Title: Firegate: The Big Damn Circle
Authors: Hah and Mer
Genre: General, Action/Adventure, Parody, Crossover, Romance
Warnings: More misbehaving, cheap rip-offs and misadventures
Season/Spoilers: SGA: Up to Runner, season two; Firefly: all
Summary: The crew of Serenity finds itself in Atlantis. Wacky hijinx ensue.
Disclaimer: We don't own Firefly… or Stargate: Atlantis… or Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy… or… well, you get the picture.

Firegate: The Big Damn Circle
By Hah and Mer

- 7. Don't Feed the Animals -

"So, that was different," Mal gingerly stretched and surveyed the cell in which they were confined.

Shep ran his fingers through his hair in disgust. "For me, not so much."

"Where the guay are we?" Jayne, dusted himself off and wandered towards the rest of the crew.

John let out a visible sigh. "We are in a Wraith HIVE SHIP! What the hell were you thinking! I told you to go back to the ship!"

Jayne stood up and invaded Sheppard's personal space. "No one asked you to follow us."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! I was trying to save your asses!"

Mal stepped in. "Hey! Settle down. I think we can all agree that we've found ourselves in a bit of a bind."

Shep nodded and stepped back, putting some much-needed distance between himself and Jayne. i When was the last time he brushed his teeth/i He blinked his eyes, as if the rapid movement could somehow erase the stench. Mind finally clear, he picked up where Mal left off, "We need to act quickly here. The …"

They were interrupted by the sound of heavy footsteps. Three Wraith soldiers approached.

"Ta shi suoyou diyu de biaozi de ma! Somebody beat those guys with the ugly stick!" As reward for his observation, Jayne earned a sharp elbow in the side from Kaylee. "Ow!"

The doors to the cell parted like a curtain, disappearing into the walls. Jayne had the bright idea to charge one of the soldiers, but was tossed effortlessly on his pigu by said soldier.

The Wraith who appeared to be the leader scanned the crowd, pausing when he came to Sheppard, McKay, and Ronon. "You three have been here before."

"Yeah, well, we're working on our frequent stay reward points," Sheppard replied calmly, causing Kaylee to go all doe-eyed.

The Wraith was not quite so impressed. He grabbed Sheppard's arm and shoved him towards the open cell door, with the other two guards close behind.

As the four made their way towards Sheppard's certain doom, the rest of the group heard him mutter, "Here we go again..."

Once the Wraith were out of ear shot, McKay's optimistic side burst through (as it generally does in these situations). "Oh, now this is great, this is just great!"

"Wait just a gorram minute," Mal interrupted the tirade before the whining further disturbed his calm. "Now is not the time to panic."

"Don't panic? You're telling me not to panic?" Rodney scoffed. "I assume next you'll be asking me where my towel is." Noticing the confusion on the faces of his cellmates, he continued, "Towel... Hitchhiker's...right... aliens and people from another time. Anyways, what's important is that it is very MUCH time to panic."

"You know, I've had about enough of your whining." This time Jayne cut him off by grabbing his jacket and delivering him to the nearest wall, much to Ronon's amusement (AN: and mine, too). After a brief moment, Jayne let go of Rodney, and looked back towards the door. "They don't look so tough to me."

Ronon's amusement quickly turned to indignation. "Yeah, well, try to fend them off with just your bare hands when they have stunners and trackers, and THEN see how tough you are."

Never one to resist a snark battle, McKay chimed in, "Good thing you didn't have to rely on your wits, or you wouldn't be standing here."

Ronon's spun around to stare down the egomaniacal genius. "Keep that up and you won't be standing here, McKay."

Fists, elbows, and Rodney's girlie screams started flying, while Mal tried to at least rescue the scientist from the testosterone web he'd managed to catch himself in.

"Hey! Wait!" Kaylee threw herself into the fray. "River's out!" The scuffle came to an abrupt stop - aside from Ronon & Jayne, neither of whom could stand to let the other have the last blow, and instead were exchanging quiet blows to each other's biceps.

"What are you guys, six years old or something?" Rodney (obviously not having learned his lesson) turned to where River was standing outside the cell. "What are you doing out there?"

"More importantly how did you get out there?" Mal walked cautiously over to the cell door, trying to figure out the secret to River's escape.

When River remained silent, Kaylee joined Mal. "River, meimei, we need to know how to get out, so we can go help Col. Sheppard."

River appeared thoughtful. "It's quite simple to thread a needle with a single string."

"Of course! She must have squeezed through the holes!" Kaylee and River shared a wide grin.

"You understood that?" Jayne was completely baffled by the entire situation.

"You didn't?" Kaylee replied coolly. When the men all looked at each other cluelessly, she and River shared a deep sigh. "Men," River said, shaking her head slowly.

Having been in Wraith custody several times, Rodney was more than a little perturbed that this scrawny teenager had once again outsmarted him. "Well, of course, why didn't we think of just jumping through the bars?"

"Maybe because you couldn't even fit your ego through those bars?" Jayne had still had enough of this ben tiansheng de yi dui rou and was itching to bring him down a notch or five.

"Listen, Hercules..."

"Wait a minute," despite the fact that he was ready to let Jayne beat the crap out of Rodney, Mal knew that the scientist would probably be needed later, so he stepped between the two men before the smaller man was no longer identifiable. "Let's not do anything hasty here. Is there any way that River can let us out now that she's on the other side of the door?"

Rodney's eyes lit up. "Yes! River, see that panel over there? Go over to that panel and push... River..." River seemed to be listening to something far away, but she was definitely not paying any attention to Rodney. "Oh, come ON! Throw us a bone here!"

River suddenly looked at him, sighed and rolled her eyes. "I don't feed wild animals."

Kaylee stifled a giggle as River disappeared down the hall.

Rodney broke the silence. "Anybody got a knife?"

"Yeah, that was i way /i too much insight into the male mind," Laura Cadman concluded her very animated recollection of her time in Rodney's mind.

Zoe laughed, "You know, in all my time as a married woman, I've discovered that ignorance is sometimes the better choice."

Elizabeth had arranged a luncheon with the Serenity women and several of the women from the Atlantis expedition, partly to encourage bonding between the two crews and partly to get more information on the current object of her lust and any competition.

Inara chimed in, "Thankfully, their simplicity makes my job easier." Giggles spread around the table.

"You must have some good stories, Madame Ambassador," Elizabeth baited the younger woman, lifting a teasing eyebrow. "Care to kiss and tell?" When Inara shook her head to refuse, Elizabeth prodded further, "Come on, it's just us girls here, and most of us don't even come from your time. Zoe won't tell, will you, Zoe?"

Zoe lifted her hands in mock surrender. "Far be it from me to get in the way of a good story!"

The rest of the girls joined in the begging for some good ol' fashion sex stories. Inara stood her ground and finally Laura piped up with, "How about we play 'Who'd you rather?'"

"Who would you rather what?" Teyla asked. In her time with the group from Earth, she had participated in several of their "bonding games," but this wasn't one of them.

Katie Brown filled her in. "Sleep with. The rules of the game are this: someone asks 'who'd you rather?' and names two people, and you have to say whom you would choose and why."

Elizabeth put her hands on the table and leaned forward and raised her eyebrows. "So who wants to go first?"

"Inara should have to go first," Zoe volunteered, receiving a glare Inara generally reserved for Mal. "Well, you wouldn't tell the story..."

Inara sighed, "Okay, who's going to ask?"

Elizabeth jumped in, "Colonel Sheppard or Captain Reynolds?"

Inara fought back a blush before Zoe could pick up on it and tried to think strictly from a professional standpoint. "I'd have to say Colonel Sheppard. I saw Kaylee this morning, and she looked very happy. Mal, on the other hand... Well, the last woman he had relations with died the next day, and that was some time ago. I'm not sure I would trust him to remember how everything worked." She paused and grinned mischievously. "On the other hand, sometimes it is fun to do the teaching."

Cadman piped up, "Okay, Inara, it's your turn to pick a person and ask them."

Inara scanned the group methodically. "Teyla, you've spent quite a bit of time with both Jayne and Ronon. Which of them do you think you would prefer?"

Teyla lowered her eyes briefly, and for a moment, the group wondered if she had decided not to answer the question. "I have experienced both men." The jaws of her tablemates dropped at this admission. Teyla tilted her head thoughtfully. "While both were quite enjoyable, if forced to choose, I believe I would select Ronon. He has more... stamina."

As another wave of giggles passed over the table, Elizabeth spoke up, "Speaking of stamina, or lack thereof, that reminds me, I'm almost out of batteries for my..." Elizabeth looked across the room and saw a distraught-looking Simon quickly approaching, "...for my radio."

"If it is your radio in which you are using your batteries, I have never heard of a radio ... used... in such a manner. I would think that it would be difficult to hear from there," Teyla, whose back was to Simon, replied confused. The other women chuckled under their breath as Simon cleared his throat.

"Have any of you seen River, my sister?"

The mood of the table sobered quickly. "No, Dr. Tam, I'm sorry. Have you checked Dr. McKay's lab and the infirmary?" Dr. Weir suggested, remembering the girl's fascination with the two locales and thinking that even brotherly concern looked hot on him.

Simon took a deep breath and nodded. "Yes, Dr. Weir. She's nowhere to be found."

Elizabeth stood and walked over to put a hand on his shoulder, her thumb tracing back and forth over the soft fabric of his shirt. "She has to be here somewhere. I'll contact security, have them look for her, and we'll send out teams to search for her. It's a big city, Simon, there are lots of places for her to explore. In fact, if you give me a moment, we can explore together, if you'd like," she concluded, thinking of a few secluded areas of the city that no one else knew about where she might take the young doctor to embark on their own expedition.

Simon placed a hand over Elizabeth's, causing secret smiles to pass between several of the women. "Thanks for your help, Elizabeth."

"You're welcome. Anytime you need anything, all you have to do is ask." Cadman almost giggled out loud, but managed to disguise her amusement under a cough.

As Elizabeth called Lorne about finding River, the rest of the group stood and disbursed to join the search. Inara hung back until Elizabeth had finished her coordinating, and then approached her discreetly.

"About that problem you mentioned earlier, I may be able to hook you up." Remembering Inara's occupation, Elizabeth was both apprehensive and intrigued. After all, who would know better than a professional how to remedy her problem. "Kaylee's got a great set of..."

"Wait! No, that's okay! While that sounds very ... interesting... I really prefer men."

Inara laughed out loud. "She has batteries Elizabeth," Inara giggled at the mixture of embarrasment and relief that washed over the other woman's face. "While I'm sure that Kaylee would be more than up to the task, I don't make arrangements for crew members."

Elizabeth continued her struggle to compose herself. "Of course. Speaking of crew, I wonder how the repairs to Serenity are coming."