Lost Control

By Trollhammer

Disclaimer: I own nothing, yada, yada, yada.

Summary: This takes place immediately after the battle with Malchior. Not suitable for all audiences as it contains slightly suicidal themes, language, and drug abuse. One-shot, with the slightest hint of BBRae fluff. Review please!

Song: 'Lost Control' by Anathema. Taken from the album 'Alternative 4'

He lied to her. He fooled her. He tricked her into releasing him from the book...and she'd listened to him. How could she be so blind? So easily fooled? How could she drop her guard like that? Why did she let him in so easily? How could she not suspect anything? Why did she allow herself to be taken in by him? She'd NEVER let anyone get as close as she'd let him.

Raven lay upon her silk bed sheets, a thousand questions racing relentlessly through her mind, though many of them were more like remarks of self-scorn rather than a search for a reasonable judgment of her actions. She'd allowed herself to be manipulated by...Malchior. Raven spat at the thought of his name as if it were the most venomous of poisons. She'd truly believed that he cared for her, valued her friendship and company...maybe even loved her. Just as she found herself beginning to love him...as much as she hated to admit to it. She was so swept up in the thought of finally finding someone who understood her for who she was...WHAT she was...that she never once questioned him. Never thought of anything being peculiar. Even when she realized he'd taught her dark magic, she let herself be taken in by his manipulative charm. How could she have been so...so...STUPID? Tears streaming down her face, she clutched at her ears and leaned forward wincing, as if in pain...as if to shut out all the pain.

Life has betrayed me once again

As Raven sighed heavily to herself, she tried to reason with herself.

'I should have known it was too good to be true. I just wanted someone who understood me. Someone who made me happy, and would never think of me as…creepy. I wanted someone that wasn't mine to call my own, to have and hold in my arms. Maybe I was just never meant to be happy. Maybe I was always meant to be…alone.

I accept some things will never change

Tired and wearily, Raven slowly dragged herself from her bed, and made her way to her bathroom. She opened the mirror, and reached for a small white plastic bottle. It rattled as she removed it from the cabinet. Her eyes scanned over the label, though in the state of mind she was in, she only glanced over a few words…Prozac…1 every…side affects…

Fresh tears flowed from Raven's eyes. She hated herself for doing this. She only took them on very rare occasion, but it still made Raven feel ashamed. Ashamed of the fact she needed help to control herself. She felt so small…so helpless…so humiliated. She knew the team wouldn't understand if they knew. How could they? They had never felt the way she'd felt all her life. And they could feel no worse than she did right now. What she had let the rest of the Titans know of her past grievances was only the tip of the iceberg. She withheld so much from her friends within her twisted, tortured soul. But she had to. There was no other choice.

I've let your tiny minds magnify my agony

And it's left me with a chemical dependency for sanity

Raven averted her eyes from the bottle as she unscrewed the lid. She meant to tip just one into her hand, but as her mind was not focused, a whole bunch of pills spilt into her palm. Raven was surprised at her own clumsiness.

'Damn it I'm so stupid! Look at this…' her eyes suddenly widened in dark realization '…this would be so easy…all this pain…all this anger…this fucking existence that I'm forced to live, just gone! Just like THAT! GONE!'

Before she could argue with her subconscious, Raven found her hand clutching at her mouth, forcing the pills down her own throat, swallowing with desperation. So desperate to forget Malchior, Trigon, Nevermore…everything she was…everything she was forced to be.

'Forced…to be…forced….FORCE- WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING?'

Raven forced her fingers down her throat and leaned over the toilet, desperately trying to regurgitate the anti-depressants she'd just practically inhaled. She realized the success of her efforts by the sudden rise of a hot sickly fluid in her body. She wretched into the lavatory bowl, her eyes clenched shut against the burning pain, the sickly aroma of bile and vomit clinging to her mouth and nostrils, her lungs crying out for air. The bathroom mirror became engulfed in black energy and cracked. Raven reached out to the wall with trembling arms, desperately trying to support herself as she was finally able to draw air into her lungs. She reached for the sink, grasping at the tap. She managed to wash the vile taste out of her mouth, rinse her face to wake herself up…and then she finally saw it her reflection in the cracked mirror. Her skin color was very pale, even by her standards. The rims of her eyes and her cheeks were black with tears, and her normally beautiful violet eyes were black. She had no life left in her…any fight…any spirit. What Raven saw staring back at her was more than just a distorted image of her outer features; this was a reflection of her inner self. Shattered…destroyed…broken.

Yes I am falling…how much longer 'till I hit the ground?

I can't tell you why I'm breaking down

Do you wonder why I prefer to be alone?

Have I really lost control?

Raven tore her gaze away from the mirror, disgusted by what she saw. She felt so weak and feeble…and it was HIS fault. How could she let one man reduce her to this? She slowly staggered back to her bed and lay face down, closing her eyes. Her breath came in ragged gasps as she sobbed silently. Never in her life had she felt so vulnerable. She had always used a front to hide her emotions…but now that front had all but disappeared. Malchior had torn down Raven's defenses, and now here she lay, exposed for the world to see.

I'm coming to an end
I've realized what I could have been.
I can't sleep so I take a breath and hide behind my bravest mask,
I admit I've lost control
Lost control...

'NO!'

Raven's eyes snapped open and she sat up from where she lay. She would NOT let him win. She was stronger than him…she was Raven…she was a Titan. Raven suddenly keeled over, feeling her head pounding. She clutched at her hair, her eyes winced shut, as if in soothing gesture to take the pain away. She slowly steadied her breathing and folded her legs. She began to levitate and slowly began to chant her infamous words.

"Azerath, Metrion, Zinthos…Azerath, Metrion, Zinthos…"

As Raven felt her calmness returning, she thought of her friends; they were her family…her lifeline…her strength. They had stood by her through thick and thin. They always had, and they always would, and nothing would ever change that. Not Malchior…not pills…nobody. She was stronger than them. As the pain finally subsided, Raven finally felt inner peace wash over her. She felt empowered, strong enough to face all obstacles; She felt like Raven again. When she finally opened her eyes, the sight that greeted her surprised her, but at the same time, she understood the reason it was there. The white book lay on the floor before her, where she had left it. She knew what she had to do. She reached down and lifted the book into her arms one last time. She carried it over to a chest in the corner. She opened the chest and inspected the book one last time.

'Damn you to hell, Malchior.'

She reached and set the white book into its final resting place, before closing the lid on it forever. There was a knock at the door.

"Raven?" came Beast Boy's soft, concerned voice, "It's me. Look. I'm sorry."

She slowly approaches the door.

"For what? You're not the one who—"

"No." he interrupted, "I'm sorry that…he broke your heart."

Raven sighed, looking at the ground.

"I know it was all a lie. But he was the only person who ever made me feel like I wasn't…creepy. And don't try to tell me I'm not."

"Okay. Fine. You're way creepy. But that doesn't mean you have to stay locked in your room. You think you're alone, Raven, but you're not."

Now Raven knew the Beast Boy was never any good at words, but that was essentially the sort of thing Raven needed to hear right there and then. The kind reassuring words of a friend who cared…who would always be there. Indeed, she realised, Beast Boy WAS always there for her. Whether or not she wanted him there, whether it was to ask her to join in a pointless game, or to tell her a terrible joke, he was always there for her. And he was here for her now, right when she needed someone the most.

She opened her door and stared at the young changeling for a few seconds. He stood there, his emerald eyes aching with concern. She couldn't hold herself back anymore. She threw her arms around him, clinging to him as if he were her last lifeline. She felt so happy…so alive. She was so thankful to him. Just for being there…for being a friend.

The End

Well, what did you think? Sorry if the story seems a little rushed, but I was so eager to get another story completed. I'm currently working on a multi-chapter story, which I can assure you all is a lot more light-hearted in comparison to my previous works. I bit more action-packed and a bit more humorous, but no less romantic in its couplings. Anyway, thanks for taking the time to read my story. Review please!

Until next time, take care!

Trollhammer.

METAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLL!