I Don't Know You series
Disclaimer: I own the plot...nothing else.

Dark circles were under his eyes, his clothes were in disarray, skin far too pale, and his body shook slightly as he sat there. The coffee in his cup was cold and gritty and he had not even taken more then a single drink. He stared at the television screen unseeing, haunted, and dead to the world. Somehow, the usually cruel and sarcastic man looked like a puppy that had been kicked but only if one were to look and see.

"A haunting echo of the Los Angeles case handled not too long ago. A bright young CSI snatched from a bogus crime scene and tortured. It is a blessing that Nick Stokes did not die as Jacob Banks did."

The hand holding the styrofoam cup clenched as the reporter went on, coffee splashed onto his pant leg and the floor of the staffroom but he hardly even cared. All he could see was the conjured image of Nick lying on a cold slab of metal like Jake; pale, unmoving, having lost all that made him real. The vision was too much for him to bear.

He fled the room, as others continued watching the news. He bitched about the crappy coffee that had just most likely ruined his favorite pair of pants because it was expected and because it helped him to escape relatively unnoticed. No one cared if a complaining Hodges left for the men's room because he had just annoyed them by saying that the CSI who had made the coffee was an incompetent fool.

He got to the men's room before breaking down, before his pain could not be held in, and he dropped to the floor sobbing. Those reporters…bunch of damn vultures had dug up Jake, tarnishing whatever happy memories he had had of his lover. They could not let him keep his metal walls around himself, would not let him pretend that he wasn't hurting; because they needed something to keep the news of Nick's kidnapping interesting and fresh. He cried for them because he hated and pitied them, he cried for Jake who died doing the job he loved, for Nick who had to live with what had been done to him, and for himself who had become someone bitter and cruel…someone who nobody liked or was concerned about.

He cried until he had no more tears then taking a few deep breaths, he stood going over to the sink and splashing cool water onto his face. This was not the best place to have a break down, but oh well…he had done it. Now all he needed to do was to force himself back out there and into his work. After all, it would not look good if Hodges: snarky asshole extraordinaire started acting like a wilted flower. People would assume something was wrong if he wasn't up to his usual rudeness.

Dragging himself back to work was easier then he expected; he slipped right into his normal routine and was still making cruel remarks by the time his shift ended. No one knew that he had been crying in the bathroom about Jake and Nick and his life. None of them knew that he had loved Jake Banks or that he was drawn to Nick. No one truly saw him but he did not think he needed them to…he preferred to be unseen. He preferred to be alone.

tbc