"Oh, god. Have you noticed?" Neville Longbottom threw the question totally out of nowhere.
His fellow Gryffindors looked at him quizzically. "Noticed what?" Ron Weasley asked.

"Draco's arse! I mean, just look at him!" Neville's eyes were wide and he was pointing at the direction of Slytherins. A group including Draco, Crabbe, Goyle, Zabini and Parkinson were standing a couple of feet away. The Potions lesson was just about to begin and the students were waiting in the hallway for Professor Snape to come.

"Draco's arse?" Ron was digging his ears, not sure if he had heard Neville right.

"Yes! Haven't you noticed for Merlin's sake?" Neville was starting to sound desperate.

"I know what you're talking about all right, " Hermione spoke up.

"Hermione?" Harry asked, not sure what to make of the fact that the girl was blushing. "What are you talking about? What is Neville talking about?"

"Honestly, Harry. Don't you ever check out boys' arses?" Hermione shot Harry a sharp look.

"No! Of course not! I mean, I'm not gay or anything." Harry was giggling nervously and to tell the truth, sounded rather girlish.

"Just look at him. Look at him for once, " Neville was encouraged by Hermione's reinforcement. "Draco Malfoy has the best arse I have ever seen. It's perfect."

"Muscular from the right places, soft from the right. Not bony, nor fat. Perfect." Hermione's look was dreamy. "I wish I'd just once see him wearing Levi's 555, sand washed light blue model…"

"Hermione!" Ron was shocked. "That was not what I was expecting you to say!"

"Don't be boring, Ron", Hermione had the talent to sound nagging even when she was talking about Malfoy's arse. "Go and check out! Then you'll understand."

Ron, not being able to take anymore of talking about Malfoy's arse, stood up and ran to the Slytherins. Before they had the time to react, Ron had already run behind Malfoy, bent his head and ran back with huge eyes.

"You're right, Hermione. I'm sorry, Neville. You're absolutely right. Oh, dear Merlin. Is it even possible to have an arse like that?"

To Harry's horror, Ginny, Seamus and Dean were nodding alongside Hermione and Neville.

"I told you so", Neville looked rather smug. It was him who had brought this up, after all.

The next couple of days were really disturbing for Harry. Everywhere he went, everybody seemed to be talking about Draco Malfoy's arse. He couldn't figure why he had never noticed before.

In front of Hufflepuff, Hannah Abbot and Susan Bones were arguing about whether Draco's arse would look better in leather pants or in black khaki.

During the breakfast, the Gryffindors had a nasty argument about whether Draco's arse would look better when he was dancing lambada or tango. Ron's suggestion about Macarena didn't gain much success.

In the Potions Class, Harry had to listen to Hermione and Ron bicker about whether Draco's arse looked better when he sat or when he stood up. Then Draco happened to be asked to pick something up from Snape's desk and Harry had to cover his eyes so that he wouldn't see the famous ass. That didn't stop him from hearing the collective sigh that was echoing around the room.

"I'm changing my opinion. Draco's arse definitely looks best when he's leaning on something and..."
"…his pretty little arse is bent as much as possible. For once I agree with you, Ron."

Harry didn't open his eyes.

More days passed by, and Harry was getting more and more desperate. He hated it that everybody were talking repeatedly about Draco's arse and he hadn't even seen it.

He didn't want to, though.

Did not!

It wasn't like he was gay or anything.

Finally, the curiosity won. Harry decided that he had to see Draco's arse. Purely for research purposes, of course. He had to know why everybody was drooling over the slim blonde and his probably very unattractive bum. So, before his Quidditch practice Harry came to the locker rooms a bit too early, knowing the Slytherins had just ended their training session.

Draco Malfoy was just stepping to the showers as Harry came in. While the other boys wore their towels around their waists, Draco's Slytherin green tower was hanging carelessly around his neck.

Harry, feeling tremendous fear, let his eyes wander lower.

All the way down to Draco's bum.

Oh, sweet Merlin. Jesus Christ. Holy Tapdancing Voldemort and all the Unforgivable Curses.

The skin of Draco's butt was the same colour as the other parts of him: untanned, creamy, shiny, flawlessly pale. His muscles were showing, not too sharply but well enough to have a nice shape that gave an impression of something very soft but not feminine. When he walked, his ass cheeks moved deliciously up and down and looked as if they were begging for some squeezing.

When the Slytherins were gone and Gryffindors hadn't arrived yet, and Harry was finally alone, he banged his head into the locker room door. Repeatedly.

How do the Slytherins manage? Having to stare that arse all day long without being able to touch it the tiniest bit…I'd go crazy. If I was gay, I mean.

That's when Harry realized that the Slytherins didn't pay such attention to Draco's arse at all.

That must have meant that there's a way to be able to tolerate the sweetness of the blonde's behind! The idea hit Harry like another Avada. He'd just have to figure out how the other Slytherins resist Draco and he would then do it, too! He surely could do anything that Slytherins can. The Sorting Hat didn't want to put him into Slytherin for nothing, after all!

"Pansy…can I talk to you?"

"Hmm…let's see. Do I want to talk to the Great Harry Potter, the bastard who put my friends' parents to Azkaban? Let me think…um…no?"

"Come on, Pansy. This is important. It's even more important than the old snake-eye." Harry was truly desperate and he knew that would get Pansy's attention.

And it did.

"Well… Okay… Whatever. Speak up, Gryffindor."

"How do you bear living with Draco's arse?"

Pansy blinked. "What?"

Harry repeated his words. Pansy cracked up.

"Don't tell me that the Holy Lion of Gryffindor is about to lose his battle… Against the sweetness of Draco's arse! This is maybe the funniest thing I've ever heard."

Harry was starting to have a headache. "Pansy. This is serious."

"Sure it is", Pansy howled. "Poor Dark Lord…he can never have the effect on you equal to the one Draco's tiny arse has…"

"Pansy! I need your help!" Harry shouted, trying to sound just as desperate as he was feeling at the moment.

"Calm down, Potty", Pansy coughed. "There's nothing you can do."

"There must be! I've seen you Slytherins! You don't drool after him like everybody else."

Pansy stopped laughing. "You don't really know, do you?"

"What?" Harry looked confused.

"Oh God", Pansy started laughing again. "Granger would have told you, you just would have had to ask. Even Weasley knows this, I'm sure. Everybody does."

"What?" Harry was now getting seriously irritated.

"Slytherins don't like that kind of arses."

"What?" This time, extremely flabbergasted.

"Slytherins like bony arses. You see, Salazar himself had one and he decided that everybody in Slytherin must prefer bony arses. Most of the Slytherins have that kind of asses themselves, or at least would like to have."

"And Draco, even though is slim and all, doesn't have the boniest arse of Hogwarts, so he's not our ideal. Actually, if you want to hear the whole truth", Pansy's tone dropped and a mischievous look spread on her face, "Slytherins tend to think that your ass is quite perfect. You should try looking behind you when there are some of us around, you know…then you'll see."

"I don't have a bony arse", Harry replied, panicked.

"Right, Potter. And you are not gay either."

"Am not!"

Pansy's look turned from mischievous into predatory. Harry covered his eyes and ran yelling out from the room.

Harry Potter used to prefer days over nights, but the next morning after meeting Pansy made him feel like he would much rather have stayed in the nightmare world of dead Hufflepuffs, screaming parents and overgrown snakes.

They weren't real anymore, at least. But the realization that hit Harry first thing in the morning was as real as it was painful.

1. Draco Malfoy's arse is so sweet I want to own it. Everybody's drooling over it.

2. Slytherins are drooling over my arse. Which is, mind you, not bony!

3. I am not gay!

"Harry? Are you coming?" Ron was dressed up and ready for breakfast but Harry hadn't even gotten out of bed yet.

"Absolutely not."

"What is wrong with you, mate? I haven't seen you since the classes ended yesterday and now you won't even get out of bed. Where were you last night anyway?"

"I don't want to talk about it. I feel horrible."

"Harry…"

"I'm not coming!"

"You have seen Draco's arse, haven't you?"

Harry just groaned and buried his head under the pillow. Ron laughed.

"I knew you'd react that way. Come on, it's okay to be gay."

"I am not gay!"

"Harry, you can't stay in denial anymore. I mean, look at me for instance. I'm not as gay as you, though I'm not totally straight either. And Draco's bum, as delicious as it is, doesn't make me want to skip meals. I can handle it. You can't. So, you are gay."

"I am not! And I most definitely am not attracted to Draco's bum. I don't want to squeeze it, I don't want to tear away the clothes that are covering it, I don't want to bury my nose between those beautiful, pale cheeks and I don't want to put my-"

"Harry!"

There was a moment of silence, and then Harry roared like a lion, trying to bury his head even deeper under the sheets.

Ron sat on the bed and tried not to laugh. "Calm down, Harry. Honestly, mate, it's not that bad. Everybody loves Draco's bum."

"Except Slytherins", came the muffled reply.

"Yeah. They do like it, though, but you know. Slytherins and their taste."

Harry turned on his back and threw the pillow away. "As a matter of fact, no I didn't know. Not until last night, that is. Why didn't you tell me?"

Ron looked surprised. "I was sure you knew. Even Hermione knew."

"I usually don't pay attention to topics that include bums."

"Well how did you find out now?"

"I went to ask Pansy if she could tell me how Slytherins manage living with Draco's butt every day." The pain of the memory made Harry blush.

Ron grinned. "So she told you about Slytherins' preferences. Did she also happen to mention who has been their Sweet Arse Number One for years now?"

Harry closed his eyes and could only nod. Just when he thought things couldn't get worse, Ron said something that proved this wasn't the case:

"This is lovely. I just can't wait to see you and Malfoy meet. I mean, he's been checking out your bum ever since we were eleven! He's really obsessed with it, you know. Even more than other Slytherins!"

Harry would have wanted to yell at Ron for not telling this any sooner, but somehow he didn't feel so angry anymore. Not angry at all. Quite flattered, as a matter of fact. And warm. Happy. Aroused. And…

"Not gay!"

"What?" Ron jumped a little. He hadn't expected Harry to shout all of a sudden.

"I mean I…I'm not gay! That's right! I don't like the fact that Draco has been checking out my bum. It doesn't make me feel flattered! Or aroused. Or.."

"Harry!" Ron yelled. "Merlin! What is wrong with you? You're probably the gayest guy I've ever met and paradoxically, also the worst homophobic."

Harry buried his head under the mattress and promptly decided not to come out ever again.

"Your bony arse is pointing upwards", Ron tried to shock his friend into motion, but to no avail.

"My my, now whose arse would be that pretty and bony. Or, more interestingly, who would bury his head under the mattress and end up in such a stupid position. Not the Famous Lion of Gryffindor I'm sure."

Instinctively, and full of horror, Harry turned around. At the instant he realized that the familiar voice indeed belonged to the person he thought it would, Harry hoped he had stayed under the blankets.

"My ass is not bony!"

Draco looked genuinely disappointed. "What a shame. I like your rear view a whole lot better than the front one, Potter. I would well have liked to watch it a little longer."

"Get lost, Malfoy." Harry's voice was shaking. He has just noticed that Draco was wearing Levi's 555 jeans. Sand washed light blue model.

"That would be no fun, now would it Potter?" Draco's tone predicted danger. "After all, fun was the reason I was invited here in the first place. Your little Gryffindor friends told me that you've finally noticed my bum."

"What?" Traitors, traitors, traitors, rang in Harry's head. What was wrong with his friends? They could just as well have handed him to Voldemort himself.

"I know, Potter. I know. They told you're in a horrible denial. But tell me, Potter", Draco's voice dropped to a low, seductive tone and Harry knew he was in trouble, "can you really resist the sweetness of this?"

Slowly, Draco turned around. Harry's breath hitched in his throat.

The jeans were not too tight, nor too loose. Tight enough to show all the shapes but loose enough to give a careless and casual impression. The sand washed fabric shined greyish blue, the colour of Draco's eyes.

Draco leaned to his other hip and glanced over his shoulder. "Potter, you are visibly aroused. It's turning me on."

Harry would have wanted to scream. He would have wanted to close his eyes but found out he couldn't. Instead, he just sat there staring at the perfection that went by name Draco's Bum, feeling more and more turned on every second.

"Now it's my turn. Stop staring, Potter."

I want to ravish him. I want to rip those jeans off him. I want to tell the whole world that I'm-

"Not gay!"

Draco smirked. "Sure, Potter, whatever. Now, face wall. It's my turn to give your bum a long, appreciative look." He turned around to face Harry again. "Nice hard-on you have there, by the way."

That did the trick. Harry stood up and turned his back at Malfoy. "Fine! Anything to make you fuck off."

"Anything, Harry?"

Shit. "I didn't mean it literally! Go away, Malfoy, or I-"

Suddenly there were hands on Harry's butt. Malfoy squeezed him and sighed in his ear. "So perfect, Harry. So perfect." His voice was full of emotion. "Nothing compares to your arse. Not even mine."

Harry had to take a hold of the wall, partly because he was afraid his legs would fail him at any minute, and partly because Draco was currently pushing his groin hard against Harry's butt.

"Want that, huh? Here, Harry." Draco took Harry's free hand and guided it behind his own arse. "Touch my bum. You should feel lucky. I've never let anyone do it before."

What's happening to me? was the only thought Harry's mind could form. He sighed helplessly as he felt his fingers start to explore the exquisite arse under them. When Harry squeezed, Draco buried his mouth in Harry's neck and sucked.

"Malfoy… Draco… Help me…" Harry didn't know why he was begging help from Draco, he hardly knew what he was saying in the first place, but Draco seemed to understand.

"Just relax, Harry. It's not going to hurt you. Here", he guided Harry back to his bed. "Lay down."

Harry, who was shaking from terror and arousal, didn't resist when Draco pushed him gently down and went lay beside him, wrapping his other hand around the dark haired boy. "Relax, Harry", Draco repeated. "I know you can't resist my bum but-"

His sentence dropped midway as Harry drew him violently on top of him.

"What are you-" Draco tried to ask, but then he felt Harry's hands again on his bum.

"Oh. You're a horny little kitten, aren't you, Potter?" The tone of his voice was not mocking but rather appreciative, and he was panting. Harry's hands did some really nice things to his buttocks. "Jesus, Potter. Can you even hear me anymore?"

"Just... Let me touch… Draco…" Harry reinforced his words by bucking his hips upwards. He was hard. And big. Draco was having a feeling that also he was just about to lose control of the situation completely.

After the third time Harry rubbed his hard-on against Draco's own, the blonde decided he couldn't take it anymore. He dropped his full weight on top of Harry, thrusted his hip against Harry's and covered the Gryffindor's mouth with his own.

They both moaned low on their throats as they kissed. Draco tucked his hands under Harry's butt, examining yet again that perfection.

"Your ass is so perfect. I can never get enough of it."

For some reason, Harry seemed to sober at Draco's words. "Clothes off. Now."

Draco just nodded. Everything had gone far over the point of sanity so there was nothing to lose, really. Besides, Draco really wanted to see Harry's naked butt.

After a couple of moments of feverish struggling, the two sat naked in front of each other, eyes wandering along each others' bodies, hands dying to touch.

"Now, Potter, I adore your bum. Also, you are the gayest wizard I have ever known. Do you have a problem with either of these claims? Because if you don't, I'm going to make love to you right now."

Harry gasped. "I'm-"

Draco quirked his eyebrow. "Not gay?"

"-glad for your offer. Please, make love to me! Now, before I realize what I'm doing!"

Harry didn't have to ask twice. Draco literally attacked him, finally letting all his repressed feelings wash over him. For so long he had wanted to touch Harry. To ravish Harry. To stroke and lick and suck that bony, perfect little butt.

There was Hufflepuffs in the Gryffindor Common Room.

There was Ravenclaws in the Gryffindor Common Room.

There was even Slytherins in the Gryffindor Common Room.

"What is the meaning of this?" Snape fumed. Merlin knows what he was doing in the Common Room himself. "Granger, Weasley, aren't you supposed to be prefects? Why have you let all these people in?"

"Harry and Malfoy are upstairs, Professor Snape", Hermione replied as if it explained everything.

Actually, it did. Snape sat down immediately. "Really? Well it was about time. How long have they been there?"

"Quite long. At some point, there were some really weird noises. You know…" Ron blushed deep red because in midsentence he realised he was actually talking to the infamous Potions Master.

"Yes, I believe I take your meaning, Mr Weasley. I wonder…who was the top?"

"Draco", Slytherins said immediately. "He's tougher and besides, Potter just begs to be bottomed. His tiny, bony, little-"

"Harry is the top!" Gryffindors and Ravenclaws yelled back. Hufflepuffs were giggling nervously, because the presence of Snape and current topic of conversation were a mixture that just went beyond their comprehension.

The argument was just about to get intense when they heard a strange noise coming from upstairs. It was strange banging accompanied by a hissing sound.

"I recognize the banging but what's that other noise?" Blaise Zabini said, puzzled.

"Harry is talking Parseltongue", Hermione said, awed. "That is possibly the kinkiest thing I've ever heard."

"Harry is so the top", Ron declared. Snape was just about to open his mouth to disclaim when Draco Malfoy's yelling cut him off.

"Harry, oh, Harry, hiss me, hiss me baby…"

Everybody was glaring at each other. Harry yelled something that seemed very incoherent in Parseltongue.

"Draco is the top!" Pansy Parkinson said.

"Harry!" Seamus defended his friend.

"Draco!" Snape said, looking genuinely pissed off.

"Harry!" Ravenclaws exclaimed.

"Harry!" Susan Bones whispered.

Snape opened his mouth to reduce house points, but again was cut off by Draco's yelling:

"Harry, fuck me, Harry! Fuck me harder, yes, just like that, oh yeah…"

Gryffindors, Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs stood up and cheered. Snape made a mental note to consult Lucius about his son's very un-Slytherin behaviour. Then he secretly deducted twenty points from Gryffindor.

"I told you so!" Ron smirked at the Slytherins who were currently pouting. "Draco is Harry's bitch."

"I can understand it, though. Even I'd like to fuck Draco's arse", Neville Longbottom said.

Even Snape looked a little shocked. "Now would you, Longbottom?"

No one heard what Neville replied because Harry started to speak Parseltongue again. This time it was nearly screaming. Everybody settled back down to glare at each other, when suddenly Harry switched back to human language:

"Sweet Merlin, Draco, oh Draco, deeper, harder!"

Every Slytherin in the room smirked. The faces of Gryffindors dropped. After a while, Draco's voice united with Harry's, the banging became louder than ever, and then it stopped.

As the evidence proved nothing, after all, the argument about which of the boys was the real top was just about to start again when a door opened upstairs.

Silence fell in the Gryffindor Common Room.

Harry and Draco walked down the stairs. Draco was smirking, Harry was blushing and they both looked like if they had just had sex.

"So, are you gay?" Ron asked Harry.
"No!" Harry replied. "Ouch!" Draco squeezed his butt painfully. "Don't! It's sore…"

The Slytherins smirked again.

"Harry." Hermione gave him a pointed look. "You're fucking Malfoy in Parseltongue and you claim you are not gay?"

"Come on, is this really a good topic of conversation?" Draco looked bored. "We all know Harry is the gayest person on the planet."

Everybody nodded except Harry.

"But still the top", Dean remembered to bring up.

"Bottom!"

"Top!"

"Bottom!"

"Draco's the bottom!"

"Harry's the bottom!"

"Harry's bum is more fuckable!"

"Draco's!"

"Draco's!"

"Harry's!"

"Draco's!"

The bickering ended only when people suddenly noticed that Harry and Draco had moved to the painting and were just about to step out of the living room.

Harry put his hand into Draco's back pocket and felt very smug.

There were sighs all over.