Mutants Make Good Cowboys
By Todd Fan
Disclaimer: "When we crashed, my entire life flashed before my eyes. It didn't take too long".
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ACT 16 - Riding into the sunset
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Evil-Sam is currently stomping his giant spider through Bayville, Remy having a rather large gun pointed at his head by Rogue
"I didn't get to shoot Forge", says Rogue, "can I shoot Remy instead?".
"...Errr...no", says Todd
"Mr President, a'h will ask you once again", says Evil-Sam, "sign the surrender or a'h will decimate this town".
"See if I care", says Remy, "I can just move somewhere else".
"Come ON Remy, it's the final act for Petes sake", snaps Todd, "at least TRY".
"You already had Gambits answer", says Remy.
"A'h understand your position", says Evil-Sam, "but a'h urge you to reconsider in light of the following".
Evil-Sam laughs evilly and pulls a lever, blowing up the mall
"Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!", wails Tabby.
The terrified Citizens of Bayville start to freak out, running in all directions as Evil Sam gleefully blows up Bayville one building at a time
"Run away, run away!", shouts Paul, then appears a few second later from the same building, "run away, run away"
"Someone's skimping on extras", says Todd (1)
All of a sudden, the Air Forge appears in the sky, it flies under the spider robot, then circles up above. Pietro blows a raspberry and drops some of Logan's bombs on it, blowing bits of it's back off
"Who's house? Pie's house!", he sings, "Who's house? Pie's house!".
Wanda gives an evil cackle and starts to shoot a machine gun at them, making holes in the Air Forge's wings)
"...Oh poo", says Forge.
The Air Forge crash lands onto the tarantula, knocking Rogue off the side as it goes
"Arrrrrr I will be avenged!", cries Rogue.
"Rogue!", cries Evil-Sam, "...you killed one of my henchwomen!".
Forge and Pietro dust themselves off before they see Wanda and Kitty stood by them with a gun each
"Ah hah!", says Wanda
They are dragged up to where Evil Sam is brooding evilly
"Gentlemen, a'hm truly impressed by your effort and ingenuity", smiles Evil-Sam, "Why not swear an oath of loyalty to me and forgo your execution".
"Actually, I was thinking about stuffing your half-an-ass into one of these cannons and fertilizing the landscape with you", smiles Pietro.
Evil-Sam scowls and pulls a lever, making the floor from under Pietro open up, dropping him into the bowels of the tarantula
"We may not have a wood shed on board", he says, "but that boy is gonna get a whoopin' anyway".
Pietro gets himself up and dusts himself off when suddenly, X23 drops in front of him
"Hello little girl", sniggers Pietro, "want me to take you to the candy store?".
X23 scowls, that was NOT what she wanted to hear
SNIKT
Pietro looks at the claw coming out of her foot
"Oh, well, I got one of those", he says.
He kicks down his heel and the hidden dagger pops out of his shoe. X23 looks at this for a second
SNIKT
Pietro blinks as 2 claws come out of each hand
"...Oh. Forge only gave me one", says Pietro, "..if you give me a second, I'll go up and see if he can..."
X23 thrashes her arms around, her claws cutting through the air. Pietro frowns and wiggles his foot around...not really giving the same effect. X23 advances on him, slashing away like the demented thing she is, in the process, hacking off the dagger on his shoe
"...DAMN!", says Pietro.
Pietro backs up right into Storm, who knocks him to the ground with a lightning bolt. A few seconds later, Pyro appears, his eyes wide and insane...him being normal, really
"Whoooooooooooooooo!", says Pyro.
Pyro proceeds to try and whack Pietro with a shovel of fire, which Pietro avoids, only to be punched by Storm
"Come on, I bruise easily!", cries Pietro.
He jumps onto a chain, swinging on it to knock Storm and Pyro out of the way. He then warps the chain around X23's claws and neck, and pushes her off the edge of the tarantula
"You HANG me!", asks X23.
"You wanted to have a role, you got one", says Todd, "now be nice or no bedtime story".
"I am NOT a child", snarls X23
"Shut up and be dead", says Todd.
"...I'll hunt you down and boil your intestines on hot tarmark", growls X23.
Pyro suddenly reappears, whacking Pietro repeatedly with his shovel of fire
"Why is he getting all the fun in beating Pietro up?", asks Forge, "I mean, we ALL want to do it".
"Stop complaining", sulks Wanda, "at least you got to hit him with a rock".
Pietro pushes Pyro away and grabs Storm, throwing her into some of the cogs of machine
"...Oh great, this is JUST how I wanted to go", she says.
Meanwhile, Pyro makes odd karate like movements, yowling like a cat
"I learned that form a China Man", he says.
Pietro gets a big chuck of machinery and lobs Pyro over the head with it, knocking him out
"I just made that up", grins Pietro.
He dusts his hands and goes to walk off, only to walk right into a metalized Piotr. Pietro punches him on the chin, only to pull his hand away in pain. He frowns and punches him again, only hurting his hands again. He goes to kick Piotr in a rather...sensitive area...almost breaking his foot
"No!", says Pietro.
Piotr frowns and picks Pietro up, throwing him across the area. Pietro picks himself up dizzily
"The...pain", says Pietro.
He grabs a spanner and smacks Pitor on the head with it..nothing happens. Pietro starts to back away, coming closer and closer to the edge of the spider. He whimpers and hands Piotr the spanner
"Sorry", says Pietro.
Piotr comes to push Pietro off the mortal coil when he twitches and falls off the edge himself
"...What just happened?", asks Pietro.
"I could explain it, but your sister is pointing a gun at my head", says Forge, "...so I won't".
Evil-Sam mutters to himself, getting on a little lift and heading down to the level Pietro's on. He can't see Pietro anywhere, until Pietro's legs swing from the roof, knocking Evil Sam and his chair into a tiny little spot, trapping him
"Now somebody around here promised me a whoopin'. Blonde haired crazy fella, about your height, you seen him?", asks Pietro, "You know, Guthrie, when it just comes right down to it, you can't beat a good old fashioned pair of legs".
"Well you're obviously not a poker player", Evil-Sam smirks, "Mr West".
He clicks a button on his chair and suddenly 4 long legs come out of it, Evil Sam stomping forward, towering over Pietro
"Four of a kind always beats a pair", he says, "Now was it someone particularly close to you who perished in that military action?".
Pietro punches Evil Sam, who spins around in his chair
"Well that struck a nerve", giggles Evil-Sam.
Evil-Sam kicks Pietro to the ground, and proceeds to pound him with the metallic feet
"A'h like to beat ma'h peat on the Mississippi mud", he says.
He stomps a foot on Pietro's face, pushing him into the floor
"...Awww Hell, stop it!", says Forge
Evil-Sam looks up and blinks at Forge
"Stop him, please", says Forge
Forge flicks his arm out, a tiny derringer coming out of his sleeve, which he doesn't notice until Remy clears his throat
"Drop it", says Remy.
Forge blinks and holds the tiny gun at Wanda and Jean, who back off. He then points the gun down at Evil Sam.
"Stop or I'll shoot", Forge grins, "man I ALWAYS wanted to say that!".
"You expect to kill me with that little pea shooter?", asks Evil-Sam, arching a brow.
"If I have to, yes", says Forge
"Well why is it that a'hm unafraid?", asks Evil-Sam.
"Shoooooot hiiiiim Fooorge!", yells Pietro.
Forge shoots and Evil-Sam Blinks, not dead, at all
"After all that, you missed?", he asks.
"Actually, I didn't", smirks Forge
Evil-Sam looks at one of his legs, which is leaking oil, the legs suddenly drop from under him, leaving him on the floor
"Damn".
"Thank you", says Pietro, then nods, "...your chivalry's about to be tested".
"Huh?", asks Forge
Suddenly, Kitty gives him an almighty WHACK, knocking him close to the edge of the spider. One floor down, Pietro stands smugly over Evil-Sam
"Well well well Dr Guthrie, I bet you thought it was pretty funny, big metal foot on my face", he smirks, "If you ask me, somebody around here owes somebody else an apology".
Evil-Sam starts to pull himself backwards, heading towards his chair. Up top, Kitty is still trying to kill Forge. Remy pushes Wanda over the edge of the spider for the hell of it. Forge sidesteps Jean as she runs to push him off, letting her fall off the edge too
"I killed Kitty!", says Forge, "GO ME!".
"Forge, quit dancin' around back dere and help Gambit figure out how to run this thing", snaps Remy.
Gambit is looking panicked at the controls of the spider when Forge walks over
"If I used my powers I could figure this out in...", starts Forge
"No powers!", snaps Todd.
"Aww...damn", sighs Forge
"We got a real problem up dere", says Remy
He points to where the spider is trundling towards a cliff. Under them, Evil Sam is still making his way backwards to his chair
"Please Mr West", says Evil-Sam, "...have mercy!".
"Oh now don't you worry Dr Guthrie", smiles Pietro, "we have a lovely little half a jail cell picked out for you".
Meanwhile, up top, Forge has resorted to pulling random levers
"Finding the right combination of levers...", he says, pulling one in the middle and there is a big BOOOM!. Forge lets go of it gingerly, "...Very good"
"Don't do that again", blinks Remy.
One floor below
"A'h have always admired you Mr West, a'h want you to understand that", says Evil-Sam, pulling himself up on his chair.
"For four long years I've been chasing the animal responsible for the massacre of New York", says Pietro, "...now I hear tell that's you".
"A'h am not an animal, a'h am a visionary, a'h am a genius and now a'hm ANGRY!", says Evil-Sam, "and after a'h kill you a'h swear ah'll boil you down for axel grease!".
Pietro jumps out of the way just in time as Evil-Sam hits a button on his chair, shooting off a cannon at him. The spider starts to go over the cliff, stopping as it teeters over the edge. Evil-Sam's chair slides across the floor, catching on a pipe so he dangles over the edge of the spider. Pietro falls down moments later, grabbing onto the back of Evil-Sam's chair and holding on for dear life
"Well, I'll be a monkeys uncle", says Evil-Sam, "how did we end up in this dark situation?".
"I have no idea Dr Guthrie", says Pietro, "I'm about as stumped as you are".
"Now a'hm facin' a rather difficult problem here", says Evil-Sam, "Now on the one hand, a'h have the overwhelming love a'h have for myself and on the other the raw seethin' hatred a'h have of you. Now a'h could kill you very easily Mr West, just by pullin' on the lever, but a'h would die along with you, hence ma'h conflict".
His hand teeters by the lever
"Decisions Decisions".
Pietro puts his hand on the lever
"Allow me to make the decision for you", says Pietro.
"Oh please you're a yellow belled chicken", says Evil-Sam, "You just don't have it in ya".
Pietro frowns, pulling the lever, dropping them down as Evil-Sam twitches
"Whuuh?", blinks Sam, "What the, how'd I end up heeeerrrrreeeee".
Sam promptly falls down the cliff which Pietro jumps onto the hanging body of X23
"Now that was a whoopin'!", says Pietro.
SNIKT
"Mother", squeaks Pietro.
Back at Bayville high a few hours later, Remy finishes knocking the pin into the railway, then goes over to a smartly dressed Forge and Pietro
"Gentlemen, you'll be glad to know I'm creating a new agency, who's sole purpose is to protect de president", he says, handing them both badges with 'secret service' written on them, "Welcome to de Secret Service, Agents one and two".
"Thank you, Mr President", Forge blinks, "...if you don't mind me asking...which one of us is number on and which is number two?".
"Gambit don't t'ink dat matters, Forge", says Remy, "Anyway, you'll have plenty of time to discuss it on your next assignment, see you in the Xavier Mansion".
Forge and Pietro sigh and give a salute as Remy jumps onto the Wanderer
"...What about our train?", asks Forge
"Well, I'm takin; it of course", says Remy, "..you let Guthrie blow up mine".
With that, the Wanderer chugs off. Suddenly, Mystique comes up to them, dressed in a lovely dress
"Pie, Forgey", she gives them both a hug before grinning, "I'm drunk".
"Yes...well", blinks Forge
"I just wanted to thank you for everything you've done for me before I got back to the Acolytes Base", she says.
"Why are you going back there?", asks Pietro, "I was thinking you could come back to the Mansion with me".
"Or better yet, come back to the mansion with me", says Forge
"I'm afraid I haven't been completely honest with you", says Mystique, "Professor Wyngarde isn't my father, he's my husband".
"HAH!", laughs Jason, then blinks, "…maybe I'm a little drunk, too"
"...Eww", says Pietro, "you could have told us that from the beginning, Raven".
"Yeah", says Forge
"Like, Hell", says Mystique, "You wouldn't have helped me if you didn't think there was a chance for some booty".
Jason skips happily over, putting an arm around Mystique
"Raven, DEAR", he says, "we really must be going".
"Now you know why I'm drunk", she says, "Bye. At least you still have each other".
With that, she and Jason walk off, giggling drunkenly before falling into a bush.. Pietro and Forge put on their cowboy hats and the screen changes. Old western music is playing in the background as it SEEMS Pietro and Forge are walking/riding through the desert.
"Pietro?", asks Forge
"What now Forge?", asks Pietro.
"Do you mind if I ask you a question?", says Forge
"Actually, I do, Forge", says Pietro.
The camera pans out to show they are driving the big mechanical spider into the sunset
"And we are DONE!", grins Todd.
"Freeeeedom!", shout Pietro and Forge
"Look what I dragged out of the bottom of the cliff", says Hank.
"A'hm all better now", says Sam, "the fall got rid of all the evil".
"And only half the cast had to die for it", grins Todd.
"Yey!", cheer the cast.
"Now lets all get drunk so we can erase this experience from our memories!", says Todd.
"YEY!".
END!
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(1) – See 'No Good Deed', Paul appears to be running from the subway TWICE.
And there we go, all my old parodies are now up in their new format, weee! Do review. Thanks for reading!