The Black Brigade Theatrical Troupe Vs. The Aquarian Ninja Force
Vox and his minions are plotting against Albel, who is busy forcing his troops to perform Miss Saigon, while the Aquarian ninjas plot against them all.
Note: Don't own Star Ocean. Anywho, this parody takes place before Fayt arrives on Elicoor. This story covers the epic battles between Aquaria and Airyglyph. But not really. Enjoy!
Chapter One: Oh Well, We'll Wing It
"Duchess Vox!" A young soldier flung the door Duke Vox's room open and marched in, breathing heavily. Duke Vox was on the other side of the room sitting at a large desk.
"It's Duke Vox," Vox hissed, whirling around to face the intruder. The young man stared at his commander in shock.
"You're...painting your nails," the man gasped. Vox squeaked and threw his cloak over his desk, obscuring the mountain of makeup and such.
"YOU SAW NOTHING!"
"Er, right. Nothing. Anyways, I have a message from Sir Albel-HRK!"
Duke Vox's hands wrapped around the soldier's throat, violently strangling him. The Dragon Brigade Captain was known to perform impossible angry tasks when the name was mentioned. Tasks like going from his chair to murdering a subordinate with bare hands in under a second.
"You said his name!"
"Cananabreth!"
"Huh?"
"Icannabreeeeth!" The man flailed wildy and Vox threw him to the ground.
"Never say that name again," Vox commanded, folding his arms.
"Who's name?" The soldier asked, rubbing his throat.
"You know. Him."
"Honestly, I have no idea what you're going on about," the soldier said. He was a rather stupid man. But then again, all minions are rather lacking in the intelligence department.
"I'm talking about Albel Nox, dirtbag!" Vox screeched. Suddenly his eyes widened in horror. "YOU MADE ME SAY HIS NAME!"
"Who's?"
"ALBEL'S! Sweet mother of meatballs! I SAID IT AGAIN! Damn you, scumbag!" Vox reached for the nearest projectile, which was a bottle of fire engine red nail polish. He flung it at the poor, idiotic soldier. It splattered all over his uniform.
"It's going to STAIN!" The soldier began to cry and claw at the nail polish. "Now it's on my HANDS! Argh! It burns! It buuuurns us!"
"Shut up, dirtbag. What were you saying before I flipped out?"
"Oh, the message! Here you go," the soldier replied, suddenly calm. He jumped to his feet, dusted off his pants, and held out a letter.
Dear Duchess Vox,
Yo momma so fat people jog around her for exercise. Suckah!
No Love,
Albel Nox
"Curse him and his yo momma jokes," Vox growled.
"Hey, Duchess Vox. Ever notice how Vox and Nox are almost the same word?"
Vox glared at the soldier, who was still standing there looking like a fool.
"What's your name, dirtbag?"
"It's Steve, ma'am."
"Steve, I need you to take this message to him."
"What message?"
"Hold on!" Vox ran to his desk and wrote a quick letter to his archrival. "Here! Take this to him."
"Who?" Steve asked, taking the letter from his commander.
"The man who gave you that letter."
"You?"
"NO! The letter you gave to me!"
"No, you gave me this letter."
"No, you ignorant baboon! Give this letter the person who gave you the letter to give to me."
"Wait? What's a baboon!"
"TAKE THE LETTER TO NOX! Arrrrrrgghhh! You made me say that DAMMED NAME! Again!"
"Okay," Steve said. He spun around on his heels and skipped away singing a merry old tune.
"Whatever," Vox muttered. He leaned out through the doorway and looked into the hall. "SCHWEEEEEIIIIMMMEEERRR!"
Schweimer appeared out of nowhere. It was his thing.
"Yes sir!" Schweimer saluted Vox and smiled happily. "You're looking lovely today sir! People say nice things about you! Your nail polish is stylish!"
"Shut up, brown-noser. I have plan and I need your opinion."
"Yes sir! You are very handsome!"
"I told you to stuff it! Now look at this plan I drew up." Vox slammed the door shut and pulled Schweimer over his desk. He swept the makeup from the desk with one hand and reached for a scroll with the other. Vox unrolled it and pointed at it in a very dramatic fashion.
"Hey! You drew that man, wrote 'sucks', and drew arrows from the word to the drawing. Pretty schweet, sir."
"Listen up, kiss-ass, I have plan to take down skirt boy!"
"Then why did you get this picture out, sir?"
"Shut up, scumbucket. Here's the plan."
Several minutes passed.
"What's the plan, sir?"
"Don't remember," Vox said. "Got lost in the moment."
"Okay..."
"Oh well, we'll wing it."
Meanwhile, on the other side of town...
"No, no, no! You're all doing it wrong!"
The infamous captain of the Black Brigade stormed across the stage towards one of his guards. A makeshift stage had been set up on the roof of the Kirlsa Training Center. Many Black Brigade troops were gathered around said stage, practicing their lines and doing other actor-ee stuff.
"I-I was just r-reading the script, Sir Albel," a girlish looking man squeaked.
"You fool! You can't just read the words! What about the emotion? Where's the passion!"
"Daytime on NBC?" one soldier suggested.
"Stuff it, smartass! You have to pour your heart and soul into your words. You must become Kim!"
"Sir, I would jump off a cliff with pointy rocks at the bottom for you, but I still can't help but wonder if you've gone a little insane."
"I AM insane! Insane for Miss Saigon! And Cats! And the arts in general!"
"Oh, I remember the Phantom of the Opera! We put that on last week. Albel was perfect in the role of the Phantom. With all the freakiness and angsting and everything."
"Thank you, Shelby. But this week it is MISS SAIGON! And I still haven't recovered from the 'incident' in our last production. As you all know, I cannot possibly play the role of Kim in this performance." A sad look appeared on Albel's face.
"Oh noes!"
"We are deeply saddened."
"We must never forget the 'incident'."
"We must continue on!"
"YES! For Albel!"
"For Albel!"
Several dozen Black Brigade members threw their hands in the air and cheered loudly. Albel walked to the center of the stage. Shelby cued the tech crew and the lights were dimmed. Somehow. It set the scene.
"As you all remember, a terrible 'incident' occurred during the cast party for Phantom. I dare not speak of it, for it was most foul indeed. But I have survived that 'incident' and I will carry on! Together we can make this show a success! Together we shall all be remembered for all time! Come, men! All of Elicoor will soon know of us. They will never forget the day they saw the Black Brigade! For the time has come! We shall slay the weakling school plays and crush the mediocre community center musicals! The world will cower before our artistic might! Even the Aquarian Ninja Choir and Aquarian Ninja Force will tremble at the mere mention of our stupendous name! The trees and the birds will run for cover when we come their way! The cats will meow and the dogs will bark! The quacks will duck and the Reunion will begin! Yessss, the Reunion! Soon, mother. Soon. For the motherlaaaaaaaaaaaaaand!"
"For the motherlaaaaaaaaand!" The Black Brigade screamed.
"I don't want to play the role of a woman," one lone soldier wailed as his comrades huzzah'd around him. He was ignored by all.
"Half of that speech made no sense. And what the hell is Reunion?" Shelby stared at his commander in confusion. Albel glared at him. Shelby fell to the ground, clutching his head.
"Not again! The black screen! The black screen! Arrgghhh! Urge to punch flower girls and fly around...rising!"
"That's what I though, maggot. Now then! Let us practice! Burn the scripts! We shall act from our hearts!"
That night a massive fire was lit on the roof of the Kerilsa Training Facility. Script upon script was thrown into the blazing fire, crackling as the pages became black smoke in the sky. The towering inferno would burn throughout the night and into the day.
"But, uh, Albel..."
"What is it, worm?"
"We burnt our parts and don't know what are lines are."
"Oh well, we'll wing it."
In Arias, Aquaria's finest warriors were seated around a table in Arias.
"Nel? What are you doing?"
The red-headed Crimson Blade sat alone at the table, looking intently at a well worn map.
"Plotting."
"I see," Clair Lasbard sighed. She leaned in the doorway, looking bored.
Okay. So there was only one finest Aquarian warrior. Nel Zelpher. The super ninja.
"Why do we even need to plot though?" Tynave asked from behind Clair.
"We have to do something. We can't play rugby all the time you know," Clair said.
"Yeah, but we're ninjas! We don't need to plot! The three of us can go and flip out on our enemies and stuff. Right now! We'd totally win the war and stuff."
"True, Tynave," Nel began, "but only a lone ninja can prevail. Only the lone ninja can take on an infinite amount of godlike foes and translate Paradise Lost into Russian at the same time. Sometimes maybe two ninjas. But never more than that. Ever. More than two ninjas means that they're screwed. And that they'll get a dramatic death scene."
"Yeah, I know Paradise Lost. Every time I try to read that thing my eyes explode," Clair muttered.
Tynave and Nel stared at their grey-haired friend.
"What? I got better!"
"Whatever. Listen, the only reason why Aquaria hasn't fallen to Airyglyph yet is because we've fought their Brigades one on one thousand. If we ever fought as a team we would be destroyed."
"Huh? Sorry, wasn't paying attention," Tynave said. "Anywho, where's Farleen been? I haven't seen her attempting to fly off the roof lately."
"We sent her to go fight the Storm Brigade," Clair replied.
"Dear Apris! She's a total newb! She'll get owned and stuff!"
"You'd think that," Nel laughed. "Thankfully, we've discovered that when she speaks with greater volume, her voice can cause the brains of her listeners to explode."
"That makes perfect sense."
"Indeed."
"So, now what?"
"I'm going to beat up Albel again," Nel announced, rising to her feet. "I haven't pummeled him in at least a week."
"But you don't have a plan and stuff!" Tynave and Clair looked at their comrade with alarm.
"Yeah, so?"
"I'm coming with you," Clair said, standing up straight.
"What about me?" Tynave whispered, eyes filling with tears.
"You can translate Paradise Lost into Chinese."
"Which Chinese?"
"ALL OF THEM!"
"Noooooooooooooo!"
"So, are we ready to go?" Clair asked. Nel nodded and the two set out towards Koursouralalalakirlsa. "But we still don't have a plan."
Nel glanced at her friend and shrugged.
"Oh well, we'll wing it."
And how! I have a lot more written. I'll put more up sometime. Thanks for reading and rock, rock on!
Peace out!