Title: You're Reading What?
Rating: 90 of the fic is safe for teens but there is a tiny mention of male reproductive organs in suggestive manner that is Mature.
Genre/Pairing: Humor and Gen with a little Cadman/Beckett and Sheppard/Weir.
Spoilers: though Duet
Summary: "Colonel, if I had known you were this desperate for reading material, I would have lent you one of my scientific journals."
A/N: Thanks to kate98 for the amazing beta. This started out as a comment!fic but with her help and prompting it grew into its very own story.

Please see the note at the end for information regarding the book discussed in this story.

Rodney walked into the mess hall and looked around for Colonel Sheppard; he needed a break from Kavanaugh, and John was always amusing. John hadn't been in any of his usual haunts, so Rodney figured he would try the mess, besides he was hungry. Rodney saw John sitting with his back to door reading something at one of the tables.

Rodney walked up to John's table. "John, what are you reading? That doesn't look like War & Peace." John was so absorbed in the book he didn't hear Rodney approach and jumped at the sound of Rodney's voice.

"Atlantis to Sheppard, what are you reading?" Rodney repeated as he reached for John's book so he could read the title.

John, now aware of who was talking to him and what he was trying to do, yanked the book from the table and sat on it. "What are you talking about! Reading? I'm not reading anything. You must have thought these reports were a book." John waved his hand at the reports stacked to the left of him.

"Colonel, I am not Zelenka, those tricks will not work with me. Now give over, what were you reading?" Rodney looked as if he was willing to tackle John to get the book away from him.

"Nothing, Rodney . . . ow OW, OUCH Rodney STOP! Don't pull the hair, fine, fine, fine, here." John pulled the book out from under him and handed it to Rodney.

"The Stud! you're reading a romance novel?" Rodney gave John an incredulous look.

"What?" John looked at Rodney innocently. "War and Peace was getting boring, so I asked around for a new book and Cadman lent this to me."

"Colonel, if I had known you were this desperate for reading material, I would have lent you one of my scientific journals. How can you read this drivel?" Rodney rolled his eyes at John and began speaking in a falsetto tone. "Silently, she stared at his engorged manliness, hoping he wouldn't see the desire in her eyes. She didn't want to want him this much, but one look at his pulsating manhood and she was lost." Rodney closed the book and put it in his back pocket.

"Rodney! I have to give that back to Cadman! Hey! Give it back." John started reaching around Rodney for the book.

"Nope, sorry, I think I'm going to have to keep this for your own safety." Rodney started to walk out of the mess and John started following him. Rodney was almost to the door he turned back and looked John. "Oh, and John? I wouldn't suggest following me or trying to get this back. I know how to remove the hot water crystals in your shower." And with that Rodney walked out of the mess hall. With John's book.

After Rodney left the mess he started back towards the lab. He figured he should drop the book back at his quarters before he went back to work. He wouldn't want Kavanaugh getting any ideas.

Rodney, being the multitasker that he was, decided he would read a bit of the book as he was walking down the hallway. He got so engrossed in the "plot" that he didn't see Elizabeth and walked smack into her.

Elizabeth gave Rodney a sharp look. "Rodney! What are you reading that is so fascinating that it caused you to run into me?"

Rodney looked around anxiously and tried to hide the book behind his back. "Reading? uh, it's just a book I borrowed from Colonel Sheppard, nothing important, just a little light reading."

"Right, such light reading that you walked right into me and are now trying to hide it from me. Let me see that." Elizabeth gave Rodney her best 'don't mess with me' look.

"Really, Elizabeth, there is no need. It's just a simple fiction book, nothing important at all. Really, I need to get back to the lab." Rodney started to walk away but Elizabeth grabbed Rodney's arm and snatched the book out of his hand.

"The STUD! You did not get this book from Colonel Sheppard!" Elizabeth gave Rodney an assessing look. "I didn't know you were into romance novels."

"I'm NOT! John was reading it in the mess and I was able to sneak up on him because he was so involved in the book. I figured it wasn't a good thing to have our military commander so distracted by something that I could sneak up on him, so I confiscated it." Rodney gave Elizabeth his best innocent look.

"Well then by that logic, if the same book has our head scientist so engrossed he walks into people, I should really take it from you." And with that Elizabeth walked off with Rodney's book.

Elizabeth decided she should take a detour to her quarters before heading back to her office. She didn't really want to be seen walking around with a copy of The Stud. As she was walking, she decided she really needed to see what was so good about a book that it engrossed both Colonel Sheppard (allegedly) and Rodney.

It only took Elizabeth a few minutes to pick up on the plot. This isn't so bad, she thought to herself as she made her way down the hall. A single woman wants a baby but doesn't want to go to the sperm bank, so she asks her best friend's hot older brother to donate, except he will only do it the 'old-fashioned way.' Elizabeth started getting so absorbed in the author's description of the 'old-fashioned way' of making babies she didn't see the 10,000-year-old dead plant that had been left in the hallway.

Major Lorne saw Dr. Weir about to trip but was too far away to catch her before she fell over the plant. She took a hard smack to her head and Major Lorne immediately called for Dr. Beckett. He also saw a book in Dr. Weir's hand. Her hand was gripping it so tight he couldn't see the title. He was about to try and remove it when Dr. Beckett showed up.

Dr. Beckett turned to Major Lorne as he started assessing Elizabeth's condition. "What happened here?"

"I'm not entirely sure, sir. Dr. Weir was so involved in that book she's holding, she didn't see the plant and tripped head first over it. She smacked her head into the wall pretty hard."

Using a helpful ancient device Dr. Zelenka had discovered the week before, Dr. Beckett quickly ascertained that Elizabeth had no broken bones. He gently lifted her eyelids and checked for a pupil response. When everything checked out okay he turned to the medics who had accompanied him. "Well, lads, let's get her up on the gurney and into infirmary. I want to do a cat scan and a full workup to make sure she's okay." Carson grabbed the book from Elizabeth's hand and put it into his pocket.

As the med techs lifted Elizabeth up to put her on the gurney she started to stir. "Carson? What's going on? I think I hit my head." Elizabeth looked groggily at Dr. Beckett.

"Aye, lass, that you did. You were so wrapped up in your novel, you tripped over one of the dead trees. We're just gonna take you to the infirmary for a few tests and make sure you don't have a concussion." Carson patted Elizabeth on the shoulder and followed the gurney into the infirmary. On the way, he decided to pull the book out of his pocket, just to see what had gotten the lass so engrossed she tripped over a plant.

The Stud! That doesn't seem like Elizabeth's typical reading material. Well, obviously it means a lot to the lass; I'll just put it in my office and give it back to her later when no one is around.

When they arrived at the infirmary Dr. Beckett started giving orders for tests and treatments. Elizabeth tried to protest that it was unnecessary but Carson insisted. Just as Carson had finished all the tests and was explaining to Elizabeth that she needed to stay overnight because she was suffering from a mild concussion, Lieutenant Cadman and Colonel Sheppard came into the infirmary.

Lieutenant Cadman headed into Carson's office and John walked over to Carson and Elizabeth. "Hey, Doc. I heard Elizabeth tripped over a plant, I just stopped in to see how she was doing." John directed his question to Carson and looked at Elizabeth with concern.

Elizabeth glared back at him and Dr. Beckett. "She is fine and ready to go back to her own quarters, thank you very much."

"Now, lass, that was quite a bump you took to your head. I can't let you out of here unless someone is willing to sit in with you and wake you up at periodic intervals." Carson met Elizabeth's glare with his own steady stare.

John looked between Carson and Elizabeth. "I'll keep her company, doc. No offense to you, but I get the whole not wanting to spend extra time in here. I don't mind helping Dr. Weir out. I'm off duty anyway."

Elizabeth flashed John a grateful look. Carson gave John instructions for Elizabeth's care and told him what signs to look for and to call if he needed anything.

John helped Elizabeth up off the bed and put his arm around her for support. "Come on, Elizabeth, I'll help you back and make sure we avoid those 10,000-year-old plants. They really can jump up and suddenly attack you. I mean, maybe I should put out an emergency alert bulletin warning every one of their dangers."

Carson watched while Elizabeth smacked John on the back of the head; they headed into the hall, laughing. Right after they left, Carson realized he still had Elizabeth's book in his office. He decided he'd better go get it and run after them – he didn't think Elizabeth would want that book floating around Atlantis.

Carson headed into his office and he saw Lieutenant Cadman sitting on his desk thumbing through The Stud. She looked up when Carson walked in and closed the door.

"How did you get my book?"

"Your book? Dr. Weir was reading this when she tripped over the tree in the hallway. I was just coming in to get it so I could give it back to her." Carson sat down on the desk next to Laura.

Laura tapped the book on the desk and gave Carson a confused look. "I lent it Colonel Sheppard. I wonder how Dr. Weir got it."

Carson contemplated her question for a moment. "I suppose he could have lent it to her, but I don't see why."

Laura winked at Carson and gave him an impish grin. "Maybe he was trying to give her ideas?"

Carson took the book out of Laura's hand and set it down on the desk behind them. "Let's not worry about it, love; we don't need a book to help us out."

Laura slid off the desk and into Carson's arms. "Well, now that you bring it up, there was this one chapter that was particularly – oomph!" Carson pulled Laura tighter into his arms and shut her up – with a kiss that he didn't need any romance novel to show him how to do.

Note
The Stud really is a novel by Barbara Delinsky. While the basic plot outline given is taken from actual novel, the line read by Rodney is the product of a discussion with kate98 and futma.