Dear Sebastian,
God damn it, if this is a prank of yours I'll kill you myself. You should have to be some twisted, fucked up retard to fake your own death.
I guess that is pretty much all I can say, for now.
Kathryn.
P.S. Why?
P.S.S. I love you, more than you'll ever know.
Dear Sebastian,
It's been a year now. I'd like to think that you're in heaven causing lots of trouble and watching over me. Why heaven? Well, you saved a girl's life without thought of your own. It was the most selfless act of your young life. I guess you aren't all that bad, unlike me. And why would you be watching over me? Because I'd like to think that you loved me even a fraction of what I feel in my heart for you. (An yes, I have one of those, and it took your death and a year to thaw it out.)
I wish everyday that things had happened differently that day, the day you died- not the day my reputation fell. I could care less about what others, even my mother thinks about me. BD (before your death) I was a bitch, the worst. Anyway, I'm rambling when I should get to the point. I wish I hadn't sent Ronald after you, or maybe I should have let you be happy and not have made you break up with her. Or maybe I should have just given you your reward for winning the bet. The truth is that I wanted it as much as you did. But I had my pride, and didn't want you to just use me and go back to her afterwards. I was afraid that if I ever gave into you, you would leave me, lose interest or even worst- pity and look down on me. I didn't want to be just another challenge. God, I guess there is no pint in rehashing these…whatever…feelings again.
Sometimes I feel sorry for myself. I know I have no right to, since I deserve all I got and more. But there are times I feel it is unfair that I found love at such a young age and then lost it all. The money. Parents. My reputation. Respect. You. I pretty much had the worst year any person's ever had.
I got three months of rehab. Then I had private tutors, and got a high school degree. Then I went to Northeastern University for a semester, but then dropped out. It just doesn't fit for me; I want to do something that means something. I am so grateful for my life; I'd like to give back to the less fortunate. It sounds fake, huh? But it was Nana Carol who saved me and loved me enough to give me a second chance. I guess my mom and your dad just ran out of patience and feelings after you died. I never thought they cared about, least of all you. But I guess I was ignorant of anything outside of myself. They really grieved for you, I mean, my goodness; they had a school library at Northeastern University named after you. And luckily for me I was able to get my high school degree soon after that. Nana Carol helped me apply and also donated a hefty amount to the building of your shrine. I guess the Merteuil name still has a lot of weight even after the dirty laundry about our family got aired out.
I am pretty content with how things turned out. I like having this life. I traveled around Europe after I left school. Right now I am in Australia, Melbourne, to be exact. What can I say? I'm helping the world economy and picking up languages along the way. I already understand most of the Australian speak.
I guess I should mention that our parents are getting a divorce in about three weeks. Oh, yeah and Goldilocks is getting married to some white bread lawyer- surprise, surprise (sarcastically, in case you didn't get that), Damion Lampree.
Kathryn