This is a slash fic, this means that you will find a homosexual relation among these lines...
Pair: Snape/Harry (second Snarry fic ever written - on November/2000)
Rating: People say it can be R (very mild sexual scenes)
Genre: Angst, Romance, Poetry...
Disclaimer: These characters are not mine, blah, blah, blah...
The sound of my own steps on the floor isn't in harmony with the beatings of my heart. This shouldn't be happening. Half of me is telling myself to go back to the dormitory, while the other half is totally, irreversibly, conquered. I'm sweating already, trying not to think, trying to act on impulse and not to worry. But... this shouldn't be, this is insanity, this time I feel I am risking not my life but my own soul.
It is getting colder and colder as I walk down the corridor. My heart is beating so fast that for a moment I think I'll collapse before I get there. And should I get there? I pause, short of breath, trying to be reasonable. What am I doing? What am I bloody doing?
Oh, why do I have to be different? I always wanted to be like everybody else, but no, I have this cross to bear, this secret that I can't confess, not a person to share with. At least not until last night...
For the first time since I left the dormitory I realize who I am eager to meet. And for a moment the consciousness of where I'm going is a bit too much for my mind. I have to go back. Now. But I can't move. Never in my life would I imagine that a detention would lead to such dramatic consequences. Well, nothing has really changed. Nothing at all. I can go back and forget about everything, can't I? I can go back and continue to be a part of this pantomime people call the normal world, so ordinary, so simple and common. A world where I will never belong.
I begin to walk again, this time faster; I have much to lose, but this is beyond control, I know I would regret it for the rest of my life if I go back to my bed.
How did he discover it? I have always tried so hard to disguise it, forcing myself to act like my friends, normal, clean, predictable. But somehow yesterday I revealed it. Without my being aware of it, my deepest secret has surfaced. It was destiny's irony, that among so many people at school, he was the one to discover my true nature.
And here I am... that door... the images of last night are stronger now... and I'm almost glad I'm here. The memories are so confusing, like when I showed him my hand, the blood dripping, damaging the results of my hard work - cutting all those roots was a nightmare. Somehow the way he looked at me... Those eyes have always penetrated my mind. And still nothing happened but when I was about to leave he grabbed my arm, saying "If you want, you can return tomorrow at this time." I tried to blink foolishly and to pretend I didn't understand, but I couldn't, those mirthless black eyes were hypnotising me, making me feel dizzy, and if I stayed one more second there...
And now, the door. Should I knock on it? It's cold here and my head is so heavy. And then a thought leaves me in terror. Is he really expecting me or is it just a trap to try to get me expelled from school? My heart stops beating now. Of course. How stupid I am. But now it's too late, I think, as I see the door opening and hear a soft and cold voice, bizarrely comforting.
"So there you are, Potter... C'min..."
And here he is. It's incredible. Now that one of my dreams is coming true I act like it isn't so important. I guide the boy to my private room, not knowing exactly what to say or to do. I'm not the pushy type. And I'm not really sure he understands what he is doing here. But the way those beautiful eyes smiled at me yesterday...
"Do you want some liqueur?"
"Er... yes, thank you."
He's confused, I can see, confused as I was one day, a long time ago, when innocence was still my shadow. For a brief moment, I want him to go away. But I'm selfish, and he already disdains me, I have nothing to lose. Must be desperate, the boy. What does he expect me to do? He waits unquietly, sitting on the chaise longue - my secrets keeper - and I can sense his confusion and his uncertainty. So easy to manipulate... I feel sorry for him for the first time in my life.
"Do you hate me?" I ask.
He didn't expect this, I can feel it, he doesn't need a conversation, nothing that keeps his mind awake. What does he really want? Who knows?
"Yes..." I answer after some seconds. I don't understand his game, but I no longer need to lie. Specially not to him. He smiles in pain, leaving me more uncomfortable and frightened. No, I'm not frightened, I'm terrified.
It's warm here. And dark, but not gloomy. Just perfect. But nothing happens... why? He acts as if he doesn't want me here. As if he doesn't want me.
Sitting by my side he takes my empty liqueur glass, placing it on a small table behind us. Is he about to kiss me? My heart begins to beat fast; I try not to show it, but his dangerous eyes are so near me...
Pause. He takes my trembling hand in his.
"Does it still bleed? How strange... Those roots are powerful."
I can't answer. He touches my finger with his lips, and later, his tongue. Uncontrolled, that's how I feel. But that's not how I act.
I feel lethargic as I let him kiss and lick my neck, but as I close my eyes distressing thoughts invade me. My parents... Ron...
"No," I mutter.
But he doesn't pay attention and suddenly I realize I didn't say anything at all. He's so gentle, so strangely kind, playing with the lobe of my ear. I grab his face abruptly, and give him a deep kiss.
My first real kiss. Wetness and fire, that's it. I'm all lust. A strange taste fills me, a mix of saliva and almonds, awakening my senses. He's no longer gentle, and his cold fingers are all over me, undressing me, exploring, seducing and killing me. He places his hand there, we stop to kiss, he wants my soul, he seeks my eyes, sadistically searching my reaction. "Suck me," I utter again in silence. And he understands.
I've dreamed about it a thousand times, but this goes far beyond my limited imagination. My body doesn't belong to me anymore, I'm lost. Oh Lord, he has technique, his experienced lips and warm tongue makes my head whirl. I'm inside his throat, and I can feel he has pleasure in taking me inside him. "Don't stop... don't stop," I gasp, before a strong and powerful climax makes me moan very loud, lost and deadened, as he drinks in ecstasy the fluid I give him.
After a long pause, I can feel myself again, and feel his strangely soft naked skin next to me. "Professor..." I whisper. He kisses me and I can taste myself on his mouth. My hand is wandering clumsily over his body, I caress his skin, so soft... I must look like an idiot now, mouth and eyes opened, like a baby discovering new sensations. I touch his hardness and kiss him again. He moans while I kiss him even deeper, and begin to stroke him. "My God, you know how to do it, boy" he says when I stop kissing him, and it's wonderful to see his expression, I can feel he wants me badly. I look at his erection and I can't resist it. Lowering my head I begin to caress it with my tongue, just like he did to me, and it seems so natural, I feel like I was born knowing how to do it. I know how to make him delirious. My mouth waters with desire as I devour him. "Stop" he suddenly shouts, out of breath, pulling me to him and kissing me, his body trembling like mine.
"I want to feel you inside me," again the words are too shy to come out. But he understands me, his hands caress my butt as he looks inside my now shameless eyes. "Lie down" he tells me, and I obey, languid and happy, and carefully, the space being so limited. As I feel his hands, tongue and teeth explore my back I realize the guilt has disappeared, I'm all lust and desire. But as his tongue keeps exploring my body, I feel ashamed for a moment. My God... this is wonderful, I think, feeling my erection returning.
"I want you inside me," this time my words are definitely alive in the air. He laughs and whispers, "Easy, boy..."
"Now..." I cry.
"Is it your first time?" he asks.
"Yes."
"You don't want me to hurt you, do you?" he says softly.
"Yes... yes, I want..." I beg, without knowing what I'm doing, his tongue inside my ear, he's as hungry as I am. Then I feel it. Hell and Heaven together. It's weird. The initial pain only increases my pleasure. And the sensation is different from what I imagined it would be, not better or worse, only different. And I like it, oh yes, I like it very much. He bites my neck in delirium and I clutch his hand to my chest, I don't want it to end, I want it to last forever, forever...
He's still here by my side, still getting accustomed to his new reality. But it's late, he has to go back to his bed. Besides, this chaise is uncomfortable for him. I kiss his forehead.
"You have to go back," I say, but he guesses I don't really want him away from me. He stretches his back lazily.
"Go, Harry..."
But he doesn't obey me. He stays there staring at me with a calm and satisfied look. I want him to hate me again. Hatred is better than nothing.
"Do you miss him?" I ask coldly.
His face is no longer happy. He frowns.
"You mean Ron?" he mutters.
I nod. He suddenly gets up and begins to dress himself. I was right.
"When exactly are they going to get married?"
"In March." His voice is so weak...
He's ready to leave. We walk to the door. I want to kiss him, but I don't dare to try.
"How do you know I'm in love with Ron?" he asks me, looking sad.
I bend to kiss him. He doesn't refuse my lips.
"I've been there too, boy. Twenty years ago I was exactly like you, and my best friend also got married."
He's not looking at me anymore.
"I have to go..." he says.
"Yes, yes, go..."
And he leaves me without looking back.
No, no regret. Though the memory of his body is only a ghost of a memory now and I'm exhausted, I can't sleep. My neck hurts - he really bit me - and I feel intoxicated with the mix of our body scents. What exactly has changed since yesterday? Lots of things. But when did they begin to change? Maybe many months ago.
Since my fourth year here in Hogwarts I realised I was in love with my best friend. I still love him. But I think I don't need him anymore. And since he graduated, after my exhausting battle against Voldemort, we haven't been in touch very often. First, the surprising news that I had to repeat the year, since I could not follow along with the rest of the class while I had an immortal Dark Lord to fight. Unfair? But maybe it was necessary. Then, the engagement. Lavender Brown getting pregnant, all the Weasleys pressuring Ron, and my shyness... I couldn't confess anything to him. And what's the point of telling your best friend - straight and soon-to-be-a-father - that you're in love with him? But long before that, when the term started, something here at school changed too. My Potions master was no longer sarcastic and mean to me. He started to act as if I didn't exist. Great, I thought at first. But this behaviour somehow made me pay more attention to him, and very slowly I realised he attracted me sexually. And now...
Oh, I'm excited again, I want him again. What's this? I must relax, I must relax.
Would he want me to go there again? Why didn't we make love in his bedroom? I know his bedroom is somewhere in the dungeon. He must despise me. Odd situation, we used to hate each other, and now I can't wait to get into bed with him again, to make him moan with pleasure, to be pleased myself...
No... surely I won't get any sleep tonight.
Scene in a corridor
"Hey Harry, what's wrong with your neck?"
"Er... nothing Colin, I cut myself accidentally."
"Doesn't look like a cut..."
"Have you seen Ginny?"
"She's in the library, I suppose."
"Are you looking for someone?"
"W-what do you mean?"
"You're speaking and your eyes look like you're searching for something... or someone."
"Colin, if you find Ginny please tell her I need to talk to her, ok? I have to go now."
"Ok... See you later..."
Loneliness is not always the best company but sometimes it can bring you some insight into your own personality, your behaviour, your true feelings. Under the shell I created to prevent myself from suffering, lies a sensitive heart - passionate too - and if I'm not very careful I can end up being, once again, torn apart. I love him. I'm desperately, intensely, hopelessly in love with one of my students. And after I have him in my arms what do I do? I run away from him.
It happened just like I wished, it's quite amazing, like a dream. Did an angel hear my prayers? If so... angel, listen to me! I don't deserve him. He doesn't deserve me. He's too young and too innocent.
And he doesn't love me.
Am I asking too much, to be loved back? Too much. And perhaps I just destroyed the tiny possibility of affection he one day might have towards me. I gave him time to reflect. Time to understand, to separate desire from affection.
He's all alone now. That's why he needs me. I should be grateful but I can't. Only his true happiness can make me happy.
Angel! Where are you? Listen to me! Give the boy a way out, open his heart to another person, someone less bitter and less destructive. Someone he might admire.
But I know you won't listen to me... not this time.
To shout. That's what I want. But instead I remain silent, waiting for something to happen. I don't feel exactly hurt because he's avoiding my eyes all the time, and that's definitely a sign that I still have some significance in his life.
I can't believe that was only sex. Only sex? What am I thinking?
"PROFESSOR!" I want to cry. To yell. To free my sentiments to all Hogwarts, to give him a kiss in front of these people, to show that even heroes sometimes have their weaknesses. And mine now is called Severus Snape.
But what are my sentiments?
Now? Anger!
Only anger?
I feel... betrayed. While he continues to give stupid instructions on how to mix the ingredients, I feel he should be hugging me now. No, not hugging... but at least looking at me with... tenderness? But what right do I have to demand respect? I voluntarily threw myself in his arms, forgetting all those years of mutual rejection. I feel like the shattered glass of a mirror after an earthquake.
I hope I'm not going insane...
Harry, I love you...
Walking down the corridor I feel my bag split open. I know this trick. My bottles of ink are damaging my books and my heart beats so fast as I see him approaching me, pretending he's only trying to help me.
His eyes are still cold but I can sense he wants me. He still wants me.
"Potter..." he mutters.
"My name is Harry..."
"Do you want to... to see me... again?"
His voice is now less than a whisper.
"Tonight?"
"Yes."
Ginny approaches us. I can't be rude to her, but God knows how much I want to push her away.
I nod lightly, hoping he understands me.
"Hey Harry, what a mess. Let me help you," says Ginny.
He looks at me, intuitive eyes showing signs of passion.
Is it happiness filling my heart again?
Beautiful boy, clumsy and nervous. This time I want him in my own bedroom, my sanctuary. But I just don't feel like making love, how strange... I need to talk to him, to let him understand some things.
But the first thing he does is invade my mouth with his tongue. Very hungry.
"Be careful..." I whisper, breathless.
He looks at me, saying nothing.
"I want to talk to you..." My voice sounds uneven.
"Ha! I know... To discuss the relationship... No, please, don't give me that crap."
"Harry... I..."
But he is looking at me with starving eyes again. Deprived eyes.
"I want you," his voice is like a prayer.
"Stop and listen..."
But he won't listen, and his touch is like a drug I depend on. I can't think properly while his hands are all over me, while I see desire has taken possession of him. Oh, angel, friend, don't let this end. I don't want it to end. He undresses me, so professional, where did he learn it? He was born to love me, I know it. He's so free, so young...
"Use me," he whispers.
I don't lose time.
Memories of my miserable childhood float in my mind while he caresses my face and hair, gazing intensely at me, as if trying to memorize this moment. This is new. Nobody has done that before to me, not like him.
"I'm too old for you... You need a boy, as spontaneous and happy as you."
"Oh, please, don't spoil everything..."
"I'm not the only one in danger here, you know."
"You didn't care about my age one hour ago. If you don't stop talking I'll shut you up with a kiss."
The shadow of a smile makes his face a bit lighter. Hope his soul is lighter too.
"Can I spend the rest of the night here?" I ask.
"I don't think it's wise."
"You do like to complicate things, don't you?"
"Things are already very complicated for us. I'm just making them more clear to you."
"Why do you have to be so serious?"
"I don't want to expose you. You're naive, and you miss your friends, you even miss the danger that haunted you since you arrived here at Hogwarts. That's what attracted you to me."
"What, danger?"
"Perhaps."
He kisses me now. I feel as if flowers have grown inside me and feel my love for Ron getting paler and paler.
"Can I ask you a question?"
"Go ahead."
"You told me you were in love... twenty years ago... your best friend..."
"Malfoy." His voice is cold, a sign of defensiveness.
"Do you still love him?"
"No."
He continues to caress my hair.
"Do you think..."
"That you will one day stop being in love with Weasley? Maybe. But you'll realize love is like a net, it has many threads. You can love an old friend and still be happy with another person."
"I don't understand."
"You will understand one day, when you find the right person."
These last words are cruel as acid rain. Painful. Who's supposed to be this right person? The future doesn't seem very friendly to me.
I press my head to his chest and close my eyes, so he can't see my tears.
Angels! Stop playing with my heart.
March, the 23rd. A marriage. I thought this would be the worst day of my life but I'm quite cheerful. I saw many of my old friends, Hermione, Neville, and there was a time when I thought we were all in the Great Hall again, laughing and shouting, waiting for Dumbledore's speech.
Inside my pocket there is a letter. My lover gave it to me before I left. Words of encouragement, I suppose. I'm curious and can't hardly wait to read it. But since I left Hogwarts, with Ginny, I didn't have a moment alone. Finally we arrive at The Burrow, where I'm going to spend the night. Ron's bedroom. It's like going back in time again. My eyes are so heavy.
I open the letter and the neat and tiny handwriting makes me smile.
"Dear Harry,
I know you thought this letter would be different. But it's only a poem. A poem I wrote while you were sleeping in my bed, some days ago. Angels whispered words in my ears, and I couldn't resist and wrote them down to you. It doesn't have a title, but nameless things are powerful. I truly hope you like it. Let me take you in my arms and mourn the years when you weren't mine
and the moments I wasn't there/ To comfort you, cherish you, to make you believe in paradise/ Let me take care of your immortality, and remove the sorrow, this mask that doesn't suit you/ To protect you inside my flesh/ To disguise the pain, to drink your tears and make you believe the stars above are actually cells in our body/ Let me make you forget the gloom, the obscurity and marginality where your feelings were imprisoned for so many years/ Let me show you the paths, the weapons and the true virtues this frigid and ignorant world has made only ours/ Let me seduce you with my sacrifice/ To swallow your despair, to contemplate the purity of your youth/ Let me kiss you with my heart and bring you to my sacred continent/ To give you my blood, my soul and my fate/ Let me love you I love you, SS"
I close the letter with trembling hands. And a sense of relief and lightness helps free the tears that were begging to escape since the marriage ceremony began. I let them go, I don't need them anymore. They carry my last doubts.
I lie down and close my eyes, with a smile on my face. All I know and care is that I can't wait to go back to Hogwarts.
The End