulled away from his ear. The girl cocked a brow at this reaction and before she could ask her master what was the cause for such laughter he replied. "And you're telling me this now?" He remarked as the final chuckles left his mouth.

"Well, it is the truth…" She muttered as she interlaced her fingers together.

Katsuke turned her attention to the yukata her master had handed to her. She felt herself gag inside. The outfit was not flattering to the figure she was so proud of. She curled her lip at the sight and slight smell of the yukata. It had a slight musty scent to it; it was obvious that the garment had been kept inside Yamanami's closet for some time. The truth be thought, she hated the thought of herself looking unattractive in this outfit. But what choice did she have? With a loud gulp, Katsuke bit her lower lip and thanked her master for the outfit. Katsuke then took her finger and traced it across the surface of the fabric. She twitched again; it had not been worn in a while. It even felt old.

"It's kinda big don't ya think?" Katsuke's brow shuttered as she spoke softly in an attempt to please her new master.

"Yes, well, it has to be big." Yamanami sighed as he walked toward the girl, "To cover all of you. All your feminine sides."

"Oh…" Katsuke let out a loud long sigh as she looked away.

Perhaps this was a bad idea. Katsuke found herself suddenly having doubts, regrets. Was this the right road to travel? She looked back up at her master. She was searching for some sort of answer, any kind of positive outlook.

"Katsuke," Yamanami's voice calmed Katsuke's bothered spirit. "Is there a reason why you want to be a boy? For reasons other than joining the Shinsengumi?"

"I suppose you could say there are," Katsuke answered to her master with a low and depressing tone. "I just…I just never do anything right. As a woman that is." Katsuke then looked down toward her feet and let out another sigh. "Every time I try to be the woman my father wanted me to be, I failed. I can't cook anything without burning it, I can't do laundry, and I can't clean without making a bigger mess."

Yamanami looked down at his Page. He lifted his hand and gave her an encouraging pat on her shoulder. He then bent down so his eyes could meet her own. "Katsuke," He began with a soothing voice.

Katsuke looked up toward her master to see his heartening gaze. She could feel it; she could feel the words of encouragement and inspiration upon her. This would be the moment in which Yamanami, her master, would give her words so supportive and inspirational that it would give her the confidence to go out and make the best of this situation.

"You do realize that this job requires that you DO all that, right?"

Katsuke's mouth nearly dropped to the floor upon hearing her master's reply.

"Yes, Yamanami, I do."

"Then I'm sure that you get in some good practice!" Yamanami clapped his hands together in excitement. "Oh Katsuke, I did want you to do one more thing before you reintroduce yourself." Yamanami caught himself just before he sent Katsuke back out into the dojo.

Katsuke slouched over and let out an exaggerated sigh, "Yes?"

"I want you to dye your hair." Yamanami replied as he gently ran his fingers through Katsuke's brown hair.

"Dye it?" Katsuke narrowed her eyes in confusion, "What for?"

"Well," Yamanami pulled back his arm and closed his eyes as he began to explain himself, "If you want to restart your life here as my male Page, you should take on a new look, don't you think? I don't want anyone to recognize you."

"Why would that matter?" Katsuke asked in a suspicious tone, her eyes still narrowed.

"Just do as I ask, please." Yamanami was quick to cut Katsuke off with her questioning. "I will get some blackberries to dye your hair a darker shade. I know you won't mind."

"Not at all." Katsuke snarled a bit under her breath as she went along with her master's ideas. "I guess…"

Act End.