Duo's Journals

Entry One: This is a Tired Rant

Alright, just to start things off, I don't usually keep a diary. I was, well, not so much 'told' to do it as it was suggested to me by crossed out. Never mind, we wont use names, they are insignificant in something like this anyway right? In any case, I was told to do this for all those times I lonsmudge I…No one reads diaries anymore right? It's amazing that I'm afraid to write my own thoughts down on paper. I mean, what are the chances of you seeing this anyway? I mean, it's not like we live together or something, though I do, kinda, sorta, hold a deep desire to do so. Sure I visit him from time to time, but still, like…I dunno, whatever. I mean, I do feel that you act more comfortable around me then you do around the others. I've seen how you interact with the people at cork, but it just seems different… I don't know, maybe it's all just my imagination. I want it to be true, but… I still have no way to find out, lest I tell you.

I'm not that strong, though, ya know? I'd like to think I'm tough as nails, just apparently not in that department. I can't tell you how I feel, just as I can't write it down. I mean, damn, I came pretty close just there, but, honestly, what are my chances of writing your name down anyway?

And note how this went from talking to you third person to as if I was having a conversation with you…

Gezuz Kriest, what am I supposed to do anyway? I can't confess my undying love for you, or something (undying? I wonder if that's the right word) because I still don't know if it's a passing thing or not-granted it's taking its damned time going. I mean what has it been, four years? Well, let's be a loser and figure this out. The war ended, what, seven years ago? It was a little more than that, but its close enough, so lets say 8.3 years, just to be tricky (well, 7.3 if you count the Mariemaia Incident). Back then I admired you…a lot in fact, borderline crush even. After the war we all split up, you did your little-actually if I say that it would be obvious who you are… I went back to help [erased with the yard and repairs and so forth for a few years. Sure I thought about you from time to time…

Actually it was part of the reason I never seriously met her advances, which in turn was the reason I left the 'shop'. Of course, as soon as Une found out I was instantly 'recruited'. Before I had time to realize what had happened I was in full uniform with a small box of 'necessary' articles to be put on the desk opposite yours in the small room. My desk, as it now was.

Truth be told I wasn't sure you worked for Preventers; you'd mentioned it a few times. But still, there I was, clunky box in hand door closed behind me by the giddy sadist-of-a-woman who managed to somehow force me into working in the first place. I don't know if you heard, but on her way out she patted my shoulder and said "good luck" either you've scared off lots of partners before (and by this I mean the office type and not the romantically-involved/bedtime-pal type, cause I really wouldn't know that) or that somehow she knew that I used to… or rather did, have a pretty strong crush on you. I mean, I must have stood there for a full half an hour before you looked up and asked "Are you going to set up your desk anytime soon". Same 'ol you, man, hah. But seriously, it was stifling to be in that room with you. I hadn't known seeing you would have such an impact on me like that.

Damn, and there I was trying to figure out how long I've….well…loved…………………. You… but… uhm…. Damned… my heart is beating really fast right now and all I did was write one simple five-letter word… that was hard… Granted it's harder to say than to write, but, yeah. War was over for eight-or-so years depending on when you count the end. Was 16-ish then…stayed with Hsmudgeer for about three years, but I don't know how long I was with her when I had noticed, or rather she noticed, that I was thinking about you more that I had used to… but now we've been in the same office for almost four years. Damn. I don't think you even have a clue how I feel either. Now that's a let down…

Reading back over this I highly doubt at this point that, if found, anyone could have any doubt in their minds who this is and who I am talking about. Gezuz. But all this did was make me … okay, so it did make me feel a little better. I'll admit that, but it doesn't change the fact that in the real world nothing has changed.

I'm going to go take a shower now… all this thinking has made me tired…

See you at work tomorrow, man.