Mortification

By Nolitari

Disclaimer: I own not the Lord of the Rings nor Strawberry Shortcake. It was written to entertain myself, and hopefully someone else.

Happy Birthday, Ariel! I hope you enjoy this. I promise being a Sue while I write isn't that bad. Well, maybe it is.

o-o-o-o-o

Birthday gifts. They can be ever so enjoyable, or mortifying. As this putrid pink Strawberry Shortcake notebook was a birthday gift from Arwen. I hate this notebook. It's pink, for Valar's sake! But of course, I must use it so Arwen doesn't feel insulted. Touchy Elf-maidens and their fathers that happen to be my Lord...

Anyway, back to the point. Birthdays can be the most terrifying thing one can experience. I for one, get the scariest gifts out of all the inhabitants of Middle-earth. At least, that is what Rumil says, but he doesn't know anything. He is a Lothlorien Elf, after all. And the Lothlorien Elves aren't very smart.

Just don't tell Celeborn I said that.

Weeks before my own birthday, Elrond surprised me by saying the Fall festival fell on the day of my birthday. (How he remembered, I know not. Or why he cared, I know not.) He said that I would be providing the music. Finally, I had something to do. The monotony of Imladris was starting to take its toll on me.

Of course, all minstrels compose ballads and lays in the courtyards, which is where I was, innocently preparing music, doing nothing to provoke anything so horrid. I saw it. The horrid creature.

It was a tragedy had not happened for hundreds of years.

And it was a Mary-sue.

It brings back terrifying memories to even write that word down. Ah, but I must, for the younger generations to learn about my mortifying experience.

This Mary-sue was even more annoying than the one that was spotted and a few hundred years back. She hobbled on the leaf covered courtyards, groaning in what I suspected as pain. And it was even worse. She was coming in my direction!

Ah! No! Elrond's over there! Please, do go bother him. No one ever does!

"Lindir, My Love!" She shouted. I cringed. I knew that I was the next unfortunate victim. I knew that I could come out of this as an insane Elf. I knew that I most likely would end up in the healing wards with an unstable mind. Or I could be on a ship to Valinor, while in a straight jacket. The last Elf chosen for torture never came back. Even to today we wonder what happened to the unfortunate soul.

I started to panic once she came closer while declaring her love for me. Yet...there was something about her. Like how chocolate makes you feel all giddy inside. She was beautiful. Then it struck me. This was the thing that the Anti-Sue Team had warned us about hundreds of years ago before their organization was shut down by rabid Dwarves.

I wonder what the Dwarves had against the Anti-Sue Team. Was it because the Dwarves never got any Sues? (It was probably their hatred towards the Elves. I knew those... beings were never to be trusted.)

"Lindir! Darling! Don't leave me out here! Please! My name is Narielle, the daughter of Sauron and the Lady Galadriel!"

Now that, that right there was disturbing. I'm very sure Celeborn would be exteremly jealous, and I don't believe Elrond would be thrilled to have a dark lord as his father-in-law. What strange family reunions those would be.

"'Hello. You must be Elrond. You can just call me Pops. Sweetie here has told me many things about you. Especially the part about your ring...can I have it?'"

Very strange indeed. But we must not stray from the point. Ah, where was I?

Oh, yes. The Sue.

Screeching, I ran as fast as I could to the nearest door, hoping to lose the so-called 'Narielle' in the maze of hallways. Anyone could get lost in that bloody huge house.

It's my birthday soon. And this is what I get for a gift! What have I done to deserve so?

Apparently I had done many things. But mourning my wrong doings to deserve such a fate wasn't going to make the Sue disappear anytime soon.

Since it was near the festival, many Elves were putting up decorations. And it is not wise to run through the same corridors which they are preparing, for I ran straight into one Elf who was not in the best of moods...

"Lindir, you clumsy fool! Look at the mess you've made!"

I gasped for breath and looked into the face of an infuriated Erestor.

"You look as if there's a band of orcs chasing you." He said dryly. It might as well have been an orc.

"No...It's back again." I panted. Erestor looked at me, horrified.

"It...? You mean..."

"...The Sue."

"Oh, Valar! Not again! Where is it?" Panic started to appear on Erestor's face, as well as a few other Elves standing nearby, shrieking amongst themselves.

Then, we heard the none-too-distant voice of the Sue, saying, "Lindir, love! Come here my darling! I need you to play me some music so I can recover from the battle. You know, the one where I slew a great multitude of Orcs with my perished step-brother's," (here she sniffled a bit, for added effect) "sword, with no knowledge of swordsmanship whatsoever. Then I hiked for fifty miles until I stumbled upon this lovely little valley -- and you, Lindir, my love."

With every word she came closer, and with every word spoken out of her evil mouth, we took a step back, until she appeared around a corner, bandaged, bleeding, and miserable looking, yet maintaining her beauty. Oh, I wanted to help her so bad. But I knew that I shouldn't. I couldn't. I mustn't!

So I ran instead, as did the other Elves. The Sue started to hobble faster. For an injured Elf-maiden, or so she seemed an Elf-maiden, she could limp quickly. That made me doubt if she was even injured at all.

"IT'S A MARY SUE! SCATTER --" Erestor's warning was cut short when he collapsed to the ground, just as the other few Elves had run off in opposite directions. The bloody Sue had just hit Erestor in the back of the head with a pot that was so conveniently lying nearby. Grinning in satisfaction, while I gaped in shock, Narielle turned at me and looked at me with a somewhat evil grin.

"Hello, Lindir." She said. "Why do you run from me? Am I that horrible?"

Narielle started to break down in tears when I said she was. She had finally gotten to me.

"Don't worry, love," A part of me screamed to sock her and run away, but the other said the opposite. "You're not horrible at all."

Valar save me.

o-o-o-o-o

Hours had gone by.

Elrond was busy with preparations for the festival, so his eldest son was the unlucky one to treat Narielle's superficial 'battle' wounds. She was on the other side of the heavy curtain, waiting for Elladan.

"Lindir, don't get too close to…it." said Elladan in a low voice while trying to untangle a roll of bandages from the arm of a chair; which was probably Estel's doing. "You know what happened to the other Elf. I don't think you want to be the next victim to a horrid fate."

"Why not? She's not like the other one at all. Not at all."

Elladan looked up at me, obviously horrified, for he dropped the bandages that he had so far rolled up. "Lindir, no!" he exclaimed. "You're falling under its spell!"

I remember giggling a young Elf-maiden, then saying, "Silly Elladan! How can such a beautiful maiden cast spells? She's too kind. Isn't she just wonderful?"

Elladan grabbed my shoulders and shoved me into the bandage-clad chair. "Don't you move!" said he in a threatening tone. I didn't hear him. Instead I was grinning from ear to ear, thinking of how breathtaking Narielle was.

If I was in a correct state of mind, I probably would have heard Elladan mutter, "I'm going to get my father," as he walked off with all speed to Lord Elrond's study. Then I probably would have realized that my next outfit would have a straight jacket included.

Apparently Narielle was getting impatient, for she poked her head through the curtains. "Lindir, love, why isn't that handsome Elladan treating my grievous wounds? I'm suffering here!"

Immediately I jumped to my feet. "You are in pain? Need I go get a healer?" I asked frantically as I made her sit on a sofa.

"Oh, no, my love. But will you sing me a song? Play me something on one of your instruments?" asked Narielle in a pained voice. How could I resist? She seemed to be so tormented by pain…

One song won't hurt.

So I sang to her. It went something like this.

My heart is locked,
And you hold the key.
Many roads have I walked,
An idle word wasted, an empty sea
Of no belonging...Until you.
Is this your way? To capture me?
The way you tore my heart in two,
Maybe never to be healed,
I shall never regret, though I suffer.
Your beauty and your strength you wield,
So I love you, I am your lover.

Every time I re-read that, I gag and think unhappy thoughts of my experience. Remembering her falling asleep with a smile on her face is something I wish to forget.

o-o-o-o-o

Author's Notes: The sappy love ballad Lindir sang to the Sue was written by my dear friend, Lindele. Thank you, mellon-nin!