'ey up, chaps! Soz it's been a while since last you had a fic' from me, but what with a combination of school, Writer's Block and just plain laziness, you can sorta see why. But I've managed to coax my muse out from its hiding place under the fridge and bring forth a little oneshot to prove that I am actually still alive. XP

The subject of today's little tale is none other than the king of cowards on Planet Mobius - SatAM's dear old Antoine! Sure, he could be grating at certain times (namely those double-eps ¬¬), but I still found him an interesting and amusing character. His mangling of the English language never fails to make me raise a smile and he's scarily a bit like me sans the accent. XD

Anyways, let's get on with our short. All characters belong to Sega, DiC etc...

"Zis Boy"

by Professor Reginald Fortesque Vengeance (Esquire)

Antoine Depardieu was a klutz. There wasn't a single person in Knothole who'd deny that statement. Some said he was born unlucky, others said he was just stupid and a minority even believed he was under some sort of gypsy curse. But these people could all agree on one thing - whatever Antoine did, an accident in some shape or form was bound to accompany it.

Take today, for instance. It was late afternoon in the village and Sonic the Hedgehog was drawing a large crowd atop a hill, showing off a few of his specialist moves for their entertainment. Leaps, whirls and the ever-popular Spin Dash kept his audience captivated. Even Princess Sally, who generally considered this behaviour of his as a tad big-headed, couldn't help joining in with polite applause.

Antoine was sitting nearby, polishing his sword with a distaneful look on his fate. He couldn't stand it whenever Sonic put on one of his displays. All that noise and attention for a few forward rolls? Madness, in his opinion.

"A-thank you, thank you!" he heard the hedgehog announce, "And for my next trick..." There followed the sound of a buzzsaw and more cheering.

Curious and no longer able to concentrate, Antoine finally got up and pushed his way to the front of the crowd ("Excusè moi! Member of ze Royal Guard approaching!"). There, he saw Sonic, admiring the bush he'd just carved into the shape of a swan.

"Zis is 'ow you are spending your training time?" the coyote scoffed, "Vith ze bush-sculpteeng? Hah! Do not be making me laugh!"

"You can't really talk about wastin' practices, Ant", grinned Sonic, "When was the last time you stopped shinin' that blade and actually used it to...oh, I don't know...fight with?"

"You are wanteeng to see a true warriour, 'edge'og?" the trainee guard demanded, "Zen, stand aside!" He gave Sally a roguish wink and as Sonic backed off, withdrew his sword.

Unfortunately, it turned out Antoine had spent a bit too much time polishing his gleaming weapon. As he yanked it from his belt,the bladesuddenly slipped out of his hand straight into the air. Afraid it was about to impale him, the coyotehopped backwards with a squeal and tumbled into a nearby thorn bush. He leapt back out positively howling, tripped over his own boots and ended up rolling down the hill, only stopping when he crashed into a tree at the bottom. And as if to cap it off, a pinecone fell from one of the branches and bounced off his head.

The sound of laughter began to spread round the crowd when they saw he had somehow survived. Indeed, Sonic was verging on hysterics, pounding the ground with his fists as Antoine got gingerly to his feet.

"I am not finding zis amooseeng!" he snapped, scaring off a few of the moreconcerned people approaching him. He gave Sonic a furious look, turned on his heel and half-marched, half-limped away into the forest, his snout held high.

The excitement over, the crowd dispersed and the people returned to their affairs, leaving Sally alone with the hero of Mobius. Who was still laughing his head off.

"That wasn't funny, Sonic!" she scolded. But Sonic was barely able to reply over his giggles and rolled onto his side, clutching his aching sides as the Princess bore over him disapprovingly.

Thus, neither noticed a member of the crowd break away and sneak off into the forest as well.

"OW! Zos unappreciateev fuels! AAGH! Vat do ze - AAA! - v-vat do ze see in zat uncul - AHOWIE! - uncultured eediot? YAHAH!"

Having escaped from the humiliation of the crowd, Antoine had retreated to the Ring Pool and was now sitting on a log by the water's edge, trying to remove all the thorns still jagging into him. Considering his pain threshold was thinner than wettissue paper, it wasn't exactly a fun task.

"Vat vas I thinkeeng?" he muttered to himself, "I should have been knowing sometheeng wou -"

"Hey there, sugah."

Antoine squeaked and nearly fell off the log. He whirled his head around and noticed Bunnie Rabbot approaching, the steel of her legs and left arm glinting slightly in the afternoon sun.

"Ah saw what happened on the hill", she explained, "You feelin' OK?"

"Oh, oui, oui", replied the coyote in what he felt was a cheerful voice, "Everythink is being dunky-hory vith me!"

"Y'all meanin' 'hunky-dory'?" she giggled as she took a seat beside him.

"Oui, zat as well", he replied absent-mindedly and plucked out another thorn with a yelp. There were only a few left now, but they were becoming increasingly harder for him to reach. For a moment, his arms flailed madly in an attempt to brush them off his back. To no avail.

"Here, let me", offered Bunnie and carefully pulled out the remaining spikes for him, a girlish squeal accompanying each one's removal.

"AAAGH! Z-zank you, BunniEE-EEEE! Z-z-zis is most appreciateeEEEd!"

"There we go, sugah!" the hare announced brightly, "Last one out! That feel better?"

"O-oui", said Antoine, still twitching slightly as the stinging started to leave him, "Z-zank you a-g-gain, Bunnie."

"Well, it's mah pleasure, hon' ", she smiled and gave him a playful nudge in the arm with her metallic fist. The coyote weakly returned the gesture and turned his attention to the Pool with a sigh. "Antoine, don' let it get to ya", she said kindly, "They'll all forget about it in a few days."

"...ven I do sometheenk else fuelish", he mumbled and lazily threw a pebble into the water. "Eet ees not being fair", he went on, "Everytime I am trying to impress Zally, eet blows up in my face like ze grenade, but ven Sonique does sometheeng, she is all over 'im. I am one year older zan 'ee is! I am knoweeng ze Preenzess just as long as 'im! I am 'er personal Guard for goodnezz zake! But does eet matter? Hah!" He sighed again and hung his head. "I am being ze useless coward."

"Hey, now, come on!" said Bunnie firmly, "That ain't true and you know it."

"But eet eez", the coyote replied, "Nothink is ever workeeng for moi. I am having no porpoise in life."

"...um...'purpose', Antoine?"

"You see?" he growled in frustration, "I cannot even speak ze language properly!" He buried his face into his hands for a moment to compose himself and raised his head a little. "My father, 'ee vas ze one 'oo began teaching me - Muzzer mainly just used 'er nateeve tongue. 'ee said 'ee was going to make me ze grandest of all ze Royal Guards. Zat vith my masterings of Engleesh, I could be as succezzful as 'ee vas. Live up to ze family name...b-before..."

He broke off uncomfortably. General Depardieu was one of the first people forced into Dr Robotnik's army of machines.

"If only 'ee could see me now...", he muttered darkly, "...and see vat a disappointeeng I've become..." Gloomily, he hung his head.

Just as he felt a furry handtake hold ofhis own.

With a small jump, Antoine looked up and saw Bunnie smiling kindly towards him as her grip tightened.

"Now y'all start listenin' to me", the hare said softly, "Ah've known you since we were all in kindergarten and ah think you're one a' the sweetest guys ah've ever met. You're thoughtful, romantic an' when yer mind's on somethin', you stick to it, no matter what. An' ya can't say that about a lot a' men", she added with a chuckle.

"B-but...I-I am ze c-c-coward", flustered Antoine, starting to feel a little embarrassed about himself.

"Coward, mah metal foot!" replied Bunnie, "It isn't always Sonic who saves the day, y'know. Or Sally. Or me. You've been pretty darned brave when ya needed ta be."

"Like when?" inquired the coyote with a roll of his eyes.

"When?" Bunnie smiled. "Ah'm talking about helping Sonic defeat that Shredder robot...goin' face-ta-face wi' Robotnik himself...savin' me from the Roboticizer..."

"Zat vas a team evvort", mumbled Antoine, definately starting to go pink, "And bezides, I vas being too late in cutting eetz power cables. If ve vere earlier..."

"Antoine, any later an' ah'd be nuthin' but a zombified tin can", she said, "Y'all helped save me becomin' one a' Robotnik's soldiers an' whenevah ah'd start to feel down about it all, you were always there, sayin' ah was 'still as bootifuel as I vas ever being'." She couldn't help but chuckle as she imitated his accent.

"Vell, eet eez true", he grinned and felt his face burning magenta again. Bunnie's normalarm hugged him as tightly as it could.

"We might not show it a lot, hon' ", she said quietly, "But ya really do matter 'round here."

And she kissed him on the cheek.

Antoine perked up instantaneously. A large smile broke onto his face, which itself had flushed redder than a sea of tomatoes, and he struggled to keep his wagging tail under control.

"Z-z-zank you, Bunnie!" he said, in a somewhat squeakier voice than normal, "Z-zanking you very muchly!"

"T'weren't nuthin', sugah", she giggled, "You've done it fer me long enough, now ah'm just returnin' the favour." Giving him a clap on the shoulder, she hopped back to her feet and made her way back into the forest. "Y'all feel happy now, y'hear?" she called back to him.

"Oui, oui!" he replied excitedly, "I am definitely being dunky-hory now!" and waved as the cybernetic hare chuckled into the trees and out of view.

Antoine stayed still for a moment and placed a hand upon his kissed cheek, unable to wipe the smile off his face.

Maybe Sally wasn't the only 'Preenzess' in his life...

FIN.