Author/Banshee Queen: "Hello fellow Lotringers, just a quick note on what this fanfic is about. Basically, all our favourite characters; Aragorn, Arwen, Frodo, Legolas, Gimli (all Elves, Men, Dwarves & Hobbits included) are all put into rehab by their parents/legal guardians after having one too many parties after the War of the Ring which involved one too many naughty situations...anyway, as the chapters go on they'll be longer & the humour way more hilarious.

WARNING: This fanfic contains, in this chapter (& future chapters) swearing, adult themes, sexual references & violence.

So don't say I didn't warn you!

Disclaimer: "I don't own any of the Lotr characters, they all belong to J.R.R Tolkien...a legend in his own." :D

Middle-Earth Gang Goes To Rehab

Chapter 1: Wake Up Bag-Shot Row!

As by Banshee Queen.

It was 7:30am in the Shire when the heroes, losers and damsels in distresses of Middle-Earth were waking up to a most memorable morning on a lovely springtime's sunrise.

After the War of the Ring the bad guys had been vanquished, the good guys had been reunited and lived happily ever after. Good guys: zip. Bad guys: oh literally thousands lost. All those remaining in Middle-Earth and all those who were involved in the War of the Ring indeed were all reunited again and celebrated with a party in Minas Tirith…and then another and another…and another.

Indeed this disturbing behaviour continued on for two weeks, and seeing as they're children were slowly slipping deeper and deeper into this chaotic behaviour, the parents and legal guardians of our Middle-Earth heroes, losers and damsels in distresses came together and sought to resolve the problem by carting off their children to the merry old Shire. In some sense they were being rehabilitated and it was here that they would begin their journey on the road to recovery, discarding their wild party habits, among them smoking and drinking. All boarding a bus they were to be taken to the many famous locations/houses etc. of Middle-Earth and it was in Mordor where they would end their journey.

In the Bag End kitchen Aragorn sat sipping a mug of coffee, he along with his other 18 or so fellow rehabilitants; were none too happy about the situation they now found themselves in and all protested once the idea was suggested to them. However, they failed, miserably to add matter of factly and before they could utter a single syllable more, they had stepped off the 'rehab bus' which just so happened to have 'Middle Earth Rehabilitation Centre' written in large bold black letters on its side.

A deep sigh escaped the Ranger's lips. In his boredom he had picked up the morning paper The Shire Times and skimming over it with little interest had been surprised when Eomer walked in rubbing the sleep from his eyes. Abruptly he hit a low ceiling beam, cursing and stamping his feat in anger. A smug grin had suddenly appeared on the Ranger's rough features as he looked up at his friend with amusement.

"Rough night?"

Eomer frowned at Aragorn, scratching his head once seating himself at the low kitchen table. The very low kitchen table.

"Don't even go there dude, stayed up till' 3am listening to Legolas and Haldir swap beauty tips. Then I hear Elrohir in the next room lecturing Elladan and Amras on chucking around a footy. And I'm not even gonna' go into the issue of the comfortable hobbit mattress I was tossing and turning on."

Aragorn laughed despite the stinging pain growing on his tongue. He had been all too eager what with the smell of his freshly roasted coffee wafting from the kettle and had burned his tongue in the hurried process of 'savouring the flavour'.

"Funny, I didn't hear anything and I slept like a log."

Eomer grumbled under his breath.

"Yeah well lets remember that you're used to all this…smallness."

A shocked look painted Aragorn's features.

"I can't believe you would say somethin' like that dude, I thought you were comfortable with my sexuality."

The two erupted with laughter, Aragorn in mid-laugh falling off his chair.

"Hey is there anything in Frodo's pantry worth eating?" Asked Eomer as he made his way into the hobbit's stocked larder.

"Yeah I saw some cakes there or something before, there should be though. These hobbits eat like there's no tomorrow."

"Ha ha ha, no doubt about that bro."

Shortly after Gimli walked into the kitchen grumbling to himself, all the while unaware of the fact that he had no shirt on. Aragorn briefly raised his head from the table, more interested in his cup of coffee.

"Hey there Gimli Son of Groin want some coff- Aragorn choked as his eyes fell on the dwarf.

"Shove off Isildur's bane, I need my oat-bran."

Aragorn goggled in disbelief and disgust at the sight before him, while Eomer who was concentrating more on the beams above his head, walked out of the larder with a bowl of cereal and glass of orange juice. They both shattered on the floor once his eyes fell on Gimli. Repulsed, the Rohirrim Prince attempted to shield his eyes.

"Sweet mother of the Valar! Dude, remember the shirt rule?"

Gimli turned his back on the two mortals (his hairy back to add) and without a word made his way back to his room located down the endless hall of Bag End. Eomer shuddered heavily as he proceeded to clean up the mess on the floor.

"Dude have you ever seen something as grotesque as that?"

Aragorn quickly shook his head, eyes still bulging with the memory of the disturbing image he tried blocking from his mind.

"Never, grotesque as that."

At that moment two small blurs bounded through the hallway, one jumping up to ruffle Aragorn's shaggy head of hair.

"Still not King?" Merry questioned sarcastically as he pouted adorably.

"Still not King? What the fuck Merry? Have you been at the coffee beans again?" Aragorn replied as he pushed the hobbit out of his face.

"No, but I see you have, man you need a tic-tac." The hobbit exclaimed as he waved a hand in front of his face.

"Whatever…"

Sniggering could be heard from the floor as Eomer cleaned up the last of the mess. Amras, a newcomer Elf also 'invited' to the Middle-Earth tour program, yawned as he walked into the kitchen. With a cheeky smile on his face, Eomer continued.

"Hey where'd Pippin get to? I hear he's in desperate need of a shower…"

"Yeah that's what I heard." Amras said, joining the conversation.

A shaggy head of ash blonde hair popped up from behind the counter, Fruit-loops falling from the hobbit's mouth.

"I do not!"

Eomer sighed, shoulders sagging as he rolled his eyes. Aragorn and Amras watched on in amusement, smiles widening.

"Look Pippin no one is in the mood for the shit you're gonna' dish out today and no one I know of ever was in the mood for the shit you've dealt out so shut up and listen. Just because you're a hobbit who doesn't wear shoes and rarely washes, doesn't mean you can go around stinking out the place with your…personal essence. Get your ass in that bathroom right now and wash!"

Amras nudged Aragorn in the ribs, the two sharing a grin as they saw a frown pinch the hobbit's tiny features.

"Wash this." Pippin said holding up his index finger towards Eomer's direction.

"Oooo harsh Pippin, harsh." Aragorn said as he scraped back his chair from the table.

Eomer merely shrugged his shoulders as a devilish smile reached his lips. There was something wrong about that smile, Aragorn knew behind that façade there was something planned. Eomer was never really a gentle guy, except maybe with girls, but now that he was calmly stirring the tea in his mug…who knew? He knew for sure his friend had something planned.

"Meh no need to worry, he'll get his own back." Eomer calmly said as he winked at Aragorn.

"How?" Puzzled Aragorn as he frowned at his friend. Amras too was smiling over the fridge door.

Eomer laughed before beginning again.

"Like this." The Rohirrim Prince said, holding up Pippin's Halo game.

Amras and Aragorn watched on in amusement as the hobbit's eyes widened in horror.

"Mine mine mine!" Screamed Pippin as he climbed over the counter and launched himself at Eomer.

"Suck shit Pippin!" Yelled Aragorn as he and Amras both exploded with laughter, both clutching their stomachs at the sight unfolding before them.

Though before Aragorn could contain his laughter any further, Merry jumped over the table and launched himself onto Aragorn's head.

Now it was Amras who sat back and continued to laugh at the two of them.

"What the hell?" Exclaimed Eomer as he tried prying the hobbit of his face. "What is this? Raining hobbits? Amras! A little help needed!"

"Well I would, but I gotta' little prank that needs checking up on. Be right back." Called Amras as he started off down the hall.

"Oh man." Groaned Eomer.

"Yeah well you know," strained Aragorn who was still battling to pull Merry off his head, "they get pretty defensive over their games."

Suddenly Pippin jumped off Eomer as he held aloft his wicked prize.

"I got it Merry! Ha ha! We're the conquerors!"

The two mortals frowned at the little freaks whilst smoothing their shirts.

"Woot woo! Hey that reminds me Pippin, have you played Conquers Bad Fur Day? It's on Nintendo."

"Oh man you can't be serious?" Questioned Aragorn disbelievingly.

Pippin had not seemed to notice, he was actually thinking.

"No I haven't, we'll have to rent it out next time we go to Blockbuster."

The two hobbits bounded off back down the hallway in the direction they came.

"They always do that?" Asked Aragorn, a frown still splayed across his face.

"Pretty much."

Gimli in the meantime had walked back into the kitchen with a shirt on and had started searching through the endless cupboards of the hobbit's kitchen grumbling all the while. Behind his back Eomer and Aragorn were trying hard not to laugh and failing miserably.

"Goddamit where's my cereal!"

Barely containing his glee Eomer answered him.

"I think one of those Shire-rats must've taken it."

A growl could be heard by Gimli as he grumbled to himself again. A shout could be heard from the hallway as Merry's voice echoed down the hallway, followed by some angry protests for more quiet.

"Hey! We're not Shire-rats!"

Another voice echoed his statement.

"Yeah! We're- The echo came to a halt. "What are we again Merry?"

An exaggerated sigh echoed down the hallway.

"Hobbits Pippin."

"I'm bettin' Sam took it to 'Mr Frodooooo'." Pippin said in a sarcastic tone.

The two mortals in the kitchen overhearing couldn't help but snigger and neither could the two hobbits down the hall.

"That potato-head inbred!" Began Gimli, clearly on a rage. "He knows if I don't have my cereal I won't be able to…to…"

"You were about to say Gimli?" Aragorn asked batting his eyelashes at the dwarf.

"Never mind." The dwarf grumbled as he made his way down the hall. "Samwise Gamgee, you've got till' three, if you don't give my cereal back I'll personally make sure you'll never see another potato patch in your life!"

The two mortals both shook their heads, smiling widely.

"Aaah good ol' Gimli." Sighed Aragorn.

"No no no, more like hairy ol' Gimli." Corrected Eomer with a grin.

"Dude no! Ewww!" Aragorn said as he shoved the Rohirrim Prince into a wall.

The two had made their way down the hall, intending to explore more of the famous 'Bag End' they had heard so much about. Before Eomer could complain about the quality of his third piece of cake, arguing could be heard from down the end of the hall.

"I know you took it! Who else would?"

Both mortals groaned. They knew whose voice that belonged to. Aragorn had described the person it belonged to as beautiful…and unforgivable.

"Why the hell would I take your stupid Pantene Arwen? I've got my own anyway! Pro V!"

And from the sounds of things, the Elf had just started a war with another certain Elf. This time though, a smile lit up Aragorn's face. Since the day they had first met his mother had told him he would make good friends with Legolas Prince of Mirkwood, son of King Thranduil, but he had thought otherwise once making the Elf's acquaintance. For one thing, he cared too much about his hair and what kind of hair product he was using while Aragorn on the other hand, preferred not to use any hair care products and preferred to let his hair grow wild and untamed, no matter how long, annoying and disgusting it may have looked to others. But escaping from the horrific memory Aragorn was confronted by an all too familiar earful.

"Oh yeah? Who's the one always worrying about their hair huh?"

"You!"

"Ehhhh wrong! You Legolas! And I'm gonna prove it!"

Aragorn and Eomer who had been invisible the whole time watched on in amusement. Arwen pushed past the other Elf, not getting very far in the process. It was then that the two mortals noticed Arwen was dripping wet with an undersized towel wrapped around her. Nudging each other in the sides, they both grinned.

"Oh no you don't! You're not going anywhere near my room, or my hair products!" Screamed the Elf as he attempted to block the doorway with his 'body mass'.

"Try me!"

"Ok guys- I mean girls, what seems to be the problem here?" Aragorn questioned joining the vipers nest.

Both mortals sniggered, unaware of the evil eye Legolas was pressing on both of them.

"He stole my Pantene!" Screamed Arwen, pointing a finger like a pistol at Legolas.

Eomer looked puzzled.

"Pantene?"

"Shampoo idiot." The Elf replied now casting the evil eye at Eomer.

"Oh. Hey no need to get all touchy about it."

"I'm not, but if you two washed your hair more often you would know what I'm talking about!"

Eomer and Aragorn looked at each other in horror, both voicing the same thoughts at the same time:

"We wash our hair!"

Legolas and Arwen looked at each other and both laughed, clutching each other at the shoulders for support. Both mortal's mouths hung open in disbelief.

"Ok dude, is it me, or weren't those two just fighting a second ago?"

"Yeah, they were." Aragorn said, voice barely a whisper. He still couldn't believe it.

"You wash?" Giggled Legolas almost alike to Arwen's laugh.

"Yes." The two said in unison.

"How often?" Legolas questioned.

Aragorn unconsciously rolled his eyes, suddenly tugging at the ends of his shirt.

"Most days…but we do wash."

Arwen smirked.

"Yeah right. Aragorn look, how can you expect to have a relationship with me if you don't even properly groom yourself? I mean look at your stubble! Who in Manwe's name would want to kiss that?"

A cough was heard from a nearby room as Boromir strode out and joined the conversation.

"Some people just don't know rugged handsomeness when they see it." He said innocently as he flexed his muscles.

Arwen shot a dangerous glare at Boromir.

"Watch it Daddy's boy, or that 'Horn of Gondor' will be shoved up some place where the sun don't shine."

"Oooooooo!" Aragorn and Eomer said in unison.

By now the whole of Bag End had woken up and Eowyn rubbing the sleep from her eyes, too joined the conversation.

"I so agree, I mean the whole manly-unwashed look was in like what? The Second Age? Not happening honey, this is the Fourth Age!" Said Legolas, who clearly was not finished in their debate of appearances.

"Pfft. Well what about your girly braids and plaits? That whole peroxide straightened look was never in!" Shot back Aragorn. Everyone knew Aragorn was passionate about his stubble, and everyone knew well then better to comment on how terrible it might have looked.

Arwen, Eowyn and Legolas all gasped.

"I'm going to tell Daddy!" Arwen shouted, stamping her bare feet on the floor, fists clenched by her sides.

"Go ahead Evening Mol-

Just at that moment Frodo and Haldir appeared out of their room's, eyes wide at Aragorn's remark. Obviously the debate wasn't going as smoothly as they had hoped for, and Aragorn hadn't done a very good job in smoothing things over between Arwen and Legolas' argument about who stole who's shampoo. Eomer seeing his sisters arms crossed beneath her breasts made to slowly back away.

"You know what? I just remembered I had some washing up that needs doing so I'll just-

"Oh no you don't!" Eowyn screeched roughly grabbing Eomer by his shirt.

"Oww Eowyn that-

"Do you know how much sleep I got last night? Three hours! I spent all night listening to you and your stupid mates tossing around that stupid football which was rebounding off the walls so loudly you could wake up the whole of Bag-Shot Row!"

Haldir and Legolas sniggered. Eomer looked scared, almost as if he would shit himself right then and there.

"You are gonna' pay for this Eomer! How will I be able to do cheerleading today with these bags under my eyes?"

"You don't have any cheerleading Eowyn! We're in the Shire! On a friggin' Middle-Earth tour! In bloody rehab!"

"I," Eowyn began raising a finger, "oh…" She ended sheepishly. After a moment her cheeks grew hot with anger. "What about the bags under my eyes Eomer?"

Every male standing by didn't need to know where this was going…a kick in the balls would've done it. And they were suddenly, without knowing it clutching their family jewels protectively.

"Don't worry, I've got some foundation that'll cover that up. Come with me." Arwen said taking her friend gently by the shoulders.

Both girls glared at Aragorn and Eomer before the door of the bathroom was slammed in their faces.

All but Legolas and Haldir let out a heavy sigh. Every male in the Middle-Earth gang knew better than to anger the girls, any girl for that matter.

"You know, I'm starting to have second thoughts on having a girlfriend, let alone her." Stated Aragorn. They all nodded in unison. "God its always about her! Wash your hair Aragorn! Watch the dress Aragorn! Make me Queen Aragorn!" Aragorn said imitating Arwen's voice in a high pitched tone. "Can you imagine when we're married and she's Queen?" He shuddered. "How could I live with that?"

Haldir looked puzzled.

"How do you know you guys are gonna' be married?"

"Meh Elrond forswore it or something."

"Ohhhh." Awed Eomer and Haldir.

"So guys what's on the agenda today?" Said Faramir around a mouthful of a croissant as he joined the conversation.

"Well actually- began Eomer, but was cut off by Legolas.

"I was thinking of getting some highlights! What do you think? Sunshine Blonde or Ash Blonde?"

All three mortals raised their eyebrows at the Elf's remark.

"Dude, what makes you think we even care?" Said Faramir. "Either way Legolas you're still blonde, will always be blonde, and no matter what colour you dye your hair you will always in our eyes be a blonde dumbass!"

"You're so cruel!" Whimpered Legolas as he ran off crying.

"Ha, what a wimp." Laughed Eomer.

"You're tellin' me." Faramir replied. "Hey I don't know about you guys but I'm gonna' go get some brekky."

"Didn't I just see you with a croissant a minute ago dude?" Questioned Aragorn, feeling a little puzzled.

"Yeah, so? That was just a little starter for me." Replied Faramir.

"Ok, meant no offense." Apologized Aragorn.

"Well we've already had ours but second breakfast sounds good to me!" Grinned Eomer.

"Me too!" Shouted Pippin as he ran past the trio.

Aragorn smiled as he clapped Faramir on the back. Breakfast was definitely going to be interesting what with the girls and all.