Disclaimer: Fake and all characters relating to Fake are not my intellectually property, I just borrow them. All new characters are the sole property of me and cannot be used in anyway with out my expressed written consent. Don't sue, I'm poor.

Redefining Heaven

Chapter Twelve: Keep Breathing

By: Irish

Rated R

Warnings: Explicit Language, graphic violence, adult situation

"Dee," Ryo couldn't help but moan, as Dee's lips nipped along his neck. How long had it been since they'd last made love? Two weeks or so? Not that long as things went, certainly they'd gone longer without, but sex had always been a way they could connect. There were no words needed and for as often as other forms of communication failed them, this was how they could rebuild, reconnect. There was a gay columnist that Ryo read frequently who said it was important to have sex, often, regardless of anything else, because if you associated your lover's face with orgasmic pleasure, you were less like to punch him in the face when you got mad at him. More then a way to remind himself how much he loved Dee, though, it was an absolute imperative for Dee's mental health. Dee needed sex to connect with his emotions, to express love and find a way to accept comfort, he needed to make love to believe that love was there, to be able to see it and feel it. So it was no surprise that as soon as he'd slept enough to stay awake, he'd initiated sex.

Not that Ryo was complaining.

"Baby," Dee whispered back, warm breath washing over Ryo's skin. Dee paused a moment, pressing his face at the juncture of Ryo's neck and shoulder, his hands skating up Ryo's ribs, then slid them under Ryo, hugging him tightly, pressed skin-to-skin along every inch of him. Ryo frowned at the pause in foreplay, wrapping his arms around Dee.

"What is it?" he asked softly, trailing his fingers along Dee's spine and up into his hair. "What's wrong?" Of course, everything was wrong. Dee just shook his head though and took a deep breath against Ryo's skin, before lifting his head again to kiss along Ryo's collarbone. Ryo combed both hands through Dee's hair, pausing to tug at it gently, just the way Dee liked, and was rewarded with a shudder. Ryo groaned again a moment later as Dee's fingers found one of his sensitive nipples. "Like that, yes…" Ryo gasped softly, wanting to encourage his lover, unsure what that moment of hesitation had been before. Besides, Dee made it very difficult to remain quiet.

When that same hand started to trail lower a few moments later, though, it was Ryo who paused, frowning again. "Dee?" He reached down and captured his lover's hand from off his thigh, holding it in his own for a moment, it was shaking, trembling, and not with anticipation or arousal, they hadn't been doing anything that would have Dee that worked up. It took handcuffs and ice to get that kind of a reaction from Dee.

The darker detective remained silent, though his dropped his forehead against the center of Ryo's chest, trying to free his hand from Ryo's feebly, seeming to not want to be caught in his weakness.

"Oh baby," Ryo wrapped his arms around his lover and hugged him close again. "It's okay, hmm?" he tried to sooth. After another few seconds though, Dee seemed to gather himself up a bit, trying to start again. They were never going to get anywhere at this rate though. Ryo wasn't sure he could stay focused on being aroused if Dee kept having to stop to shore himself up enough to keep going. The ramifications of that seemed utterly disastrous, with Dee already so seemingly fragile.

Ryo was often not very good at knowing how to take care of Dee. He didn't communicate his needs verbally, often completely denying them, and having all kinds of random hang-ups and lines in the sand. Ryo was learning though, and the answer to this seemed obvious. Dee was at the absolute end of his ability to cope, and he needed this physical intimacy, but those two things were working against each other. Ryo was pretty sure he could handle taking charge of their lovemaking, a simple fix for a complex problem.

"Wait, handsome," Ryo whispered. "Here, sit up, hmm?" he reached down, caressing Dee's cheek. "Sit up."

When Dee complied, slowly, Ryo shifted too, moving to straddle his lap. He paused a moment longer to reach over and push open the curtains, so sunshine flooded the room. Dee was watching him with veiled eyes, waiting patience for Ryo's attentions to return to him. Warm sun bathing them, Ryo settled himself against Dee again, wrapping his arms around him, and leaning down to take his mouth, kissing him deeply. Dee responded like a man dying of thirst, kissing Ryo back with an aching intensity, his arms settling around Ryo's waist, just holding him, and holding onto him.

That's it baby, Ryo thought, let me take care of you, let me try and make it better. Ryo caressed his hands across Dee's shoulders, then down his chest, working on touching every inch of him. Dee made a tiny little sound of need against Ryo's mouth, the first sound Ryo had gotten out of him yet.

The foreplay was slow, long kisses and tender caresses, with no real words spoken, just soft sounds and changes of breath. Ryo made sure to focus on Dee, and not let Dee distract him with pleasure. Their positioning was ideal, as it made it difficult for Dee to take charge of things, as he tended to do. Ryo had the height advantage in this position, allowing him to hold and shelter Dee. For once, Dee seemed to mostly just sit back and accept it, more passive in their coupling.

There was a change as Ryo took Dee inside him, a sudden spike in desire and need for both of them. Ryo found Dee's hand and brought it between them, guiding his strokes. His free hand gripped the headboard for leverage and Dee's other hand gripped his hip.

The tempo was quick and a little uneven. Dee's head dropped back against the headboard with an unnoticed and indelicate thunk, his breathing ragged, panting tensely. Sweat slicked both of them as Ryo moved on him. Ryo reached his peak first, it was short but pleasant, and though he was finished, he kept moving on Dee. It wasn't much afterwards that Dee stiffened, and then shuddered, gasping his pleasure. Ryo watched his lover closely as he came, running his hands over Dee's chest. The play of emotions in those short moments were like watching a particularly intense display of the northern lights.

Dee's breath remained rough even after he finished, nor did he lift his head from the headboard, instead his eyes remained shut tightly, head back.

"Dee?" Ryo whispered, touching his cheek. "Open your eyes, love, look at me?" When Dee gave no indication that he'd even heard, Ryo felt his throat fist a little in sympathy. He should have never let Dee keep this all inside for so long. "Okay, okay, I'm sorry, baby, I'm sorry."

Ryo paused just long enough to snag a couple tissues from the bedside table and clean things up a little before he slipped his arms under Dee's shoulders, making him lean forward and lay his head against Ryo's shoulder. He hugged Dee close, stroking his hair, rocking him a little as they sat there. Ryo was expecting Dee's typical version of "crying" which involved no tears, not even silent, manly sobs. Normally, Dee just tensed up all over, shook a little, and breathed hard. He'd so trained himself out of crying as a child that, as far as Ryo knew, Dee was no longer capable of tears. So when the first hot tear fell against his bare shoulder, Ryo couldn't for the life of him imagine what it was. When others joined it, and Dee's shoulders started to heave with silent weeping, Ryo's jaw actually dropped from shock.

The fairer detective recovered quickly, though and redoubled his efforts to sooth his lover, holding him tighter, running his fingers through Dee's hair, and rubbing his back. "Oh love, I'm so sorry," Ryo whispered, unsure what to even say, not wanting to try and hush or sooth him, lest Dee take it to mean he should bottle it back up again. More so, he was sorry, sorry that he had let Dee just keep on grinning and bearing it, let Dee play tough guy until he broke under the weight of it. "Go ahead, I've got you, it's just us sweetheart."

Tears didn't come naturally to Dee, and he was a little horrified to be shedding them. It was one thing, when he was alone, and it didn't matter how bad he was at crying, that his grief always came out awkward and stilted. His pillow wasn't one to judge. It was just too much though, the worry and fear for his son, of course… but it was the impotent rage which had no outlet that had brought him to the breaking point.

The department was keeping a very close eye on the investigation into the hit and run that had taken Bikky's leg, and Lord knew what else. That wasn't good enough though. Dee wanted to have the person in arms reach at all times, so every time he had to look at Bikky's distorted face, stump of a leg, and bare scalp with a scar almost as wide as his thumb he could turn to that person and punch him until he felt better. There was no one to sate his rage on though, not even someone in custody so that Dee could console himself that the Arm of the Law would mete out a metaphorical beating on his behalf.

Then there was the fact that they would have to tell Bikky, assuming he ever woke, they would have to look him in the eyes and tell him that he no longer had a right leg. Dee was pretty sure that particular pleasantry would be his. Ryo might be able to manage it, but Dee would be able to just say it, calmly, no matter how he felt on the inside. Ryo would get emotional about it, and they'd have to both be strong in that moment for Bikky. Dee had been trying to prepare himself for that moment, looking Bikky straight in the eyes as he said it, telling the boy in the exact manner Dee would want to be told such news. It was bad, Bikky. Amputation was the only option if we wanted you to have any chance at really walking again. It's healing well, and as soon as you're other injuries allow, you will walk. He'd been rehearsing it in his mind since Bikky had come out of his latest surgery and him waking up had been talked about more in whens than in ifs. Assuming he woke up still able to understand what was happening around him.

The rage, the need to hold up a calm and reasonable face, the relentless worry about infection, about whether or not Bikky would still be Bikky when he woke. Dee felt like he had been put through a blender, and then spent every day of the last ten days being rubbed in salt. Every nerve raw and alive and screaming. On the outside, though, he was what he always was, the survivor, tough, so tough.

"I've got you… I love you…." It was all Ryo could think to say, so he said it over and over in a slow refrain, as Dee wept like all that was good in the world had been lost. It felt like hours, though when the tears stopped and Dee had trailed off into exhausted sniffles, the clock said only ten minutes had passed. Leave it to Dee to keep his dramatics reined in to ten minutes or less. Dee finally lifted his head just a little, bringing a hand up to wipe at his face ineffectually.

"Sorry," he rasped, "I didn't mean to fall to pieces." He was clearly embarrassed, ashamed of his weakness and the mess it caused. So much of Dee's energy was devoted to being tough, too tough to be influenced by the world; it was why he didn't cry, why his control in the bedroom was iron clad, why he barely even let physical pain show through. They were all shows of weakness.

"No, don't be sorry, Dee Laytner. You are human, goddamnit; you're allowed to feel. If you can't let go, just a little, around me; who can you let down your defenses around? No, no sorries. I shouldn't have let you keep it all in as long as I did." Ryo snagged a couple tissues for Dee, not sitting back though, giving Dee a chance to clean his face and get himself more under control before he had to actually look Ryo in the eye.

It took Dee a while to gather himself, when he did it was only to politely offer Ryo use of the shower first, which Ryo accepted, swapping out with Dee when he was done. They were very quiet as they moved around the apartment, getting new sets of clean clothes, gathering some food, and replenishing their supplies in general. They hadn't been home even twelve hours, Dee needed more sleep, but neither of them was willing to linger away from Bikky. Dee stopped at the door though, looking at Ryo a long silent moment.

Ryo offered him a small smile, letting a hand rest on his chest. Dee had only said a few words to him since they'd woken up, most of them banalities, carefully avoiding saying anything about his crying spate. Ryo was willing to give him the time he needed, though, it was better not to push Dee about things.

Dee's arms came around his lover slowly, pulling him into a tender embrace. "Thank you, baby, thanks for being there." Dee whispered against Ryo's ear as he held him. Ryo smiled, running his hands over the soft fabric of Dee's t-shirt.

"Hey, what are partners for?" He replied with a soft smile, shifting back a little to go up on his toes and kiss Dee tenderly. "You don't always have to be so tough, Dee. I know you don't believe that yet… but someday…" Ryo caressed his cheek lightly.

"Someday," Dee agreed with a nod. He wasn't at all convinced that the day would ever come, when he could stop having to be so hard all the time, but it was a nice thought.

- O – O – O – O – O –

"What are we going to do when they want to send him home?" Dee asked as they sat side by side on the cot, both leaning back against the wall and watching Bikky as he lay still as statuary. "He won't be ready to be on his own, even once he's physically able to be left to his own devices… assuming he eventually will be, I suspect it's going to be a long time before he's really ready to be left on his own."

"One of us could take a leave of absence, we could work opposite shifts, or we can hire someone." Ryo ticked off their options. "Did I miss anything?"

"I don't think so. I can't afford to take a leave. Opposite shifts would work for Bikky, but we'd never see each other, and I think it would be best if one of us could be with him at first. He'll need us. I can switch to second or third shift." Dee shrugged. "I worked second and third shifts when I worked beat, it won't drive me crazy or anything. But, you know, it's you he'll want home."

Ryo reminded himself that shouting at Dee rarely accomplished anything, and also of the lovely orgasm he'd shared with his lover that morning, as further reminder not to let his temper run away with him. Talking money with Dee was always tricky business. "Dee, you know I can support both of us, easily. I was paying my rent just fine before you moved in."

Ryo did his best not to advertise the fact that he a trust fund, and the interest from that trust fund that he collected would have been nearly a living wage if he didn't live in the most expensive city in the country. The truth of the matter was, though, that he was living below his means before Dee came along, and the only reason Ryo had let Dee split the bills with him, is because it allowed them both to ignore the huge class discrepancy as much as possible.

"Yeah, but first of all I have no desire to be a kept man, second of all, your aunt will take it as evidence that I really am a gold digging slut, and while the latter is undeniably true, the former is not." Dee replied with a shrug.

"You wouldn't be a kept man Dee, think of it more as a… house wife." Ryo smiled a little, reaching over to give Dee's ribs a little poke. "And you're really more of a reformed slut." Ryo offered. Mentally he sighed though. This conversation was likely to go around in circles for ages. "Dee," Ryo said softly, turning to look at him. "I get it, okay? I get that you don't like the idea of living off my income, but you've had odd jobs all your life, when you weren't getting paid, you were taking care of business at the orphanage, you've worked for everything you have… I get that." Ryo reached out and touched his cheek. "So take a break. It won't be for too long, just until we get Bikky on his, ah, foot again… or long enough for us to be ready to… make other choices as needed."

"Ryo, I'm –"

"It's not like it's going to be less work, just for the record. Besides…" Ryo let out a breath and looked down at his hands. "I am not the man for this job. I'm too soft, when he's tired, when he says it hurts, or it's too hard, I won't have it in me to push him. I'll tell myself that he's already been through so much, no reason to continue to make things hard… but he's going to need to be pushed, maybe every minute of the day. You can do that, you're good at doing that."

Dee started to shake his head, opening his mouth, most likely, Ryo thought, to tell Ryo that Ryo would to be just fine at it, that he would be fantastic, the best ever. It was an utter lie. Ryo wasn't very good, especially with Bikky, about making him do things he didn't want to do when Ryo felt bad about making him do them in the first place. Dee always seemed convinced that Ryo was the best (or at least better than him) at almost everything.

"No, Dee. No excuses, no explanations… our son needs you, damnit, you. He may want me, I suspect you'll be right about that… but he needs the hard ass. Besides, you always take care of me. You'd think I was a princess the way you treated me sometimes." Ryo replied firmly.

"Well, not a princess," Dee mumbled, looking down.

"Certainly like I'm royalty and shouldn't have to dirty my hands with anything, or lift a finger if there's anything you can do about it. But this isn't about us, it's about Bikky, and it's you that he needs." Ryo reached out and took Dee's hand in his own. "Just think about it, okay?"

Dee let out a long breath. He really was powerless to say no to Ryo. "Alright, I'll think about it," he agreed, though Dee already knew he would give in. In part, because it was what Ryo wanted, but also, because he knew Ryo was right too. Dee was the better of the pair to push Bikky in the ways that he needed to be pushed. Even if he woke up and wasn't himself, woke up needing to ride the short bus for the rest of his life… there would still be progress to be made.

Author's Note: So really, this was two short chapters smooshed together, but what can ya do? On a semi-related note: I am calling on all of you who are writers of slash/yaoi/shounen-ai for a favor. As some of you may know, I am a graduate student in Women's Studies, and I am currently working on my thesis. For my thesis, I am studying the phenomenon of slash, women writing male same-sex couples. As part of this study, I have a survey that I am conducting. I need as many responses as I can get, so please, please take ten minutes to complete this survey. If I don't get enough respondents, I can't complete my research or thesis. So please, help out your fellow writer! Check out the survey and further information at www (dot) worldsbeyond (dot) net (backslash) surveyfrontpage (dot) html or for a link check out my profile.

Oh! And the title is from the song "Keep Breathing" by Ingrid Michaelson. It's very nice; it was on my play list while writing the love scene.