Summary: Lily was quite offended by Petunia's going-away present for her 7th year. Later, she sees that it wasn't as cruel as she thought. Songfic to Meredith Brooks to begin with; L/J. T for language. Slightly schizo, nothing nasty though. R&R please, first time here.

Disclaimer: I own nothing here. Lyrics are Meredith Brooks, characters and settings JKR and Celestine someone else's.

A/N: Yes, I know this song wasn't released until 1996. Do I care? No. Warning, LE is not even close to Ms Perfect here; that would be boring. James is the Marauder we know and love, though starting to grow up. Takes place Christmas 1977, as Lily reflects on the success of her Infallible Potter-Repelling Plot. (speech) is Lily's other side coming through; she can't lie to herself that well and she's been Perfect-Prefect/Head-Girl-Evans for too long. On a site largely populated by teenage girls, someone should be able to tell me why Lily's alter ego is called Celestine. Flames will be used to help out the central heating, it's cold here.

Maybe she was right...

Maybe Petunia was right about me. How did I manage to sink this low? I'm as bad as he was; mocking people just for who they are. He can't help his hair, or his reputation, (or being so infuriatingly handsome). Did I just think that? I certainly wasn't thinking it an hour ago. An hour ago I was breaking his reputation (and his heart) no, just his reputation. He only kept chasing because I dared to turn him down. Whether I hurt him that much or not, her going-away present was pretty appropriate this year. In fact, it's about time to play it. After all; righteous indignation would make a nice change from being guilty. Where's that enchanted record player of Sirius'? It's the only useful thing James brought for the Heads' Common Room and he never puts it back. Here we go. Meredith Brooks' Bitch. So subtle, Petunia. I don't think.

I hate the world today
You're so good to me, I know
But I can't change

Sounds about right to start with. He has been almost good to me these last few months, even before my great idea. As good as he gets anyway; he hasn't pranked Severus recently, he pays at least a little bit of attention to our duties though I still do most of the work (and on our three 'dates' he was charm itself.) You again. Not quite charming enough, but not bad. Not sure about hating the world; myself sometimes, him possibly but that's about it. Change? Yeah, I suppose so. (If he really has changed then you need to as well.) Even if he hasn't I should be above taking revenge, especially that particular revenge. Nobody should be made to look like that. Except ... no, not even Potter. Even that particular arrogant, obscenely smart, Quidditch-star, messy-haired GIT doesn't deserve to be publicly humiliated on Christmas Eve. Not really. And if he was trying, it was only because he thought I might go out with him if he cleaned up his act. People don't change that much overnight. Admittedly I thought he had for a while, but it was late and I was tired.

Tried to tell you but you looked at me like maybe I'm an angel underneath
Innocent and sweet

Well, tried slightly anyway. I only got about ten seconds into my dramatic 3am confession before he cut me off with one of his patented cocky remarks; something on the lines of "There's no need to apologize for hating me for four years. you're mine now, that's all that counts." After three lousy dates I am not anybody's. Especially not his. (But you were nearly crying when you tried to tell him.) Well, I thought I was about to get hexed into next week. I wasn't all that sorry.

Yesterday I cried
You must have been relieved to see the softer side
I can understand how you'd be so confused
I don't envy you
I'm a little bit of everything
All rolled into one

That's how it must look to him anyway. (Poor James.) Well, poor James or not, it's not every week that the girl you've been harassing (trying to charm, in his own puerile way) for four years flirts shamelessly, agrees to go out with you and even laughs at a Marauder prank (well, it was funny) No it wasn't, I was leading him along (Liar). It certainly isn't every day that she finishes with you in public. Loudly. Embarassingly. With (lies and you know it) slurs on his intentions, honour, intelligence and sexual habits. Not only can I understand his confusion and not envy him one bit; I can see what he must think of me. (Loves you anyway.) Not that. Hates me. For stringing him along, for doing exactly what I hated in him, for making him look a complete bastard in front of his three best mates. Hates me.

I'm a bitch
I'm a lover
I'm a child
I'm a mother
I'm a sinner
I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell
I'm you dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way

Well, not mother. And not lover (and you wouldn't want to, one day?) No, just no. (He might not agree. Besides, everyone else can admit it.) I. Do. Not. Find. James. Potter. Attractive. (Of course not. Even in the showers?) That was just Black being his usual mature self. I wasn't interested or anything. Anyway, he's probably pretty sure about all the others. Bitch, yes. Child, yes, that was a pretty childish thing to do. Sinner would have been a dead loss until today; it's probably putting things mildly now. Saint is a given; he's been calling me Saint Evans or variants thereof since I got Regulus down from the flagpole in the fourth year. Hell is what I am to him now, (dream was yesterday; which did you enjoy more?) and nobody in their right mind would want someone who did that to him. (He's not in his right mind, he's in love. Mutually exclusive.) Hmm, I have to admit he's sane or serious. Tricky. Ah well, if he's in love he must be too dumb to live and if he's sane he must really hate me. That's a better choice, an enemy or an idiot. Both. (Or neither. Former idiot. Former enemy. And he really wouldn't want you any different.) I already said he was an idiot.

So take me as I am
This may mean you'll have to be a stronger man
Rest assured that when I start to make you nervous
And I'm going to extremes

I'd prefer him not to take me at all, really (Liar. You wouldn't, he will, get over it. Though at the moment, 'as you are' isn't particularly desirable. Title, remember?) I was coming to that, Celestine. On the other hand, with a bit more strength of character he might not be such a complete wanker. Last week, I might even have said that he didn't have nerves to worry about; I still wouldn't bet on it (Only because you don't gamble. I would. I'm you, remember? Semantics don't work on your own mind.) Dammit, if talking to yourself is the first sign of madness what is it when you start answering? (Us. And hold that next thought. We haven't got to 'extremes' yet. Being James, I doubt he'll look scared when we do. Feel scared, undoubtedly.) And how am I going to scare James, visibly or not? (You're me, so you already know. Time you grew up a bit, we're 16, remember? No point denying it. Not here, not now.) Well, it's NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN, so get our mind out of the gutter.

Tomorrow I will change
And today won't mean a thing

NOW THAT SHE GOT RIGHT! Aha, we agree on something. If we keep doing that, there might only be one of me in here. I can get on with damning myself in peace, like ordinary people. (Not much chance. There's too big a gap between 'Head Girl' and 'Fifth Marauder'.) For one year! Young and stupid! (Revenge on Potter? Helping Severus come up with something that's ONLY useful for pranks and worse? Hexing Lara Notsil when she tried to spike his drink with Amortentia?) I already regret the first, the theory behind Levicorpus is fascinating and I'd save anyone from that slimy cow. Even him.

Just when you think, you got me figured out
The season's already changing
I think it's cool, you do what you do
And don't try to save me

Him, figure me out? Just when I was starting to think I approved of a present from Petunia, of all people, this comes along. Not a chance (as long as we keep deliberately screwing his life up there certainly isn't.) Screw his life up. I was guilty about his day, maybe his Christmas! His life is a bit much. (No it isn't. He loves us, remember?) Us? Last I looked, there's only one Lily Evans. She's talking to ... herself ... oh shit there is a problem here. A worse problem than James, even. I'm losing it. (Ha. I thought we were smart You fake your whole life for so long, you're going to be a bit odd. And I quite like Saint Evans, but she's meant to be a mask, not a lifestyle.) Enough, stop, just let me back into my head. On the other hand, showing him that he's chasing a lunatic would have been a far more elegant way to get rid of a certain handsome pest. (Never again. We agreed on that. If he comes back this time, ACCEPT IT! Enjoy it; he wasn't so bad.) And he's insane enough himself that he'd have a bloody cheek if he did try to 'save me'. Maybe he wouldn't bother – I can see James with a girl whose alter ego makes a better Marauder than he does. Right, decision made. You can shut up now, Celestine. (Knew you'd get there. Act your age, relax a bit and maybe I won't have to come back and kick you again.) Right. Now how to convince him he doesn't really hate me. That he was serious, however much he tries to deny it himself, which, being a bloke, he probably will for a while.

I'm a bitch, I'm a tease
I'm a goddess on my knees
When you hurt, when you suffer
I'm your angel undercover

Guilty, guilty, WHAAAT? He wishes. No, no, new Lily. He's alright remember. And of course he wishes. After all, the idea doesn't sound too bad to me either. See whether all that Quidditch really has helped his muscles. I doubt it – how much strength does it take to fly? Still, Rose said it did a lot for Ben Avery, so it's worth finding out. Eventually, of course. We'll take it slowly, there's no need to give the wrong impression and we might both be wrong. (You and James might. I'm not. Not this time.) I thought you'd gone away. Anyways, I don't think we'll be together tomorrow and he'll probably get his New Year's kiss from someone else. Euch, hope it's not that fourth year, Vain or whatever she's called. That level of obsession isn't healthy.

I've been numb, I'm revived
Can't say I'm not alive
You know I wouldn't want it any other way

THAT'S ME! Let's hope he wouldn't either. Maybe this plan wasn't so bad. If I hadn't done it, we'd still be fighting. I haven't seen him since I left him nearly in tears. I will. We'll get on better. We have to. I've decided. (No credit to me?) I have decided. You are me. Ergo, I have decided, and if I had to talk myself into it then so be it. Beats having someone else do it. Imagine Black trying to talk me round.

A/N: My very first HP fic. This is the first and last time I plan to use Celestine, but a series of one-shots showing how they get to this point and where they go next is in the pipeline. I'm a newbie with two whole chapters to my name; I'd write anyway but please review – it means a lot to know somebody out there's reading.