"Breathing"

By: Adrienne

Author's Note: A sort of follow-up to "Maybe this Time"

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the character of "ER" or the song used in this fic, "Breathing" by Lifehouse

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I'm finding my way back to sanity again

Though I don't really know what

I'm gonna do when I get there

Take a breath and hold on tight

Spin around one more time

And gracefully fall back in the arms of grace

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Love's a funny thing. Not funny as in a good joke, but funny as in strange. Love can sneak up on you when you least expect it, and affect you in ways like nothing else can. It's an emotion, a feeling, a need and an obsession. Love is like nothing else known to this world, nor, I imagine, to any other. With it, you're elated, in ecstasy; without it, it's difficult to feel anything at all.

I first fell in love at the age of sixteen. You might ask what any sixteen-year-old knows about love, but when I first kissed her, I knew that she was the one I wanted to spend my life with. Her name was Danijela, and she was the most beautiful creature I had ever seen. When we were twenty, we were married, and I thought our lives would be perfect. Jasna and Marko came several years later, and I had everything I wanted. A wife, a family, and I was a doctor. I thought nothing could go wrong.

Then war broke out. I loved my country, but I didn't want to fight, I had more important things to worry about. The war went on for years, and it seemed like there was no end in sight. Then one fateful day I went to the market for some groceries and the air strike whistle went off. When I got to my apartment, Marko was already dead. I tried to save Danijela and Jasna, but there was nothing I could do; I sat there and watched my wife and little girl die.

I died with them that day; I was lost and spent the next decade wandering around Europe and finally coming to America, hoping to start my life over. I carried with me only a single picture of Danijela and Jasna, but I was always seeing them in the middle of the crowd, seeing their smiles and hearing their voices. I missed them so much that it became a physical pain, and for years I teetered on the brink of despair. And then I met Abby, and everything changed.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I am looking past the shadows

Of my mind into the truth and

I'm trying to identify

The voices in my head

God, which one's you?

Let me feel one ore time

What it feels like to feel

And break these calluses off of me

One more time

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

There's so much about Abby that I can't explain. Why our relationship has survived, what it is that haunts her, why she has trouble telling me how she feels, but the one thing I'm sure of is how I feel about her.

When Danijela died, I thought I would never love any woman again; I didn't want to love again. If I would do so much as look at a woman, it felt like I was betraying Danijela's memory. With Abby, it's different. I've been able to leave the past behind and realize that life goes on, and perhaps this is even what Danijela would have wanted. I'll never forget her, though. She was my first love and the mother of my children. She'll always be in my memory as she was on that first day I kissed her; beautiful and sweet, always smiling.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I am hanging on every word you say

And even if you don't want to speak tonight

That's all right, all right with me

Cause I want nothing more than to sit

Outside your door and listen to you breathing

Is where I want to be

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

At night after we make love, I lay awake and watch Abby as she sleeps. It's so peaceful; the only sound I hear is her soft breathing, rhythmic and steady. The moonlight falls through the window and onto her body, giving her an ethereal glow. She's beautiful, and every time I look at her, she takes my breath away. I love everything about her. The way it's impossible to wake her up in the morning, the way her entire face lights up when she smiles, how she tries to be strong when I know her heart is breaking inside. She's always on my mind and I would do anything to make her happy.

She's the only one I can see myself with. I know I'd like to marry Abby and start a family, but I also know how much her ex-husband hurt her, so I'm taking it slow. I hate Richard not for the person he is, but for how much he hurt Abby. She can't trust anyone very easily, and at times it's hard for her to trust and confide things in me. It hurts me not because she won't tell me things, but because she's so scared of being hurt again.

I trace the outline of her face and kiss her lips. She opens her eyes slightly and gives me a soft smile, before drifting off back to sleep. I wrap my arms tightly around Abby, as if protecting her from the world. I promise myself that this is forever, and fall asleep to the sound of her breathing. Love is a wonderful thing.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I am hanging on every word you say

And even if you don't want to speak tonight

That's all right, all right with me

Cause I want nothing more than to sit

Outside your door and listen to you breathing

Is where I want to be

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~