title: she can't
author: Me
feedback: disbelieving look
rating: disappointly g
pairing: carolyn/cameron implied
spoilers: loose ones for Season 9
disclaimers: I don't own. I can't afford to own. This sucks mightily.
summary: she absolutely can't say it.
note: don't know where this came from. but it's here. Wrote it at work in between doing interlibrary loans. Fun! It's short. Only about 600 words.

"she can't"
by m.
-------

She won't say this is because of her father. Carolyn can't say that, for her to say that will mean putting this in the context of wearing blue nail polish, staying out late, putting purple or blue streaks in her hair. She can't say this is just to annoy him. It isn't about doing this right under his nose. She stopped using boyfriends to get to her father a long time ago. Right around the time she stopped caring what he thought.

She won't say this is because of her father. It's ridiculous. She's a grown woman. A medical doctor and the head of the most cutting edge medical facility in the world. (A fact she's quite confident of as she's sure the words "Tok'ra healing device" have never been uttered in complete seriousness in any exam room in Johns Hopkins) The idea of...this being about defying her Daddy...she won't say she can be that juvenile. She can't. She can snipe, she can make comments, she can outright ask but...

She can't say this is because of her father. The very idea of it is so sixteen and Carolyn was never sixteen. Not in her head. Carolyn, her mother maintained, had been born at the age of thirty-five and was merely waiting for that age to catch up with her. She had never been a child or a teenager. She'd gone through the motions of it to be sure. She'd clamored for the same dolls, toys, and pretty clothing that all the other little girls had clamored for, she'd said and done all the rebellious things her friends had done when they were sixteen, she'd even cut the same classes in med school that all her friends had cut. But never once in the middle of all of it did it feel real. Carolyn always knew she was playing out the role of the girl she had never been. Watching from inside her skin as everyone beamed and nodded in approval. All pleased as punch to see her succeeding and by succeeding they meant doing what was expected of her. Carolyn is a master at that. She can recognize and see what people expect of her even when they think they are hiding it. Even when they're truly hiding it from themselves. She can always see it and sometimes she will be it, if she is so inclined. That is the one thing that has changed in Carolyn's life. Now, she plays the roles only if she wishes.

She can't say this is because of her father. She can't admit that to herself. This is more important than him. But she can't escape the niggling feeling. She can't help the tiny whisper in the back of her mind. The rebellious voice that won't be squashed no matter how many times she tries. It's always there and when she least expects it, that's when it will speak up. Playing to the unspoken fear that's why she's here. That's why she wants this. That at the end of the day this is about taking something away from her father that he didn't realize he had. Carolyn understands the military mind. She didn't have a choice in learning that particular lesson and with that in mind she knows how the loyalty of the ranks works. She knows it's two fold. The loyalty commanded by rank and duty is but one. The loyalty of a man to his commanding officer that is earned and developed over time. That's quite another. And she knows, on some level, she's interfered with the latter.

She can't say that this is because of her father. She can't do that to Cameron. To them. To what they're working on. But she wonders, sometimes when he looks at her, be it at work or in the living room of her home...she wonders.

If he's not.

finis