GUESS WHO'S BACK. After, what? Almost a year of not updating. Hehe, whoops. Well I AM back now, bow down to me etc. etc.

Actually, don't, that'd be weird.

Anyway. I'll have to think of a special disclaimer for my coming back-ness…

Disclaimer: I like pizza, I like pie, sue my ass, and be prepared to die. Oh, and I don't own it.

Readers: Dude, that was so cheesy…

Me: Zip it.

Olaf awoke, startled, and pissed. He didn't open his eyes, in fear of what lay before him, but he thought to himself. He had gotten himself killed again? What the hell? Was that even possible?

He heard laughter. It almost scared him at first. There was no laughter in hell. Curiosity overpowering fear, he opened his eyes, and immediately shut them. He groaned, no…it couldn't be possible. He wouldn't believe it.

"Glad to see you're awake, Olaf."

Olaf reopened his eyes. A very tall, winged creature – he couldn't say the word – was floating near his head, looking down at him. It looked quite happy. It made Olaf want to vomit.

The angel offered a hand.

"You don't have to be afraid Olaf, we're all friends here."

Olaf slapped the hand away and got up himself. Stupid angel…stupid heaven.

"Why…am I here, moron," asked Olaf, looking around in disgust, rubbing his aching head.

"Why, you belong here!" said the angel. "Come take a walk with me, I'll explain it all to you. By the way, call me John."

Olaf eyed him.

"I'm not going anywhere with you. I'll stay here, thanks."

The smile faded from the angel's face. Goddamn dead people.

"I'm afraid you don't have a choice," he said, and snapped his fingers. Suddenly, their surroundings changed. They were on a country road, Olaf knew where and what this was, even before he saw himself, crouching behind a bush.

"This is you, Olaf," said John solemnly. "Two months ago."

"I know, shuddup!" yelled Olaf, watching the scene before him intently. "I want to see this."

John sighed, but didn't say another word.

They only had to wait a few seconds. Soon, a middle-aged man walked down the path, coming closer to Olaf by the second. Right when it looked as though he was going to pass Olaf without any trouble, the tall Count leaped out from the bush, a shiny axe held in his hand, and pounced on the poor man.

Olaf watched this all, through his shiny, greedy eyes.

"I look so happy," he said, actually smiling.

"Yes," said the angel, sarcastically. "I'm sure hacking people to death brings a smile to everyone's face. Did you know that man had a wife and three children?"

"Really?" said Olaf, turning to John. "Damn! I could have killed them too!"

John stared. Maybe this was a mistake…

"Can we watch more?" said Olaf, all his anger gone. If anything cheered him up, it was killing.

"Of course," said John, narrowing his bright blue eyes. He snapped his fingers again. Olaf turned to him, glaring.

"What the hell do you think you're doing? Don't bring me back here!"

John wanted to smile in satisfaction, but he knew he was being monitored. He needed the job; he had a family to support. Stupid no good wife…

They were in hell, right back where Olaf had started. The exact place he started. He could even see the man who he had stolen the pitchfork from. After a second of looking around, he could also see the man who he had sold the pitchfork to. Not surprisingly, he was hanging by his neck, dead. The pitchfork was sticking out of his abdomen.

Without acknowledging anyone else in his way, Olaf strolled to where the man was hanging, kicking anyone in his way. He looked at the man, square in the face, his shiny eyes level with the dead mans lifeless ones because of his height.

"That's what you get for taking my pitchfork, jackass."

Olaf reached out, grabbing the handle of the pitchfork and tugging it out of the mans body, holding it proudly. Now he had the guys money, and pitchfork. Without looking back, he strode over to where John was.

"I'm keeping this pitchfork, by the way."

Johns wings glowed as he answered, "Heaven's a peaceful place Olaf. Besides, you can't kill anyone there like you can here."

There was a glint in Olaf's eye. He was getting ideas.

"So I could stab you right now and it wouldn't hurt?"

John floated a little higher. "I'd prefer it if you didn't…"

Olaf rolled his eyes.

"So can we leave now?"

"Almost," said John. "I need you to take a good look around Olaf. This is what you're leaving, and this is where you could come back to."

Olaf turned on him. "You can send people back?"

John, again, restrained grinning mischievously.

"If it's necessary."

Shit thought Olaf. "Ok, ok, I've looked around at my surroundings, or whatever bullshit you just said. Can we leave yet?"

Sighing, John snapped his fingers.

They were back on the same cloud, but now there was a very, very large gate in front of them. As high as a building at least.

"Personally, Olaf," said John, from beside him, now floating behind a podium with papers stacked on it. "I don't think you're ready for heaven, but your detour time is up. Now it's time for you to proceed through the Gates of Heaven."

"Wait," said Olaf. "So that bullshit was all to try and teach me to be a better person?"

"Well," said John. "Yes, but it obviously didn't work."

Olaf could have laughed. "You guys are morons."

John restrained himself, forcing out a smile instead.

"If you have any more questions, feel free to ask," said John, looking down at the list in front of him. I'll be here all year, my boss pays me by the month. I have another appointment now, but enjoy your stay in heaven, Olaf. You will learn to love."

And without another word, he snapped his fingers. The gates opened.

Scowling at John one last time, Olaf walked through the gates. There was no cheery people floating around, as Olaf had imagined, it was still just clouds. Olaf turned around questioningly.

John was floating there at the podium, smiling at him.

"Goodbye Olaf!"

Olaf gave him the finger, but the closing gates cut him off. He was left with the image of John grinning. Cursing, he turned back around, and froze at what he saw.

Well, there it is. If anyone is actually still reading this, sorry for the long delay, I bet I've lost all my reviewers now If anyone is still there, please review and tell me how it was. After not updating for like…ever, it took me a while to get back into the pissed off/PMS Olaf mood thing, but I think I did ok. You got some profanity, you got some Olaf flicking people off, lmao, it's all good. Sorry for not having a line up there -points to where the bolding starts- but the line button isn't working.

Thankies everyone who reviewed last chapter, and all the new reviewers, hope to hear from you!

Yours until my rooster lays rainbow eggs,

The OddBird